dkopp Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 I posted a thread a few weeks ago - I am the one who had a a six month affair with my married therapist. He left his wife, moved into an apartment, asked me to marry him, went back to his wife when we were found out by his grown kids and was in limbo trying to make a decision who he wants to be with. He went to Mexico (with the wife) and we saw each other when he came back and he informed me that he still loves me, is still "in love with me" but is "stepping back into his marriage." He has made his choice and I am totally devastated. We have since had many conversations and emails back and forth trying to gain some resolution of "WHY". He says he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone but he just couldn't walk away from his life (meaning his 33 year marriage, friends, grown kids, house, etc.) like he thought he could and tried to do. I am having SUCH a hard time coping with this loss. How can a man be so completely in love/emotionally involved one minute and then the following week do such a drastic turnaround? My plan is to cut off all contact with him (I've gone 3 days now) and try to move on with my life. I feel like the depression and pain will never go away. Will getting the answers of why this happened give me any resolution? I keep thinking he's going to wake up one day and realize what a mistake he's made and come back to me. I also realize that I should not want a man that had the capacity to do this to me but I still love him. I am always fantacizing about a reconciliation with us, if not tomorrow then maybe 3 months, 6 months or a year down the road. I can't seem to let go of the dream that we shared. I'm tired of being so miserable and would really like to have my life back. He's hijacked my every thought and I don't know how to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 He has told you that he will not leave his wife and family. Please understand that. Please believe that. You will never have him. Yes, you can and you will get over this, but only if you have no contact whatsoever with him. I can totally understand your need for closure and resolution, but in the end the fact remains--he's married and he's going to stay married. Give yourself time to grieve and heal, but don't sit idle and obsess over him. He's told you how it must be. You have to learn to accept that and move on with your life. Time and space will heal you, but only if you let it. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 I promise you that you WILL feel better. Much better. Probably not real soon, however. But I assure you that this pain will lift and this hijacker will get kicked out the door for good. To help clear the painful thoughts, do all of the following as much or as long as necessary: * Cry * Scream * Rant * Make a list of everything that repels you about your MM and your feelings for him * Perform ritualistic destructions of items symbolizing your relationship with him * Start building new dreams that don't include him * Challenge your body physically - workouts, long hikes, etc. * Clean out your refrigerator, attic and basement * Listen to loud music You WILL feel better. I promise you most sincerely that this pain will lessen. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 The best thing you can do is go see an attorney who will take your case on contingency and file a malpractice lawsuit for, oh, $25 million against your therapist who decided to screw you as well. When a person goes to see a counsellor, there is a great amount of trust placed in that relationship and he betrayed that trust in a heinous way. Your recovery from whatever your problem was has been severely reversed by his unprofessional conduct and he should be punished. Anytime you go to a professional for psychological services and during the course of treatment that person you retained for counselling services engages you personally and/or sexually, it's time to clock out and notify the authorities. The reason is that this man must be stopped from screwing up other people's lives in the future. Don't even think you're the first vulnerable person he's taken advantage of who came to him for help. What a bastard! You wrote that the depression and pain will never go away...and you are probably right to an extent. You went for help and got it up the butt! Professional therapists are there to keep that from happening...not to MAKE it happen. You can't legally castrate him biologically but a lawsuit will castrate him professionally for all time...and he and all others like him need to have that done. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 This man was your therapist? The professional whose duty it is to help you has caused you catastrophic harm. He has betrayed his trust and fiduciary duty to you as his patient , as a woman and I'm sure he has violated numerous canons of professional ethics. To SoleMate's excellent list, I would add filing an ethics complaint against him with whatever state disciplinary board regulating his profession. He didn't treat you, he used you to satisfy his lust. I'd try to get this predator's license revoked or suspended. I bet you won't be the last female patient on which he preys. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 Don't even think you're the first vulnerable person he's taken advantage of who came to him for help. What a bastard! Hey dkopp You know you are welcome to p/m me anytime as I said before. Read and memorize Tony's post. This guy is poison..Period.....He is not only unethical but unprofessional.. Maybe it would help you to talk to a real therapist who has your best interest at heart and behaves accordingly. You will get over this as others have said...but it will take some time. My wish for you is to get really angry about this...He has zero regard for you and would treat a garden snail better than he has treated you. I do not wish to sound harsh but this guy DOES NOT LOVE YOU....Please memorize this as well. He may have loved the attention you gave him, the sex and the control he had over you. HE ROTS! His self-serving behavior is not love. Stop talking to him. Stop thinking about him ...ew...He is a bottom-feeder! Stop loving him...Just stop. I have to say out of all the mm stories I have heard this freaks me out the most... It makes me want to hurl.........! