Needy control freak mom, need to break away

[mohdhm]

Hey everyone, it sucks starting the first post like this, but i bet this is how most of us find the forums. Now it is going to be heard to break this down to be coherent so please bear with me. Also, this will get emotionally heavy so you may want to avoid reading the rant section.

 

A little about myself: i'm a 22 year old male who still has 2-3 years until he is done college. I want to live away from home during the summer. I can afford it for a year without a job, but my parents are too needy/lonely. I'll tell you about my mom first, since my dad just hides he feelings about the matter.

 

I want to move to college 15 days earlier than the start date so i can get settled down and ready to go. but no, she wants me to leave sept 1st, only 5 days before it starts. She argues, why spend money on food and rent when you can get it here for free. She does not understand the pressure i'm under as an engineering student, i want everything to go right, every little bit counts. It just pisses me off because it seems that i don't have the freedom of spending MY OWN MONEY, and for only 10 extra days, how CHEAP can you get! She argues that i don't need more debt, while i have over 7k saved to supplement my student loan and still have enough left over for the summer (without work, so when i find a job, it would be great!)

 

In the past we talked about working away from home in the summer, she said that as long as i found a job in my college's city, then i can work there. This ofcourse, does not apply to the beautiful city of vancouver where they live. So i'm in a way, "forced" to work away from home just to get away from home.

 

I brought this up today, i told her i'm probably going to find a job in the summer and not to expect me back, she starts her manipulative guilt tripping process, so you don't want to see your father and i this summer? (father is working overseas). Why do you hate us? God will not make you successful.

 

I had a professor offer me a job there this summer but she is really good at putting a lot of self-doubt in someone. Also, I've lost $300 on a rental deposit because she didn't want me to leave on august 1st, if i chose to leave anyways there would have been an explosion of emotions and tears, and claims about how i hate "them" (Which is true only for her)

 

I'm really getting sick of her manipulation, it is like i'm the center of their attention because they HAVE NO SOCIAL LIFE@!!! I really hate my own damn name. They have no friends, and the few that they do have, are bad or they complain about. I get the feeling they don't like anyone. I plan on moving back to vancouver without telling them, why must my life at home be so dysfunctional that i'd have to keep big secrets like that.

 

I used to think that when i'd get my kick ass degree i can live and do whatever i want. I really don't think that is the case. It is like they expect me to stay in the nest till i get married. I don't feel like i'm growing here, as an individual, it is more like my growth is stunted. My long term goal is separate with them without conflict, and i don't like them but the occasional lame phone call about the weather would be ok. Why is something that is so easy, so ridiculously hard? It is because my parents are strict control freaks, but the worst part is that they are NEEDY/lonely.

 

 

RANT: Feel free to skip, or read for additional background info

Note:i respect my dad even though he tends to go on psychotic rages once in a blue moon (like being nicotine deprived).

 

 

She is manipulative, when ever i'm on good terms with someone she tries to turn them against me. My father at one point was on good terms with me, until she kept spreading her poisonous thoughts of how we the kids will cut all ties with them as we grow older, and how we don't care for them, and how we won't keep them in our prayers (the latter is now true, thanks to her). She is presently trying to severe my relationship with my favorite aunt, saying that i'm not praying and putting the spin on things my aunt is saying or harshly judging her actions. It was no secret that i loved my aunt DEARLY, ever since i was young, i made the foolish mistake of declaring that i love her more than mom back when i was under 10 years old. My aunt has always defended my from them, and always, always had my back, and accepts me for who i am, to this day, she still supports me 100%. God Bless her. Before i leave this, let me mention that she uses religion to a significant extent to control us, she says things like "if your mother is not happy for you then you will not succeed in life." She just pulls out the religion card every single time. It pisses me and it turned me away from that faith for the longest time. I'm still undecided. How can God decide my fate based on what a psycopath thinks.

 

Sorry lets head on back to my mom, just today she called for a family meeting to discuss what i was planning to do as college is nearing, apparently she told my brother to "reason" (another word for manipulate) me into doing a couple of things.I'm not sure what she conspired with him, but I heard her lash back at him calling him an idiot and worthless for not going through with it. My brother and I have a very solid relationship, you can even say that our shared plight brings us even closer, I love that guy.

