fck, this really hurts

[threebyfate]

Yeah, I would have respected that. If anything, it would have increased my respect for him. Of course I can't say with certainty how I would have reacted, since it's never happened before, but I feel confident that I would have responded positively. It was the lack of communication and shock of the break up that got to me.

That's what I was saying about the nancy boy aspect. He should never have agreed, then over-reacted in such a pussy way...TWICE!

 

This "guy" is softer than the Pillsbury dough boy. It's time you saw him clearly and realized that even as a friend, he will continue to be a doormat.

 

Wanna' bet his brother gave him the backbone to text you?

[TaraMaiden]

You know what?

 

I just wrote a long and detailed reply, and I realised that it won't do a bit of good, because you pick and choose what you want to hear, and conveniently lay aside the rest, and I can't be arsed to engage with you any longer.

It's a waste of my time, and my breath

Good luck with everything.

 

Keep posting.

I'll keep reading, but I won't say another word.

[shadowplay]

That's what I was saying about the nancy boy aspect. He should never have agreed, then over-reacted in such a pussy way...TWICE!

 

This "guy" is softer than the Pillsbury dough boy. It's time you saw him clearly and realized that even as a friend, he will continue to be a doormat.

 

Wanna' bet his brother gave him the backbone to text you?

 

Yep, I had the same thought about his brother.

 

But I guess I'm still a little confused. Are you saying he should have dumped me at the beginning of the relationship when the family vs. me issues first came up rather than continue with the relationship before buckling later?

 

I know I was probably overly dependent on him at times, but I don't think it was to a degree where an instant dump was justified without trying to work it out first.

 

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, though.

[threebyfate]

Yep, I had the same thought about his brother.

Yup, his total reversal sounds like his brother was influencing him again. It wouldn't surprise me if he had his brother write the text for him.

 

But I guess I'm still a little confused. Are you saying he should have dumped me at the beginning of the relationship when the family vs. me issues first came up rather than continue with the relationship before buckling later?

 

I know I was probably overly dependent on him at times, but I don't think it was to a degree where an instant dump was justified without trying to work it out first.

 

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, though.

Nope, I think he should have pushed you back at the onset, rather than waited for everything to pile up to the degree where he felt that running away was necessary.

 

To you he expressed:

 

Go, Go, Go, Go, Go...STOP...I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!

 

He should have expressed:

 

Go, Go, hold it a minute, this is going too far. Okay, better. Go, Go, Can't agree to that. Better., etc.

[mickleb]

shadow - I know you don't want to read this right now (so maybe cover your eyes and come back to it in 6 months time) but I'm popping it in for the sake of posterity.

 

I sincerely hope you gather hold of your life again, solidly and heal from this break-up, fully. Once you have done so, I think you will probably re-read some of your comments to other posters on here (particularly TaraMaiden) and feel embarrassed.

 

You are hurting a lot, obviously and are lashing out like that thing in Cloverfield. I'd suggest downloading 'From Heartbreak to Connection' and working hard on it.

 

Once you have healed, you won't care about him and you'll be glad you're functioning rationally, again. Posters who have criticised you here are only trying to get you to that wonderful place. We often get angry when we don't want to learn something painful but true about our behaviour. You are angry at him and you are angry at yourself. Continue to learn about your mistakes (we all have to do this, sometimes on on a daily basis) and beat up a pillow that you're pretending is him. But there is no need to be angry at anyone who has tried to help you, here (i.e., everyone who has responded to your requests for attention and advice.)

 

Take care. (And feel free to correct me if I'm wrong when you get there. )

 

x

[sb129]

Yeah, and what he's doing is ****ty and cowardly because he has promised me over and over that he wouldn't (often he volunteered this himself). That he would tell me in person first if he ever wanted to cut off contact..

 

Yes, sure, but he has let you down so many times already SP- you probably should have taken those "promises" with a BIG grain of salt.

 

How were said promises portrayed? Did he volunteer them willingly or did you extract them from him?

 

Given that he has promised me MULTIPLE times he would never suddenly cut me out of his life without talking to me about it first, and he knows I have huge abandonment issues. And that he promised me just this yesterday and also affirmed that he values our friendship and wants to stay my friend, I have ever right to be angry that he changed his number out of the blue.

 

See above.

 

It's not that simple. He wanted a friendship with me and was often initiating. We did things together. He took me out on my birthday and bought me gifts. He frequently told me he valued our friendship, still loved me, etc. etc. This is stuff he volunteered, and I stupidly thought I could trust him as af riend.

 

If he genuinely wanted a friendship as he said, and I believed, then yeah he does owe me some respect.

 

Thats all by the by now though surely. The guy has proven again and again that he is full of sh*t.

 

SP, I hope you can now see the value of NC when a break up happens.

Remaining friends like this afterwards is SO destructive to the dumped party, and when the dumper tires of the friendship, the dumpee is hurt afresh.

 

Shadow, as another member coined, your ex is a "nancy boy". You gave him the responsibility of your emotional well-being and he's ducked it twice. But to be fair, it's a helluva' responsibility and one he should never have agreed to take on in the first place. Had he pushed you back at the onset, none of this would have happened.

 

Yes, you have a right to be royally pissed off at him for his proven weakness and inability to express himself.

 

Agree with this- its a mistake to give anyone the responsibility of our emotional well being. ESPECIALLY a 22 year old emotional retard.

 

I would imagine that the "friendship" was still highly important to you as it gave you something to cling to- no point bashing you for keeping it up, but....

 

Neither of you have had your finest hours with the way this R has played out.

 

You could be hurt by this- or see it blessed relief that its finally over and you can now move on.

[shadowplay]

Yes, sure, but he has let you down so many times already SP- you probably should have taken those "promises" with a BIG grain of salt.

