What is this guy doing?

[spiderowl]

I'm very confused about the behaviour of a 'friend'. I say 'friend' because we've seen very little of each other since we had a disagreement. We were going out as friends - quite close friends, but not sexually involved - and he behaved in a way I felt was disrespectful to a friend he'd gone out somewhere with. I spoke to him about it, fully expecting him to apologise and reassure me and he didn't. He seemed shocked I'd even mentioned it. This guy is popular with women and I'm pretty sure it must have been an issue before. There followed a brief exchange of words in which we concluded we couldn't go out any more if I wasn't happy with his behaviour. I felt he pretty much dismissed me by saying what I was expecting was something he'd only do in a serious relationship. I did feel offended at the implication that I was asking too much and that I wasn't that important to him. The issue I felt was one of manners, not what our relationship was. So. he pretty much stopped contacting me. I was upset about this but, after the initial shock at the way it had gone so rapidly, came to the conclusion he wasn't worth it and put him to the back of my mind.

 

Two years later, we cross paths occasionally and he's always polite, buys me a drink, gets me a chair and chats. I remain a bit distant and guarded because I still feel offended. I'll say 'hello' but I don't really initiate conversations. So it goes on. As far as I can see, he's had several women friends (not sure what relationship) in the interim and those relationships seem to have faded though the women are still friendly to him. He is an interesting person.

 

Recently, we ended up in a social group for a day and chatted as usual. He was kind and attentive. I felt that several times he was on the point of suggesting meeting, but then looked sad and didn't. I feel sad about this too, but there's no way I'll suggest meeting given what happened.

 

Following that meeting, we ended up crossing paths again (we move in the same social circles). He sits with me and a few friends, sits beside me, talks to me, seems to be trying to keep my attention when I'm trying to talk to all those in the group, and also sits with leg touching me. I'm pretty sure this was deliberate. I wondered whether to move away or not and did, but somehow the leg reappeared touching mine. Curiosity got the better of me and I stayed still to see what happened. His leg pretty much remained in contact all evening. He also mentioned that he would phone later in the week as there was an event on we are both likely to go to independently anyway. Not sure what the point of the call was supposed to be and I must have looked surprised. He didn't phone and wasn't at the event.

 

This is bothering me. I know I can move away, avoid him and so on, but why is he doing this? I know he is flirting. Is it some sort of game? I also know he was sad at the way things broke apart, because he was really making a lot of effort to make contact with me, though if it was just a casual friendship why would he bother? I can't imagine he'll ever apologise and I feel I have nothing to apologise for. What is going on and what would you advise that I do?

[WintersNightTraveler]

He is trying to have sex with you. The leg thing is a dead giveaway but really the whole story reads that way.

 

Whyever would he apologize to you for something he did to someone else? Or am I just misreading that bit?

[spiderowl]

Thanks for reply. I'm a bit baffled as to how he can have sex with me by touching my leg, but I guess you mean that's a signal, lol.

 

I can't say what he did as it would be a giveaway if he happened to read these forums (unlikely but I don't want to risk it). It wasn't to anyone in particular, just something he tends to do and I felt it was unchivalrous (if that's a proper word). It was inconsistent with the rest of his behaviour which was usually considerate and kind. I would have thought anyone behaving in the way he did was being inconsiderate also.

 

If he was interested in the way you said, why doesn't he make it clearer? We've already agreed we can't go out together so that pretty much stops anything else (it certainly does for me). What's the point in doing this thing with the legs? I'm really confused about this guy. I'm beginning to think he's a real loose cannon.

[WintersNightTraveler]

What's the point in doing this thing with the legs?

 

It is a signal. It also allows him to gauge your physical comfort level with him.

 

I didn't mean to ask what he did. I was asking why would you expect him to apologize to you if he did something impolite to someone else.

 

 

 

We've already agreed we can't go out together so that pretty much stops anything else (it certainly does for me)

 

Many women say things like this and then go ahead and have sex with a guy anyway. I am not saying you are one of those women at all. I am just saying he has no compelling reason to take that statement at face value if he is a guy who likes to have sex with a lot of women. It sounds like he is (quote: "This guy is popular with women").

 

This may seem weird but just trust me on it. In my experience, if a woman says something like that we wind up hooking up more often than we don't. Especially if they leave their leg touching mine the whole evening. Yes this is bizarre but guys often just learn to roll with it. If you really want no relations with him along these lines, I suggest you avoid discussing sex or dating with him entirely, rather than telling him you do not want those things. If a woman discusses dating with me and doesn't shy away when I touch her leg (or better, touches mine first) then I will pursue them more (if I am interested).

 

Good luck.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for explaining. I don't actually discuss dating with him or sex, in fact anything personal is pretty much taboo since we had the disagreement. I felt what he did was inconsiderate to me, not others. If we talk about anything to do with relationships, we tend to talk about other people's relationships and not us. He does always bring the subject of relationships up, but not ours. He was offended by my commenting on his behaviour and pretty much cut me off at the time. I felt he was overreacting and he presumably felt I was too. I have been very wary of him since.

 

I did really like the guy, I'll admit, and we have a lot of interests in common, but I had written him off as lacking the sort of manners I'd expect. This is two years later! We only meet up in group/accidental situations and don't visit each other's homes or anything. Why is he doing this? Is it habit? What can he hope to gain when we don't meet up with just the two of us? It's not as if any kind of relationship could develop and there's no point for me in just sex. There's no way I'd sleep with a guy who I can't even date. I think he's just p*g me about or something.

 

What would you advise me to do? I'm thinking of avoiding him and just not chatting socially if he's going to try to cross boundries like this. I don't like people playing games with me.

Edited August 20, 2010 by spiderowl