Husband perving

[brenbren]

Hi,

How do I act when my husband of 7 years perves. He doesn't hide it he has suprised me with it recently, I didn't think he looked that much.

He was driving past a hairdressers and he paused and looked and told me theres a cute blonde in there. eg a young neighbour he perves at alot. He has been having a conversation with me and he has been distracted and stopped midsentence to look.

Do I just laugh and shrug it off or have a word and tell him it makes me feel insecure and inadequete.

Give me some great hints on how to cope, I know you men all say its just in us to look but with a bit of thought.

Looking forward to your replies.

[midori]

I'm not familiar with the term "perving" but I'm going to reply with the assumption that it means something like "leer in an obvious and absorbed manner."

 

First of all, while I have no problem knowing that men turn their heads at attractive women, even when happily committed to someone else, I think it's rude to foist their distraction onto their partner. A glance, which if you were hypervigilant you'd pick up on but is really quite discreet, is one thing, but it sounds like your husband's going way beyond that. He's not allowing you to ignore his distraction. What's up with that?

 

Another thing that I'd find disturbing is that (if I've read you correctly) he's fixated on one young woman in particular, and has even gone so far as to talk about her to you. Again, what's up with that?

 

In the general scheme, if my boyfriend goofed and got too distracted by another woman while in my company, I'd probably see some humor in it, and say something like, "yes, that's a mighty fine-looking woman. Thanks for pointing her out to me, I might have missed her otherwise. Anyway, getting back to what you were saying to the woman beside you...." or something like that. I would see humor in it, because I would assume (rightly I hope) that bf's distraction was unintentional, like muttering aloud a comment to yourself in front of someone you hadn't meant to speak to.

 

I find it a bit difficult to believe that there is no intention in your husband's recent behavior. Even if there's no overt intention to hurt your feelings, there is a lot of self-absorbtion and lack of consideration for you. Where is that coming from? Is that how he is generally? I wouldn't find that acceptable, but different people can put up with different things.

 

If the selfishness and lack of consideration your husband has been demonstrating are uncharacteristic, I think you should have a frank talk with him. Ask him if he's been aware of what he's been doing, and if he's aware of how insulting it is. On the other hand, if it's within his normal range of behavior and is just a new twist, well... you married him... you must see redeeeming qualities in him, right? If his general selfishness & lack of consideration are tolerable to you but the perving specifically is not okay, maybe you could put it to him like that. But would he care?

[morrigan]

He might not realize he's hurting your feelings when he does this, or he might not care. It's hard to determine. Has he always done this, even when you were dating? He figures, by seven years, that you don't care what he says. Most people look at other attractive people, but he's not even trying to do it on the sly.

 

I would tell him that it's getting rude and tiring to hear him talk about this girl. If he keeps saying this stuff, you're either going to have to put up with it or come back with comments of your own. Start another conversation when he's discussing one of these girls. Or say something like,"Aren't you a little old to be a Peeping Tom?" See what his reaction would be if you pointed out a good looking man and rhapsodized on about him in front of your husband.