Long distance friend with benefits???

[sman77]

I didn't know whether to put this in here or "Long Distance Relationships" so I hope this will do. I am looking for advice on how to deal with a situation I find myself tangled in, a peculiar one.

 

I met her through a friend, and she was dating him at the time. As time passed, she dumped him for being needy and clingy in spite their distance from each other. The two went to different schools far from each other, but not far enough to convince either of the futility of trying to salvage their relationship.

 

This is the kind of girl I could fall in love with. Attractive physically, almost too attractive for me, and even so attractive that I find myself flustered as she gets approached constantly by other guys at parties, I was instantly drawn to her. A few drunken make out sessions led to sober sex. And romantic "dates." But we were never officially dating, and our relationship was mainly secretive, as we were hesitant to offend our friend, her ex boyfriend. So we were friends with benefits, or undercover lovers, or whatever you could call it.

 

She's leaving soon, off to school, and I won't see her for several months. Both of us are avoiding commitment to each other, but I still have feelings for her, albeit subtle and manageable ones. I would like to keep her as a prospect for the future, as we will see each other again, but my main problem lies within the following months.

 

How often do I contact her? Do I wait for her to contact me? I don't want to appear needy like her ex, but I don't want her to forget about me, or about us. I know I can hardly change a girl's attraction towards me, but is there anyway I can direct the relationship from friends with benefits to something more stable, especially from afar?

 

I'm thinking I shouldn't contact her after she leaves. I'll let her contact me. I'll let us re-enact the initial chase of our blossoming relationship. This was the first girl I feel like I actually played all of my cards correctly with. I was patient enough to land the girl of my dreams, but how can I keep her from so far away?

[O'Malley]

Why are you avoiding commitment? Is there a reason you haven't discussed seeing where a dating relationship might lead?

 

I know I can hardly change a girl's attraction towards me, but is there anyway I can direct the relationship from friends with benefits to something more stable, especially from afar?

 

Who currently initiates most of the contact? If it is you, back off from contacting her as often; the trick is to make miss what she enjoyed about you. If you do talk, let her see you at your best -- the characteristics that made her enjoy talking to you.

 

However, I think it's going to be highly difficult to transition a fwb into an actual relationship when a) there is physical distance involved, b) she wanted to keep her interactions with you hidden and c) if she makes no mention of maintaining contact/making plans to hang out after she leaves.

[sman77]

Why are you avoiding commitment? Is there a reason you haven't discussed seeing where a dating relationship might lead?

 

 

 

Who currently initiates most of the contact? If it is you, back off from contacting her as often; the trick is to make miss what she enjoyed about you. If you do talk, let her see you at your best -- the characteristics that made her enjoy talking to you.

 

However, I think it's going to be highly difficult to transition a fwb into an actual relationship when a) there is physical distance involved, b) she wanted to keep her interactions with you hidden and c) if she makes no mention of maintaining contact/making plans to hang out after she leaves.

 

I think we were both avoiding commitment because we knew we were heading to different places after summer and wouldn't see each other for awhile. And I also think she is hesitating to fully commit to one person for some reason I do not know. Maybe she isn't looking for a serious relationship just quite yet.

 

At the beginning of our relationship, I would let her initiate contact most of the time, but it evened out as time went on. I almost always end the conversation first before it becomes dull though.

 

I also think it may be too difficult to transition this into a relationship at this point, but out of curiosity... which do you think would increase her attraction to me more: Me ignoring her for awhile and letting her chase me again, as I hope she would soon miss me, or me continuing to pursue her as if nothing has changed between us?

 

I can't decide whether she would be more attracted by the "hard to get" game again, or if she would be more pleased by my affection even if it is from far away.

 

What do you think?

[sman77]

Ok so I need to vent here now because I don't know where else I can, and I can't hold it in any longer.

 

Ladies, can you go on a bunch of romantic dates with a guy who makes you laugh all the time, and not feel ANY emotional attachment to him? Even if you have sex with him several times a week? The way this girl is playing me makes me feel like she's an emotionally numb robot. She called me from school and eventually talks about trying to find cute boys around campus; why would she say this to me? Doesn't she know it eats away at my ego? What is the motivation behind this? I thought we were past playing games but I guess not. Or maybe she really is trying to find boys...

 

How do I even react to a statement like that?

 

"Good luck, have fun..." ?!

 

I just can't believe how someone can get so close to a person and turn it off like a light switch.

 

Help?

[carhill]

Ladies, can you go on a bunch of romantic dates with a guy who makes you laugh all the time, and not feel ANY emotional attachment to him? Even if you have sex with him several times a week?

OP, this one person is like that. She's *one* person. The answer is YES, she CAN. And she IS. You have no control over that. It makes you feel like cr@p. Own that cr@p. Act on it in a healthy way. What are you going to DO?

 

OP, do your feelings about things in life change from one day to the next? One hour to the next? One minute to the next? I'd kill for some sour gummy worms right about now. I think I'll go to the store Tomorrow, I might like Smarties instead. So, are you the gummy worms or the smarties? That's how *some* women handle men and relationships. When I'm enjoying the smarties, the gummy worms aren't even in my universe. It's smarties all the way.

 

I look at your title and it suggests FWB. The switch from A to B is consistent with no emotional attachment or no emotional center at all.

 

One tip: If, in the future, faced with this circumstance, and if the 'friend' is not one in your inner circle of male friends (whose former girlfriends/wives you obviously wouldn't date or have sex with), proceed publicly with your expression of interest. No 'covert ops'. Either your *officially dating* or you're outta there. This presumes you wish to *date* a woman and have a *relationship* with a woman.

