fck, this really hurts

[carhill]

Further, accept the pain and the hurt. This is a loss of who you were and are when you loved him. It's not inconsequential. It's a death. Like all deaths, hurt is a part of the mourning process. It comes from many areas, all focusing on one point in time. Denying it is denying yourself. Accept it, embrace it, *feel* it. Then, like the flowers you lay on a headstone, let it go and walk away.

 

Hope I did OK on the imagery. It's Sunday.

[WintersNightTraveler]

Now I just have to figure out what to do with the "Blade Runner" dvd

 

Director's cut or theatrical cut?

[TaraMaiden]

I think part of the problem is I have this bad tendency to trust blindly, .... Perhaps it's that I desperately want to believe them. This happened with my ex ex.

 

lather, rinse repeat... this isn't blind trust. This is Desperate Hope.

The desperate hope that this time it will be different. Desperate Hope as in pounding your head against a rockface, and being convinced that if you keep doing this, the pain will stop and the bleeding cease.....

 

You're in a repeating pattern....

 

He just changed his number. WTF. What is he going to do, put a restraining order on me next? What a bastard.

 

Ok, nobody else notice this?

No?

 

Ok....

HOW WOULD SHE KNOW HE'S CHANGED HIS NUMBER?

 

The only way she would know, is if she went against everything everyone is telling her - including him - and has tried to CONTACT HIM YET AGAIN!!

 

yes, in answer to your question, the restraining order might very well be next.....

[shadowplay]

lather, rinse repeat... this isn't blind trust. This is Desperate Hope.

The desperate hope that this time it will be different. Desperate Hope as in pounding your head against a rockface, and being convinced that if you keep doing this, the pain will stop and the bleeding cease.....

 

You're in a repeating pattern....

 

 

 

Ok, nobody else notice this?

No?

 

Ok....

HOW WOULD SHE KNOW HE'S CHANGED HIS NUMBER?

 

The only way she would know, is if she went against everything everyone is telling her - including him - and has tried to CONTACT HIM YET AGAIN!!

 

yes, in answer to your question, the restraining order might very well be next.....

 

Yeah, I tried to call him once after he sent the text. Sue me. I don't think that was so bizarre given that we'd been in frequent contact for months and this came out of the blue.

 

And thanks for implying I have a restraining order coming...

 

Geez, you're being pretty nasty.

[shadowplay]

Director's cut or theatrical cut?

 

It's a two disc special edition containing the director's cut and a documentary on the making of.

[shadowplay]

I can get 20 helpful, insightful comments and the one randomly nasty one leaves a deeper impression. That's what I sometimes don't like about LS.

[TaraMaiden]

No, but don't you see it??

He texts you and asks you to not contact him any more.

Yes, I agree with you, it was a low and insensitive thing to do - but he asked you to NOT contact him!

 

So what do you immediately do - ?

You contact him!

 

You think that's going to make things any better?

Look, everyone here, bless them, has given you sound advice, a shoulder to lean on, and really great support.....

But the one thing nobody can ever do, is to follow through for you.

It sucks, I know, but eventually, the hard graft, the tough work - has to come from you.

And simply because he always initiated contact before, gives no reason for you to lose your integrity and dignity, and go totally against his request.

He changed his number because he knew you would do this.

He changed his number to stop you doing this.

Something everyone has also been trying to help you with.

I never meant to cause offence, but really, you have to open your eyes to see what damage this is doing to you.....

 

It's going to be the hardest thing you ever do - but put this down, and keep going on.

I wish you well, truly I do.

I'm not a nasty person, and I really mean it when I say I want things to heal for you.

But the way things are at present, the worst enemy you have right now, is yourself.

And you don't deserve to do this to yourself.

[WintersNightTraveler]

It's a two disc special edition containing the director's cut and a documentary on the making of.

 

That's a keeper. Theatrical cut would have made a good frisbee or some kind of symbolic throwaway gesture. Director's cut is an A+ movie.

[spriggig]

Director's cut or theatrical cut?

Heh heh. My first thought too. Also, no love for Neil Young?

It's a two disc special edition containing the director's cut and a documentary on the making of.

Meh, it's only worth about $8 plus shipping on Ebay. Prolly ought to just keep it. It IS Blade Runner after all.

[shadowplay]

No, but don't you see it??

He texts you and asks you to not contact him any more.

Yes, I agree with you, it was a low and insensitive thing to do - but he asked you to NOT contact him!

 

So what do you immediately do - ?

You contact him!

 

You think that's going to make things any better?

Look, everyone here, bless them, has given you sound advice, a shoulder to lean on, and really great support.....

But the one thing nobody can ever do, is to follow through for you.

It sucks, I know, but eventually, the hard graft, the tough work - has to come from you.

