The message that NC sends

[nokturn]

What are everyone's opinions on the message(s) that NC sends the ex? We all know that NC is primarily for helping YOU to heal and become yourself again. There's no doubt in my mind that there are some of us out there who aren't sure if it will push them away or not. For those who have some sort of hope left whether its for reconciliation or other unknown reasons, what message can not responding to calls,texts,messages, e-mails, etc. send the ex? Should it matter?

[GrayClouds]

What are everyone's opinions on the message(s) that NC sends the ex? We all know that NC is primarily for helping YOU to heal and become yourself again. There's no doubt in my mind that there are some of us out there who aren't sure if it will push them away or not. For those who have some sort of hope left whether its for reconciliation or other unknown reasons, what message can not responding to calls,texts,messages, e-mails, etc. send the ex? Should it matter?

 

 

What it communicates is that you have enough self respect for yourself that you will not settle for anything less the full commitment for someone who claims to love you. Any less than that, you are will to put yourself first and do what you need to do to move and and get the love you deserve.

 

Read the following for more information:

 

So you want a second chance?

 

The No Contact Guide

 

 

.

[spiderowl]

No contact can send several messages. There is the obvious one that the person needs to heal and so it's the only way they can cope, but there are other messages.

 

Having been on the receiving end of no contact initiated suddenly by someone who claimed to be serious about me, I can assure you that some people use it as a punishment. This guy was very serious about me (or so he said) but I wasn't as sure about him. We'd only known each other for two months. I didn't close down my profile on a dating site, though I did say in it that I'd met a lovely guy and was seeing him. I didn't declare that I was committed to him and him only. I wasn't at the stage where I felt ready for that though I was getting more and more involved with him. He didn't like this lack of total commitment and he suddenly opted out. The no contact was a punishment, I've no doubt about it. What did it say to me? That he was angry with me and wanted to hurt me, that he didn't care about me as a person, that he was a cold man who could just cut off like that, that he wanted me to remember that he could hurt me. All this coming from someone who claimed to be serious seemed bizarre and I realised the whole thing was some sort of power struggle on his part. He simply couldn't tolerate a real relationship with honesty.

 

Since then, if ever I've had to break up with someone (which is not often, I can assure you), then I've always made an effort to stay friends and show I do care about them. It's up to them whether they decide to accept my friendship but at least I know I've done my best to care for someone who mattered to me, even if it didn't work out.

 

It's important to think what message you want to send with no contact. It is widely advocated by those who have been hurt but I doubt that everyone really wants to punish their ex in this way.

[skydiveaddict]

It says you have moved on with your life. which is how it should be

[Username37]

What are everyone's opinions on the message(s) that NC sends the ex? We all know that NC is primarily for helping YOU to heal and become yourself again. There's no doubt in my mind that there are some of us out there who aren't sure if it will push them away or not. For those who have some sort of hope left whether its for reconciliation or other unknown reasons, what message can not responding to calls,texts,messages, e-mails, etc. send the ex? Should it matter?

 

IMO, we send them the message that we don't need them to live and that if they want our comfort, they shouldn't have dumped us.

[Fouts]

It says you have moved on with your life. which is how it should be

 

Pretty much sums it up. Not much more to read into it. It hurts, but bottom line is they want to be away from you, or you from them, for a reason. Playing the back 'n forth game only leads to more drama and hurt in the bitter end.

[collegeguy_24]

My question is: If you want your ex back, is NC really the way to go?

[Fouts]

My question is: If you want your ex back, is NC really the way to go?

 

If you want them back, then no, it's not the way to go. It becomes a game. If you want someone back, you tell them how you feel, what you want. If they reject you, playing a game isn't going to help. NC is for ending it and moving on, not to keep looking over your shoulder.

[collegeguy_24]

If you want them back, then no, it's not the way to go. It becomes a game. If you want someone back, you tell them how you feel, what you want. If they reject you, playing a game isn't going to help. NC is for ending it and moving on, not to keep looking over your shoulder.

 

My GF said she would consider relationship counseling, but she is off the see her parents and grandparents. I am thinking of waiting for her to contact me after a couple weeks cause thats how long she will be with them. Is that a good idea or after the couple weeks should I contact her?

[Beeotch]

Everyone interprets things differently, it can be a very personal thing. Therefore, only your ex can tell you what he/she thinks you're trying to say to them through your actions.

 

Unfortunately, people misinterpret our actions all the time and what we may be trying to say is not what is conferred.