 

Also, another thing i find annoying is that she does not find me responsible. I have my full license but back in my teen years and even now, i'm not given access to the car because i don't have enough practice lol. I'm actually glad since i don't have to do her errands for her. My mom owns a driving school and i still remember her spazzing out on me during lessons, she makes life so painful to endure. I bet she didn't treat her other students that way. All for the sake of image. Also she keeps saying "how will you find a place, people will kick you out for leaving a half eaten tuna sandwich in your room." "people will kick you out for <fill in the blank>." "I don't know how you will live." Regarding the latter quote, I've lived just find and got along with all of my roomates just FINE. How nice of you to imagine that i'm unable to stand on my own two feet and that i need your support for every little trivial thing.

 

And here is some indication of how controlling she is. Today i was playing a video game. I played 1 game online which lasted for 30 minutes. She spazzed, and cryed... no cried is not the right word, More like started loudly wailing, like some baby that cries for attention, pathetic coming from a grownup. Then she claims that i play "all the time" and "every day"... because she considers being on the computer looking for places to rent for college playing games. computer = games , by her logic.

 

Lastly, i want to state my feelings about her. I hate, despise, and resent her. It is not possible for me to respect her, i respect certain qualities and she has none of them. She is a poison that inhibits a human's growth, she used to yell at me in the streets infront of random strangers when i was a teen as an example, thankfully i can't remember so much. To show you how much i hate her, i'll give you an example. I hated her to so much, that in highschool i decided that i must leave for college and never return, my grades skyrocketed by around 30%... this is also to prove her wrong when she said : you will not graduate high school. What kind of mother uses negative comments like that on a fragile child. I was a shy introverted kid, and it doesn't help when she tells me: " you are the reason for all the problems your father and i had since marriage." She crushed me so badly that i didn't have many friends during highschool. I don't blame the kids, why would they want to hang out with some dark cloud.

 

Luckily that all changed in college, i'm now a chill, calm, composed individual and i was told that i don't show any stress. Well how can I when a rough heavy engineering courseload is paradise compared to living at home. The only thing that can shake off my composure is her.

 

[BlackLovely]

Are you sure that you're not my long lost brother? Your mother sounds just like mine, especially the meddling and manipulation. Mommy Dearest also enjoys turning people against me, especially romantic partners.

 

Run, don't walk away from your family. They sound like psychic vampires. You will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

[mohdhm]

Are you sure that you're not my long lost brother? Your mother sounds just like mine, especially the meddling and manipulation. Mommy Dearest also enjoys turning people against me, especially romantic partners.

 

Run, don't walk away from your family. They sound like psychic vampires. You will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

 

 

Thanks for the support dear sister, though i cannot completely run yet as i will be going to school and that is 3 hours from home. that weight is about to be lifted, and permanently this time.

 

Even romantic partners, that sucks. I've always been self-conscious about that actually, I've never invited friends over here, let alone girlfriends. I don't want her to be there (living, or present during the marriage) when i'm married but i'm worried about what my wouldbe in-laws would think about a person that doesn't get along with his "family" (mom + dad only), even though i get along with everyone just great. There are people who judge others by their family relationship, i know a good number of guys that do it to women.

 

Also, i don't want her giving my inlaws any trouble, period. I go into people's lives with the intention of making it better, not worse.

 

 

 

11 more days.

[Shannyn]

That really sucks. I'm sorry that your parents are like that. You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders though. I hope you're able to get a job and finish your heavy course load. I don't think she'll ever understand what she's doing is wrong, so good luck on any future endeavors. Once you get a job as an engineer you'll be much safer from them.

[BlackLovely]

Thanks for the support dear sister, though i cannot completely run yet as i will be going to school and that is 3 hours from home. that weight is about to be lifted, and permanently this time.

