when to call?? i dont know what her interest level is

[monkey00]

OK, i went out w/my friend + her friends, one of them was cute. this has been the 4th time we hung out and her friend was w/us.

she was the reserved type of girls. she doesnt drink too!! haha.

 

we were out drinking, when my friend walked away...she took her cell and was looking through the phonebook for my name to look at my #. then my friend got back and snatched the phone back before she got to see my #.

 

then later on in the night, i said, "hey, we should get together later this week, let me get your #." then i gave her my cell and she added it to my phonebook....all she has is the home # cause she has no cell!!!

 

usually she doesnt really talk unless i start talkin to her...or she just doesnt relaly talk at all! me and my friend were teasing each other, and i was sleepy + buzzed. so i didnt note if she was looking over or not, but from one of my glances i think she was looking over and got jealous. Later on we all went home.

 

I dont know if she thinks i asked for her # for hangout purposes, or for a date. I cant measure her interest level. reserved girls are so hard to tell.

 

can you guys interpret anything from this and what her interest level is?

and exactly how long should i wait to call? dinner date or no? and how long should the dinner date last?

[amerikajin]

Monkey,

 

It sounds to me like you've got a girl with an interest in you. She gave you her home phone number. She could have done that just to be nice to you or because she felt like she couldn't so "no", but more often than not, if a girl gives you her HOME number, that's a great sign.

 

My advice: wait at least five to seven days until after you've gotten her phone number, then set the date up for the next weekend (note: if it's toward the end of the week already (i.e. after wednesday), then set it up for the following weekend or, better yet, find out if she has a night free during the week. That might be actually preferable if it's over a week until your next good weekend - a Wednesday or Thursday night, maybe? Coffee? Light dinner? There's several ways you could go about this, but I'm usually the slow and steady type. Just don't be too slow, that's all. Be a challenge, but somehow reassure the girl you're at least interested in her.

 

My short rules of thumb:

- wait at least five to seven days after you've got her # to set up the date.

- don't set up the date beyond a week from the day you call

- don't set up the date sooner than four days before you call (the 4 to 7 rule)

- it's best not to set it up for saturday night - that's the golden night, and you want her to think you've got plans that night. Mystery.

 

Critical! On the phone, but nice but short. Set up the date and get off the phone, but try to sound as warm as you did when you were with her.

[monkey00]

hey amerikajin, thx for the tip. also the 4-7 rule thing sounds good and weekend thing.

 

on the date, i dont want to give away too much information about me, that's gonna take away the mystery. i can focus the convo on her, but i wonder if that's too much. meet up for coffee or dinner than thats it? part so soon? it still kinda sucks to go out and not stay out late.

 

im still unsure of her interest level, tell you tha truth. she doesnt show the signs like normal girls show. she doesnt mind me touching her (kinesthics). eye dilation?? little stuff like that i normally dont pick up even if it did happen.

 

near the end of the night we didnt really talk, neither on the ride home in a friend's car.

since she's so reserved, there are times where even i feel awkward in talking to her at times. cause usually im the convo initiator, she wont speak unless i start speaking to her.

 

i feel like between the both of us, exists some kind of chemistry....but it's the awkward type, it's hard to explain really. we dont really flirt, nor do we compliment either at all...but i feel it exists somehow.

what about kissing on the first date? or putting my arms around her, holding her hands...etc?

 

amerikajin: since you're in japan, there should be tons of reserved girls there.

tell me what signs of interest they show to you when they're interested? or what ways reserved girls usually show when they're interested.

[amerikajin]

Monkey,

 

It depends on what your goals are with a girl.

 

Don't confuse the sex objective with a relationship objective. That's one of the biggest mistakes we guys make. Hell, I make that mistake all the time and I know better. It's just a natural impulse to give her the hard sell, when in fact, a woman wants evidence that a guy can control himself in her presence. For example, the kino thing...be very careful about that until you've gotten to know her. That's usually a play for sex, and while some girls may not always catch it if it's subtle, most girls will be able onto your game. I'm not saying you've gone bust, but be careful there. If you're trying to do the mystery thing, kino's the wrong way to go because you're already showing a lot of interest in someone if you're touching them, especially given the situation. Women see things before we do. I mean, if you're gonna go for the bodyslam, you gotta close the deal that night.

