Poll: everyone answer!!!

[foamy2001]

I was wondering how many who frequent this forum are dating again after the divorce/break up that brought them here...

 

How long did it take you to get to that point? Did anyone rush into relationships that they regret? Did anyone get back with their spouse/SO? How did the first relationship post-breakup go?

 

Just curious what everyone's post-divorce experience has been. I'm no where near ready to date again... just curious what it has been like for the masses.

[wrencn]

I just went on a date Thursday and then again last night. I've been separated for nearly 4 weeks. I did not plan on this at all! I only accepted so I could get out of the house because I was so depressed. It was nice, but of course I bring up my husband and I think that kinda bothers the guy. I would caution against it because now in addition to dealing with my marriage I'm wondering how this other person feels about me. The new guy told me on the second date he didn't want to date anyone other than me, which made me wonder if he's a player and if that is just "game".

 

Ugh I haven't dated since I was a teenager, I don't know how to do this!

[LisaLee]

Both my XH and I are in new relationships that is looking will end up long term for both of us. The XH has already proposed to his girlfriend and they live together. My guy and I have already stated that we will get married, but probably not for a few years. My relationship started a month after the divorce, XH's started maybe 3 or 4 months afterwards (with a string of women in between).

 

I do have a dilemma: I love my current SO dearly. The bond I feel for him is stronger than I have felt for anyone. The only problem is that sometimes I feel like it is all a dream. Sometimes I think to myself: "Is this really my life?"

 

I was with my XH for many years, starting when I was a teenager. We went through a very quick separation followed by a quicker divorce just last October. So sometimes I find myself shocked that I am not with the X any longer, and it doesn't feel real. I wonder if my current relationship and I were not an LDR and I was physically around him more often if I would feel differently. As it is, sometimes I still feel like I am in limbo, not very grounded at all.

 

Just for the record, I have no feelings whatsoever for my XH, and am very happy for him and his new relationship. But I guess it is hard that I am suddenly shift gears after so many years.

 

Is this a normal feeling?

[What_Next]

Timely question really. My wife and I are reconiling to a certain degree. It has sort of stalled and I think we are pretty much done.

 

The odd thing is that up until this point I hadn't even contemplated dating after divorce, I couldn't bring myself to think of it. Well that has completely changed; I've realized that life is too short to be alone and if we do officially seperate and then divorce I most definitely will date. However, I will not get into anything serious for a while.

[You Go Girl]

I just went on a date Thursday and then again last night. I've been separated for nearly 4 weeks. I did not plan on this at all! I only accepted so I could get out of the house because I was so depressed. It was nice, but of course I bring up my husband and I think that kinda bothers the guy. I would caution against it because now in addition to dealing with my marriage I'm wondering how this other person feels about me. The new guy told me on the second date he didn't want to date anyone other than me, which made me wonder if he's a player and if that is just "game".

 

Ugh I haven't dated since I was a teenager, I don't know how to do this!

 

He may not be a player, but just the opposite--looking for something serious as quickly as possible. I'd tell that guy that you find him very nice and attractive, but that he is going to have to realize that you are still going through many emotional things at this time because of your impending divorce, and that you are not ready for a new committment, as the marriage isn't even over yet. Taking it slow and keeping it on the light side is where you are at, and he needs to understand that.

[You Go Girl]

Both my XH and I are in new relationships that is looking will end up long term for both of us. The XH has already proposed to his girlfriend and they live together. My guy and I have already stated that we will get married, but probably not for a few years. My relationship started a month after the divorce, XH's started maybe 3 or 4 months afterwards (with a string of women in between).

 

I do have a dilemma: I love my current SO dearly. The bond I feel for him is stronger than I have felt for anyone. The only problem is that sometimes I feel like it is all a dream. Sometimes I think to myself: "Is this really my life?"

 

I was with my XH for many years, starting when I was a teenager. We went through a very quick separation followed by a quicker divorce just last October. So sometimes I find myself shocked that I am not with the X any longer, and it doesn't feel real. I wonder if my current relationship and I were not an LDR and I was physically around him more often if I would feel differently. As it is, sometimes I still feel like I am in limbo, not very grounded at all.

 

Just for the record, I have no feelings whatsoever for my XH, and am very happy for him and his new relationship. But I guess it is hard that I am suddenly shift gears after so many years.