 

Even romantic partners, that sucks. I've always been self-conscious about that actually, I've never invited friends over here, let alone girlfriends. I don't want her to be there (living, or present during the marriage) when i'm married but i'm worried about what my wouldbe in-laws would think about a person that doesn't get along with his "family" (mom + dad only), even though i get along with everyone just great. There are people who judge others by their family relationship, i know a good number of guys that do it to women.

 

Also, i don't want her giving my inlaws any trouble, period. I go into people's lives with the intention of making it better, not worse.

 

 

 

11 more days.

 

People judge others on family relationships, because of the belief that parents should be honored, even if they are out of line.

 

All we can do is either find ways to deal with difficult parents, or distance ourselves. Bless you for wanting to improve other's lives.

 

Keep your eye on the prize sweetheart. Congratulations on trying to get an education.

[Dooda]

Hold on for what should be 5 more days.

Your mom sounds exactly like mine. You and your brother seem to be very level headed in dealing with this.

Just keep on being level headed and understanding that she makes no sense at all, and you will get there.

At least you're getting a degree, and you know what you want to do. Moms like these can mess kids up so bad that they don't even want to achieve anything.

 

My mom would say stuff like : "you're going to be a hot dog seller" or "you're a piece of garbage", let alone the insults like : "you're filth" "it was a dark day you were born" etc... There's still a part of me that sees her as right, and that is unable to see that as completely ridiculous.

 

You sound like a very good person, and you should not let your mom impede you in any way in your life goals or who you want to be as a person.

 

And, about religion. Children have to honor their parents. But, as a parent, they have obligations towards that child, and if they are not fulfilling those obligations or are oppressing the child then they will be accountable for their sins. Don't let your mom control your life, and don't let her control what you believe in because there is this 'taboo' of respecting your parents, yet people really know too little about it.

What religion are you?

[D-Lish]

Trust me when I tell you it's in your best interest to set the precedence and stand up for yourself NOW! Cut that cord.

 

My ex H is 35 and still a slave to his mother's guilt tripping- he can't break free of it. He was so miserable and depressed throughout our dating/marriage because of her antics- he's ruined for life.

 

You have a chance to break free- so capitalize on it. If you have your own money- just arrange to go when you want to go.

 

Setting boundaries with your parents is really important- and the earlier you can break free of the negative enmeshment the better.

[mohdhm]

Dooda: Supposed to be islamic, but i do not practice it and i know very little as my memory is fuzzy. Also nice to have the only example of muslim people around you to be nuts, really helps in putting a dent in things. And you are absolutely right.

 

Thanks for the support everyone. I actually left midnight on the day that i made my previous post. Things got really explosive then, and i haven't made contact with them since and don't intend to. There have been no regrets, though the whole situation gets me down more often than i expected it to, it is a really strange feeling to just cut off all the shackles just like that.

 

So far things have been working out great. I found a great new place close to everything while being very cheap in rent. I have great roommates and a great landlord as well. My aunt texts me every day, although i was prepared to do this alone, it is nice to have someone older by your back. My other aunt is also supportive and stands behind my back as well.

 

My only other sibling, my brother, is enduring her at the moment. I've talked to him about his situation and he says he does not plan to come back after his first year in university. Though he's problem is that he needs them to co-sign the student loan application so he can get it (until he is 21). i'm worried that he will get homesick and miss his friends and that beautiful city like i once did, and succumb. I try my best to constantly remind him not to come back, and only to do so if he has the money to stay in another place. I'll keep a watch over him, and ultimately he will be alright.

 

Thanks everyone for the kind words and heartwarming support.

[denise_xo]

My mother is really unstable, too, and as a protection measure I regulate contact to a minimum. For a couple of years we didn't speak at all, and I also kept a 'healthy distance' to my father when he was around. There's this novel by a Zimbabwean author (have forgotten the name right now) where the main protagonist of the book (a young woman) starts off one of the chapters by saying something along the lines of 'the day I realised my father was insane was such a relief, because it meant I didn't have to take him seriously anymore'. I read that sentence and instantly identified with that experience. Unfortunately, some people realise too late.

 

You just have to be pragmatic and do the 'people management' that keeps you intact and sane. Sounds like it's shaping up fairly well for you!

[wishing4thefuture]

Yoga class will set you free!