The message that NC sends

[BeagleGal]

I totally agree with what you wrote. I know at first after we broke up, I used NC to try to make my ex realize what he's lost out on. That was before I found out about all he's done. After I found out, NC quickly turned into something I had to do for me to try to heal and move on. But I do admit at the very start, NC was used to affect him. And I thought it worked because he kept texting me/drunk dialling me. So I thought to myself "yes! This stupid weasel is realizing the grass isnt always greener on the other side". Once I found out how badly he betrayed me, that was it. NC was all about me from then on.

 

At some point in time we all go through a really tough break up, where our whole world comes crashing down and we want nothing but to have that person back in our life. We then learn of NC and think that it wil makes our ex's realize how great we were and they will miss us and come back. In some instances that's the case an ex will come back, but for the rest of us we're left to wonder how NC is affecting our ex. We talk to people write on forums in search for the answers and we read things like how NC worked and helped someone out there get their ex back, and we end up building false hope. As time passes and still no word from the ex our hope turns into disappointment and we're back to square one. However this time around we use NC as a healing mechanism and with each day get stronger and everything starts falling back into place. Until we finally reach the point of no return a time where our ex is no longer on our mind, a time where we gain our self confidence back, and a time where we stop looking back on the past and instead focus on the future. Only then we will understand the true purpose of NC and how it has helped us gain our strenght and move on. We will then see that it doesn't matter how our ex felt during NC because it was for us to heal not a game we play to get our ex back. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone cause some ex's will come back due to NC. However if we approach NC with ourselves in mind and as a way of healing our world wont come crashing down if we never hear from the ex again, and if your ex does come back then great. However by then you'll know if you truly want them back in your life or if its time for u to move on without them and NC will be the reason for it.

[stillafool]

What are everyone's opinions on the message(s) that NC sends the ex? We all know that NC is primarily for helping YOU to heal and become yourself again. There's no doubt in my mind that there are some of us out there who aren't sure if it will push them away or not. For those who have some sort of hope left whether its for reconciliation or other unknown reasons, what message can not responding to calls,texts,messages, e-mails, etc. send the ex? Should it matter?

 

For myself, final NC means I have moved on and have left them to deal with their life. If it is an argument between myself and the chosen one; NC means we are giving each other time to think and calm down.

[stillafool]

No contact can send several messages. There is the obvious one that the person needs to heal and so it's the only way they can cope, but there are other messages.

 

Having been on the receiving end of no contact initiated suddenly by someone who claimed to be serious about me, I can assure you that some people use it as a punishment. This guy was very serious about me (or so he said) but I wasn't as sure about him. We'd only known each other for two months. I didn't close down my profile on a dating site, though I did say in it that I'd met a lovely guy and was seeing him. I didn't declare that I was committed to him and him only. I wasn't at the stage where I felt ready for that though I was getting more and more involved with him. He didn't like this lack of total commitment and he suddenly opted out. The no contact was a punishment, I've no doubt about it. What did it say to me? That he was angry with me and wanted to hurt me, that he didn't care about me as a person, that he was a cold man who could just cut off like that, that he wanted me to remember that he could hurt me. All this coming from someone who claimed to be serious seemed bizarre and I realised the whole thing was some sort of power struggle on his part. He simply couldn't tolerate a real relationship with honesty.

 

Since then, if ever I've had to break up with someone (which is not often, I can assure you), then I've always made an effort to stay friends and show I do care about them. It's up to them whether they decide to accept my friendship but at least I know I've done my best to care for someone who mattered to me, even if it didn't work out.

 

It's important to think what message you want to send with no contact. It is widely advocated by those who have been hurt but I doubt that everyone really wants to punish their ex in this way.

 

 

I don't think people do it to punish, from my experience anyway. It is hard to remain friends with an ex if you still care about them. Also not going NC after a breakup could give the dumped party the impression that the two of you may get back together. Some people go complete NC to help the dumpee move on with their life. I think it is possible to become friends again after the two of you have moved on and gotten over the breakup.