 

But I have learned, it is best to focus on doing NC for one's self instead of trying to send your ex messages through it.

[collegeguy_24]

Everyone interprets things differently, it can be a very personal thing. Therefore, only your ex can tell you what he/she thinks you're trying to say to them through your actions.

 

Unfortunately, people misinterpret our actions all the time and what we may be trying to say is not what is conferred.

 

But I have learned, it is best to focus on doing NC for one's self instead of trying to send your ex messages through it.

 

The thing is, I am really confused. I have never had such strong feelings for someone before and I truly don't want to screw up any chance of reconciliation. However, I am also at a place where if we can't reconcile, I know I can move on, won't be easy, but I know I can. I hope what I said makes sense.

[Don Ho]

What message does it send? Who gives a damn. WTH would you worry about that? If you're trying to rationalize contacting your Ex that dumped you because you think you're being mean or can't understand how you can go from "so in love" to not talking, get over it. That's the way breakups work and as much as it sucks, contacting will either push them away or they will reject you again and you will be left hurting again and also feeling like a fool.

 

If you want them back, then no, it's not the way to go. It becomes a game. If you want someone back, you tell them how you feel, what you want. If they reject you, playing a game isn't going to help. NC is for ending it and moving on, not to keep looking over your shoulder.

 

I disagree with FOUTS and NC it is the way to go. If they start to miss you and want you back, they WILL contact you. If they don't, then they don't want you back. Simple, huh? No, you do not tell them how you feel and what you want. It only matters what SHE feels. Doing that will do NOTHING to change how SHE feels about you and may even push her away more.

 

Like it or not, dating is a game and so are relationships. It's just part of the mating ritual from our prehistoric ancestors and that's just the way it is. If you don't like the game, I guess you can hook up with someone ugly or stay home and play with yourself and be lonely.

 

So continue NC, improve yourself, rid yourself of all the emotions that are fogging your mind and weighing you down, become the confident guy that she was originally attracted to and if she doesn't come back, believe me, by that time, with your old attitude back, another will come around. Good luck and hang in there.

Edited August 16, 2010 by Don Ho

[Monkeypants]

Don,

 

THank you! Anytime that I getting goofy headed and want to break my NC im going to read that post. You are completely right..

 

NC shouldnt be about the morally bankrupt fool that has us all here. It should be about getting our heads straight!

[nokturn]

What message does it send? Who gives a damn. WTH would you worry about that? If you're trying to rationalize contacting your Ex that dumped you because you think you're being mean or can't understand how you can go from "so in love" to not talking, get over it. That's the way breakups work and as much as it sucks, contacting will either push them away or they will reject you again and you will be left hurting again and also feeling like a fool.

 

 

 

I disagree with FOUTS and NC it is the way to go. If they start to miss you and want you back, they WILL contact you. If they don't, then they don't want you back. Simple, huh? No, you do not tell them how you feel and what you want. It only matters what SHE feels. Doing that will do NOTHING to change how SHE feels about you and may even push her away more.

 

Like it or not, dating is a game and so are relationships. It's just part of the mating ritual from our prehistoric ancestors and that's just the way it is. If you don't like the game, I guess you can hook up with someone ugly or stay home and play with yourself and be lonely.

 

So continue NC, improve yourself, rid yourself of all the emotions that are fogging your mind and weighing you down, become the confident guy that she was originally attracted to and if she doesn't come back, believe me, by that time, with your old attitude back, another will come around. Good luck and hang in there.

 

Words of encouragement right there

[Fouts]

Like it or not, dating is a game and so are relationships.

 

I'll definitely agree to disagree with this. You stand up, say what you want and how you feel, if the person you have feelings for doesn't feel the same, you move on, no regrets. It's not even NC, it's moving on with life, like skydiveaddict pointed out.

 

NC is b/s and it's for kids.

[9Lives]

this was very informative regarding the message NC sends the dumper cause I wonder what would they think especially cause I'm not trying to punish someone but heal and move on cause I have no choice. it also sets the ground rule for any reaon to actually talk ti them. it makes more sense now

[Sambo]

The message is .... Who Cares !

 

This is a break up not a joke or a mind game.

 

As soon as you accept that the person is GONE forever, the healthier and happier you will be.