 

If she says yes to a date with you after you've already given her some kino, I'd say your prospects with her are great for the time being. That means she feels comfortable around you. Question: when you touched her, did she at any point try to make herself less available? Did she change seats? Did she go to the bathroom or tell her friend that she ought to be getting home because it was getting kinda late? Did she ignore you? If she didn't do these things, that probably means she felt comfortable around you. I'm a little concerned that you didn't talk much on the way home. Usually, a girl who's having a good time will have SOMETHING to say to you on the way home.

 

As for the signs: it's better if she's the one doing the touching. Basically, chicks will usually let you know that they're into you. Some girls may be shy, but they all have similar ways of letting a guy know they're interested. If they're really shy, maybe it's nothing more than a lot of eye contact and a smile (since you asked, J-girls will smile and giggle if they like you). If she's more outgoing, then she'll talk to you about what you "might be able to do together sometime" or she'll be playing with her hair, touching you and doing anything she can to let you know it's time to make your move.

 

As for what to do now....

 

First of all, you've got to call her. Call her up. Be courteous but to the point. Have a back up day in case she can't meet you on the day you first propose. Here's the deal: if you give her two dates and she says no and doesn't suggest at least a time to call back, you're out. Caput. End of story.

 

If you get that far and get the date, then basically, just make sure you have fun on the date. That's more important than anything else. Have fun, make sure she has fun and since you offered, pick up the tab for dinner. Let her know in a nice way that she can help with any additional expenses.

 

The coffee date thing is kinda like a pre-date, and I've gotten to the point where I like to use that to see where I'm headed with a woman. If the date turns out to be crap, then you've only lost two hours and seven bucks, as opposed to four hours and 40 or 50 bucks. It's like employment screeing. You do the phone interview first, then invite her in for the longer version if you're still interested.

 

In this particular situation, I'd go ahead and make it a dinner date. The reason is, you've already been giving her the kino. It's going to be a little odd for a woman who's already gotten some physical contact to be going down to a coffee date. She'll be thinking "What the f_ck? Am I being downgraded?!" Women can send mixed messages, but mixed messages from a man isn't attractive.

 

Remember that the dinner date gives your more to think about. You've already given her the kino, so she'll be expecting more. At the dinner table and in public places, you follow her lead only - let her touch you before touching her first. Play it by ear. Think of a place you two can be alone and just chit chat - not her place or yours, but maybe a park or some place that's nice and quiet. If the opportunity presents itself, then go for the kiss. You'll either strike out or hit it big. Chances are, if you've gotten to this point and things are good, you'll get the kiss. If not, she'll probably just say "It's getting kinda late, I need to go home now."

 

Good luck

[monkey00]

amerikajin, first off, thanks for the thorough response as it's very helpful.

 

i did the kino with her but didnt overuse it, only sparingly! last time we were out shooting pool together, my guy friend did some kino oh her hands, showing her how to use the pool stick...she was ok w/it i guess.

 

i think im still a mystery to her, because i notice myself always sending out mixed signals...done unintentionally, but that's just how i am. amerikajin, you said mixed signals arent attractive, but isnt that almost the same as being a mystery/challenge and unknowing how you feel about her.

 

well when i kino her and the time i put my arm around her for 3 seconds in the movie theatre since she was sitting next to me, and the other 2 friends teased that we were sitting in the spotlight. i didnt get any cold vibes from her, and i think she smiled too.

 

about the not talking on the way home. i dont know why we didnt, but i dont think she had a good time. maybe she was having doubts if i still had interest in her (or possibly unhappy), cause near the end of the night i didnt really talk to her nor kino her at all.