[meltdown69]

I think, in my situation, NC is being used for my own self-respect and dignity. If the dumper has no problem having contact with the dumpee even after they've dumped them, to me that shows that ya...maybe they still care enough to want to know what is going on in your life, but it's also for their own selfish reasons of not wanting to completely lose you from their lives. And let's face it, who knows what is going on in their minds. The ex could be trying to just string you along, or play games, inflate their own egos...or who really knows and that is not something that you, the dumpee, should be dealing with, along with trying to come to terms with the breakup and heal....get stronger.

 

Obviously if the breakup was not mutual, then the dumpee should not want to maintain contact. They've let you go for their own reasons. There are so many double standards in my situation. If I were to end things with her after 4 years and move on immediately to someone else and wanted to maintain a friendship....there'd be no f'n way that would EVER happen.

 

Proving to yourself that you don't NEED to have contact with this person to live your life is empowering... no matter how long the relationship lasted. If this NC happens to also work at the mind of the ex, and make them miss you and let them have a clearer idea of what they've given up, so be it.... but should not be and is not my motivation. Especially if the ex has moved onto someone else. The last thing I want to do is talk to my ex, knowing that she's talking to some other dude the way that she USED to talk to me.

 

It's definitely difficult when you care so much for someone. Letting them go from your life and looking back at your relationship will truly help in knowing how good or bad that person actually was for you. If NC brings them back to you, you'll have a much better idea of knowing what to do and where to go with it at that point.

[nokturn]

I think, in my situation, NC is being used for my own self-respect and dignity. If the dumper has no problem having contact with the dumpee even after they've dumped them, to me that shows that ya...maybe they still care enough to want to know what is going on in your life, but it's also for their own selfish reasons of not wanting to completely lose you from their lives. And let's face it, who knows what is going on in their minds. The ex could be trying to just string you along, or play games, inflate their own egos...or who really knows and that is not something that you, the dumpee, should be dealing with, along with trying to come to terms with the breakup and heal....get stronger.

 

Obviously if the breakup was not mutual, then the dumpee should not want to maintain contact. They've let you go for their own reasons. There are so many double standards in my situation. If I were to end things with her after 4 years and move on immediately to someone else and wanted to maintain a friendship....there'd be no f'n way that would EVER happen.

 

Proving to yourself that you don't NEED to have contact with this person to live your life is empowering... no matter how long the relationship lasted. If this NC happens to also work at the mind of the ex, and make them miss you and let them have a clearer idea of what they've given up, so be it.... but should not be and is not my motivation. Especially if the ex has moved onto someone else. The last thing I want to do is talk to my ex, knowing that she's talking to some other dude the way that she USED to talk to me.

 

It's definitely difficult when you care so much for someone. Letting them go from your life and looking back at your relationship will truly help in knowing how good or bad that person actually was for you. If NC brings them back to you, you'll have a much better idea of knowing what to do and where to go with it at that point.

 

Amazing. Thank you

[9Lives]

Ha! I can't help it. Love to curse. And it feels good when I'm cursing about that stupid piece of sh*t. I'd love to do it in his face and then drop kick him in the testes BUT, I am a lady (to some degree ) so... NC it is... ha!

 

Oh. Wait... were you just being sarcastic?

 

Not at all. I love it!!

[meltdown69]

Amazing. Thank you

 

Let's be honest with ourselves here. Should any of us really want to communicate with someone who feels like they are better off in their lives without us? No f'n way. If they really cared as much as they say that they do... I wouldn't be writing this, and you wouldn't be reading it.

 

Maybe one day in the future, when the feelings of the breakup have subsided, then maybe you could communicate with the dumper knowing that you aren't going to be negatively affected by that communication.

 

NC means one thing... that we have accepted what has happened, (even if we don't agree with it) and we are moving on.