Affairs in the beginning of relationship

[Butchannon]

If your partner would have affairs early in your relationship would you forgive easier compared to affairs which were later or ongoing?

[cookie2]

I would not forgive affairs no matter when they occurred. If they are earlier then it is easier to walk away.

[Butchannon]

I would not forgive affairs no matter when they occurred. If they are earlier then it is easier to walk away.

 

I thought if they were earlier but you only recently found out about them.

[YellowShark]

Affairs are a deal-breaker no matter when they occur. Why open your heart to someone, become vulnerable, and then have them stomp on your heart and crush you?

 

I gave my EX-of-seven-years one free pass when she had an EA with a coworker, we did the counselling thing, set boundaries, made promises to each other... and then a couple years later she did it all over again with a different guy.

 

She is now gone, and the next time NO FREE PASSES.

[BeagleGal]

With my recent breakup, I only found he was having an affair/cheating AFTER he dumped me and a coworker let me in on the scoop as to why he really left. Had I found out while I was still with him, I would have walked as well. It wouldn't have been easy just b/c I really did love my ex and invested so much of myself but I would have had to leave. Sticking around would have sent the message that I've let him "get away with it"

Relationships are based on trust. You hear it all the time but its so true.

[Disintegration]

Cheating is wrong no matter when it occures. If it were in the beginning of a relationship it's starts out that you can't trust them from then on. They maye have a pattern of cheating. If they do it later in the relationship you have more invested and may make it more difficult to leave.

 

If they cheated and kept it a secret from you for years on end I think that is the worst because they continually lied to you and determined the outcome of your relationship/life for you without you knowing or having a say in the matter.

 

I personally couldn't forgive a cheater. The constant reminder of their deceit and betrayal would become too much to bare.

[Confused4Now]

With my recent breakup, I only found he was having an affair/cheating AFTER he dumped me and a coworker let me in on the scoop as to why he really left. Had I found out while I was still with him, I would have walked as well. It wouldn't have been easy just b/c I really did love my ex and invested so much of myself but I would have had to leave. Sticking around would have sent the message that I've let him "get away with it"

Relationships are based on trust. You hear it all the time but its so true.

If it happens early on thank your lucky stars you didn't invest that much into the relationship. Actually if it did happen to me I'd rather be dumped....as if I found out and they strung me along I'd hate to think they were cake eating....screw that. Cake eaters are far worse IMO.

[BeagleGal]

Unfortunately,didnt happen early on, his cheating happened towards the end after 2 years together and living together as well (**when the hell did he have time to see her??**)

He is a total cake eater. BEFORE I found out what was really going on, he told me that he would even consider living apart but still be in a relationship with me. All the while already involved with new girl and her being pregnant already. Had I gone along with it and not been told of the damage he's done, he would have had the both of us even longer. And even after I confronted him with what I had found out, he still lied about it, didn't admit to what was going on and still tried to "get back on my good side".

His friend (mutual friend) told me that I was better off as it sounded like my ex wants to have an affair with me, hence, his contact with me.

 

But yeah, cake eaters.... augh...

 

If it happens early on thank your lucky stars you didn't invest that much into the relationship. Actually if it did happen to me I'd rather be dumped....as if I found out and they strung me along I'd hate to think they were cake eating....screw that. Cake eaters are far worse IMO.

[Butchannon]

I think affairs in the beginning are even more difficult because the beginning of relationship suppose to be the nicest time in whole relationship. You suppose to be all in love, butterflies,...

 

What do you think?

[pureinheart]

Affairs are a deal-breaker no matter when they occur. Why open your heart to someone, become vulnerable, and then have them stomp on your heart and crush you?

 

I gave my EX-of-seven-years one free pass when she had an EA with a coworker, we did the counselling thing, set boundaries, made promises to each other... and then a couple years later she did it all over again with a different guy.

 

She is now gone, and the next time NO FREE PASSES.

 

Hi Yellow,

 

Not making light of your sitch, although had to comment...also am not saying you are arrogant either.

 

My ex-fiance was about as arrogant as one could get, he was extremely good looking and knew it. After 10 years of off and on (flip-flopping I guess you could say) it turned into a LDR and we got back together to try to make it work for real this time.

 

I went through an extremely difficult time and he was becoming his typical assh*** self...so I basically fell of of the face of the earth for a couple of days...he called and I didn't call right back...I explained the sitch and he sends me an email saying that I get one free F-Up card, and that I just used it.

 

I saw your post and it reminded me of that...please no offence Yellow.

 

A's are the deal breaker for me also, if my H wants to be with another, I will help them pack even. If my SO wants a different R, there is no need to help them pack because I don't do the living together thing, although I won't talk to them again on that level.

Edited August 16, 2010 by pureinheart

[piscis]

If it happens early on thank your lucky stars you didn't invest that much into the relationship. Actually if it did happen to me I'd rather be dumped....as if I found out and they strung me along I'd hate to think they were cake eating....screw that. Cake eaters are far worse IMO.

 

I could not agree more with you C4Now.

People show you who they are.

sometime we refuse to see it or hope they will change.

forget the investment of time but the investment of feelings, plans, dreams which are IMO the most difficult part of letting go.

