Daughter keeps having a go

[spiderowl]

I'm feeling despairing tonight. My daughter is 23 and lives with her father. They get on OK. Every time I come into contact with my daughter, there are problems. I try to show an interest in her life and I'm genuinely enthusiastic and interested, but as soon as I ask her anything about the things she's been telling me about (which presumably she wants me to be interested in?) she gets sarcastic and patronising. It doesn't matter what the subject is, she can't answer a direct question, she has to apparently deflect it in some way by being sarcastic, saying "I've already told you that", or suggesting I'm stupid in some way for not understanding what she meant first time. As I don't know the background and it's new to me, of course I need to ask the odd question to get the whole picture. Apparently, I'm not allowed to do this. It's almost as if she tells me something and as soon as I'm interested, she pounces and makes me feel sorry I ever spoke to her. It's like some sort of stupid power game and I don't want to play it.

 

I've decided that I won't see her again. I can't take this rudeness and disrespect. It seems like passive aggression to me but my ex tends to back her up in her denigration of me, e.g. I'm stupid for not understanding, she did explain it before, and she isn't really being sarcastic.

 

It seems that every time my daughter and I have any contact, the same thing happens and it seems it always will. I can't deal with it. She denies she's treating me badly (my ex of course has his own motivations for what he does). I can't see anything I can do other than to opt out of this relationship altogether. I love her and want her to be happy but she's clearly not interested in having me in her life. I won't put up with being abused. This is not a solution I want, but a necessity if I'm not to feel entirely worthless.

 

I'm incredibly sad that I've lost my daughter, though I lost her a long time ago. My ex persists in encouraging her to treat me like this. I don't feel there is anyone I can talk to about it. My friends either assume it's just 'teenage' aggro and not as bad as I think or they suggest that cutting contact is ridiculous. They are wrong on both counts. As background, my daughter has always been very difficult and oppositional and just doing normal things with her has always been a trial. She has since been diagnosed with various problems such as ADD and mood swings. I don't have any problem communicating with other people and certainly don't receive this persistent verbal punishment that she thinks is OK. I don't want any contact with her now; I feel all is lost.

 

This whole thing seems so unfair. I've always had to be the breadwinner, the responsible one. I did my best to get the kids opportunities and things they wouldn't have had otherwise, even if it was only spending hours scouring charity shops for a dress for her when we had virtually nothing to live on. I had to work incredibly hard to cope with a young family and a job while my ex couldn't get round to the job side of things. He did very little to support me and it was an enormous struggle (one reason it didn't work out with him). But it seems he did the right thing and he's the wonderful guy apparently and I'm just stupid and annoying. I don't want to get into a competition with him because it's a pointless way to go but if he's not supporting me and correcting her when she talks to me like that, she's bound to think what she's doing is OK. Avoiding them seems to be the only solution but I feel so sad and hurt.

 

Other things in my life are not going brilliantly either as I haven't met anyone special though I really wanted to. I'm beginning to feel that walking into the sea might be a peaceful solution.

Edited August 16, 2010 by spiderowl

[worlybear]

Hugs. I know how it feels when a grown up child appears to side with a non-deserving parent. Your relationship with your daughter sounds similar to mine with my son. Lots of the hurt and conflict discussed on LS is about partners (and rightly so) but it is terrible when you feel that your child has turned against you:(. Don't beat yourself up and remember that your daughter is an adult, you do not need or deserve to be a whipping boy.Stay calm and dignified and don't allow yourself to be beaten down.

You sound like a very caring person- remember that YOU are worth caring for too!

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your kindly comment worlybear, I'm glad someone at least isn't assuming it's all my fault.

 

Things seem a bit brighter today as we've had a polite exchange, but I do feel I've been punished enough over the years. I had to cope when she was young because she was dependent on me, but now I can say no. It's just upsetting that I have to. Long term this is so demoralising and I feel like I've failed as a parent. At some level, I know I have coped with an awful lot, but I envy other parents their seemingly easy relationships with adult children. I'd love to be able to go out to the shops or seaside or something with her and not have this conflict.

