fck, this really hurts

[shadowplay]

My ex and I had been low contact since we broke up 4.5 months ago, but we were trying to stay freinds. In the last two weeks we hadn't seen each other as much, but yesterday we did go on a brief hike. He always promised me that he wouldn't suddenly cut off contact with me, especially without talking to me about it first. He knows that I have huge abandonment issues, so if somebody cuts me off suddenly without explanation or anything it hurts like hell. And especially because the way he betrayed and abandoned me when he dumped me was so sudden. In fact, yesterday when we saw each other we talked about this briefly and he promised me that he wouldn't.

 

Then today I get this text from him:

"Hi Shadow im not seeing you anymore or being in contact with you. Do not contact me."

 

I know it's probably best for me to not stay in contact with him, but it still hurts like hell that he would do this to me after he promised me so many times if he ever wanted to cut off contact he'd tell me in person and talk about it first. I was feeling especially low today, having some really awful thoughts, and then I get this text.

Edited August 15, 2010 by shadowplay

[Jilly Bean]

Shadow - I hate to hit you when you're down, but you kinda brought this upon yourself, and everyone warned you of just this.

 

He dumped you cold out of the blue romantically, and now he's done it again with a friendship.

 

This needs to get filed in the "first time, shame on you, second time, shame on me" category.

 

You knew this guy was capable of this, yet for some reason I'll never get, you forced him into maintaining contact, even when he didn't want it. In a lot of ways, it's like you asked to be abused and rejected a second time, since he was fine to walk out of your life, and tried to do so a few times, months ago.

 

When it's over, it's over. You don't cling to the thought of a "friendship" with someone who has disrespected and hurt you.

 

All you did was set yourself up for him to do this again, and that he did.

 

I really hope you can maintain the NC he has asked for a second time, and not try to manipulate this into meeting to talk/clear the air/have closure/stay friends, etc.

 

Let it go this time. For GOOD.

[shadowplay]

Shadow - I hate to hit you when you're down, but you kinda brought this upon yourself, and everyone warned you of just this.

 

He dumped you cold out of the blue romantically, and now he's done it again with a friendship.

 

This needs to get filed in the "first time, shame on you, second time, shame on me" category.

 

You knew this guy was capable of this, yet for some reason I'll never get, you forced him into maintaining contact, even when he didn't want it. In a lot of ways, it's like you asked to be abused and rejected a second time, since he was fine to walk out of your life, and tried to do so a few times, months ago.

 

When it's over, it's over. You don't cling to the thought of a "friendship" with someone who has disrespected and hurt you.

 

All you did was set yourself up for him to do this again, and that he did.

 

I really hope you can maintain the NC he has asked for a second time, and not try to manipulate this into meeting to talk/clear the air/have closure/stay friends, etc.

 

Let it go this time. For GOOD.

 

The thing is he did want to have contact with me. He was the initiator at least half the time when we saw each other, and kept saying he wanted to be friends.

 

I agree with you otherwise, though.

Edited August 15, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I think part of the problem is I have this bad tendency to trust blindly, even when somebody has already hurt me several times. Somehow I always believe them when they say they won't do it again. Perhaps it's that I desperately want to believe them. This happened with my ex ex.

[Hot Carl]

Lesson #1: You're strong. This pain is not different from pain you felt before, and you'll overcome it and heal just like you did before.

 

Lesson #2: Any contact with an ex is a bad idea. You wouldn't be facing another round of overcoming and healing if you had determined to have no contact with him in the first place.

 

You have to learn these lessons somehow. Maybe this is your chance to take them to heart once and for all.

[shadowplay]

Lesson #1: You're strong. This pain is not different from pain you felt before, and you'll overcome it and heal just like you did before.

 

Lesson #2: Any contact with an ex is a bad idea. You wouldn't be facing another round of overcoming and healing if you had determined to have no contact with him in the first place.

 

You have to learn these lessons somehow. Maybe this is your chance to take them to heart once and for all.

 

Thanks, I needed that.

 

Yeah, this time it really hurts, but I think it does a bit less than I thought it would. Maybe it's that he's finally proven to me once and for all that he's a crap person, so it will be easier for me to move on without looking back (or so I'd hope). Still, it's really painful that he'd hurt me and break my trust again, but I guess it's expected.

[lullaby]

Thanks, I needed that.

 

Yeah, this time it really hurts, but I think it does a bit less than I thought it would. Maybe it's that he's finally proven to me once and for all that he's a crap person, so it will be easier for me to move on without looking back (or so I'd hope). Still, it's really painful that he'd hurt me and break my trust again, but I guess it's expected.

 

Hi Shadow. I'm sorry you're hurting like this but you've already been through the worst so you'll recover again. I'm there too. He didn't text something like that but I can't keep having LC with him because it doesn't do me good right now. Sometimes we have to suck it and see it for ourselves.