 

Is this a normal feeling?

 

LDR's are safe during a divorce. You know this subconsciously.

That you have no feelings whatsoever for your XH, is a lie to yourself. Love we have felt for people doesn't just die off. You are human and will love him forever. Realize that, and you will have made significant progress in being grounded.

[You Go Girl]

Timely question really. My wife and I are reconiling to a certain degree. It has sort of stalled and I think we are pretty much done.

 

The odd thing is that up until this point I hadn't even contemplated dating after divorce, I couldn't bring myself to think of it. Well that has completely changed; I've realized that life is too short to be alone and if we do officially seperate and then divorce I most definitely will date. However, I will not get into anything serious for a while.

 

But can we control getting into something serious for awhile? Once you're in a relationship, it will progress as it will...rather beyond your control, as you will either develop feelings for the person or you won't. Maybe you have true control over your heart, but most of us will fall when we will....

[LisaLee]

LDR's are safe during a divorce. You know this subconsciously.

That you have no feelings whatsoever for your XH, is a lie to yourself. Love we have felt for people doesn't just die off. You are human and will love him forever. Realize that, and you will have made significant progress in being grounded.

 

Oh no, I will always have a feeling of some kind of love for the X, but mostly definitely not in love with him (is what I meant). As for my LDR being safe, I would say the opposite. The distance has been emotionally tolling for me.

[You Go Girl]

Oh no, I will always have a feeling of some kind of love for the X, but mostly definitely not in love with him (is what I meant). As for my LDR being safe, I would say the opposite. The distance has been emotionally tolling for me.

 

Glad to have that clarified about your XH!

I know the difficulties of a LDR, I've done it. It really amplifies the "missing you" part.

Going through a 2nd divorce right now myself, I can say that it sometimes even now feels like a dream that I'm not married to H1. Isn't that odd? Not really, as 20 years together just does not evaporate. Now I get to have that feeling about H2 also, although only 10 years. Geesh. What I've come to realize is that I have never stopped loving anybody that I have ever loved.

Row row row your boat, life is just a dream.......

[PWSX3]

Was married for 28 yrs, she left me. We had separated for 7 months, then tried getting back together, she admits now she didn't try at that time, she was selfish & was in the greener on the other side of the fence thinking.

 

Was separated second time for 7 months, started to see someone soon after that & have been seeing her for a year & a half but I think it's coming to an end.

 

I would NOT suggest people get into another relationship right away. Need to work things out yourself. I did a LOT of classes & other things to help me but I can see I could have used the time for myself.

 

When you get into another relationship it comforts you & you forget about the work & pain you need to go thru from the divorce. If you don't do that it will come back & bite you in your next relationship.

 

I also feel you get into another relationship to soon you try & compare, or like someone said; you end up talking about your ex. They say you shouldn't date until you know you can talk to someone without bringing up the ex.

 

I don't see anything wrong with going out as a group or with a group so you can still meet & talk with other people, but I wouldn't suggest dating specially after what I've experienced in my own situation.

[BetweenHere&There]

Well, my ex started seeing someone and moved in with her about a month after he left. Of course he states that it just happened and nothing was going on prior to our split.

 

I tried to meet a couple of people a while back, but just wasn't really interested in them....one turned out to be the ex of a VP in my company....RUN!!! Another was a divorce attorney...LMAO!. And no, not my attorney...but BORING. It was like taking LS to lunch. Since then, I pretty much went off the dating sites.

 

I never really dated much before my ex, so not very good at it...lol! It's not really any feelings for the ex that holds me back from dating...he actually tries to encourage me to date, I guess out of guilt. It's more that I just don't want to date..I go out with my gal friends and typically all I see out there are men just like my ex...not what I want to find again. And my gal friends use me to troll for men...:rolleyes:

 

I figure that when the right person comes along, I will know it. While the general feeling that life is too short....it's actually longer than we think most of the time. I tend to do things backwards anyway...

[heartbrokensj]

My hubby and I are trying to reconcile...have gone back to the basics...baby steps but we are both hoping to rebuild a stronger foundation and have a the kind of relationship we both envisioned when we first married. There are good and bad days but I am happy with the little progress i have seen so far.

[dgiirl]

My exh had "lunch" with his friend's assistant, and left our marriage. They now have 2 kids together.

