Affair discovered...can this work?

[Trainwreck83]

I was married less than a year when I left my emotionally, verbally and somewhat physically abusive h. He was also a liar with a p*rn problem that he hid from me. But he was an amazing care taker and he gave me a really great life with the exception of those other things. We separated and within a month I started having an affair with my boss. He was very caring about my situation, a TON of fun, and the most attractive person I have ever laid my eyes on. I quit my job so we didn't get in trouble with corporate hr. Everytime I would try to go home to my h he would deny the abuse and a lot of those nights the abuse was worse. It's important to note I've never sustained any injuries to speak of. Anyway...you can imagine how this drew me closer to my OM...he took care of me. I started living with om because it was the only house in the area that I knew h would never find (he drove around looking for me all the time.) I started hearing from om and friends that I was crazy for going home each time because I would show back up crying because h had done something. But for some reason I couldn't let go yet and d, so I started lying to om because I was afraid if I didn't hurry up he would leave me' and I really wanted us to work--he's my best friend and I love him. I was also lying to h--he had no idea about the a. He wanted to reconcile and said he'd change, and my parents thought he deserved another chance also. So 8 months go by and I find myself more and more paralyzed everyday in my decision and the lies snowballed because I was trying to buy time. I wish now I had told om that I want to see where this goes but I have to take care of my homelife first and not started anything until after the d. Om knows me so well. He knew I was lying. He called me out to h, then told me I broke his heart and left. In front of both of then I chose om. H also left. I deserve it. I feel so horrible for hurting everyone. Om and I started talking again a few days later and he told me he loves me and understands my hard position and hopes I learn from it and we can have a fair chance because he knows my decisions really weren't against him. My h told me he wants a d...and I felt so releived. But today he told me he just said that hoping I'd come chase him and we could reconcile. I don't want to chase him. Even if we both wanted it I don't know how it would be possible because we couldn't manage to have a healthy relationship before all of this happened, and I don't think we could ever get past it...and I'm pretty sure I don't want to. I want om so badly. Om and i decided to go no contact until d is final because maybe someday people will look back and think wow they messed up really bad but in the end they tried to do the right thing. My parents have told me that they will never ever accept om and will never meet him and will be personally offended if I ever date him, even after d. It's so hard. We are all in our early to mid 20's (I'm the youngest) and there are no children involved--no assets even except one vehicle. Om is completely single and has been for about a year before me due to breaking up with his fiancé because she cheated on him with her boss. I do care about my h, I want the best for him but I am always so annoyed when he talks and I can't stand the idea of being withhim physically...I just don't know if I'm going to wake up in 10 years and miss him. Any thoughts? Could it work with the om??? That's my main question because I believe it can--and so I don't even want to attempt to reconcile. But if it couldn't maybe I would give my h a chance at reconciliation just so I would know that I wouldn't have regrets if we d. But I just want and love om too much. Please help.

Edited August 17, 2010 by Trainwreck83

[Trainwreck83]

Also...I wanted to note that i made it sound like om called me out to break up my m. Not so. He talked to me and h in person and wasn't going to tell more than h knew about our a (that we kissed once) but I decided to come completely clean because the lies were KILLING me. Om also says if I decide to stay with h he will support me in that and still be friends (to a degree, obviously) and he just hopes I learn from my mistakes and don't let myself be treated like crap by h anymore if I stay.

[lostsunsets]

Your name is so accurate. You are so broken. Divorce your husband. There is no way you can stay faithful. Your OM needs to remember these words. "If she will cheat with, she will cheat on you". I hope both these men escape from you.

[Thorgs]

Only you know the situation to the fullest. It's time to sit down and do some serious soul searching and pros/cons lists.