 

Her most recent statements have you reduced to girlfriend with penis status. Time to go, IMO.

[sman77]

OP, this one person is like that. She's *one* person. The answer is YES, she CAN. And she IS. You have no control over that. It makes you feel like cr@p. Own that cr@p. Act on it in a healthy way. What are you going to DO?

 

OP, do your feelings about things in life change from one day to the next? One hour to the next? One minute to the next? I'd kill for some sour gummy worms right about now. I think I'll go to the store Tomorrow, I might like Smarties instead. So, are you the gummy worms or the smarties? That's how *some* women handle men and relationships. When I'm enjoying the smarties, the gummy worms aren't even in my universe. It's smarties all the way.

 

I look at your title and it suggests FWB. The switch from A to B is consistent with no emotional attachment or no emotional center at all.

 

One tip: If, in the future, faced with this circumstance, and if the 'friend' is not one in your inner circle of male friends (whose former girlfriends/wives you obviously wouldn't date or have sex with), proceed publicly with your expression of interest. No 'covert ops'. Either your *officially dating* or you're outta there. This presumes you wish to *date* a woman and have a *relationship* with a woman.

 

Her most recent statements have you reduced to girlfriend with penis status. Time to go, IMO.

 

Everything you've said makes sense; it's just going to be hard to accept it emotionally as well as intellectually. In the past, it wasn't completely secretive. Our friends knew we had a thing, but they never really knew the extent of it, and I don't think they know we were having sex. So I would hold hands with her and even make out with her sometimes even if I knew our friends would see or find out.

 

But how do I proceed from here? I want to move on from her, at least emotionally. Do I stop contact with her? Or do I keep letting her call and text me?

 

The thing is that this is more complex than I even thought. Before she left we made plans to see each other over our breaks from school in a few months. Is this just a way to keep me coming back to her?

 

Should I ignore her? Or if I do talk to her, how should I?

 

I hate feeling like this

[carhill]

It's not really complex, but seems that way. It did to me to at your age, hell far beyond your age. The key is I didn't *learn* from those experiences like I should have, so repeated them.

 

Short story.... many years ago, I said a formal goodbye, not in anger, but out of love, to someone I loved very much. I said 'I have to let you go'; those precise words. I was the OM. No anger, no calling her a b!tch, just goodbye. Here's where I didn't learn the lesson. Many years later, we came in contact again (I initiated); when the subject of our last interaction came up, I asked her why she never looked me up, after her marriage ended, she said 'I thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore'.

 

Oh, that was good. Sucked me right back in. Why? Because I was *stupid*, not ignorant. I was married. I knew the dynamics with women. But, this one woman had a hold over me, purely by my own doing. I couldn't see that it was just an interesting puzzle to her, like it always had been. It would take MC for me to see that.

 

I hope you can benefit from the experiences of others. This lady might be a fantastic lady. I thought the one who held my soul longer than you've been alive was one. I learned. So can you. The first step is acceptance. *Accept* how things are now. *Accept* your feelings. *Accept* that you have no control over her, her words and her actions. *Do* what is healthy for *you*.

 

Say goodbye - 'Best wishes at school' or whatever, but don't elaborate more than that. At best, she's a female friend who talks to you about other guys. Good on her. She gets a goodbye like any friend would. Then life goes on and you meet other attractive young ladies and the gummy worms of today are left behind for the smarties of tomorrow.

[sman77]

It's not really complex, but seems that way. It did to me to at your age, hell far beyond your age. The key is I didn't *learn* from those experiences like I should have, so repeated them.

 

Short story.... many years ago, I said a formal goodbye, not in anger, but out of love, to someone I loved very much. I said 'I have to let you go'; those precise words. I was the OM. No anger, no calling her a b!tch, just goodbye. Here's where I didn't learn the lesson. Many years later, we came in contact again (I initiated); when the subject of our last interaction came up, I asked her why she never looked me up, after her marriage ended, she said 'I thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore'.

 

Oh, that was good. Sucked me right back in. Why? Because I was *stupid*, not ignorant. I was married. I knew the dynamics with women. But, this one woman had a hold over me, purely by my own doing. I couldn't see that it was just an interesting puzzle to her, like it always had been. It would take MC for me to see that.

 

I hope you can benefit from the experiences of others. This lady might be a fantastic lady. I thought the one who held my soul longer than you've been alive was one. I learned. So can you. The first step is acceptance. *Accept* how things are now. *Accept* your feelings. *Accept* that you have no control over her, her words and her actions. *Do* what is healthy for *you*.

 

Say goodbye - 'Best wishes at school' or whatever, but don't elaborate more than that. At best, she's a female friend who talks to you about other guys. Good on her. She gets a goodbye like any friend would. Then life goes on and you meet other attractive young ladies and the gummy worms of today are left behind for the smarties of tomorrow.

 

Thank you for this, I really do appreciate it. I can't believe I'm getting teary eyed writing this realizing I can't win her heart right now. I care about this one "friend with benefits" infinitely more than the other girls I have officially dated for way longer. That's the part that really confuses me right now.

 

I just need to clear my head. I appreciate your advice. I will try to take it to heart.

[sman77]

She drunk texts me sometimes, but she doesn't really call or try to talk to me when she's sober. Does this just prove that she really doesn't care? And how should I respond to this? Ignore her? I still care about her a lot.