 

For myself, it took me a good 2.5 years to start dating. Before that, I had a lot of guys interested, but it totally freaked me out and I was a basket case. 1.5 years I became friends with my current boyfriend. We were friends for a year before we acknowledged any feelings for one another. I was still a bit of a basket case, but he helped me a lot and had a lot of patience. We've been together for about 3 years. Neither one of us are in a rush to live with one another (although the conversation has come up) or get married (i will probably never want to get married again, and i'm ok with that!). We just really enjoy one another's company and just taking it one day at a time.

 

Honestly, when you think about a whole life time together, what's the rush of getting back into dating or making another commitment such as marriage. Take a few months/years and enjoy your freedom! If you are meant to be together, you will, and you will have a whole life to enjoy it, so don't rush it! Just make sure BOTH your needs are being met and you are happy! Everything else is just technicalities.

[LucreziaBorgia]

When I first came here, exH had asked for an open marriage and I was looking for insight/advice, etc. Over the next few years we wavered between broken up, seeing other people, and reconciliation. Eventually we went our separate ways. He lives with his girlfriend now, and I'm engaged to my boyfriend (and knocked up to boot!)

 

We tried to make the divorce legal recently, but our case was thrown out because the judge didn't like the "pro se" way we went about it and now we have to start the divorce process all over again. No big. This time we'll just get a lawyer to do a simple no fault joint custody divorce.

[dgiirl]

I just went on a date Thursday and then again last night. I've been separated for nearly 4 weeks. I did not plan on this at all! I only accepted so I could get out of the house because I was so depressed. It was nice, but of course I bring up my husband and I think that kinda bothers the guy. I would caution against it because now in addition to dealing with my marriage I'm wondering how this other person feels about me. The new guy told me on the second date he didn't want to date anyone other than me, which made me wonder if he's a player and if that is just "game".

 

Ugh I haven't dated since I was a teenager, I don't know how to do this!

 

That kinda sums up my experience in the beginning. I found a LOT of men who wanted to have a serious relationship and that freaked me out. I do believe they were sincere. We simply were at different stages in life. They had been single for a while and wanted a serious relationship. I, on the other hand, wanted nothing serious!

 

If you just want to get out of the house, I strongly encourage you to get out and socialize, but it doesnt need to be dating. Take up some hobbies or activities. Meet a new group of people! Making a new set of friends is fantastic for your self esteem. These people get to know you, the single happy you, and when you realize they like the SINGLE you, not the married as a couple you, you will feel fantastic about yourself.

[wrencn]

He may not be a player, but just the opposite--looking for something serious as quickly as possible. I'd tell that guy that you find him very nice and attractive, but that he is going to have to realize that you are still going through many emotional things at this time because of your impending divorce, and that you are not ready for a new committment, as the marriage isn't even over yet. Taking it slow and keeping it on the light side is where you are at, and he needs to understand that.

 

You are right. He's 39 and looking for a wife and to possibly have another child. He is lots of fun and I really like his personality. We clicked from the start. I will be honest with him and not lead him on or allow myself to rebound.

[tojaz]

I was wondering how many who frequent this forum are dating again after the divorce/break up that brought them here...

 

How long did it take you to get to that point? Did anyone rush into relationships that they regret? Did anyone get back with their spouse/SO? How did the first relationship post-breakup go?

 

Just curious what everyone's post-divorce experience has been. I'm no where near ready to date again... just curious what it has been like for the masses.

 

Well divorced a full year as of Tuesday, have gone on a couple of first dates but apparently have "love my wife" tatooed on my forehead. Then again like most, I havent dated anyone in over a decade and have no clue what the hell I'm doing and have no doubt that shows. Right now, I ride the fence, I hate being alone much of the time, but not really comfortable with the thought of sharing my life completely with someone other then my ex.

 

TOJAZ

[Tayla]

Rule of thumb:

 

Casual dating after three months. Serious dating (long term) came about after two years. A guy gave me the best advice when I was coming to terms with the divorce. Enjoy your independent lifestyle, get to know us guys and stop thinking each one is a potential suitor, we aren't. And lastly stick close to your true friends, they got you this far.

 

On the other side, I live by the rule that I don't date divorce men who havent hit the two year mark....they might have taken off the ring but they forgot to move on . Same too with men who were in Long term relations. Move thru the grieving stages...then when complete start to re-establish a new way of life and dating.