 

the signs of interest you speak of, well i dont get any of it!! this girl is reserved to the EXTREME. i dont even recall a time of her touching me. it's possible she's hiding her interest, fear of rejection?

btw, i got her #, she doesnt have mine...its possible she wants it (since she was looking through our friend's phonebook for my name, i was next to her, but friend got back and snatched phone back) but is too nervous to ask for it.

 

im planning on putting my arms around her waist or shoulders...the kiss, well possibly when i walk her back to her place...if things goo good. but i feel she's the type that likes to play it safe, so i dont know if i should even do any of this...i dont wanna push her away if she's not ready. and i dont want her thinking im after sex cause im not.

[monkey00]

plus i fear that if things go too slowly, she might lose interest all together, cause im not making any moves, and "playing it safe" will come to mind.

[amerikajin]

Okay, let's look at the videotape.

 

>>>i think im still a mystery to her, because i notice myself always sending out mixed signals...done unintentionally, but that's just how i am. amerikajin, you said mixed signals arent attractive, but isnt that almost the same as being a mystery/challenge and unknowing how you feel about her. <<<

 

I reiterate, mixed signals are NOT attractive. Mystery and mixed signals aren't the same thing. By being mysterious, you're showing self-control, and you're not revealing yourself immediately, but rather, you're revealing yourself over time. Women dig a guy who's in control of himself. They respect him that way. If you're showing affection one moment by touching her but going silent the next, you're making her think you're some kind of mind-game artist or something, or that you just don't know what you're doing. Some women can forgive the mistake a time or two, but after a while, they get frustrated and move on to someone who knows how to close the sale.

 

>>>well when i kino her and the time i put my arm around her for 3 seconds in the movie theatre since she was sitting next to me, and the other 2 friends teased that we were sitting in the spotlight. i didnt get any cold vibes from her, and i think she smiled too. <<<

 

That's good so far.

 

>>>about the not talking on the way home. i dont know why we didnt, but i dont think she had a good time. maybe she was having doubts if i still had interest in her (or possibly unhappy), cause near the end of the night i didnt really talk to her nor kino her at all. <<<

 

I've got to be honest with you, Monkey. I'm a bit concerned. If a girl isn't having a good time in your presence, it's kinda hard to get her out a second time. I'm not there so I don't have all the info (body language and so on), but your description above isn't encouraging.

 

>>>the signs of interest you speak of, well i dont get any of it!! this girl is reserved to the EXTREME. i dont even recall a time of her touching me. it's possible she's hiding her interest, fear of rejection? <<<

 

She could be just reserved to the extreme, but if she's like most women, she'll let a guy know when she's into you - even the quiet ones can smile or laugh. If she's reserved to the extreme, she might not be interested. However, that's not for me to say, that's for you to find out.

 

>>>btw, i got her #, she doesnt have mine...its possible she wants it (since she was looking through our friend's phonebook for my name, i was next to her, but friend got back and snatched phone back) but is too nervous to ask for it.<<<

 

That's a good sign that she's looking through the phone for your name, but no, chances are, she will NEVER be the one to call you - especially if she's reserved to the extreme. There are some exceptions, but in most cases, guys have to do the asking.

 

>>>im planning on putting my arms around her waist or shoulders...the kiss, well possibly when i walk her back to her place...if things goo good. but i feel she's the type that likes to play it safe, so i dont know if i should even do any of this...i dont wanna push her away if she's not ready. and i dont want her thinking im after sex cause im not.<<<

 

Let me correct you on something: you ARE after sex. Don't apologize for it.

 

It's okay to be after sex, but just don't make sex the centerpiece of your relationship. Show a girl that you're patient. You have to recognize the cues and then react according to her actions. If she touches a few times you during the date (even if it's more than just a casual bump of the shoulder), then by all means, hold her hand. At the end of the date, go for the kiss. Don't apologize for it, just do it. If she turns away, then you're out.

 

That's how you'll know.

[monkey00]

the way i think she feels about me is vice versa w/her probably...confusing isnt it?

 

i know i can be intimidating at times, but since we've had a good chat and are fairly comfortable with each other, it shouldnt have an effect on her....but i wonder if my intimidation is messing w/her mind.