And simply because he always initiated contact before, gives no reason for you to lose your integrity and dignity, and go totally against his request.

He changed his number because he knew you would do this.

He changed his number to stop you doing this.

Something everyone has also been trying to help you with.

I never meant to cause offence, but really, you have to open your eyes to see what damage this is doing to you.....

 

It's going to be the hardest thing you ever do - but put this down, and keep going on.

I wish you well, truly I do.

I'm not a nasty person, and I really mean it when I say I want things to heal for you.

But the way things are at present, the worst enemy you have right now, is yourself.

And you don't deserve to do this to yourself.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think there's any justification for him changing his number, and you're not about to convince me there is. I've never done anything to him that could be considered harassing. As I said, he's initiated contact with me more often than not. Changing his number is extreme and insulting. Yeah, he changed his number because he thought I might contact him...because many people would in this circumstance, when somebody suddenly cuts them off, whether or not it's the right thing to do. I wasn't planning on repeatedly calling him, just hoping (stupidly) he'd pick up the first time. Then I got the verizon message that his number had been changed or disconnected.

 

Also, your comment about the restraining order was totally out of line and I didn't appreciate it.

Edited August 15, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Heh heh. My first thought too. Also, no love for Neil Young?

 

Meh, it's only worth about $8 plus shipping on Ebay. Prolly ought to just keep it. It IS Blade Runner after all.

 

 

I'm a Neil Young fan and Blade Runner is my favorite movie. However, I don't want it to be spoiled by any association with him each time I pop the dvd in. I think I might sell it or give it to one of my housemates.

[shadowplay]

No, but don't you see it??

He texts you and asks you to not contact him any more.

Yes, I agree with you, it was a low and insensitive thing to do - but he asked you to NOT contact him!

 

So what do you immediately do - ?

You contact him!

 

You think that's going to make things any better?

Look, everyone here, bless them, has given you sound advice, a shoulder to lean on, and really great support.....

But the one thing nobody can ever do, is to follow through for you.

It sucks, I know, but eventually, the hard graft, the tough work - has to come from you.

And simply because he always initiated contact before, gives no reason for you to lose your integrity and dignity, and go totally against his request.

He changed his number because he knew you would do this.

He changed his number to stop you doing this.

Something everyone has also been trying to help you with.

I never meant to cause offence, but really, you have to open your eyes to see what damage this is doing to you.....

 

It's going to be the hardest thing you ever do - but put this down, and keep going on.

I wish you well, truly I do.

I'm not a nasty person, and I really mean it when I say I want things to heal for you.

But the way things are at present, the worst enemy you have right now, is yourself.

And you don't deserve to do this to yourself.

 

I'm not going to beat myself up for making one call when he just sent me a serious blow. That's stupid and isn't going to help me heal right now. I am going to regret keeping up contact with him months after the breakup.

 

My integrity has nothing to do with this. I have a lot of it. I've always stuck to my word with him. He's the one without integrity.

 

Dignity is something else. Yeah, I agree that my dignity was compromised by maintaining contact with him.

[WintersNightTraveler]

I just had a thought that felt really liberating. It's that I don't have to care.

 

For me it's not that I feel obligated to care, it's that I find it so difficult to accept the absurdity of things sometimes - how often there is no cohesive explanation whatsoever, no matter how hard one tries to figure something out. It's so difficult to let go of that search for a reason or a narrative or for sense within the confusion. But when you can, that's golden. I wouldn't call it "not caring", but it has some similarities to what you describe...

 

Accept it, embrace it, *feel* it.

 

Agreed 100%, although I'm not sure I agree with all the funeral imagery. This whole notion is huge in my own personal little hodgepodge of philosophies.

[shadowplay]

For me it's not that I feel obligated to care, it's that I find it so difficult to accept the absurdity of things sometimes - how often there is no cohesive explanation whatsoever, no matter how hard one tries to figure something out. It's so difficult to let go of that search for a reason or a narrative or for sense within the confusion. But when you can, that's golden. I wouldn't call it "not caring", but it has some similarities to what you describe...

 

 

 

Agreed 100%, although I'm not sure I agree with all the funeral imagery. This whole notion is huge in my own personal little hodgepodge of philosophies.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I'm very analytical, and I get easily frustrated when things happen or people do things that don't make sense.

[carhill]

Tell me, would it matter to you if your ex died tomorrow? If he did, and it did, how would you process that? We're all unique in how we process emotional events in our lives. Examining alternatives sometimes gives birth to new and different and healthier methodologies. Maybe you'll find a path which no one here, not even yourself, has yet envisioned. If you want to try, anything is possible.

 

I sense that you have unfinished business with your ex. Can you resolve that within yourself? Unknown (to me). What's your perspective?