[Distant78]

I was married less than a year when I left my emotionally, verbally and somewhat physically abusive h. He was also a liar with a p*rn problem that he hid from me. But he was an amazing care taker and he gave me a really great life with the exception of those other things. We separated and within a month I started having an affair with my boss. He was very caring about my situation, a TON of fun, and the most attractive person I have ever laid my eyes on. I quit my job so we didn't get in trouble with corporate hr. Everytime I would try to go home to my h he would deny the abuse and a lot of those nights the abuse was worse. It's important to note I've never sustained any injuries to speak of. Anyway...you can imagine how this drew me closer to my OM...he took care of me. I started living with om because it was the only house in the area that I knew h would never find (he drove around looking for me all the time.) I started hearing from om and friends that I was crazy for going home each time because I would show back up crying because h had done something. But for some reason I couldn't let go yet and d, so I started lying to om because I was afraid if I didn't hurry up he would leave me' and I really wanted us to work--he's my best friend and I love him. I was also lying to h--he had no idea about the a. He wanted to reconcile and said he'd change, and my parents thought he deserved another chance also. So 8 months go by and I find myself more and more paralyzed everyday in my decision and the lies snowballed because I was trying to buy time. I wish now I had told om that I want to see where this goes but I have to take care of my homelife first and not started anything until after the d. Om knows me so well. He knew I was lying. He called me out to h, then told me I broke his heart and left. In front of both of then I chose om. H also left. I deserve it. I feel so horrible for hurting everyone. Om and I started talking again a few days later and he told me he loves me and understands my hard position and hopes I learn from it and we can have a fair chance because he knows my decisions really weren't against him. My h told me he wants a d...and I felt so releived. But today he told me he just said that hoping I'd come chase him and we could reconcile. I don't want to chase him. Even if we both wanted it I don't know how it would be possible because we couldn't manage to have a healthy relationship before all of this happened, and I don't think we could ever get past it...and I'm pretty sure I don't want to. I want om so badly. Om and i decided to go no contact until d is final because maybe someday people will look back and think wow they messed up really bad but in the end they tried to do the right thing. My parents have told me that they will never ever accept om and will never meet him and will be personally offended if I ever date him, even after d. It's so hard. We are all in our early to mid 20's (I'm the youngest) and there are no children involved--no assets even except one vehicle. Om is completely single and has been for about a year before me due to breaking up with his fiancé because she cheated on him with her boss. I do care about my h, I want the best for him but I am always so annoyed when he talks and I can't stand the idea of being withhim physically...I just don't know if I'm going to wake up in 10 years and miss him. Any thoughts? Could it work with the om??? That's my main question because I believe it can--and so I don't even want to attempt to reconcile. But if it couldn't maybe I would give my h a chance at reconciliation just so I would know that I wouldn't have regrets if we d. But I just want and love om too much. Please help.

 

First of all, I want to say i'm sorry for what your husband put you through. All I have to say is that having an affair will only make things worse. Now i'm not trying to put you down, but you should've filed for divorce and then went to your family, instead of OM's arms, because look at what OM did to you: he left you. You say your OM was not trying to break up your marriage, when in fact he was. He called out to your husband. He wanted you all for himself and you know that. If you still feel scared to be around your husband, then don't be around him, and keep pushing the divorce. I just wished you should've thought twice before having an exit affair. Again, sorry for the pain you are going through and I hope you will get better.

[spriggig]

No, it's not going to work for long with the OM, he cheated on his wife with you and soon he'll get bored of you and cheat on both of you with someone else. He's a coward, cheaters always are, he won't "have the heart" to tell you and besides you won't have an indignant, moral leg to stand on, being the OW and all.

 

As soon as the butterflies are gone so are you. You'll see that soon enough.

[Trainwreck83]

Just to clarify...om and his fiancé never got married and broke up long before he and I even knew each other existed.

 

Once a cheater not always a cheater. I used to think that too. Now that I have cheated I can say the horror it has caused in our lives and the lessons I have learned from it are strong and I will NEVER do anything like it again. This is the worst time in my life and I'm sure that of my husband and family as well. You have no idea how badly I wish I could go back and change EVERYTHING.

 

I'd appreciate constructive replies. Not crticism or overgeneralized statements. I'm here for advice on how to rebuild my life from unbiased 3rd parties, not to get more drama. So have your opinions, I know what I have done is wrong. Wrong is such an understatement. And I'll never be able to show how sorry I am.

[Distant78]

Just to clarify...om and his fiancé never got married and broke up long before he and I even knew each other existed.

 

Once a cheater not always a cheater. I used to think that too. Now that I have cheated I can say the horror it has caused in our lives and the lessons I have learned from it are strong and I will NEVER do anything like it again. This is the worst time in my life and I'm sure that of my husband and family as well. You have no idea how badly I wish I could go back and change EVERYTHING.

