Had an affair with my married therapist. Will I get over it?

[meanon]

jmargel, I don't think dkopp is married. It's the therapist who is married.

 

I am having so much difficulty and have fallen into a deep deep depression. I am trying so hard to keep it together for my little girls but my 3 year old is always asking why Mommy's crying. It breaks my heart

 

dkopp, I feel for you. I know what it's like to care for young kids when you are very upset. It's been 2 months now, have you seen your doctor? If you are clinically depressed you may need a brief spell of meds to get well. Please do seek some help, don't continue to suffer alone like this.

 

I realize I set myself back every time I make contact but like I said - I feel so out of control

 

You will continue to feel out of control while you are in touch with him. The answers he gives you do not satisfy, do they? So why ask them? You need to determine yourself what has happened and then try and put it behind you. Is it likely he believed everything he said to you when it all changed in one night? Well it was either a form a tempoorary insanity from which he awoke abruptly or he was using you. Try and reslove this matter in your own mind and then stop torturing yourself.

 

This man has done you serious damage dkopp, please take action to make sure he does not continue to be a threat to your peace of mind. See your doctor and then post again, many find talking on LS helps them resolve these issues. Or talk to a friend. You will feel better in time.

 

Good luck dkopp, our thoughts are with you

[kkat]

Dear DKopp-

 

I'm sorry to hear you are doing so badly. It's ironic that both of us took trips to Mexico -- too bad we didn't connect.

 

I am continuing to have a hard time as well, and unfortunately I think the worst of it is yet to come for me - by far (will not go into the details here as to why). However, I have come to realize that I can do some things, little things, step by step, to help myself.

 

I am in therapy.

 

I have tried meds for the depression but I can't tolerate them, so I am now on some homeopathic options for that. My depression was actually worse before the MM saga, so its not completely relevant. I am also using yoga and lots of exercise anytime, anywhere I can get it to ward off the depression and give me a sense of power and control, which is something we lose when in these relationships.

 

I also bought several books via amazon.com including a workbook for OW. They are so, so helpful. I am also reading books titled (not kidding) "Don't Call That Man" and "How to break your Addiction to a Person". That last one includes a chapter on addiction to a MM. Both of them, especially the last one, are super helpful in recognizing and therefore treating the addictive parts of the relationship. I also, every time my MM asks me out for a dinner to talk, to try to fix things, to go to a romantic place, to be together - anything....I play the opera through in my head and really, honestly remember how CRAPPY I always felt when I was with him or after he left. I am addicted, I am in love with him, I miss him - but I know that I will be better off when I am totally free. And I am dreaming of that day, not the day I walk down some aisle of hell with him....

 

Just try to hang in there, address the depression, and address the addictive behaviors - without judging yourself. You really have been treated horribly by this toad of a man - and you deserve to recover and heal.

[dkopp]

Thanks everyone for being so supportive. It really helps a lot. I read your replies over and over again it has somehow given me strength. This is definitely the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I have been seeing my therapist twice a week and have been put on meds - has helped a little but I guess this stuff just takes time.

 

I'm still hurting terribly, but I am starting to see this guy for the opportunist that he is. I have lost all respect for him and that in itself is a lot to deal with as in addition to being in love with him, I had put him on a pedestal for years and truly admired his intelligence, character, insight and skill. To find out those endearing qualities were used against me is part of the devastation.

 

Jmargel and Meanon, if you read through my other thread, yes, I am still married. I have been married for 10 years to the father of my two small children. I am not proud of having done this. We have had problems for a long time and we actually saw this guy for therapy several years together. How sick is that? We came very close to divorcing a few months ago and he just thinks I'm going through some type of depression now. He is a good man and I do love him, but there are other problems that I don't know that we can overcome. He asked me to try and I have agreed. I have agreed to try for 6 months to a year to see if there is anything left. It's hard because I really don't feel anything. This poor guy deserves someone who can truly love him and only him.

 

I doubt I will hear from the MM again. My parents found out about the affair and my dad actually called him and threatened him if he ever contacted me again. I found this out the last time I made contact almost 2 weeks ago. I KNOW this is for the best - I just wish it didn't hurt so bad. I don't have all of the answers yet. That's part of why I haven't taken any action yet. If I get retribution, I need to make sure I do it for the right reasons. Possible motives could be:

*making him pay for revenge & just to be nasty and spiteful for "payback"

*making sure he does not do this to anyone else

*making myself feel like I'm in a more powerful and less vulnerable position

*trying to alleviate my hurt of losing him

*trying to alleviate my hurt of being rejected

 

Does this make sense? For some reason it is very important to me to know the reasons why I would be seeking retribution before I do it.

 

Part of me feels that retribution would be therapeutic and another part thinks that it is just one more thing that is keeping me emotionally tied to him (even if in a negative sense, it is still a connection). I just want to move on and start living again.

[moimeme]

It's not about retribution. It's about stopping a professional from victimizing anybody else. The next patient may commit suicide when he dumps her.

[meanon]

It's hard because I really don't feel anything. This poor guy deserves someone who can truly love him and only him.

 

Most people find it hard to love two people at once, give yourself the time you need to recover.

 

For some reason it is very important to me to know the reasons why I would be seeking retribution before I do it.

 

That makes perfect sense. How will you be able to achieve what you want if you are not certain what it is? Talk to your therapist about it or, if they are reluctant, an advocacy organisation. You need to know exactly what's involved before you embark on this course of action, to make sure you can follow through with it. Critically, you need a realistic assessment of your chances of success. Seeking this information may well help you come to a decision and give you some of that sense of control you need.

 

All the best