self-conscious girlfriend

[Larry in CA]

hi. maybe somebody can help me. my girlfriend is a bit overweight, but not fat. i am definitely in love with her, and i think she looks very nice. some guys like anorexic model types, but i prefer that there be something there to hold on to. we've been going out for 7 and a half months, and she's been self-conscious the whole time. she is upset with her body and her weight. i am an athletic type. but lately she's been so upset with herself that it's bringing me down a bit and i am afraid to exercise because i think it will upset her that i can stay so fit. it makes me feel less good about me when i feel guilty to do what i like (tennis and some lifting) and i gained a little weight as a result. nothing major but still... she almost makes it seem like a girl's weight should be a factor in how people mate. i don't believe that, but she's conveying that idea to me without intending to. i know why she has her shape, because she eats crap and doesn't exercise! she doesn't over eat, she just eats fatty foods. and she doesn't do too much physical activity. how do i tell her what she has to do without upsetting her? i don't want her to do it for me (i love her anyway and i am happy with how she looks). i want her to do it for her. i really do. she sees how i eat relatively healthy and she does do some physical things with me. i want to tell her exactly what she has to do to accomplish what she wants. but i don't want to upset her and make her mad at me and even more self-conscious because she'll think that's what i want. i love her because of who she is. and i am very attracted to her physically and she knows it. obviously we never get our exact dream girl in terms of looks (she'd be perfect just a tiny bit thinner), but she has what i want on the inside and i am very sexually attracted to her as an added bonus. i want her and i to last, but it will be difficult if she is always complaining about her looks. we both love eachother, but complete love leading to marriage only happens when both people love themselves, right?

 

-larry-

[Tony T]

First of all, don't change your exercise regimen to please this girl or any other person. Continue to eat healthy and work out as you deem appropriate for your health and to maintain your physique.

 

You need to talk to her. You may be attracted to her now, but as she ages and her metabolism slows down, she will still have the same eating habits and she will eventually become obese. You say you love her but let me tell you, it is very difficult to be attracted to a 300 pound babe. You may continue to love her but your life will change in many amazing ways and you will not like it.

 

If she can't develop long term habits that will enable her to shed pounds and keep it off, talk to a professional about the direction she is going in and get an idea of where she will be in five years or so. You won't like the picture.

 

You can't force her to make changes in her life. If she is comfortable with her lifestyle, eating habits, etc. and doesn't care about herself, her health or longevity, then you have some serious reconsiderations to take up with yourself concerning this relationship.

 

Furthermore, any woman who would make you feel guilty for working on your health and improving yourself does not love you, is not on your team, and is NOT worth being around. Unless she changes her attitude very quickly, you will have to consider other options for your life. It is especially sick for someone you are dating to make you feel reserved about staying in shape for fear you'll upset her. Are you seeing this picture??????????????

 

You have no power to hurt her feelings. She can only make the decision to be hurt. If she is too lazy to exercise and lacks the will power to control her eating of sweets and other fatty foods, the two of you have a compatibility issue here that will only worsen with time. Resolve this soon. But whatever you do, stay on your fitness program, stay healthy, and live a long and prosperous life with or without this lady.

[...]

hi. maybe somebody can help me. my girlfriend is a bit overweight, but not fat. i am definitely in love with her, and i think she looks very nice. some guys like anorexic model types, but i prefer that there be something there to hold on to. we've been going out for 7 and a half months, and she's been self-conscious the whole time. she is upset with her body and her weight. i am an athletic type. but lately she's been so upset with herself that it's bringing me down a bit and i am afraid to exercise because i think it will upset her that i can stay so fit. it makes me feel less good about me when i feel guilty to do what i like (tennis and some lifting) and i gained a little weight as a result. nothing major but still... she almost makes it seem like a girl's weight should be a factor in how people mate. i don't believe that, but she's conveying that idea to me without intending to. i know why she has her shape, because she eats crap and doesn't exercise! she doesn't over eat, she just eats fatty foods. and she doesn't do too much physical activity. how do i tell her what she has to do without upsetting her? i don't want her to do it for me (i love her anyway and i am happy with how she looks). i want her to do it for her. i really do. she sees how i eat relatively healthy and she does do some physical things with me. i want to tell her exactly what she has to do to accomplish what she wants. but i don't want to upset her and make her mad at me and even more self-conscious because she'll think that's what i want. i love her because of who she is. and i am very attracted to her physically and she knows it. obviously we never get our exact dream girl in terms of looks (she'd be perfect just a tiny bit thinner), but she has what i want on the inside and i am very sexually attracted to her as an added bonus. i want her and i to last, but it will be difficult if she is always complaining about her looks. we both love eachother, but complete love leading to marriage only happens when both people love themselves, right? -larry-

[quankanne]

Ouch, Tony, sounds like those staples you've been pulling outta bellybuttons are being used for heavy chick target practice …

 

My take as a chunky monkey? I agree with Tony's advise to not give up your personal health regimen. Only YOU can keep you healthy. And do talk to her … is she down on herself because she sets unrealistic goals then fails to meet them, or is she complaining just to make you feel sorry for her?

 

If she really does want to do something to help herself, gentle persuasion is the best. Or point out that there are a lot of fun ways to exercise that don't feel like *exercise* -- my husband was 100 percent behind me when I signed up for the first of three months of belly dance classes. I have absolutely no rhythm and I look funny trying to look sensual, but you know what? My attitude about exercise changed because of that class. I was in a group of women my age and older (30+) and this class focused more on stretch and yoga than trying to look hot. I can't say I dropped weight, but I did start seeing improvement in some areas of my body. But most importantly, it helped me feel good about myself even if I was still a chunky little monkey! Just encourage her to look around for something that she could enjoy doing, and gradually introduce her to a better diet. (Mint gum is wonderful for fighting off sugar/junk food cravings!)

 

Good luck with your girlfriend,

 

jo anne