 

I'd appreciate constructive replies. Not crticism or overgeneralized statements. I'm here for advice on how to rebuild my life from unbiased 3rd parties, not to get more drama. So have your opinions, I know what I have done is wrong. Wrong is such an understatement. And I'll never be able to show how sorry I am.

 

So now you're going to blow off advice from people who are trying to help you. What are you really here for? Validation for your justification for your affair, or advice that will help you heal? We're trying to help you.

[lkjh]

You want advice fine, stop acting like a retarded 16 year old and learn some responsibility. Your H probably wasn't that bad but you are so damn selfish you need to justify cheating less than one year into your marriage with your boss. Than you played them both and acted like the most negative stereotype of American women by destroying your M and picking your lover hoping everything will end up like a hollywood film. Holy crap do you even know what it means to be married? You don't jump up and bang the first authority figure the second your marriage gets rough. You work at it

 

Seriously break up with both guys and grow up a little before you ruin some more lives. Damn I feel for your parents in this one

[aerogurl87]

Considering I was in a situation where my ex abused me verbally and emotionally almost daily I can see where your coming from and my advice is to go through with the divorce. Once you have that out the way go get some IC and work out your issues within yourself before bringing the OM back into the picture. You need to clear your mind and figure out everything because your life is a mess right now. Until that happens though, go LC with your husband only to talk about the divorce and tell the OM you need time to figure everything out. If he really loves you he will wait for you to get your life together again. Good luck.

[cookie2]

Now that I have cheated I can say the horror it has caused in our lives and the lessons I have learned from it are strong and I will NEVER do anything like it again.

But didn't you say that once before? You know, the same day you said "forsaking all others, til death do us part"?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I so hate that double standard with a passion. men get caught looking at porn, women associates he is cheating because he is looking, meanwhile his wife is in a full blown affair, and yet she is cheating but she's minimizing it!!!

 

WTF!

 

LISTEN PORN IS A PROBLEM, BUT IT IS NOT CHEATING!!!

[Trainwreck83]

So posting about infidelity is not allowed in the infidelity forum? Sounds like all have you have been freshly hurt my something like this. Sorry I'm a monster. Been considering just offing myself. Maybe ill give a shout out to ls in my note.

[Thorgs]

So posting about infidelity is not allowed in the infidelity forum? Sounds like all have you have been freshly hurt my something like this. Sorry I'm a monster. Been considering just offing myself. Maybe ill give a shout out to ls in my note.

Nah that's stupid. Just because some people here are butt hurt and take it out on you isn't a good reason to say goodbye to the world.

[LSNoob]

So posting about infidelity is not allowed in the infidelity forum? Sounds like all have you have been freshly hurt my something like this. Sorry I'm a monster. Been considering just offing myself. Maybe ill give a shout out to ls in my note.

 

 

Please don't say that. Suicide is NOT a solution for life's problems. We all have problems in our lives, it's how we deal with them that matters. It's how we come out of it that matters. We all live and learn.

 

I really do believe you wouldn't have cheated if you had a decent husband. Sorry, just your bad luck, that you had to marry a douchebag.

 

I say divorce your husband. He is not gonna change just like that because things going bad. He is faking it. Down the road few years from now when things settle down and you guys start paying bills,kids,school trips, family gatherings etc etc. Your husband will go back to his old ways.

 

8 months and already started abusing you?? Wow what a loser.

 

Tell your parents they are not the one that getting abused, and they don't have the right to tell you who to marry or not, specially if that kunt is an abusive douche.

 

As for the OM, ask yourself something, why did his ex-fiance cheat on him?? Maybe something was wrong too? But really that doesn't matter.

 

What matters is you. Divorce your husband. Leave the OM. Spend some alone time. You are still young, you might not want to get married or be in a relationship so soon yet. Just enjoy your life, and one day you will meet "the one" for you, when you are least expecting him. It happens all the time.

 

And make sure (110% sure), that your next lover won't abuse you or treat you like crap. Don't put up with that *****. The one that really loves you will never take advantage of his physical strength to hurt you. But rather, he will use it to protect you. Seriously make sure your soon-to-be exH is the last of this type of men.

 

It's important to note I've never sustained any injuries to speak of.

 

You don't need "injuries" for it to be physical abuse sweety. Your husband is a f***ing kunt for abusing you.