 

We can't have contact with our exes unless we are really over them, otherwise, we're just feeding our hopes even if we don't believe such is the case.

 

Keep strong!

[Simon Attwood]

Shadow, Shadow, Shadow ... still acting out your own death, knowing no more

 

the assassins are all in your head

[shadowplay]

I think what makes this more painful than anything is that it came in a text message. Talk about sh4tty.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, Shadow, Shadow ... still acting out your own death, knowing no more

 

the assassins are all in your head

 

Nice reference. Point taken.

[Hot Carl]

I think what makes this more painful than anything is that it came in a text message. Talk about sh4tty.

 

What does the fact that he did it via text mean to you?

[shadowplay]

What does the fact that he did it via text mean to you?

 

That he doesn't give a fck about my feelings.

[Hot Carl]

That he doesn't give a fck about my feelings.

 

Why do you need him to care about your feelings? Are there any other people who are relevant to your present and future who care about your feelings?

[shadowplay]

He just changed his number. WTF. What is he going to do, put a restraining order on me next? What a bastard.

[Simon Attwood]

I think what makes this more painful than anything is that it came in a text message. Talk about sh4tty.

 

 

did I ever tell you the story of how my wife, before she was my wife, sent me a text message telling me she could never see me again?

 

she didn't quite get her way

[shadowplay]

Fck, now I really feel like I'm going to throw up.

[Hot Carl]

Go for a walk or a hike or something. Don't just sit around and think about this. Get outside and go to the park and play with some guy's puppy.

[shadowplay]

Go for a walk or a hike or something. Don't just sit around and think about this. Get outside and go to the park and play with some guy's puppy.

 

Thanks for the suggestion, but I don't think I can do that right now. My hands are literally shaking.

 

It was bad enough that he texted me to tell me he's breaking contact. Now he's changed his number. I can't believe he would do that. Two nights ago he came to my place and gave me a gift for my birthday. He knows how much this hurts me, and he has to change his freakin' number as if to twist the knife in?

 

I feel like I'm reliving the whole breakup. He's doing the same thing. Not just cutting contact suddenly, but doing it in the worst way possible with no regard for my feelings.

[Hot Carl]

So you're going to just sit around and stew in this misery?? You always make the worst possible decision when it comes to recovering from this stuff, Shadow. If I was anywhere near you, I'd get you and drag you out of your house. Just go be somewhere where there are people. Your hands will stop shaking as soon as you get moving.

[shadowplay]

So you're going to just sit around and stew in this misery?? You always make the worst possible decision when it comes to recovering from this stuff, Shadow. If I was anywhere near you, I'd get you and drag you out of your house. Just go be somewhere where there are people. Your hands will stop shaking as soon as you get moving.

 

Actually, my parents are in town so I'll be having lunch with them at a restaurant in less than an hour. Right now, I'm just trying to clean up my place and do my dishes.

[carhill]

"Hi Shadow im not seeing you anymore or being in contact with you. Do not contact me."

 

This is who he is. It's really good information. Acceptance is the healthiest path. Enjoy your lunch

[shadowplay]

This is who he is. It's really good information.

 

What do you mean?

[WintersNightTraveler]

What do you mean?

 

That it tells you a lot about him and the relationship between the two of you that promises spoken, selective memories, etc don't tell you,

 

Well, at least that's how I took it. Carhill can correct me if I'm wrong.

 

When someone continually dissapoints in this deep, cutting way, the worst thing you can do is keep trying to figure out the dissapointment. You have to find a different way to look at it.

[carhill]

He always promised me that he wouldn't suddenly cut off contact with me, especially without talking to me about it first

 

Then today I get this text from him:

"Hi Shadow im not seeing you anymore or being in contact with you. Do not contact me."

 

This is WHO he is. Accept it.

[shadowplay]

This is WHO he is. Accept it.

 

Yes.

 

I just had a thought that felt really liberating. It's that I don't have to care. I think it was spurred on by HotCarl's comment that I tend to deal with these things in the worst way possible. It occurred to me that when somebody hurts me I almost feel an obligation to care a lot, obsess/mull over it, try to damage control. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe it's some desperate need to control something I can't, or it's related to me being sort of OCD. Or it's a fear that if I don't get over the worrying about it now, it will pop up later. It's like I have this anxiety about not caring, about just letting it go, as if something bad will happen if it don't.

 

But I just realized that I could take a totally different path and not care, not expend any extra mental energy on this. If the pain comes up, OK, but there's no point in making a huge deal out of this. I can just go about my life as if nothing happened. He's weak, selfish and untrustworthy, and not worthy of any worry. I have plenty of damning evidence on him to never look back with regret.

 

Now I just have to figure out what to do with the "Blade Runner" dvd and Neil Young cd he gave me a couple of days ago. Trash or give away?

Edited August 15, 2010 by shadowplay