 

The only message you need to be concerned about is I HAVE MY SELF RESPECT BACK and I'M NOT GOING TO LET ANYONE HURT ME or USE ME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Edited August 16, 2010 by Sambo

[9Lives]

What message does it send? Who gives a damn. WTH would you worry about that? If you're trying to rationalize contacting your Ex that dumped you because you think you're being mean or can't understand how you can go from "so in love" to not talking, get over it. That's the way breakups work and as much as it sucks, contacting will either push them away or they will reject you again and you will be left hurting again and also feeling like a fool.

 

 

 

I disagree with FOUTS and NC it is the way to go. If they start to miss you and want you back, they WILL contact you. If they don't, then they don't want you back. Simple, huh? No, you do not tell them how you feel and what you want. It only matters what SHE feels. Doing that will do NOTHING to change how SHE feels about you and may even push her away more.

 

Like it or not, dating is a game and so are relationships. It's just part of the mating ritual from our prehistoric ancestors and that's just the way it is. If you don't like the game, I guess you can hook up with someone ugly or stay home and play with yourself and be lonely.

 

So continue NC, improve yourself, rid yourself of all the emotions that are fogging your mind and weighing you down, become the confident guy that she was originally attracted to and if she doesn't come back, believe me, by that time, with your old attitude back, another will come around. Good luck and hang in there.

 

If you want them back, then no, it's not the way to go. It becomes a game. If you want someone back, you tell them how you feel, what you want. If they reject you, playing a game isn't going to help. NC is for ending it and moving on, not to keep looking over your shoulder.

 

so basically your saying if you want to get back together and u tell your ex and they say no then its time to go NC right? because if not you keep trying to get them cack or up and down begin. if that chapter in your love booklet is over. shut it all down and move on to the next one. correct?

[boltsfan17]

I just think it all depends on the person. I'm sure some will think "who cares" while others will wonder what's going on. If you need to move on from a person, NC is really the only way to go to heal.

 

NC shouldn't be used for the sole purpose of trying to get an ex back. It won't work in my opinion.

[Don Ho]

so basically your saying if you want to get back together and u tell your ex and they say no then its time to go NC right? because if not you keep trying to get them cack or up and down begin. if that chapter in your love booklet is over. shut it all down and move on to the next one. correct?

 

I'm saying if someone dumps you, then you agree with them and do not beg or ask to get back together. Then go NC. It's the best way to discontinue the pain.

[9Lives]

I'm saying if someone dumps you, then you agree with them and do not beg or ask to get back together. Then go NC. It's the best way to discontinue the pain.

 

I got it. It took me 3 years to figure this out. That is so true...go live your life

[BeagleGal]

HA HA HA! Sorry, had to laugh at that.

 

I agree NC is the way to go to focus on YOU. Never mind what your ex wants or doesn't want - they didn't want us, hence us posting here. Its hard at times, trust me I know but at the end of the day, its their loss not ours.

 

Like it or not, dating is a game and so are relationships. It's just part of the mating ritual from our prehistoric ancestors and that's just the way it is. If you don't like the game, I guess you can hook up with someone ugly or stay home and play with yourself and be lonely.

 

[mmk1]

Don ho, post 12 was one of the best ever!!

[Don Ho]

LOL. Thanks MMK1. Think about it. We have this instinctual drive to find a strong mate. A woman is attracted to a man that is emotionally strong, a man that can protect her and take care of her. That is why women test men ALL the time. To find out and confirm that a man is still strong and confident. She is not going to "mate" with a weak male. Sure, it might be a little different today, but that basic instinct is still there ... and it is complicated. As the saying goes "Women give up sex to get love and men fall in love to get sex". Love, relationships, marriage and dating ARE a game. That's human nature. I just think that if you want to say "don't play games" then you're either saying you can't play the game or you're fooling yourself about the dating and mating ritual. You know, "if you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch!"

Edited August 16, 2010 by Don Ho

[Simon Attwood]

What are everyone's opinions on the message(s) that NC sends the ex? We all know that NC is primarily for helping YOU to heal and become yourself again. There's no doubt in my mind that there are some of us out there who aren't sure if it will push them away or not. For those who have some sort of hope left whether its for reconciliation or other unknown reasons, what message can not responding to calls,texts,messages, e-mails, etc. send the ex? Should it matter?

 

 

I asked a similar question a few months back

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t214461/

 

I've found it amazing and sadening that at the first sign of trouble people look to "no contact" as the answer. I feel in many cases it is dysfunctional and destructive. Although there may be rare cases when it protects from an emotional or psychological destructiveness, on the whole I feel it is a very destructive process.