 

when i get a chance im most likely going to call her tomorrow night and make plans for wed or thurs.

i'll let you you know how the date (if there is one) goes.

 

btw, i think i did a bad move. i was the first person to be driven home, so i said "thx for the ride (to the dude driver), later guys take care." and just bounced. i should have put some attention or said bye personally to the chick, but i didnt!! argh im an idiot sometimes. and now she probably thinks im playing mind games w/her. our friend slept over @ the chick's place since it was 4 a.m. so...i think they may have had plenty to talk about.....

 

-----I reiterate, mixed signals are NOT attractive. Mystery and mixed signals aren't the same thing. By being mysterious, you're showing self-control, and you're not revealing yourself immediately, but rather, you're revealing yourself over time. Women dig a guy who's in control of himself. They respect him that way. If you're showing affection one moment by touching her but going silent the next, you're making her think you're some kind of mind-game artist or something, or that you just don't know what you're doing. Some women can forgive the mistake a time or two, but after a while, they get frustrated and move on to someone who knows how to close the sale.----

 

it's a good thing you pointed this out to me, it's made me rethink my actions. w/me sending mixed signals ,this sends out hte vibe that i dont know what i want and not in control. next time, i'll be more straightforward w/my intentions and signals. if this girl was more extroverted and i was definite of her interest, i dont think i'd be doing these stupid things. i think the problem is that w/her, i dont know what she wants and it's screwing around w/my subconscious and making me do these stupid things all together, i think thats the reason why i act this certain way around her.

 

OK OK i screwed this up! i kinoed the new gal that my friend called out that day, and its possible she's taking this into account. only 1x. ill give her a call tomorrow definitely and see where that leads.

 

thx again for the thorough analysis response amerikajin

[amerikajin]

>>>when i get a chance im most likely going to call her tomorrow night and make plans for wed or thurs.

i'll let you you know how the date (if there is one) goes. <<<

 

Just remember the 4 to 7 rule.

 

>>>btw, i think i did a bad move. i was the first person to be driven home, so i said "thx for the ride (to the dude driver), later guys take care." and just bounced. i should have put some attention or said bye personally to the chick, but i didnt!! argh im an idiot sometimes. and now she probably thinks im playing mind games w/her. our friend slept over @ the chick's place since it was 4 a.m. so...i think they may have had plenty to talk about.....<<<

 

Mmmmm....

 

Let me ask you this: is your friend a good closer? Is this the same guy who was showing her how to play with his pool stick? Yikes!

 

Not that it matters long term, though. If they got buckwild, he's a short-term prospect.

 

Here's a tip for future reference. Be careful about going out in groups. A girl likes to know you have friends, but sometimes your "friends" can become your competitors. You have to separate the prey from the rest of the herd.

[monkey00]

Originally posted by amerikajin

Mmmmm....

 

Let me ask you this: is your friend a good closer? Is this the same guy who was showing her how to play with his pool stick? Yikes!

 

Not that it matters long term, though. If they got buckwild, he's a short-term prospect.

 

Here's a tip for future reference. Be careful about going out in groups. A girl likes to know you have friends, but sometimes your "friends" can become your competitors. You have to separate the prey from the rest of the herd.

 

4 ppl in car including me. driver was a dude that my friend (female) called out to drink w/us...i dont know him. the 4 ppl in car was 1. shy girl 2. female friend (her's and mine) 3. unknown driver guy

4. me

 

the female friend slept over at shy girl's place. i have very few ppl you can consider "friends" and knowing them, they wont hang out w/ppl they dont know (fear of rejection). i know lots more acquaintences. yea that time at pool when the dude was kinoing her hand, i got jelous for a bit, but got over it...yea competitors indeed.

 

if it helps, she laughs at all my C&F jokes ( i only do a few each time i hang out)...but then again, all of them laugh.

 

did you read the part w/me not know what she wants and it screwing w/my brain...i think stuff like this definitely screws around with my actions sometimes.

[amerikajin]

Monkey,

 

At the end of the day, you just have to go for it. She'll either accept or politely put you off. Good luck.