Manage the doubts

[Herman]

Thank you folks for all the comments and words of wisdom.

Just wish I could fast-forward a few weeks / months :-)

[Steadfast]

 

There'd be nothing to gain from hiding it anyway, it would simply make my decisions a lot easier.

 

 

Seems to me you just answered your own question Herman. If it's true and if you found out, she'd have decisions made that she's not ready to make.

 

Look at it this way, in my case, there was another man...more than one actually, but I digress. These men weren't the problem. My ex was (and is) a very attractive woman; plenty of willing partners available. She was the problem Herman, at least as far as our marriage went. The OM was a handy prop, used as an emotional hammer to beat our relationship to death. It worked too...a little too well. I didn't react like she expected.

 

I let her go. She didn't come back. She says she loves me. She doesn't.

 

Poll 20 people on this or any other site, and 99.9% of them will still have some sort of feelings for their ex. You can't turn it off. What you can do however, is take a healthy approach by looking at the situation with your head, not your heart. No matter what she, her family, or her friends say, if she's not cuddling up with you when the lights are dropped she doesn't want to. Judge your wife -and everyone else- by what they do, not what they say. It hurts when you realize love has left, but take some solace in knowing that true love does not go away. Imitation love, the kind of love where one partner expects the other to sustain their happiness, will always fail. Lies, no matter how smooth and believable, eventually are exposed.

 

Judge her by what she does Herman. Not what she says, and not by what you heart is telling you. What she does is what she wants. Are you there?

[witabix]

Judge your wife -and everyone else- by what they do, not what they say.

 

Steadfast hit the nail on the head. Some people find it easy to say what they think you are expecting to hear, it is the action of a person that more closely echoes their intentions.

[Herman]

I've a had a few good conversations with the wife in the past days, and she seems sincere about working through her issues and at least getting her head back on straight. Obviously that doesn't guarantee that the feelings will return, or that we end up back together - but she is working on it and taking it seriously.

 

For myself, I've come to the realization that even though I don't have a lot of hope now, I need to give this thing some time before I can walk away. In order to look at myself in the mirror in months down the road and not be eaten by doubts, I have to be able to tell myself that I gave it a fair chance.

 

Two weeks aren't enough to give me that feeling yet, and I have no idea how long it will take. But as my therapist assures me: I will know when the time has come.

[witabix]

I need to give this thing some time before I can walk away. In order to look at myself in the mirror in months down the road and not be eaten by doubts, I have to be able to tell myself that I gave it a fair chance.

 

Two weeks aren't enough to give me that feeling yet, and I have no idea how long it will take. But as my therapist assures me: I will know when the time has come.

 

I think this is very sensible and the right thing to do, you must feel in your own heart that you gave a fair chance, absolutely correct in my view.

[Herman]

The wife has finally admitted to herself that she's dealing with a depression, and she's getting bloodwork done to check hormone levels. She continues to see her therapist weekly, and I've heard good things about the lady.

 

We're talking, mostly events of the day, but deeper discussions too.

 

We also keep telling ourselves to be patient, no divorce talk for at least a few months.

 

I see all of these things as encouraging - but why is still so easy to throw a pity-party for myself?