[candymoon]

Sorry for your troubles with your daughter. It really is awful, especially when you don't actually know the why of things. Why is she being so mean? Why does she disrespect you? Why does she not come out with what's REALLY bothering her?

 

And no, it is not your fault. You did the best you could do and as long as you provided and didnt abuse or neglect her, you have nothing to feel apologetic for.

 

I know you are feeling at the end of your rope and have those fantasies about going out shopping with her. Just makes you feel more demoralized. I wish I could do those things with my mother too, but we have been on the outs for almost 15 years. I admit I was this way too with my mom, but we had a lot of water over the bridge during those times.

 

Even though her smarmy comments would upset or make you angry, do you think you coould set a date for such an event with your daughter? Something entertaining like a movie, concert, play, shopping... Don't ask questions about her life. Talk about general things...politics, the weather...and at a movie you can't talk much anyway, but at least you will be in each other's company. She will talk on her own and you could glean things from the information she offers....it's just a thought. It's totally understandable, though, if you feel you can't take anymore verbal (or non-verbal) assaults.

[Dooda]

It seems to me that your ex is encouraging her to talk to you in this way. I can feel that she would rather side with one then the other... but the way your ex is acting is no way any respectable man should.

She may be wrong to be treating you like this, but I feel your ex plays a big role in how she treats you.

Talk to him and tell him that you won't accept it.

If he says no, then you've done your part.

What she's doing is wrong, and you shouldn't have to accept it.

 

Candymoon says it right, there's something deep down that's really bothering her about her relationship with you. I don't know how you can deal with it, but for now, let it be, and give it some time... maybe things will get better.

[fooled once]

I'm feeling despairing tonight. My daughter is 23 and lives with her father. They get on OK. Every time I come into contact with my daughter, there are problems. I try to show an interest in her life and I'm genuinely enthusiastic and interested, but as soon as I ask her anything about the things she's been telling me about (which presumably she wants me to be interested in?) she gets sarcastic and patronising. It doesn't matter what the subject is, she can't answer a direct question, she has to apparently deflect it in some way by being sarcastic, saying "I've already told you that", or suggesting I'm stupid in some way for not understanding what she meant first time. As I don't know the background and it's new to me, of course I need to ask the odd question to get the whole picture. Apparently, I'm not allowed to do this. It's almost as if she tells me something and as soon as I'm interested, she pounces and makes me feel sorry I ever spoke to her. It's like some sort of stupid power game and I don't want to play it.

 

I've decided that I won't see her again. I can't take this rudeness and disrespect. It seems like passive aggression to me but my ex tends to back her up in her denigration of me, e.g. I'm stupid for not understanding, she did explain it before, and she isn't really being sarcastic.

 

It seems that every time my daughter and I have any contact, the same thing happens and it seems it always will. I can't deal with it. She denies she's treating me badly (my ex of course has his own motivations for what he does). I can't see anything I can do other than to opt out of this relationship altogether. I love her and want her to be happy but she's clearly not interested in having me in her life. I won't put up with being abused. This is not a solution I want, but a necessity if I'm not to feel entirely worthless.

 

I'm incredibly sad that I've lost my daughter, though I lost her a long time ago. My ex persists in encouraging her to treat me like this. I don't feel there is anyone I can talk to about it. My friends either assume it's just 'teenage' aggro and not as bad as I think or they suggest that cutting contact is ridiculous. They are wrong on both counts. As background, my daughter has always been very difficult and oppositional and just doing normal things with her has always been a trial. She has since been diagnosed with various problems such as ADD and mood swings. I don't have any problem communicating with other people and certainly don't receive this persistent verbal punishment that she thinks is OK. I don't want any contact with her now; I feel all is lost.

 

This whole thing seems so unfair. I've always had to be the breadwinner, the responsible one. I did my best to get the kids opportunities and things they wouldn't have had otherwise, even if it was only spending hours scouring charity shops for a dress for her when we had virtually nothing to live on. I had to work incredibly hard to cope with a young family and a job while my ex couldn't get round to the job side of things. He did very little to support me and it was an enormous struggle (one reason it didn't work out with him). But it seems he did the right thing and he's the wonderful guy apparently and I'm just stupid and annoying. I don't want to get into a competition with him because it's a pointless way to go but if he's not supporting me and correcting her when she talks to me like that, she's bound to think what she's doing is OK. Avoiding them seems to be the only solution but I feel so sad and hurt.