[cookie2]

I think affairs in the beginning are even more difficult because the beginning of relationship suppose to be the nicest time in whole relationship. You suppose to be all in love, butterflies,...

 

What do you think?

Nope I think you're wrong. If you're not in love later on in the relationship then it's time to move on anyway. If it happens earlier then you haven't wasted so much of your life on that person.

[BeagleGal]

piscis: that's right. that's one of the things that hurts the most and one of the hardest to let go of. Here we are making plans for the future like renovating the house we had, selling it to buy a bigger one, taking more trips together, working towards retiring abroad, marriage, etc. These were things we both planned, not just me. He made it seem that we both wanted the same things and were on the same page.

Then this. Unreal!

 

forget the investment of time but the investment of feelings, plans, dreams which are IMO the most difficult part of letting go.

[Butchannon]

Nope I think you're wrong. If you're not in love later on in the relationship then it's time to move on anyway. If it happens earlier then you haven't wasted so much of your life on that person.

 

But what if you found out about that a lot of time later when you are married or with children?

[BeagleGal]

If it were me personally, and I found out later being married or with kids... that would just make me question the entire relationship and wonder if there had been more affairs or if the one I found out about was still continuing.

The best thing to do if you find yourself in a relationship and want to stray from it is to just end it and be honest with your partner. I think that's the decent thing to do. No good comes from stringing someone along, in fact, its cowardly.

 

But what if you found out about that a lot of time later when you are married or with children?

[Disintegration]

If it were me personally, and I found out later being married or with kids... that would just make me question the entire relationship and wonder if there had been more affairs or if the one I found out about was still continuing.

The best thing to do if you find yourself in a relationship and want to stray from it is to just end it and be honest with your partner. I think that's the decent thing to do. No good comes from stringing someone along, in fact, its cowardly.

 

I agree with everything you wrote.

 

 

Finding out/confessing sometime after marriage and children makes the situation even more devastating.

[piscis]

If it were me personally, and I found out later being married or with kids... that would just make me question the entire relationship and wonder if there had been more affairs or if the one I found out about was still continuing.

The best thing to do if you find yourself in a relationship and want to stray from it is to just end it and be honest with your partner. I think that's the decent thing to do. No good comes from stringing someone along, in fact, its cowardly.

 

I completly agree I would feel like all the R was a big lie.

[Butchannon]

I completly agree I would feel like all the R was a big lie.

 

I told my GF to leave just because of that even we had a child together. Her parents think that her cheating is not a big deal because it was in the beginning before we had a child and they have given me silent treatment since then when I am on our child's visitations.

[BeagleGal]

Tell her parents to take a hike. Let them give you the silent treatment. Just worry about your child. Is there any way you can take her to court for full custody?

Anyways, the point is she's a cheater, her behavior is VILE and you need to now focus on yourself and your child.

 

 

I told my GF to leave just because of that even we had a child together. Her parents think that her cheating is not a big deal because it was in the beginning before we had a child and they have given me silent treatment since then when I am on our child's visitations.

[Butchannon]

Tell her parents to take a hike. Let them give you the silent treatment. Just worry about your child. Is there any way you can take her to court for full custody?

Anyways, the point is she's a cheater, her behavior is VILE and you need to now focus on yourself and your child.

 

It would be very hard to get even joint custody since she is a mother and it is very difficult for father in our country to get his child for more than one weekend in two weeks period.

[YellowShark]

Hi Yellow,

 

Not making light of your sitch, although had to comment...also am not saying you are arrogant either.

 

No offence taken.

 

My ex-fiance was about as arrogant as one could get, he was extremely good looking and knew it. After 10 years of off and on (flip-flopping I guess you could say) it turned into a LDR and we got back together to try to make it work for real this time.

 

I went through an extremely difficult time and he was becoming his typical assh*** self...so I basically fell of of the face of the earth for a couple of days...he called and I didn't call right back...I explained the sitch and he sends me an email saying that I get one free F-Up card, and that I just used it.

 

I saw my EX's EA as a lapse in judgement. And I am always willing to give anyone I love a second chance. I did the right thing, we went to MC together, we set boundaries, and we made promises to each other. Sadly she threw all that kindness and understanding out the window and did it again. So I've learned that - for me - cheating once is now a red flag/character flaw that I am not willing to tolerate in my next relationship.

[BeagleGal]

Amen to that!

 

so i've learned that - for me - cheating once is now a red flag/character flaw that i am not willing to tolerate in my next relationship.

[Distant78]

If your partner would have affairs early in your relationship would you forgive easier compared to affairs which were later or ongoing?

 

My ex had an affair during our first year of marriage. I tried to put up with it, but the whole affair and marriage was just irking me so I had to cut her off. So my answer would be no for whatever time they occur because no matter when, where, or how, it is still very painful, and there are no excuses for it in my book.

[Butchannon]

Do you find inappropriate if you tell your significant other/spouse to leave when you find out about past affairs in the beginning of relationship and you have a child together now but you don't know if it is yours?

 

Is it appropriate setting of boundaries or it is too hard?