I have to chose between my family or boyfriend!!!

[Lotus Flower]

Hi - they practice both arranged and in love marriages - my parents was an in love marriage but it's only allowed if both partners come from the same, religion and caste set...so unless every asian walks around with their religion stamped on their head it's hard to know! and once you do know you're supposed to back off!!

[Lotus Flower]

Hi Denise - thank you for sharing your friends exp with me...whilst I do believe that poeple can eventually come round I also know of a good few examples where they havn't. I also feel sad that I have to put my poor parents through that in the first place..I sound REALLY contradictive here but it's just such a mixed up situation...anyhow thnaks!!

[turnera]

Well, I come from a very small family, so the ties aren't that strong. But I still believe that it's a parents job to raise their child and then set that child off into the world to make the NEXT generation as they wish. It is not the parents' job to tie their kids to themselves and make them as molds of themselves.

 

There's a huge world out there. You could live in a million different places, have a million jobs, meet a million new people who can replace the family that is so narrow-minded that they don't care if you are in love.

 

Go start your life - the REST of your life. With your husband.

[Lotus Flower]

Thanks Tunera - They just don't get that this love is real....you won;t believe some of the things they say. They are so sure that this relationship won't work. Funny that as some of my closest relatives and cousins are now divorved even though hey married within the same religion and community. Relationships fail over many more reasons than relaigion or race...I'm not naive and know that it'll be a tough road and boy are they making it even more tough by not being there!

[Clep]

How sad and controlling this situation seems to me. I would be letting my family know I will still be here when they decide to be respectful of my adult decisions even if they don't agree with them.

 

Our family does not have to agree with our decisions to be in our lives. To me you have been raised with a distorted view of what a true loving family is.

 

The situation wouldn't matter to me, whether it was a guy or anything else. If my family put shame (what other's think of them and me) to be more important than sharing their lives, love and support with me in my life I would know exactly where I stand.

 

I would let them go respectfully and hope they gain some education on judgement and prejudice.

[tanqttnml]

Hello Lotus Flower. I totally understand how you feel about all of this, as I have been going through a similar situation.

 

If you don't mind, I'll tell you my story. It first might seem not related, but it will eventually turn out similar.

 

It all started in 9th Grade. I had great grades in school, but I was also participating in all kinds of activities. My mother tried to make me quit, saying it wasn't going to give me anything good for my grades. Sadly, on my 10th Grade, there was a teachers' strike, no activities were held, I was friends deprived (and I'm quite an introverted person, so I don't have many friends in school).

 

That is when I started going on the Internet, and in forums. I would often argue with my mother because I was staying late on the computer.

Then I entered college. The first semester was great, but I failed math. My mom would keep bringing that up, and giving me negative comments. It made me depressed again (I was in a depression/burn out phase in 11th Grade as well). So this dragged on, and on my third semester, I met a guy online, who will become my bf 6 months later. We met in March 2009, and it just clicked. By that time, I extended my 2-year program for another semester or two.

 

I secretly dated him for 6 months when my mother found out. Around me, I had unleashed a whole bunch of lies, but I knew too well what would have been her reaction to all of this. For the first 2 months after she knew, she blamed him for my bad grades. But it wasn't the case, to me. It was the pressure and the negative comments she keeps on giving me. It demotivated me.

 

Then, she took me on a trip to Vietnam, hoping I will get closer to my roots, and come back and break up with him. That didn't happen.

 

Then, days went by, she kept on telling me that he was a nuisance, that I'm too young to date, that I should finish university before dating, that I'm a rude and disobedient daughter, that I have to break up or she'll kick me out. I scared my family once by saying: you want me to get out, fine, I'm taking all my stuff and leaving. I did take my stuff to leave, but then, they tried to make me stay by saying they'd disown me and stuff. Slowly, their mentality changed to: Ok, you can have a bf, but we still won't accept him since he's not asian, and he has not finished school.