 

Other things in my life are not going brilliantly either as I haven't met anyone special though I really wanted to. I'm beginning to feel that walking into the sea might be a peaceful solution.

 

Sorry you are hurting.

 

I personally think maybe it is because she has been given so much, because she feel entitled and she hasn't been taught to be respectful. I am NOT knocking your parenting; we all do it differently.

 

Until she can speak to you respectfully, distance yourself from her. Let HER reach out to you; let her seek you out.

 

I don't think you have lost her for good - but it sounds like she has a lot of maturing to do. Just because she is physically 23 doesn't mean she is mentally, emotionally or have the maturity of a 23 year old.

 

When my son gets this way, I either hang up on him or I tell him he will not speak to me that way and I am done with the conversation. The first time I did it to him, he was stunned. I have to say, in the 3 years since that conversation, it has only happened once more

 

Give her time and space. Set your boundaries on how you will be treated and spoken too.

 

We cannot control how others act, but we can control how WE react to them.

 

GOOD LUCK and hang in there.

[DaisyLeigh]

I agree with the other poster. Tell her to knock it off.

 

This is not a teen. She is an adult and should behave as such. I was married and had been on my own for years, at her age. I did not speak to my mom that way and still don't.

[Tres]

I have smth similar with my son. I feel like he does not care for me much.

He does not want deep emotional contact with me. He does not tell me many things about his life and I feel that my calls and questions are sometimes annoying to him. Also, I do not have anyone special in my life as you do not have.

But, I have different philosophy on parenting. I think that everything wrong that happens to a child is his/her parents fault. I believe that I could be a better mother in some ways, giving him more love, time, attention and guadance when the time was right. I think that his behavior now is just modeling of my own behavior when he was a small child and, also, modeling of my behavior with my parents.

He is not rude with me at all but he is distant. I accept all things he does, try to be helpful, useful, forgiving. I also try to be sensitive to his feelings. If I sense that I hurt his feelings, I always say that I am very sorry and that I did not intend to hurt him. I always say that I am sorry because when I was in a child's shoes I wanted so much that my parents said it to me. My son sometimes says to me that I am a very wonderful mother but his behavior says the truth that I am not like that.

[PBO]

I was completely like your daughter at one point! My parents were divorced when I was 5. They tried their hardest I suppose to love us. The entire situation of divorce is no good for anyone really. At the time where I was assumed to be an adult my mother wanted to stay close to me and by talking to me,as I assume you do to your daughter.I just got belligerent with her like how your daughter is with you. You're right it's not fair to you. But it's not fair that you try to force what you think is the proper mother/daughter relationship on her when you forced the divorce on her as well. You need to accept that she might not want the closeness you want and that you might need to develope a sense of humor and make sarcastic remarks right back to her . She was forced to develope a thick skin from a broken family , you need to develope a thick skin to a broken child.

On a bright note!!! hehe

I am now in my 30s.I have been married and I now have 3 children of my own. My mother never lost faith that one day I would come around. we talk everyday and it's gotten extremely healthy I love her like a best friend. She has become less sensitive to my defensive sarcasm and my moodiness, and I have become more respectful. This is a dance we have perfected it didn't happen over night.

Don't lose faith! time is the bandaid

[DaisyLeigh]

I think that all parents could do better. None of us are perfect. But, when you are grown, it is time to stop blaming Mom and Dad, grow the hell up, and act like you have some sense.

[candymoon]

Yea, what Daisy said!

[spiderowl]

I really appreciate your comments and I'm thinking about them. It's the sarcastic, patronising tone I don't like with a determination to pick a hole in almost anything I say. I don't want these battles but it seems the more I avoid her, the more determined she is to pick a fight when I do see her. She is convinced that I'm causing the bad feeling but what usually happens is when she starts being sarcastic I tell her not to talk down to me or be disrespectful, then her interpretation is that I'm picking the fight. It all seems so unnecessary and when I see other parents with their fairly co-operative young adults, I wonder where I went wrong.

