Ceejay Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 I recently met a guy that I really liked. We dated for a month but then I found out that he's married. I hate that I had any part of it but I also want to help his wife by telling her what kind of man he is. I would hate it if I was with a man and someone knew that he had cheated on me but didn't tell me. My problem is that I don't know how to tell her. I don't want to just walk up to her because she may feel that it is my fault and come after me instead of him. HELP!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 I don't think you should tell them. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 The first question is ought you tell the wife about her husband's betrayal. With all due respect to Dyer, I believe a case can be made for telling her. This MM betrayed you as well: He never told you he was married, so you "dated" him. He played with your emotions, manipulated you and injured you. In my opinion, you have strong grounds to inform on him. It's a risk he assumed when he started playing his "double deception" game. The second question is how to inform the wife of his double duplicity. I would telephone her and carefully, sensitively and efficiently explain how her husband pretended to be single and unattached in order to "date" you. I would not go into the dirty details. Good luck. But realize that this info, once conveyed to the wife, may destroy his marriage. Again, if I were you, I'd spill the beans to the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 The thing is, your motives for telling her are not a righteous pursuit of karma. You're trying to cause pain to make up for the pain done to you. When you entered into an extramarital affiar, regardless of whether you knew he was married, you were helping him do harm to his wife. Jester may not agree with me, but I believe that what they don't know *CAN* hurt them, because even if they don't know of the infidelity, the effect that the infidelity has on the marriage does exist--in fact, it cannot NOT exist, because a person cannot be emotionally invested in one person while still fulfilling an emotional commitment to another--that's part of the commitment. I understand your need to avenge him, but don't disguise that need with moral righteousness, that somehow you're doing the wife justice. Telling her will cause pain for him, and I recognize that's what you're after. Even though you didn't know he was married, that just makes YOU beyond reproach. It doesn't undo the damage you'll be doing to her. I'm not taking sides really, Jester makes some good point for telling her. It's just not something I'd recommend doing, I don't think you're doing it for the right reasons--and yes, it does make a difference, in terms of the pain that you're walking away from. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 I feel your motives sound pretty pure. You're just putting yourself in her shoes, and will be treating her as you wish that you yourself would be treated. That's the Golden Rule. You don't sound vengeful to me. However, if you do go ahead, be prepared to be called a liar or worse. You could be getting it from both the husband and the wife. They'll be reacting out of anger and fear. I agree with jester, that if you do this it should be over the telephone and should be a neutral recitation of facts. I would not get into any discussion of emotions, be they yours, his or hers. Just words, times, dates, actions, and whatever else is neutral and factual. She may ask for certain details or for a personal meeting. Plan ahead carefully exactly what you will and will not tell her. And realize that telling her may have an emotional effect on you. It's hard to rpedict in advance what that effect will be. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
s.elizabeth Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Are you 250% sure you are not acting to hurt the wife out of jealousy? I had a BF about a hundred years ago who cheated on me constantly. I was unaware until one of his "best" friends told me. Turned out later this "best" friend wanted *me*. Do you want to be the messenger who brings the bad news? You will forever alter this woman's life. A lot of men cheat, think the better of it, go back to their marriages, and try to be good husbands. Do you want to take that chance away from him? I am very skeptical about what good might be done by telling. Link to post Share on other sites
sis69 Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Originally posted by Ceejay I recently met a guy that I really liked. We dated for a month but then I found out that he's married. I hate that I had any part of it but I also want to help his wife by telling her what kind of man he is. I would hate it if I was with a man and someone knew that he had cheated on me but didn't tell me. My problem is that I don't know how to tell her. I don't want to just walk up to her because she may feel that it is my fault and come after me instead of him. HELP!!! I think your doing the right thing, by telling her. She needs to know,Put a letter in the mail box with no return address. She needs to be aware of what this Jerk husband is doing. At least she's going to be on to his scams, and he needs to be confronted by her. She may believe it, or she may not. But I'm sure she will be looking when he not expecting. Link to post Share on other sites