 

Bottom line- stay away from rebounds.

[backadit]

I have been separated for a month and a half and I am definitely seeking. My marraige was rocky from the beginning and since the separation I have felt very detached from everything. I think more than anything I am looking for someone to talk with and share closeness with as that was severly missing fot the past few years. Knowing this I know have to be extremely carefull about moving too quickly for both myself and the person I will be dating. I think that is good advice for anyone looking to start a relationship after divorce. That is where the rebound relationship comes from, people not taking a close and objective view at where they are in the grieving process. Even if you don't feel like you are "grieving" it is still a loss and will screw with your head.

Bottom line everyone has thier own history and time frame so I don't think there is an "appropriate" time as long as you realize your motives and move slowly

[Steadfast]

 

...I would caution against it because now in addition to dealing with my marriage I'm wondering how this other person feels about me.

 

 

That was my experience. Seeing someone else didn't 'wash' anything away, it only added things to my already overburdened mental checklist. Hard to believe but sex only made it worse, although I must admit that being wanted and desired after rejection did wonders for my self-esteem.

 

Dating is part of the healing process, but only part. I followed my 'rebound' relationship with a long period of single life. What you eventually realize is people are people, and nature is nature. It's shocking just how quickly one can get in over their head. As much as I hated it, it took another person for me to realize that I was still in love with my ex wife. Knowing all too well how painful and cruel being in limbo is, I decided to do everyone a favor (myself included) and not date until I had the ex out of my system.

 

If you meet someone, mutual attraction is present and you don't compare them to your ex, then you're probably ready to date again.

[wrencn]

I'm not good at following my own advice. I've spent the majority of the weekend with my rebound guy and I did get emotional (drinking) last night lol but I'm good now. I'm going to have fun. I really enjoy his company and I don't think of my husband when I'm with him. What I like most is that he takes me out, dinner, breakfast, movies... My husband didn't treat me like a lady and it really hurt my self esteem. Oh I also saw my husband this morning for the first time in 4 weeks and I felt nothing. I'm making progress.

[2.50 a gallon]

Mind you this was 30 years ago. I had a revenge affair with an associate OM's wife within a month of the break up

 

XW figured it out and immediately wanted me back. Shw was damaged goods, it was over, even though I was in love with her.

 

More than anything it renewed my confidence in my manhood.

 

About 3 months after the breakup was propositioned by a fellow worker who was breaking up with her H. We had a short affair and when it began to get deep, I ran. Looking back years later, I realized that she could have been special

 

About 5 years after the breakup, I began a long term on/off relationship that lasted over 6, years, when she began to press, I packed up and moved back to home town. Where I met present GF.

 

She was living with another, and when they separated about two years later we began dating. I was her rebound, about 90 days after the separation, and we have been together, very much in love for coming up on 15 years

 

 

 

gin

[hopesndreams]

I was wondering how many who frequent this forum are dating again after the divorce/break up that brought them here...

 

How long did it take you to get to that point? Did anyone rush into relationships that they regret? Did anyone get back with their spouse/SO? How did the first relationship post-breakup go?

 

Just curious what everyone's post-divorce experience has been. I'm no where near ready to date again... just curious what it has been like for the masses.

 

Started dating within a few months of being on my own. My heart was never in it. There was too much energy to expend. I quit dating in November last year but had 1 date in July. It didn't work out.

 

My expectations will be high for a future romance. That's why I'm still single.

 

I am open to having a SO in my life though. There are no walls. Thank God.

[zippy's login]

It's been about 6 weeks since the divorce and several months since I began getting over the ex. I have no desire at all for a serious or even regular relationship. Having said that I have slept with a few women that were looking for only the same thing. I must admit that I am enjoying it.

 

BTW 2.50/gal - I'm doing the same thing you are with the OM's STBX. They don't know yet.

[2.50 a gallon]

Zippy

 

To be honest, it was one of the most erotic things I have ever experienced.

 

Be careful, when he finds out. I was fairly safe, as I had moved. She had him served with his D-papers, and included a Temp. R. O. and a Sheriff stood by while she removed her personal things. When he figured out who was what he went crazy and they had to put him in the back of the squad car. Then the next stage set in and he totally lost it, I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

 

Thinking about it later, I remembered the anger I felt when I found out, and the danger that the OM was in from me, and realized that I then had a target on my back