Affair discovered...can this work?

[cookie2]

It takes two to break a marriage

Wrong, wrong, WRONG!!!

It takes 2 to make a marriage. Either one can break it at any time.

 

@denise_xo: apologies, you are right. I won't do it again.

Edited August 18, 2010 by cookie2

[denise_xo]

 

@denise_xo: apologies, you are right. I won't do it again.

 

Thanks, Cookie, appreciated.

[Trainwreck83]

Wrong, wrong, WRONG!!!

It takes 2 to make a marriage. Either one can break it at any time.

 

@denise_xo: apologies, you are right. I won't do it again.

 

Sorry to disappoint you but I'm still alive. In some instances I agree with you. But in the majority of situations both partners contribute to the breakdown. Luckily my h and I have both taken responsibility. Something it seems like many of the angry souls on here aren't willing to do. Again, unless someone has npd it is likely they strayed because they had needs not being met--this is NOT an excuse for my actions in any way and I would rather NOT use my h's actions as some sort of justification for my own. I shared the facts because it is particularly relevant from a relationship standpoint, not for an excuse. But the fact that I bring up that the reason molany people stray is due to unmet needs within the marriage is based in research (one example of many...http://www.marriagebuilders.com). Anyway, I digress. Oh wait I forgot I lie about everything. That probably isn't even a real website. Or I just built it really quick to throw off all the angry ls-er's. Haha.

[cookie2]

the reason molany people stray is due to unmet needs within the marriage

The only reason people stray is because they choose to. If they have unmet needs in the marriage they should TALK TO THEIR PARTNER.

[LSNoob]

you do not have them either to prove otherwise ...... mine is fairly logical assumption....i don't think her H could become abusive overnight ....if he is abusive from the start of their R....then she does not have much to complain....she knows fairly well what she was getting into...so whats your point boss.....

 

Oh, my evidence? Read the OP, that's my evidence.

I don't buy into this bulls***, "read btwn the lines" etc etc... cut that out.

This is not a place to be a detective or some sort of wizard. Please you are making fool out of your self.

 

You come here, read the OP, then give constructive/destructive advices based on the story and on what you are reading. Just no assumptions please.

 

@OP:

OP, I hope this is a lesson well learned for you and I hope you NEVER ever cheat again in your life. You had your chance its over now. From now on, you be walking on egg shells.

 

The only reason people stray is because they choose to. If they have unmet needs in the marriage they should TALK TO THEIR PARTNER.

 

Very very true.

[lkjh]

Omg I had to add...because I just saw this. Ridiculous. For your information I have two bachelors degrees and one masters. Questioning my education level doesn't change the situation. But since I cheated on my husband I must lie about everything.

 

I'm so glad you know me so well. Yes I came to an anonymous forum to make up lies. You have a trust issue because you have been cheated on and that's not my problem. DO something with your life instead of chewing out strangers online. At least I came here for a reason...sheesh. Glad I could give you something to do with your pity party life. With that attitude you will never find someone who will love you. Seriously. Love yourself first and stop picking on people you don't know. What do you get out of giving someone grief that you don't even know? I thought this was a site where adults could come to be constructive and help each other. God forbid that I have messed up--incredibly messed up. But now I'm trying to do something about it and sought advice from people who have had similar experiences. Good Lord please find something better to do with your time!!

 

I was talking about Lsnoob not you. Too bad your dual bachelor degrees didn't teach you how to follow a basic forum. Go back and read what I was referring to, it wasn't your post. Oh and I have never been cheated on, its just easy to see a cake eater when one presents it so well.

 

You really think you need to be giving love advice, a chick that is cheating on your H of just 1 year with the typical joke of a cliche, her boss? Your problem is the only person you love is yourself. Where do you really think you are gonna be in 10 years? In a happy marriage? hell no, soon your boss will dump(like it always happens) and nobody will want to be with such a selfish person. The only way you are gonna end up in a relationship is by lying about how your marriage broke up. And any guy you get serious with will eventually learn that you are full of crap

 

Your problem is that you think you know everything and want justify your actions. When in reality you can't justify being a flat out selfish person. Your actions are as disgusting as they get. People will tell you that you are a good person that made a mistake, but you judge people by their actions not their words and there is nothing good about your actions

[lkjh]

OP, you act like a spoiled 16 year old. Even when people criticize you, you threaten with suicide. Only a immature person would do that. Grow up and learn to take responsibility for your actions

[lkjh]

oh and the reasons people stray is because of a character flaw not because their needs are not being met. No one person can meet all of your needs 100% of the time. That is a impossible standard.

