They refuse to understand me

[wierdmunky]

I'm lost again. Me and my parents have a stressed relationship but we keep the peace. I don't know if it's because inside they haven't forigiven me for what they did not like when I was younger, but it's like no matter what I try I can't fix the relationship. I Know I shouldn't give up, but I'm getting so discouraged. My mother sounds so hypocritical, and careless when it comes to issues about people and priciples, there really is no keeping up with her. She thinks I'm the reason why my dad is sick, and only happily talks to my sister.

 

My dad told me the other day that I should learn how to be a talkative girl. I wanted to scream because it's like whenever I DO talk to them, it's a dead end conversation, and they hardly respond to anything I have to say anyway. I'm tired of hearing their snidy comments about my personality and what kind of speaking/social skills I have and it rips me apart inside everytime I hear it. I already feel insecure about myself and being awkward... I can never be good enough for them. I keep trying even after all the crappy things they've said.

 

Today I was trying to tell a story at lunch, and both my parents just looked to their right up at the ceiling the whole time, and I could only talk to my sister. They do that all the time. They're so discouraging and after my sister leaves next week we will only have eachother. I don't know how to bridge the gap anymore in terms of communication. What else can I talk to them about so they can feel like I'm trying to have a relationship with them??? How can they constantly say negative things about my personality everyday, and not think it hurts my feelings. Wouldn't they know this about me already? It just feels like they are doing it on purpose now. It's impossible to confront them about it because they will turn it around on me.

 

It's hard enough having to muster up the courage to get over myself (insecurities) to talk to people and their friends at our church and to be friendly, but to have my own family think I'm that I'm also that incapable, knows I'm sensitive about it, and just "points at me" makes me feel like crap. I'm a grown woman, and I can't keep going this way trying to find their approval my whole life, never getting it, them always angry at my - I don't even know what they don't like about me - and saying that's the reason. I think they have just gotten so used to complaining and blaming it on other people. How do I get over the feeling that this is my fault?? I'm doing the best I can it feels like, but they are so stubborn sometimes. I know they have this hurt that they just want me to feel, and I can't make that go away for them.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Yeah my mother use to be the same way always degrading me its a hallmark of bad parenting skills prob handed down thu generations. I found when I stopped dealing with it/her all together hence stopped taking her calls stopped letting her drama hurt/affect me she came around fairly quickly.

 

People will only get away with what you are willing to accept after all my advice tell them how their behavior is affecting you. And tell them that until they can start treating you with respect then your not going to evolve them in your life.

 

I know its harsh but sometimes its the only way to drive the message home its not your fault so stop trying to "figure out how to make it work" thats not your job.

 

Their your parents there suppose to love and accept their children and give them positive encouragement/advice not treat them like outcasts take control trust me...

[Ronni_W]

I Know I shouldn't give up,

There's a universe of a difference between "giving up" and accepting that you can't change any relationship(s) all by yourself. The acceptance is about acknowledging/admitting to yourself that you don't have the power or control to "help" them or to "influence" them or to "force" them to make THEIR necessary changes.

 

Just cos they're blaming you and not taking responsibility for their own inaccurate beliefs and distorted perceptions does not mean that you are at fault in any way. It's fine to let yourself off the hook for their mistakes, shortcomings and misguided crap.

 

It's not "giving up" -- it's surrendering, with grace and dignity, to the reality of who/what these people are. As the prayer goes: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

 

Praying you serenity, courage and wisdom

[Dooda]

I'm lost again. Me and my parents have a stressed relationship but we keep the peace. I don't know if it's because inside they haven't forigiven me for what they did not like when I was younger, but it's like no matter what I try I can't fix the relationship. I Know I shouldn't give up, but I'm getting so discouraged. My mother sounds so hypocritical, and careless when it comes to issues about people and priciples, there really is no keeping up with her. She thinks I'm the reason why my dad is sick, and only happily talks to my sister.

 

My dad told me the other day that I should learn how to be a talkative girl. I wanted to scream because it's like whenever I DO talk to them, it's a dead end conversation, and they hardly respond to anything I have to say anyway. I'm tired of hearing their snidy comments about my personality and what kind of speaking/social skills I have and it rips me apart inside everytime I hear it. I already feel insecure about myself and being awkward... I can never be good enough for them. I keep trying even after all the crappy things they've said.

 

Today I was trying to tell a story at lunch, and both my parents just looked to their right up at the ceiling the whole time, and I could only talk to my sister. They do that all the time. They're so discouraging and after my sister leaves next week we will only have eachother. I don't know how to bridge the gap anymore in terms of communication. What else can I talk to them about so they can feel like I'm trying to have a relationship with them??? How can they constantly say negative things about my personality everyday, and not think it hurts my feelings. Wouldn't they know this about me already? It just feels like they are doing it on purpose now. It's impossible to confront them about it because they will turn it around on me.

 

It's hard enough having to muster up the courage to get over myself (insecurities) to talk to people and their friends at our church and to be friendly, but to have my own family think I'm that I'm also that incapable, knows I'm sensitive about it, and just "points at me" makes me feel like crap. I'm a grown woman, and I can't keep going this way trying to find their approval my whole life, never getting it, them always angry at my - I don't even know what they don't like about me - and saying that's the reason. I think they have just gotten so used to complaining and blaming it on other people. How do I get over the feeling that this is my fault?? I'm doing the best I can it feels like, but they are so stubborn sometimes. I know they have this hurt that they just want me to feel, and I can't make that go away for them.