 

How were said promises portrayed? Did he volunteer them willingly or did you extract them from him?

 

 

 

See above.

 

 

 

Thats all by the by now though surely. The guy has proven again and again that he is full of sh*t.

 

SP, I hope you can now see the value of NC when a break up happens.

Remaining friends like this afterwards is SO destructive to the dumped party, and when the dumper tires of the friendship, the dumpee is hurt afresh.

 

 

 

Agree with this- its a mistake to give anyone the responsibility of our emotional well being. ESPECIALLY a 22 year old emotional retard.

 

I would imagine that the "friendship" was still highly important to you as it gave you something to cling to- no point bashing you for keeping it up, but....

 

Neither of you have had your finest hours with the way this R has played out.

 

You could be hurt by this- or see it blessed relief that its finally over and you can now move on.

 

He volunteered those promises. Many times. I think if you guys saw how we interacted when we were friends, you could better understand some of my confusion. He routinely told me he loved me spontaneously, that I was beautiful, amazing, and that he was still 100% in love with me. He would im me every time I was online, and frequently wanted to do things. I know it's all a load of crap, but it's not like I've been chasing him down for the last few months. I should have known better, though.

[threebyfate]

shadow, if I put up a poll asking how many women haven't been lied to by partners sometime in their lives, how many women would answer "I've never been lied to"?

[shadowplay]

shadow, if I put up a poll asking how many women haven't been lied to by partners sometime in their lives, how many women would answer "I've never been lied to"?

 

probably very few.

 

------

[sb129]

But there was a HUGE glaring problem with that behaviour-he said all that stuff, but he DIDN'T WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND.

 

So it can't have been as sincere as he led you to believe.

 

Yes, you should have known better, but now you do and sometimes the lessons we learn the hard way are the ones we take greater pains not to repeat. (IME)

[threebyfate]

But there was a HUGE glaring problem with that behaviour-he said all that stuff, but he DIDN'T WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND.

 

So it can't have been as sincere as he led you to believe.

 

Yes, you should have known better, but now you do and sometimes the lessons we learn the hard way are the ones we take greater pains not to repeat. (IME)

Yup, words to actions. When the two don't mesh, you have a problem!

[sb129]

When I was an OW, my exMM led me a RIGHT merry dance. He became so proficient at lying that I actually don't know if he knew he was doing it sometimes.

 

Anyway, point is, it wasn't until last year that the penny dropped with me and I ended up knowing without a doubt that he had lied.

 

Was I P*ssed? A little- by then I had had wonderbaby, so it didn't seem to matter so much. Did I call him out on it? No way- he is NOTHING to me now, and its not worth going backwards with your life to prove a point.

 

You will end up feeling this way about this guy.

[shadowplay]

When I was an OW, my exMM led me a RIGHT merry dance. He became so proficient at lying that I actually don't know if he knew he was doing it sometimes.

 

Anyway, point is, it wasn't until last year that the penny dropped with me and I ended up knowing without a doubt that he had lied.

 

Was I P*ssed? A little- by then I had had wonderbaby, so it didn't seem to matter so much. Did I call him out on it? No way- he is NOTHING to me now, and its not worth going backwards with your life to prove a point.

 

You will end up feeling this way about this guy.

 

I hope so. My ex ex is barely an afterthought to me now, and that relationship was a drama-coaster. I literally feel nothing when I think about him. Yet, I'm a little concerned, because this guy has hurt me more than any other has, since I really loved him.

 

Usually, I'm able to get completely over past rejections with time, but there are a few from my past that haunt me to this day, and I'm not sure why.

 

I'd say the girls who bullied me in middle school and the best friend I had who never defended me make up 50% of my nightmares. I have no clue why because I rarely think about them during the day. It's a bit disturbing. I wonder if there's something about the way my brain processed that rejection that never allowed me to fully let go.

 

I don't want him to become another thorn in my heart.

[sb129]

Don't let it then.

 

I have been rejected lots of times.

 

I don't even want to count them.

 

I am beyond caring about that all that now- they had their reasons, and they lost out in the end because I am awesome.

 

You need to believe how awesome YOU are for others to think it.

[shadowplay]

Don't let it then.

 

I have been rejected lots of times.

 

I don't even want to count them.

 

I am beyond caring about that all that now- they had their reasons, and they lost out in the end because I am awesome.

 

You need to believe how awesome YOU are for others to think it.

 

It's an inspiration to me that you're where you are now. I know you've gone through tough times. As I wrote earlier in this thread, I've decided to choose the path of not caring in processing this mini "breakup" rather than scrambling for damage control.

[sb129]

At some point I just got tired of letting myself get hurt all the time.

 

I think I have told you before it coincided with my 29th birthday which happened to be around the time I met WB, but meeting him didn't set it off, I did that all by myself.

 

A friend of mine who is an astrologer is a firm believer in "saturn return".

 

I don't believe in all that stuff, but its interesting enough and it certainly seemed to apply to me in some ways.

[alphamale]

its best not to stay friends with an ex

[pandagirl]

Shadow, you're upset because anyone would be, but the reason why you are taking it so hard is because you feel as though you have to be validated by him. So you keep on hoping and believing all the good parts of what he told you (he wanted to be friends, never would abandon you), because that made you feel good about yourself and "secure." You want to be "right" about him. How he treats you, directly affects how you feel about yourself -- which is negative -- because you haven't built up your own self-confidence yet.

 

This is why everyone has always been telling you to go completely no contact, because that is the only way you'll be able to focus on yourself and depend on yourself for your own self-worth.

 

So, yes, this hurts and it sucks. But don't examine the situation, or look back on empty promises, or analyze the situation to death, or blame yourself. Because HE doesn't matter. YOU matter.