 

As you can see, my situation is, if I would say, worst than yours, because I'm only 20 years old, and so is my bf. We aren't out of school yet, we are from different races (I'm asian, he's caucasian), we don't have a job.

 

I went behind their back and signed a lease for an appartment last May. I had told them in July, and now I'm planning to move out with him. Well, I will. He has been waiting for 3 months now. Our relationship has improved with my family, since he stayed over my place 3 times now. My mother wants me to move in with my father, but I cannot leave my bf and let him live alone like this. I'm ready to move in, I want to take control of my life and become independent.

 

 

 

I have been through the same feelings as you did, torn between the choices of family or boyfriend. He's my best friend, my best confident, and also my lover. If I were to lose him, I'd feel devastated, he's the best thing that ever happened in my life. And I do love my family, though I don't really show it. I mean, I have been disconnected with them, since they work all the time, we never discuss of anything together, they are always right, I am wrong, because majorly of the wisdom of age. You know, honor, respect, etc.

They told me, if I move out with him, they are going to disown me, consider me like I'm dead, and never letting me come back home.

But there's one thing that is helping me more is that I have some aunts who understands me and they don't really take my side, but they just said they will help me if needed. And I have friends who are totally supporting me, they know it's not something easy.

 

Sorry for the long post, but to answer you, Lotus Flower, I think you should take some time, try to make your parents understand your point of view, and try to discuss (unlike me, I tend to argue with them more than anything >.>). I can't take my point as firmly as you, I don't have anything (job-wise, money-wise, age-wise). Also, try to talk about the situation to someone close that you can trust. Even though your parents don't allow you to, it is something you should do.

 

They, probably like mine, don't want to feel ashamed about it, they told me it's humiliating, and it's going to ruin my image, if in the future, it wouldn't work between me and my bf. Losing pride and face, they don't want that, they'd rather disown, because in our culture, it's all about honor and pride. I do understand their point. Those are good values, but at certain extend, it becomes too much, imo.

 

I will move out soon, and all I can hope for is that they will slowly get back in touch with me. I do feel guilty, and 3 months ago, the guilt would have killed me, but my friend's father told me, Parents are there to support us, and they are responsible for us. They have brought us up, they gave us life, but we don't owe them that, on the contrary, it is them who owe it to us. All they can do is bring us up to become the best human being possible, and a good citizen, so we can go on on our own. They don't own us, they cannot control what we do, what we say.

 

Anyhow, though I'm still torn between my choices, I have already made one, and I will stick to it no matter what. I think I'll experience my own life, happiness, sadness, mistakes, successes, failures. I won't regret it.

 

For some to say they will side with their family no matter what, I think that's part of the culture, that's the way they chose. You are the only one to decide for your life, but you don't have to be alone in all of this. You have to check upon the pros and cons as well.

 

That's all I have to say for now, I hope that helped. I hope you can do what's best for you, and find your way out.

 

~Tanqttnml

[Lotus Flower]

Hi Tanqttnml,

 

Firsty please let me apologize for not getting back to you sooner...I have been in a mixed up world since my last post not knowing where or what I'm doing..thanks for sharing your story with me. you do sound like your in a similar and tough position like me. Hence why we are both on forums talking to strangers . It's been a few weeks since your post so I was wondering whetehr you moved out?? I havn't and we put the apartment up for rent instead this was so sad and empty for me I really cannot express in words...I tried so hard to take the plunge but the emptiness of not having my family around just shook me...made me freeze and lose belief in myself. I guess you can understand that frozen, empty feeling. its' like something's died but not a human. Very strange indeed! so now I do;t know what Im doing anymore. My younger brother doesn;t speak to me as he hates me for my situation. My parents are cival but not the same as they used to be. They don;t ask me how I am in general, want to know anout my day etc. My sister and I argue a lot as she's a very sharp tongued woman that takes to me like im dirt. She always has done and as its always been that was people seem to think it's ok. However recently I have been challenging her ways and it has landed me in ever deeper trouble!! My family have taken her side to cut a long story short and my sister took an sms of mine completey outr of context and has now tld me that even she doesnt want to know me and that if she can help it I will never see my baby nephew again (he's my little heart and soul, I love him more than my life). She called me selfish etc etc and also told my mum about our argument. My mum naturally (as everyne does with me nowadays) took her side and told me that I should not use such tonmes with her. Even though for my whold, child, teenage and adult life I've had to out up with my sisters tones....to cut it really short, no matter what my brother, sister or anyone says my mum and dad will always find fault in me. It's because in their own little way they resent me....I feel so alone right now...so alone.........I just cant see light at the end of this tunnel...wish god would take me away....x