 

I do agree that my ex doesn't help in the slightest and backs her up all the time. For example, she'll tell me that I'm being annoying over some minor thing (like I didn't take the turn she pointed out because I was trying to avoid a pedestrian). I get fed up by the drip feed of sarcasm and criticism and tell her not to be disrespectful. My ex will chime in with "well, you were being rather silly there". I don't think my daughter can see what's happening, but then again maybe it's the way she wants it, for it to just to be him and her with me out of the picture.

 

The only way to avoid these entanglements with her seems to be to avoid her. She's actually driving me away so I don't contact her now unless there is a very good reason. I don't think I've done anything wrong but I can't seem to mend the situation either. She's charming to some of my friends so they can't understand why I'm apparently not getting on well with her. I'm sure they think I'm imagining it all. I do think she needs me but while she's driving me away I can't be there to support her.

[DaisyLeigh]

Like I said, don't take her **** anymore. I understand that you love your daughter and don't want to give it up, but for now, maybe that is exactly what you should do. As far as your ex, tell him to **** off and mind his own business.

 

Sounds like she and the ex are cut of the same cloth. Perhaps she should whine to HIM if she "needs" anything or anyone. Don't be so available to someone who treats you like ****.

[Tayla]

Have you tried to just do an activity together instead of "talking" so much. Sometimes we all need a break from getting to the *meat* of our concerns and just enjoy one anothers' company....Such as a treat out to a coffee shop or out for ice cream...Anything to get you from being in an environment where things can get tense and personal.

 

I'm trying here to understand how as a parent you internalize her remarks. They may be directed outwards yet you can also deflect them in a way that generates interest...Its called reverberating...Just echo back in a different tone what she says...Add humor to it! You'd be amazed how changing the tone and mannerism back to them can jolt them back to what the conversation was about. Yes as a parent you are also human and carry feelings but until both sides can find that medium level , its a balancing act ..

Be flexible and allow her to vent about things so long as its not below the belt...

[turnera]

I really appreciate your comments and I'm thinking about them. It's the sarcastic, patronising tone I don't like with a determination to pick a hole in almost anything I say. I don't want these battles but it seems the more I avoid her, the more determined she is to pick a fight when I do see her. She is convinced that I'm causing the bad feeling but what usually happens is when she starts being sarcastic I tell her not to talk down to me or be disrespectful, then her interpretation is that I'm picking the fight. It all seems so unnecessary and when I see other parents with their fairly co-operative young adults, I wonder where I went wrong.

 

I do agree that my ex doesn't help in the slightest and backs her up all the time. For example, she'll tell me that I'm being annoying over some minor thing (like I didn't take the turn she pointed out because I was trying to avoid a pedestrian). I get fed up by the drip feed of sarcasm and criticism and tell her not to be disrespectful. My ex will chime in with "well, you were being rather silly there". I don't think my daughter can see what's happening, but then again maybe it's the way she wants it, for it to just to be him and her with me out of the picture.

 

The only way to avoid these entanglements with her seems to be to avoid her. She's actually driving me away so I don't contact her now unless there is a very good reason. I don't think I've done anything wrong but I can't seem to mend the situation either. She's charming to some of my friends so they can't understand why I'm apparently not getting on well with her. I'm sure they think I'm imagining it all. I do think she needs me but while she's driving me away I can't be there to support her.

The thing is, YOU are the adult here; she's still a child mentally, and she has issues to work out and is searching for a way to do so at your expense. But you are supposed to be the one who is smarter, more mature, more wise, and harder to ruffle. No offense, but you're acting like a wounded teenager. If you stop letting it bother you, she'll stop doing it.

 

Next time she takes aim at you, just smile, pat her arm, and say 'Oh, that's a good one, honey! Where DO you come up with these things?' and go about your business.

 

Does it hurt? Of course it does. But by engaging in her games, you're giving them credence and teaching her that that's how she should deal with everyone. You have a chance here to teach her a better way to act - by your example of rising above the bait.