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Developing a strong emotional attachment to your therapist is extremely common. It's not only that you share your innermost thoughts/experiences with another. It's also that in many forms of treatment you become to some extent dependent on them whilst they are helping you to change your perceptions and behaviours. Your therapist will have seen this many times and will have known that you were vulnerable to him because he was your therapist, and yet he exploited that vulnerability. Do report him if you feel able to or at least contact an organisation who act as advocates for those with mental illness to talk things through with and find professional help to aid you in your recovery. Break ups like this are hard at the best of times but in your situation there is the additional damage caused by this man because of his abuse of power. You will recover but I would urge you to get help to regain a degree of psychological independence that will be essential for your recovery. If you have difficulty finding an advocacy organisation please do PM me, I don't live in the US but I may be able to help you track one down. Alternatively a regulating authority should be able to help. Other than that you are doing all the right things - ceasing contact being the most important step. I don't think you will get or benefit from the answers to the questions you have - but part of the process of letting go is to talk them through with someone. No matter how much he cared for you it was not enough to stop him exploiting your vulnerabilities to get what he wanted or to stop him putting his own interests first at all times. That's not a love you want in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
saintfrancis Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 As SoleMate said: Start building new dreams that don't include him You WILL get over him, but only if you decide to just do it, no matter how much it hurts. If on the other hand, you decide to wallow in this endless cycle, then no you won't get over him. I have made life plans for myself that don't include my ex-MM, and it really helps me look forward to the future! Link to post Share on other sites
missinhim Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I had to move 2000 miles to "not see him". I tried to go without seeing him and it was totally impossible. I must have made a thousand trips past his house to see if anyone else was there seeing him, etc. It is pure hell. I was totally obsessed with him. I loved being with him. We now call each other. He is being more open with me now - 'I miss you', 'Why don't you come out for a visit', You mean a lot to me, etc. NOW he tells me this stuff. What a tangled web we weave... Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Sorry to hear you have had such a rough time. Originally posted by missinhim: We now call each other. He is being more open with me now - 'I miss you', 'Why don't you come out for a visit', You mean a lot to me, etc. NOW he tells me this stuff. Well I think that has something to do with the fact that you are so far away so he can afford to keep you hanging on without any of the risk of you turning up on his doorstep. He is a user. Please try not contacting him for a while to break the dependence. Give yourself a chance to get over him. Do start a thread if you want some support from others who have been in your position - it helps to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 Dkopp, Wondering how things are progressing for you? Sending you good thoughts... Kkat Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 What a rotten therapist. How a therapist can do something like that I have no clue. Find a good lawyer and collect. And have him lose his license while you're at it. He shouldn't be able to do this to anyone ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dkopp Posted February 27, 2004 Author Share Posted February 27, 2004 Kkat, thanks for asking but yes, I'm still suffering from what this guy did to me. I feel like I'll never be the same happy person that I used to be. It's hard to believe that it was only a little only over a month ago that he was professing his "undying love" for me and now we have no contact. I know if I were to talk to him he would probably say that the no contact was the best thing for helping me get over him, but to be quite honest, I think it is because it suits his purpose more of patching things up with his wife. He has no regard for me - if he did, nothing would have stopped him from contacting me to make sure that I was ok (which I'm not). He'll never even know how badly he's damaged me - I think he just prefers to keep me as his "dirty little secret." How sad. I really feel sorry for his wife. She is the poor chump that is stuck with this guy. There is no doubt he'll do this again. I haven't decided yet how I am going to try to seek justice - it needs to be something that I can live with and be able to wake up and look at myself in the mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 "I haven't decided yet how I am going to try to seek justice - it needs to be something that I can live with and be able to wake up and look at myself in the mirror." Seek justice by getting the advice of a good malpractice attorney. Don't do it for the money...do it to help save a lot of other women who could be his and other therapist's vicitms. This guy needs to be professionally castrated. He was a licensed, trained therapist and he had to well know that proper ethics precluded him from having an affair with a client...whether he was married or not. There is a great deal of case law on this. Just filing a suit and going no further will give you justice. It will let his wife know what he did, it will disrupt his practice, and probably put him out of business...without even going to trial. His insurance would be cancelled as well. In cases like this where there is a proper foundation of evidence, an award of $300,000 to $5 million is not unusual. If you take it to court, get an award and you don't want the money, you can give it to a foundation that promotes professional ethics. I feel you owe it to yourself and to others to do something specific here, given your own feeling stated above that you may "never be the same happy person that I used to be." What he did was the moral equivalent of murder. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 Not sure it's as bad as murder - you are still alive!! If you are unsure about what to do and want to talk it over with someone who has experience of these matters an advocacy organisation will be able to help. Not sure how good this one is but it covers your area I think: http://www.mentalhealth.org/databases/MHDR.asp?D1=KY&Type=MDR Go to the Protection and Advocacy section. You will get over this with help, good luck and let us know if you need support. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 an award of $300,000 to $5 million is not unusual. ... dkopp, if what Tony says is accurate you could work on forgetting him while your personal chef prepares your lunch... .....don't mean to make light of it...but wow...this kind of settlement can ease your pain just a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dkopp Posted February 29, 2004 Author Share Posted February 29, 2004 I completely agree, but my point is, at what expense should I pursue this? Number one, my husband to this point has no knowledge of the affair and it would just kill him. He did not deserve this. Number two, these types of things can often spread like wildfire and I have my reputation to worry about. I have 2 small children that I cannot let suffer from this. There is no doubt that I would be made out to look like a tramp. I am having so many different emotions over this thing - a part of me wants justice. For 6 years, I have been telling him all of the secrets of my life story and if that doesn't make someone the most vulnerable they can be, I don't know what will. He knew my every thought process, my desires, my fears, every aspect that has to do with ANYTHING with my life. He knew that he knew that stuff and proceeded into a relationship with me anyhow. The more time that goes by, the more I begin to realize how badly I was used. Then there's the other part of me that is still raw with hurt and still has feelings for what we shared. It was serious. It wasn't just a sex thing, we were planning our future together. I don't know how to make sense of these conflicting feelings and I just want to make sure I don't do anything that I or anyone in my family could regret. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 at what expense should I pursue this? A very personal decision. Don't be so sure that it would kill your husband. It would cause him great pain, but he may also be able to understand your vulnerability and how this man took advantage of his professional status to worm his way into your head. He may be able to forgive, and your marriage be even stronger. I do feel that it is necessary for your own wellbeing to somehow put a line under this that says, "This was so wrong...I made a mistake, but I was in a very vulnerable position. He is the one at fault, not me." These days many people understand how the power and authority of an unethical doctor, counsellor or priest can trap even a good person into a cheesy situation. Maybe a lawsuit is not the right way. You might want to talk very privately with an out of town lawyer (no names) about what exactly a lawsuit would entail. It's possible you could arrange a private settlement that does not reveal your name publicly. The prosecutor may be very helpful with this, but you would need to talk to an experienced lawyer. There would be no way to avoid your husband knowing, of course. I believe that some kind of legal action may benefit you emotionally. It will be great to hear a court say that he is at fault. But legal proceedings are always painful to some degree. Good luck with whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dkopp Posted March 18, 2004 Author Share Posted March 18, 2004 Hi everyone, just thought I'd drop in for an update. It's been awhile since I've posted - I wish I could report that I'm feeling better. My life is so out of control - it feels like a soap opera. I'm still in so much pain over the loss of my MM. We are still not together - he's back with his wife and has cut off all romantic ties with me. I WANT to forget him, I NEED to forget him because he's a selfish liar but I am having so much difficulty and have fallen into a deep deep depression. I am trying so hard to keep it together for my little girls but my 3 year old is always asking why Mommy's crying. It breaks my heart. I feel like my life has no direction without him. I actually have a lot to be thankful for - I have two incredible healthy little girls, a job I love, a beautiful home - so why am I letting this heartbreak totally devastate me? I try to be strong and not call and I'll do really well for awhile and then have a weak moment and call him or stop by "to get some more resolution and answers". He is always very cordial to me but swears he's never going to betray his wife again. I feel like thats a load of **** and he really just decided that things got too "messy" once she found out and that's why he ended our relationship. He left his home and got an apartment to be with me. He asked me to marry him. In the course of ONE NIGHT when we were found out he completely changed his life plan. I told him how my life has completely been turned upside down by his abandoning me and of course I got the usual sympathy - the "I'm so sorry - I wish there was something I could do to help you" crap. I realize I set myself back every time I make contact but like I said - I feel so out of control. I really want to look at this from an logical point of view instead of an emotional one but it's so hard. I've tried so hard getting on with my life. I'm really involved with my kids, my work, I even took a trip to Mexico but I can't get this guy off of my mind. It's horrible. I still love him and I DON'T WANT TO. It's been 2 months since he broke up with me and I still cry myself to sleep every night and generally feel like I've been kicked in the stomach all day long. I just can't let go of the beautiful times we shared and the promises he made to me. I'm a mess! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 You need to treat this like an addiction. You have to forget him for your own sake and sanity. Every time you see him, talk to him, or even look at his picture, you are giving yourself another 'fix'. Really, the only thing to do is to make yourself let go. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeless Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 A married therapist. Bad choice. Baaaaaaaaaaad choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dkopp Posted March 18, 2004 Author Share Posted March 18, 2004 Yeah, no kidding. What a hard way to learn. Being rejected by the one person who knows the ins and outs of your mind and very core being- no matter how polite they conduct themselves afterwards - feels like violation in its worst form. How a man who sees the effects that extramarital affairs and their endings have on one's self esteem on a continual basis like he does and still do this type of damage is absolutely incomprehensible to me. He just picked up with his wife like our love relationship and I never existed. What was he thinking when he made those promises? And its not like he's some degenerate scumbag off the street - he's a well-respected, well-liked "all around great guy" in this community (in the eyes of most). I now realize that he's not such a nice person. A truly honorable man would not have been able to do this to someone they claimed to have love. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Not only that, but a reputable therapist would not do that to a client. I hope you follow Tony's suggestion and report him. You can bet he'll do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by dkopp Hi everyone, just thought I'd drop in for an update. It's been awhile since I've posted - I wish I could report that I'm feeling better. My life is so out of control - it feels like a soap opera. I'm still in so much pain over the loss of my MM. We are still not together - he's back with his wife and has cut off all romantic ties with me. I WANT to forget him, I NEED to forget him because he's a selfish liar but I am having so much difficulty and have fallen into a deep deep depression. I am trying so hard to keep it together for my little girls but my 3 year old is always asking why Mommy's crying. It breaks my heart. I feel like my life has no direction without him. I actually have a lot to be thankful for - I have two incredible healthy little girls, a job I love, a beautiful home - so why am I letting this heartbreak totally devastate me? I try to be strong and not call and I'll do really well for awhile and then have a weak moment and call him or stop by "to get some more resolution and answers". He is always very cordial to me but swears he's never going to betray his wife again. I feel like thats a load of **** and he really just decided that things got too "messy" once she found out and that's why he ended our relationship. He left his home and got an apartment to be with me. He asked me to marry him. In the course of ONE NIGHT when we were found out he completely changed his life plan. I told him how my life has completely been turned upside down by his abandoning me and of course I got the usual sympathy - the "I'm so sorry - I wish there was something I could do to help you" crap. I realize I set myself back every time I make contact but like I said - I feel so out of control. I really want to look at this from an logical point of view instead of an emotional one but it's so hard. I've tried so hard getting on with my life. I'm really involved with my kids, my work, I even took a trip to Mexico but I can't get this guy off of my mind. It's horrible. I still love him and I DON'T WANT TO. It's been 2 months since he broke up with me and I still cry myself to sleep every night and generally feel like I've been kicked in the stomach all day long. I just can't let go of the beautiful times we shared and the promises he made to me. I'm a mess! Wow.. this is really messed up. First off, do you want to work things out with your husband? Either way you have a responsibility to tell him. Second, this other man, he was going to continue to say whatever you WANTED to hear, because he KNOWS how to muniplate you. When things went beyond his control then he went back to his wife. He was only USING you. What he did was the worst a therapist can do to a patient. His license needs to be revoked. You need to contact the association that he works under. You need to find a FEMALE councilor to help you through this. Why did you cheat on your husband? You haven't explained what has been going on with that. Are you even sure his wife knows about the affair? Don't take his word for ANYTHING. Its upto you if you talk to her. But that isn't going to change anything. This guy has probably been screwing with alot of other patients of his as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 ]And its not like he's some degenerate scumbag off the street - he's a well-respected, well-liked "all around great guy" in this community (in the eyes of most). I now realize that he's not such a nice person. A truly honorable man would not have been able to do this to someone they claimed to have love. hi dkopp, no he is some degenerate scumbag on the street, or in your case, a helping professional in an office on the street.. My dear friend, since this feels like a death, please expect to grieve 6 months to a year. It is my wish for you to feel better way before then, and as others have suggested, no contact is really the key to shaking this. Figure out what you gave to this relationship and why, then give it to yourself. I believe that his rejection of you is fueling your obsession. You have lost nothing with his decision to stay with his delusional wife. You brought love and naivete to this relationship, he brought selfishness and narcissism. He was and is a horrendous helping professional. He is a mind-f*cker and has committed emotional homicide. This man is a toilet. These words mean nothing to you now because you are in pain. But one day you will be free of this and take ownership of the energy you expended keeping the fantasy of this man (?) alive in your heart. That day you will ask yourself...Why the hell did I do that for??.and I'm hoping you'll have the answer. You are welcome to p/m me anytime. Link to post Share on other sites
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