 

 

Even though you only want advice that says "oh sweetie its not your fault" what you need to do is flat out stay away from men for awhile and grow up a little

[GorillaTheater]

and so I don't even want to attempt to reconcile.

 

In the long run, very likely the best for all concerned.

[stillafool]

I was married less than a year when I left my emotionally, verbally and somewhat physically abusive h. He was also a liar with a p*rn problem that he hid from me. But he was an amazing care taker and he gave me a really great life with the exception of those other things. We separated and within a month I started having an affair with my boss. He was very caring about my situation, a TON of fun, and the most attractive person I have ever laid my eyes on. I quit my job so we didn't get in trouble with corporate hr. Everytime I would try to go home to my h he would deny the abuse and a lot of those nights the abuse was worse. It's important to note I've never sustained any injuries to speak of. Anyway...you can imagine how this drew me closer to my OM...he took care of me. I started living with om because it was the only house in the area that I knew h would never find (he drove around looking for me all the time.) I started hearing from om and friends that I was crazy for going home each time because I would show back up crying because h had done something. But for some reason I couldn't let go yet and d, so I started lying to om because I was afraid if I didn't hurry up he would leave me' and I really wanted us to work--he's my best friend and I love him. I was also lying to h--he had no idea about the a. He wanted to reconcile and said he'd change, and my parents thought he deserved another chance also. So 8 months go by and I find myself more and more paralyzed everyday in my decision and the lies snowballed because I was trying to buy time. I wish now I had told om that I want to see where this goes but I have to take care of my homelife first and not started anything until after the d. Om knows me so well. He knew I was lying. He called me out to h, then told me I broke his heart and left. In front of both of then I chose om. H also left. I deserve it. I feel so horrible for hurting everyone. Om and I started talking again a few days later and he told me he loves me and understands my hard position and hopes I learn from it and we can have a fair chance because he knows my decisions really weren't against him. My h told me he wants a d...and I felt so releived. But today he told me he just said that hoping I'd come chase him and we could reconcile. I don't want to chase him. Even if we both wanted it I don't know how it would be possible because we couldn't manage to have a healthy relationship before all of this happened, and I don't think we could ever get past it...and I'm pretty sure I don't want to. I want om so badly. Om and i decided to go no contact until d is final because maybe someday people will look back and think wow they messed up really bad but in the end they tried to do the right thing. My parents have told me that they will never ever accept om and will never meet him and will be personally offended if I ever date him, even after d. It's so hard. We are all in our early to mid 20's (I'm the youngest) and there are no children involved--no assets even except one vehicle. Om is completely single and has been for about a year before me due to breaking up with his fiancé because she cheated on him with her boss. I do care about my h, I want the best for him but I am always so annoyed when he talks and I can't stand the idea of being withhim physically...I just don't know if I'm going to wake up in 10 years and miss him. Any thoughts? Could it work with the om??? That's my main question because I believe it can--and so I don't even want to attempt to reconcile. But if it couldn't maybe I would give my h a chance at reconciliation just so I would know that I wouldn't have regrets if we d. But I just want and love om too much. Please help.

 

Trainwreck, your problem seems pretty easy to resolve in my humble opinion. Divorce your husband and be with the OM. You have stated you love him and don't want your husband anymore. Just leave, today! Your parents will get over it if they ever want to see you again. Just get a divorce and move on.