[turnera]

Lotus flower, does it help to know that many, many people are stuck with families who treat them like crap? Who make them the one 'bad apple' in the family that everyone gets to talk down to?

 

Wanna know MY opinion? It is THOSE people - who learn to deal with adversity - who become the better people on these earth. All those other ones, the ones who get by on talking down to other people...THEY are the sad ones, the ones to feel sorry for.

 

Because they'll spend the rest of their lives miserable.

 

You, on the other hand, have learned to take care of yourself and do what you need, to be happy. Get on with it!

[BlackLovely]

My dear lady, look at my avatar. My husband and I come from two different races and cultures, despite the fact that we were both born in Canada.

He grew up in a community that had NO BLACKS. I've been exposed to racism from very few of his extended family. The rest nervously overcompensate for their discomfort.

 

My parents are old fashioned Jamaicans and the four children in my old family were all raised as such. This meant ridiculously strict and sexist parenting for me, the only girl. Unlike my brothers, I was harshly trained to be a wife; my mother insulted me and beat me when we were alone in the kitchen. I had no freedom compared to my brothers and I was expected to remain at home until I married. I was to marry a Jamaican man in a lavish wedding planned by my mother.

Sound familiar OP? I'm guessing you and/or your fiance is East Indian.

 

When I moved out to escape abuse and tyranny, I was 21. I refused to allow my parents to dictate my life path. I knew I deserved better than toiling away at home, while my brothers painted the town red and dated many women.

I left with nothing but my toothbrush and finally cursed at my mother when she put me down. It was frightening yet wonderful; my mother was an abusive Goliath in that well decorated prison. I started living for myself and this came with consequences; I am now branded as rebellious.

My parents are not speaking to us because we ran off and married, instead of having a splashy spectacle, which was my mother's narcissistic wet dream LOL

Do I wish they were more supportive and modern? Of course. Yet just as they could not control my choices, you cannot control your parent's reactions.

You CAN, however, do what makes YOU happy, instead of allowing your parents to run your life.

You are not a child. You are a grown, intelligent woman who attracted a lovely man. Focus on pleasing each other by building a strong marriage, which suits the two of you alone.

Your culture does not define your life path.

[pureinheart]

My dear lady, look at my avatar. My husband and I come from two different races and cultures, despite the fact that we were both born in Canada.

He grew up in a community that had NO BLACKS. I've been exposed to racism from very few of his extended family. The rest nervously overcompensate for their discomfort.

 

My parents are old fashioned Jamaicans and the four children in my old family were all raised as such. This meant ridiculously strict and sexist parenting for me, the only girl. Unlike my brothers, I was harshly trained to be a wife; my mother insulted me and beat me when we were alone in the kitchen. I had no freedom compared to my brothers and I was expected to remain at home until I married. I was to marry a Jamaican man in a lavish wedding planned by my mother.

Sound familiar OP? I'm guessing you and/or your fiance is East Indian.

 

When I moved out to escape abuse and tyranny, I was 21. I refused to allow my parents to dictate my life path. I knew I deserved better than toiling away at home, while my brothers painted the town red and dated many women.