 

Always feel free to come here and vent out. A lot of members will be here supporting you. Good luck.

Edited August 18, 2010 by LSNoob

[U2RockZz]

what's your problem lady....you wanted a D and you are getting one....nobody here can tell you whether it works with OM or not.....and nobody can tell if or not ,your family disowns you .....

 

but don't write BS about your H being abusive

[LSNoob]

Your H probably wasn't that bad

 

 

Oh ladies and gentlemen of LS, come here and check this out.

 

So mr.lkjh (who can't even come out with a better name, everyone look at the keyboard and laugh at this guy), tell us please. Share your stories and experience living with her husband. Please tell us.

 

Listen little fella, this forum is not a place for you to be some sort of future-teller or some s***. If you are some sort of psychic and you have the magical wizardous sphere from lord of the rings, then good for you tosser. You really don't need to come here and show it off, because we do not care.

 

So the point of this post?

Right a long lengthy apologetic post to OP. And lets hope she accept your apology.

 

I always tell people, who are opposite of smart people, to THINK before they write/speak. ALWAYS. ALL THE F***ING TIME. But oh well, some people just can't do it no matter how hard they try.

 

But who am I kidding? l..k..j..h..?? really?

[LSNoob]

 

but don't write BS about your H being abusive

 

Huh? I don't understand this. Why you assuming she is lying? Like, do you have pics or vids to show me that her husband is a charmer? Please if you do have those vids/pics, PLEASEEEE I beg you , just give me a link or something.

[U2RockZz]

Huh? I don't understand this. Why you assuming she is lying? Like, do you have pics or vids to show me that her husband is a charmer? Please if you do have those vids/pics, PLEASEEEE I beg you , just give me a link or something.

 

you do not have them either to prove otherwise ...... mine is fairly logical assumption....i don't think her H could become abusive overnight ....if he is abusive from the start of their R....then she does not have much to complain....she knows fairly well what she was getting into...so whats your point boss.....

[lkjh]

Oh ladies and gentlemen of LS, come here and check this out.

 

So mr.lkjh (who can't even come out with a better name, everyone look at the keyboard and laugh at this guy), tell us please. Share your stories and experience living with her husband. Please tell us.

 

Listen little fella, this forum is not a place for you to be some sort of future-teller or some s***. If you are some sort of psychic and you have the magical wizardous sphere from lord of the rings, then good for you tosser. You really don't need to come here and show it off, because we do not care.

 

So the point of this post?

Right a long lengthy apologetic post to OP. And lets hope she accept your apology.

 

I always tell people, who are opposite of smart people, to THINK before they write/speak. ALWAYS. ALL THE F***ING TIME. But oh well, some people just can't do it no matter how hard they try.

 

But who am I kidding? l..k..j..h..?? really?

 

 

Give it a rest super duper internet harda**. Congrats you put a lot of effort into your user name, clearly you are a genius.

 

Why don't you try learning to read between the lines instead of acting like the loveshack police. She made some bs up about her H of one year being emotionally abusive and "somewhat physical but never left a injury or a bruise", her parents don't except her story and according to her are pretty damn disappointed in her. The truth is she met her boss and fell into the same trap as every other marred woman who starts an affair with their boss. And now she needs to justify cheating only one year into her marriage by demonizing her H.

[lkjh]

U2RockZz,

you are trying to use logic with LSnoob and that won't work. This poster thinks because he/she spent 4 years getting an AA in sociology that they are clearly all knowing. Heaven forbid LSnoob uses a little a common sense and judge the poster by her actions instead of the first 4 lines of her original post demonizing her H

[U2RockZz]

"8 months and already started abusing you?? Wow what a loser.

Sorry, just your bad luck, that you had to marry a douchebag.

You don't need "injuries" for it to be physical abuse sweety. Your husband is a f***ing kunt for abusing you""

 

oh,that was some pretty intensive s***...this girl is not even married for a year....in that she managed to have a 8 months A and practically living at OM's house....i wonder when did she have the time to get abused by her so called H......are you nuts....

[Chrome Barracuda]

LS noob needs to realize that cheaters will lie. and she is a Wayward wife, and thus her telling of the story is gonna put her in the best light possible. Whats the best way to garner sympathy and acceptance than to lie about your husband. Play the victim. It's been done before, women and men will do just about anything to be seen in a good light. Even if it means making up total fabrications!