 

You'll note that I'm focusing on you. It's your question, your process, your feelings, your life. Your ex has made his choice. Best wishes to him. So, back to work

[shadowplay]

Tell me, would it matter to you if your ex died tomorrow? If he did, and it did, how would you process that? We're all unique in how we process emotional events in our lives. Examining alternatives sometimes gives birth to new and different and healthier methodologies. Maybe you'll find a path which no one here, not even yourself, has yet envisioned. If you want to try, anything is possible.

 

I sense that you have unfinished business with your ex. Can you resolve that within yourself? Unknown (to me). What's your perspective?

 

You'll note that I'm focusing on you. It's your question, your process, your feelings, your life. Your ex has made his choice. Best wishes to him. So, back to work

 

If he died tomorrow my honest response: I probably wouldn't care much at first because I've lost so much respect and care for him. Eventually the pain and loss would sink in; I'm not sure how deep.

[carhill]

Thanks for the honest response. It perhaps sheds light on your process. Think about the comparison of him dying to that of him disappearing via his request for no contact. Identify the pathways in yourself which process this information and the emotional responses you have to it. I wish I could draw a wiring diagram for you but there are some things we each have to map for ourselves. With the help of our psychologist, I was able to clearly see these paths and responses for the first time in my life; to understand them cognitively. Every increment of every path we walk and every aspect of every response we enact is a *choice* we make. The events are real; the emotions are real. Everything else is a *choice*.

 

What's your choice today?

[WintersNightTraveler]

Tell me, would it matter to you if your ex died tomorrow? If he did, and it did, how would you process that?

 

Not to devalue the other advice carhill gave in this thread but I think this line of reasoning is very counterproductive. It will just encourage rehashing things, further examination to find explanations that aren't really there. It's also a bit macabre, which you don't need at this moment (appropriate at other times).

 

Along similar lines, minus the death, just being comfortable with not only the notion of him no longer being an active part of your life, but going further to not really include his presence at all in your evaluation of things. To let go of the "what if he was here" and embrace the "what if it's just me". That's a good place to be.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

For me it's not that I feel obligated to care, it's that I find it so difficult to accept the absurdity of things sometimes - how often there is no cohesive explanation whatsoever, no matter how hard one tries to figure something out. It's so difficult to let go of that search for a reason or a narrative or for sense within the confusion. But when you can, that's golden. I wouldn't call it "not caring", but it has some similarities to what you describe...

 

Sorry to thread-jack, but I noticed this and it kinda jumped out at me. The idea of giving up the need for an explanation. Does anyone ever really do that? I mean, don't we all, when you cut it to the marrow, want answers, explanations? Isn't it our ego thats damaged, and our pride and sense of selves? Don't we need to know why the people we love have abandoned us like this? Does that longing to know the answer ever go away?

[carhill]

No worries. No offense taken. It helped me process the end of my marriage so I thought it a valuable suggestion, since the OP and I tend to process things in similar ways from examples of hers I've read over the years..

 

Carry on

[WintersNightTraveler]

Sorry to thread-jack, but I noticed this and it kinda jumped out at me. The idea of giving up the need for an explanation. Does anyone ever really do that? I mean, don't we all, when you cut it to the marrow, want answers, explanations? Isn't it our ego thats damaged, and our pride and sense of selves? Don't we need to know why the people we love have abandoned us like this? Does that longing to know the answer ever go away?

 

I believe this is probably the most difficult and constructive step a person can take towards having a more sound understanding of living. I have been working on it since I became an adult.

 

But then again you were quoting me. Maybe I'm peculiar.

 

Also this goes much deeper than just love lost and romantic relationships. That's just an obvious example, and the one most germane to this forum. For me personally, on this romantic facet of the larger topic, I can confidently say yes to "Does that longing to know the answer ever go away."

 

SP if you want us to take this elsewhere just say so...

[sb129]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm very analytical, and I get easily frustrated when things happen or people do things that don't make sense.

That is going to happen throughout your life because we can't control other peoples thoughts, actions or desires.

[Hot Carl]

That is going to happen throughout your life because we can't control other peoples thoughts, actions or desires.

 

I can. You posted that because I willed you to. I'm working on getting you to bring me a beer next....

[sb129]

I can. You posted that because I willed you to. I'm working on getting you to bring me a beer next....

 

I thought it was strange that I was thinking about beer at 8.15am.

 

What flavour do you want? It'll probably be warm by the time I get to your house.

[WintersNightTraveler]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm very analytical, and I get easily frustrated when things happen or people do things that don't make sense.

 

Read more Kafka. Serious suggestion. That and having been dumped hard a few times are what help me most when there is no sense to be found.

 

[This concludes WNT's entry in the "most bizarre dating advice ever" competition.]