[bentnotbroken]

Okay so I'm back and I'm not sure why. I guess because I'm thankful for those of you who have provided real advice and not judgmental bs. For your information my h has been arrested 3 times for dv. He has choked me until I blacked out several times. Twice before I married him. He promised change and I believed him. For those of you with no experience of an abusive relationship I can understand why you are so quick to say I'm making it up. Sounds like someone doesn't want to accept why their wife cheated on them. If you were making her happy and meeting her needs (unless she has NPD) it wouldnt have happened. I am taking responsibility for what I have done. My h has admitted his abuse to my parents and no one in the real world questions my claims. I never said I didn't have bruises. I said ice never had real injuries: such as being beaten to a bloody pulp. So go to hell. I didn't ask anyone to assess whether my h was abusive, but merely provide advice on what I should do because I want to do the right thing and attempt to repair the damage I have caused. I met a man who took care of me and loved me when I was getting nothing at home but the feeling of worthlessness. My actions are very wrong but humanly logical, and if they weren't no one would be in this forum. So lay off. I didn't come here asking to be told that it was okay for me to have an affair. It was the most awful thing I have ever done. I have learned many lessons from it. None of that changes the fact that my feelings are real. So here I am. I want to do the right thing at all costs...hence the no contact with the om. My h has expressed that he may want to reconcile. So I am going to go home and do my best to make it work. Will it work? I have no idea. I think too much has probably happened. But I am NOT going to just run off, I am obligated to try my best to make amends for my sins. If it fails, I'll know that it is right to leave. It takes two to break a marriage, and that is especially evident in my situation. I feel now that if it is meant to be with the om then it will work out after I have done the right thing...work on my marriage...which I should have done ages ago.

 

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

 

So come at me. Yes I cheated on my husband. I am not the first nor will I be the last. But I can try to do the right thing everyday and let that guide my life to either my h, my om, singlehood or someone else. Who knows where I will end up. At least I know it won't be as bitter, judgmental and closed minded as many of you because I can take responsibility for and control of where my life goes.

 

For those of you that are actually here to provide support and real advice to those in difficult situations I apologize for this rant. For the rest of you, go take out your hate on someone who has harmed you or take the high road and chane your life for the best--including but not limited to choosing to stop taking out your hate on Internet forums (coward) and do something instead of wallowing in what someone did to you. Don't get me wrong, I have the utmost empathy for the pain you are going through. But you can only deal with what is, not what was or what if. So grieve, seek therapy, but move on and fine what makes you happy. To do otherwise is to waste what little precious time you have on this earth.

 

I apologize for my immature comment about suicide. The pain I experience (through mostly no fault but my own) is tremendous and that sometimes seems easier. I didn't mean it and I choose to control my life and stand up to what I have done and pay the consequences. Then move on and make myself happy however that may be. Everyone here needs to grow the f--- up. Of you don't want to talk about infidelity, don't join the forum.

 

Good luck to everyone in the trials they are experiencing. I wish you the best.

 

 

I understand abuse. Been on both ends of it. It is not something to take lightly, nor should it be tolerated. But that in no way says abuse is the "reason" for you cheating. Most of us haven't had our needs met. Some for a "LOT" of years. There is NO justification for abuse. And there is NO justification for cheating. One doesn't give free reign to the other. November Rain has a thread here, where her husband became abusive after she cheated. Her cheating was in NO way a reason(justification)for his abuse of her. And your husband's abuse is in NO way a reason for your cheating.

 

The only person responsible for their poor copying skills (you cheating/him abusing) is the one doing the action. Sounds like you still trying to justify. Don't call down the scripture in one breathe and talk about continued sin in the next. It is an either or proposition. Either I am going to do the right thing or I am not.

[Thorgs]

Wow, this thread spiraled downward fast.

[U2RockZz]

which one you want me to believe...

" somewhat physically abusive h......It's important to note I've never sustained any injuries to speak of."

 

or

 

"For your information my h has been arrested 3 times for dv......."

 

so he was arrested just like that......with out any injury....with out any proof..........not once but thrice....yet your parents ask you stay with him......ready to disown you if you don't give him a chance .......whom you are kidding ........... i really do not have to believe any thing you have written over here....if it was real, you would have written them in your first post itself....and how come your H still able to hold on to his job.....if he has 3 DV's on his resume....i don't think he would get any job...... that was some nice story......try some thing logical next time

 

anyways why do you want to go back to him...he almost killed you 3 times.....isn't it

 

we do have some pretty intense degrees after our names......

[U2RockZz]

"I don't buy into this bulls***, "

 

actually, you don't have to.....you write loads of them.

Edited August 18, 2010 by U2RockZz