arie Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I don't think you sound like you are trying to get even either. I would want to know if I where in a relationship and my partner where cheating on me. If you don't tell her she may catch some aweful deadly desease from him. Can't have that on your mind. But yes, It would be an aweful thing to have to break that news to someone. But I think she has the right to know so that she can protect herself. Link to post Share on other sites
chrissy4534624 Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 just tell her...she'll prob flip out on u...call u a slut...whatever but its for the best. then she'll probably listen to her husband tell her it's not true, make up lies about you, and she'll run back to him. in about a year or so it will happen again and then maybe she'll listen. Link to post Share on other sites
Crys0369 Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Yikes! It's tough. You're a woman and you know how women are. She's going to hate you and not him. It's sad but true. But yeah, I do the phone call thing and although she's gonna want to know all about it, don't take it too far. Let her know what he's been doing but don't tell her all the details. You know how much it's gonna hurt. Just make sure you have her best intentions in mind...not just you wanting them to be over. Tell her, and don't take it personal when she becomes inraged with you. Just let her know you wanted to tell her and end it there... Sorry you had to be put in that situation... Link to post Share on other sites
Cheetah Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 I've been seeing a guy for over a year now who has a g/f and just bought a house with her! There's no doubt in my mind that he loves and cares about her but states the physical attraction is gone. He has worked on this, she has even lost 40lbs and his attration hasn't come back. He does plan on marrying her because she's a great girl. We have a great chemistry but I could never trust him as a husband. He'd probably cheat on me too! I do sometimes wish she'd find out though because she sounds like a great person. I just don't want to be the one who's with him when/if she finds out. I'm sure there will be another person(s) after me... Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 Don't tell her. Walk away from the situation and don't look back. Chances are she will eventually find out the truth anyway. If he can cheat with you, not tell you hes married ect, chances are he will do it again with someone else, and she will end up finding out at some point. The truth will come out one way or the other, it usually always does. Link to post Share on other sites
indigo_moon Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by Cheetah I've been seeing a guy for over a year now who has a g/f and just bought a house with her! There's no doubt in my mind that he loves and cares about her but states the physical attraction is gone. He has worked on this, she has even lost 40lbs and his attration hasn't come back. He does plan on marrying her because she's a great girl. We have a great chemistry but I could never trust him as a husband. He'd probably cheat on me too! I do sometimes wish she'd find out though because she sounds like a great person. I just don't want to be the one who's with him when/if she finds out. I'm sure there will be another person(s) after me... Your post is very contradictory....you've been seeing someone who's already very much involved, for a whole year now, and you say you wish she'd find out what a dog he is because she sounds like a great person...............so if you think the latter, why are you continuing with this dog? If you thought she was truly great, you wouldn't want any part of being with him, or participating in this kind of deceit against her. What a crock, his saying that the physical attraction toward her is gone.........yet he just bought a home with her (that's a significant financial commitment that couples don't enter into lightly) and he still plans to marry her - yet he's f*cking you and has been for the past year, behind her back, telling you all the while that she's a nice girl but he's not attracted to her? He's a slimebag...........what do you find so attractive about a guy who betrays his girlfriend like this, going so far as to buy a home with her and state he'll marry her? Don't either of you have a conscience? Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted December 24, 2004 Share Posted December 24, 2004 I see nothing wrong with telling her. And, who cares if your motives aren't 100% pure? I agree with whoever said it -- he deceived and betrayed you as well (though not as badly as he did his wife, of course). Besides, if you were her, wouldn't YOU want to know? With respect, I disagree with Dyer (cool avatar btw, man). You won't be hurting her by telling her. Her pr1ck husband has already done that, she just doesn't know it yet. You'll just be the messenger, and I don't think you'd have anything to feel bad about. If she knows, then she can start making her own decisions about whether or not her marriage is worth saving. Speaking as a betrayed husband, I'd want to know. Which leads to the question of how to do it to minimize the fallout on you. I'd suggest that you set up a new, single-purpose hotmail account. Send a letter to her at her home, laying it all out. End the letter by saying that you won't be contacting her again, but that if she wants more information, she can email you. Tell the truth, that you had no idea he was married, and that you're sorry to be the one to tell her, and that you sent the letter because, if your positions were reversed, you'd want the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
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