 

God, I know how you feel. Always trying to make your parents happy, and there's always this and that that's wrong with you. They feel they have the right to say anything. They are always angry at you about something, and you always feel like you have to prove yourself to them, and that they are somehow disappointed in you. My dad would beat the **** out of me, then he would try and joke with me and say : "you don't know how to joke, do you?"

 

The fact was, I knew how to joke, I was a funny guy, just not with him.

Eventually, it got to my outside life and I started feeling very awkward, socially inept, etc..

 

I think you have to accept that your parents are not very good parents. It has to be said. Just because they're your parents doesn't necessarily mean they did a good job of it. Sure, they have some hurt inside, but that's up to them to deal with, not you.

You deal with your own problems and your own insecurities that they have burdened on you.

You don't have to tell them that they're not the greatest or most supportive parents, just know it and know that there is nothing you can do to save the relationship, because you have done all you can. Try to forgive yourself and forgive them, even though it sometimes seems, or they make it seem, like they need to forgive you. That is completely untrue.

 

"She thinks I'm the reason why my dad is sick, and only happily talks to my sister." That tells me enough.

 

Get on to your own life and worry about you.

[wierdmunky]

 

Praying you serenity, courage and wisdom

 

Thanks a lot

 

God, I know how you feel. Always trying to make your parents happy, and there's always this and that that's wrong with you. They feel they have the right to say anything. They are always angry at you about something, and you always feel like you have to prove yourself to them, and that they are somehow disappointed in you. My dad would beat the **** out of me, then he would try and joke with me and say : "you don't know how to joke, do you?"

 

The fact was, I knew how to joke, I was a funny guy, just not with him.

Eventually, it got to my outside life and I started feeling very awkward, socially inept, etc..

 

I think you have to accept that your parents are not very good parents. It has to be said. Just because they're your parents doesn't necessarily mean they did a good job of it. Sure, they have some hurt inside, but that's up to them to deal with, not you.

You deal with your own problems and your own insecurities that they have burdened on you.

You don't have to tell them that they're not the greatest or most supportive parents, just know it and know that there is nothing you can do to save the relationship, because you have done all you can. Try to forgive yourself and forgive them, even though it sometimes seems, or they make it seem, like they need to forgive you. That is completely untrue.

 

"She thinks I'm the reason why my dad is sick, and only happily talks to my sister." That tells me enough.

 

Get on to your own life and worry about you.

 

 

I am coming to a slow acceptance of who they are : / I'm in a little bit of denial. So sad. But thanks for the input, it makes me feel a little bit better. I guess what you say is true though. I even overheard my mom talking about one of our good friends who is doing AMAZING in H.S., getting college classes at the Art Institute during her entire summer, is part of her age groups' committee at church, and is very studious. If she keeps doing what she is doing, I'm sure she'll get into the college of her choice, but since she wants to major in journalism my moms still considers it, in her words, a "waste". It's comments like that, that make me rub my forehead.

[NamNam]

Yeah it sucks when they make irrational statements and comments. But hey, it is what it is, and they're not going to change for some time. So try not to fret over it too much if possible. I know it's difficult but keep trying to accept them for who they are.

 

All the best

[Dooda]

Yeah it sucks when they make irrational statements and comments. But hey, it is what it is, and they're not going to change for some time. So try not to fret over it too much if possible. I know it's difficult but keep trying to accept them for who they are.

 

All the best

 

Accept them for who they are, yet they are not able to accept their child as who he/she is? That doesn't make sense. Respect and acceptance have to go both ways, and if they don't, then it's not worth you having the distress of feeling bad, or feeling that you have to accept them for who they are.

 

Once again, move on to you, forget their problems and their inner "hurt" that they have been unable to deal with because THEY are cowards (not you), and you will feel so much better just knowing that there is nothing you can do.

I wish you all the best.

[NamNam]

Accept them for who they are, yet they are not able to accept their child as who he/she is? That doesn't make sense. Respect and acceptance have to go both ways, and if they don't, then it's not worth you having the distress of feeling bad, or feeling that you have to accept them for who they are.

 

Once again, move on to you, forget their problems and their inner "hurt" that they have been unable to deal with because THEY are cowards (not you), and you will feel so much better just knowing that there is nothing you can do.

I wish you all the best.

 

It's being pragmatic and understanding. If you can influence and change people's minds and attitudes for the better, then by all means, do so.

 

But some minds are very strong in their resistance to change. Unfortunately that is something one has to accept I think.

 

If you looked at my thread, in my case, I'm trying very hard to persuade my parents I want to live my life the way I see fit. Yet they still want to disagree and continue to give me grief. I've tried to do my part but there's very little else I can do. Now I just got to learn to accept that and move on.

 

I still love them very much and I still highly respect them even they don't respect my decisions. And that's because I can understand their POV, understanding doesn't necessarily mean to agree either. Now it's gone past the point of anger and despair but rather sympathy, compassion, and love for them. Because it's their views that are making them unhappy, whereas I am at peace with myself.