I left with nothing but my toothbrush and finally cursed at my mother when she put me down. It was frightening yet wonderful; my mother was an abusive Goliath in that well decorated prison. I started living for myself and this came with consequences; I am now branded as rebellious.

My parents are not speaking to us because we ran off and married, instead of having a splashy spectacle, which was my mother's narcissistic wet dream LOL

Do I wish they were more supportive and modern? Of course. Yet just as they could not control my choices, you cannot control your parent's reactions.

You CAN, however, do what makes YOU happy, instead of allowing your parents to run your life.

You are not a child. You are a grown, intelligent woman who attracted a lovely man. Focus on pleasing each other by building a strong marriage, which suits the two of you alone.

Your culture does not define your life path.

 

Wow, incredible story OP and BL, I agree 100%. I wish you both (all 4 actually) peace and happiness. BL, I have been wanting to comment on your avatar....you are beautiful my dear and your husband is very handsom.

 

Life it too short, live it while you can:D

[Lotus Flower]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. You trully do sound like a wonderful and courageous woman!! I hope that I can be strong like you and take this step!! I have been away recently and am now back from my holiday facing reality again...I need to do something soon but still feel sick to the stomach at the thought of it. I guess its vecause my family are quite lovley to me in every other way. i mean they do not abuse me as such, just do not support me in my decision....You sound very happy in your life and I just hope and pray that life only gets better and better or you...Thank you for your support

[Goldenspoon]

Let me guess. Are you Indian (Hindu) and he a Pakistanian (Muslim)?

[Els]

In principle, family SHOULD come over and above a bf. However, the problem with this is that it will never end.

 

Think about it. What happens if she breaks up with bf for them, everything is cool, she meets another guy a few years down the road. They will make her choose between her next bf and them as well. And the next, and the next. Until she finds one who conforms to what THEY want (which may not be what she wants), or they die, or she's left a spinster at 50.

[Goldenspoon]

In principle, family SHOULD come over and above a bf. However, the problem with this is that it will never end.

 

Think about it. What happens if she breaks up with bf for them, everything is cool, she meets another guy a few years down the road. They will make her choose between her next bf and them as well. And the next, and the next. Until she finds one who conforms to what THEY want (which may not be what she wants), or they die, or she's left a spinster at 50.

 

To be fair, I think she is safe as long as she chooses someone within her religion and ethnic group.

[Els]

Hence the 'conforms to what THEY want' part.

 

Have you any idea how difficult it is to find a good man whom you're compatible with in most aspects and are wildly attracted to, and he to you?

 

Add the constraints of religion and ethnic group to that, and you really may as well start hunting for the needle in the haystack.

[Lotus Flower]

Yes - Except he's an Afghan

[Lotus Flower]

Thta' exactly what I feel - I mean if I give him up then very soon I'll be in my mid 30's and ""if"" I am ready to meet someone new I'd like to get to know them for a good couple of years....and off course they would have to be the same religion...but then what if they don't turn out to be the right person. Then what if I have the courage to face my family as I'm older and I search for my ex - and he is now gone and settles with another woman!? I would be so heartbroken and never forgive myself!!

 

This is getting worse day by day...I'm going to have to take some action very soon or I'll lose him! How long can he wait?! It's unfair on all

 

thnaks for your support

[Goldenspoon]

Yes - Except he's an Afghan

 

Is his family okay with you as an Indian?

[Lotus Flower]

His family were'nt over the moon at first, but accepted it in a very dignified way without too much drama....they are really lovng and open or atleast willing to be as they love their son

[interfuse]

You are an adult. You have to make your own decisions without feeling guilty or being put on by an ultimatum. Don't let your family tell you what or what not to do. If you really want to choose your boyfriend, choose him. Honestly, I'll resent my family if they made me break up with someone over religion or other stuff. I've never been in your situation before and I'm sorry you have to go through this, but if I were you I would pick the boyfriend. With a family like that that has to be religion based, I wouldn't want to do any of it with them. That is very cruel for them to do that to you and that is wrong.