how to commit to marriage/long term relationship?

[popcicle girl]

hey there everybody, i have a question that i don't know if it can be answered but here goes anyway.

i am engaged for over a year now and my fiancee says this is the year we are GOING to get married.

by the end of this year he wants me to be his wife!

i am scared to death of this!

 

i have been married before but that has nothing to do with the growing gnawing fear in my stomach when

i think of this as being forever.

how does one commit to FOREVER?

 

the concept of it just amazes me! yes i love him very very much and i know there SHOUJLD be no doubts

but the doubts do not lye within my love for him but within the concept of forever!!!

 

does that make sense to anyone? sometimes i think about something just being a week away like a concert or something that,

and that seems like an eternity to me, or his birthday coming up in march and the surprise i have planned for him i know he will love!

 

those times seem so far away let alone a life time with someone!

when we fight once in a while i wonder how on earth can i spend a life time with this guy but then of course we make up and i wonder

how can i spend a life time WITHOUT this guy?

 

do you see the delima that i am in? not really in but the questions that i go through in my mind?

any advice from long married people on here?

[popcicle girl]

what was i thinking anyway!? i came to a love relationship board for advice on a long term commitment problem when this board is mainly for people with problems with long term relationships or relationships in general. what was i thinking anyway? where could one go and receive no replies about a relationship but somone who is feeling "lazy" can get 8 replies?! how ironic is that for a relationship board, lol!

[midori]

Originally posted by popcicle girl

what was i thinking anyway!? i came to a love relationship board for advice on a long term commitment problem when this board is mainly for people with problems with long term relationships or relationships in general. what was i thinking anyway? where could one go and receive no replies about a relationship but somone who is feeling "lazy" can get 8 replies?! how ironic is that for a relationship board, lol!

 

For starters you might try cultivating some patience. It's a generally useful quality.

 

You've asked a very broad, rather vague question. And you've asked it on a long weekend, when people might not be online as they usually are.

 

Since you've asked for responses from long-married people, I won't try to answer your query. Sit tight, and be polite, and you might get some replies.

[fallenangel]

Originally posted by popcicle girl

what was i thinking anyway!? i came to a love relationship board for advice on a long term commitment problem when this board is mainly for people with problems with long term relationships or relationships in general. what was i thinking anyway? where could one go and receive no replies about a relationship but somone who is feeling "lazy" can get 8 replies?! how ironic is that for a relationship board, lol!

 

How ironic? How rude! I guess you're arrogantly implying that your post here is more important than someone else's (the "lazy" post). Perhaps if you *expect* immediate responses to your queries, you should buck up and pay to speak with a therapist or counsellor, versus turning to a free relationship message board where people have the choice and freedom to pick and choose which posts they find interesting, which posts they feel they have something to contribute, which posts they feel they can offer advice to, which posts they can actually relate to. Have you temper tantrum elsewhere.

[meanon]

I've only been married for 6 years but have been with my husband for 17. I know what you mean about getting cold feet at the mention of forever. I read your post earlier and did not respond because, to be honest, I think it's a realistic fear and I wasn't sure that's what you needed to hear. I didn't feel this way when I got married but when I bought my house I can remember feeling sick to my stomach every time the lawyer said 25 years and selling a house is hell of a lot easier than getting a divorce.

 

The fact is that expecting a marriage to last a life time and remain a happy one is optimistic now-a-days for many reasons. But it happens, there are examples here on this site. I am as happy as when we first met, but the relationship has transformed many times and we have adapted to get the best out of it. Certainly my expectations have changed. I think the ability to sustain close relationships outside the marriage so that you are not entirely dependent on it for fulfillment of your emotional needs is also a factor in longevity.

 

The bottom line is that you and your partner will change and who knows how compatible you will be in the future? But that's life. what is the alternative? Never allowing yourself to commit fully to a relationship for fear of later loss? Never starting a family because you may not be able to keep it together. Be cautious, yes, but don't let your life be ruled by fear of the unknown. Make informed choices then hope for the best and jump right in - that's my approach anyway. It wouldn't work for all.

 

Having said all this, I wouldn't get married in your current frame of mind (gnawing fear will not make for a happy wedding day). I think you need to continue to explore your feelings to try and ascertain why you are so reluctant and to do that we would need to know a lot more about your relationship and your attitude to risk taking/life in general. SDo you have friends you can talk to about this? Even if this marriage is not for you, you cannot isolate yourself from risk and doubt forever. Life will still happen to you - better to be a willing participant.

[jester]

There are no guarantees in this world. Your love can be perfect, now, but 5, 10, 15, 20 years later, it can be gone.

 

Marriage is a calculated risk. People will exhort you to always communicate, communicate and communicate with your spouse , to work, work and work on your marriage (marriage as salt mine metaphor) and to close your eyes and heart to any and all temptations out there. If you do all three, your marriage may last a lifetime, which is no small feat given today's greater life expectancies.

 

What often happens to marriages after 15-20 years is that the passion and the partnership diverge. Your spouse remains your partner, but is no longer your lover. That happens to many, not all, marriages. And if I knew why this divorce between passion and partnership occurs in some marriages, and not others, I'd be a wise and very rich man. Alas, I'm neither.

 

Good luck.

[Thinkalot]

Firstly, don't fuss about not getting replies. Sometimes it takes time.

 

I read your post and could relate to it, but was not too sure what I could contribute, so I decided to to wait before saying anything.

 

Frankly, I sometimes fear the idea of marriage too, I think it's natural. It's a big committment. But I love my guy, and we've already survived trials and tests, and we are committed. It's time to take the leap of faith and move forward. I also feel VERY excited and happy about that prospect. Fear is just a small part for me.

 

meanon has some excellent points, as does Jester.( And by the way, thank you both, because your words actually also help me, and I will keep them in mind, next time I feel any fears and start thinking too much! lol!)

 

Talk to a counsellor perhaps to help you sort through your emotions.

[Darkangelism]

There wasnt even 12 hrs between your posts, and as for marriage nothing is for certain, take the risk.