 

But women dont lie right???

[Trainwreck83]

Okay so I'm back and I'm not sure why. I guess because I'm thankful for those of you who have provided real advice and not judgmental bs. For your information my h has been arrested 3 times for dv. He has choked me until I blacked out several times. Twice before I married him. He promised change and I believed him. For those of you with no experience of an abusive relationship I can understand why you are so quick to say I'm making it up. Sounds like someone doesn't want to accept why their wife cheated on them. If you were making her happy and meeting her needs (unless she has NPD) it wouldnt have happened. I am taking responsibility for what I have done. My h has admitted his abuse to my parents and no one in the real world questions my claims. I never said I didn't have bruises. I said ice never had real injuries: such as being beaten to a bloody pulp. So go to hell. I didn't ask anyone to assess whether my h was abusive, but merely provide advice on what I should do because I want to do the right thing and attempt to repair the damage I have caused. I met a man who took care of me and loved me when I was getting nothing at home but the feeling of worthlessness. My actions are very wrong but humanly logical, and if they weren't no one would be in this forum. So lay off. I didn't come here asking to be told that it was okay for me to have an affair. It was the most awful thing I have ever done. I have learned many lessons from it. None of that changes the fact that my feelings are real. So here I am. I want to do the right thing at all costs...hence the no contact with the om. My h has expressed that he may want to reconcile. So I am going to go home and do my best to make it work. Will it work? I have no idea. I think too much has probably happened. But I am NOT going to just run off, I am obligated to try my best to make amends for my sins. If it fails, I'll know that it is right to leave. It takes two to break a marriage, and that is especially evident in my situation. I feel now that if it is meant to be with the om then it will work out after I have done the right thing...work on my marriage...which I should have done ages ago.

 

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

 

So come at me. Yes I cheated on my husband. I am not the first nor will I be the last. But I can try to do the right thing everyday and let that guide my life to either my h, my om, singlehood or someone else. Who knows where I will end up. At least I know it won't be as bitter, judgmental and closed minded as many of you because I can take responsibility for and control of where my life goes.

 

For those of you that are actually here to provide support and real advice to those in difficult situations I apologize for this rant. For the rest of you, go take out your hate on someone who has harmed you or take the high road and chane your life for the best--including but not limited to choosing to stop taking out your hate on Internet forums (coward) and do something instead of wallowing in what someone did to you. Don't get me wrong, I have the utmost empathy for the pain you are going through. But you can only deal with what is, not what was or what if. So grieve, seek therapy, but move on and fine what makes you happy. To do otherwise is to waste what little precious time you have on this earth.

 

I apologize for my immature comment about suicide. The pain I experience (through mostly no fault but my own) is tremendous and that sometimes seems easier. I didn't mean it and I choose to control my life and stand up to what I have done and pay the consequences. Then move on and make myself happy however that may be. Everyone here needs to grow the f--- up. Of you don't want to talk about infidelity, don't join the forum.

 

Good luck to everyone in the trials they are experiencing. I wish you the best.

[Trainwreck83]

U2RockZz,

you are trying to use logic with LSnoob and that won't work. This poster thinks because he/she spent 4 years getting an AA in sociology that they are clearly all knowing. Heaven forbid LSnoob uses a little a common sense and judge the poster by her actions instead of the first 4 lines of her original post demonizing her H

 

Omg I had to add...because I just saw this. Ridiculous. For your information I have two bachelors degrees and one masters. Questioning my education level doesn't change the situation. But since I cheated on my husband I must lie about everything.

 

I'm so glad you know me so well. Yes I came to an anonymous forum to make up lies. You have a trust issue because you have been cheated on and that's not my problem. DO something with your life instead of chewing out strangers online. At least I came here for a reason...sheesh. Glad I could give you something to do with your pity party life. With that attitude you will never find someone who will love you. Seriously. Love yourself first and stop picking on people you don't know. What do you get out of giving someone grief that you don't even know? I thought this was a site where adults could come to be constructive and help each other. God forbid that I have messed up--incredibly messed up. But now I'm trying to do something about it and sought advice from people who have had similar experiences. Good Lord please find something better to do with your time!!