Do they ever come back?

[siuys]

I am in the process of getting over my MM, who ended the A to give his marriage another go. It's only been a week so things are tough right now. I do not want to hope that he'll come back (although I did indicate I would take him back - how stupid of me). What I want to do is to move on regardless of what he does or does not do.

 

Just out of curiosity, does anyone know of any MM who actually finished the affair, sort out their life, and came back to the OW? I know I am daydreaming here but also curious since the probability seems so incredibly low?

[blizzard]

((hugs)) You are going through a tough heartbreak right now. I have been there.

No, my xMM didn't. It has been 3 months of No Contact.

 

You don't really want him back anyway...honestly. I see that much more clearly now. No Contact is the best solution...and stay busy. Confide in your best friend because you will have a grieving process that you will endure alone basically. Hang out with others to keep your mind preoccupied. Read more LS posts. Write in a journal. Just let him go. A valuable statement that I read off LS has helped me deal with my loss... "If he loved you he would have moved mountains to be with you."

 

And that is what I want from a man. And I now expect it.

 

I also had a fleeting thought today which makes me stray even farther away from xMM. Doesn't he even worry about me? The aftermath of it all? How am I doing with all of this? How am I being treated? Don't you think if you truly loved someone you would have to know how they are?

Edited August 17, 2010 by blizzard

[siuys]

Thanks, blizzard. You are right. I hope in time I will wonder why I would even suggest to him to come back. He agreed to have NC but sent me an sms the other day which really affected me. I replied, saying maybe we can talk if he got a divorce. Before the NC, I had told him not to contact me until at least the new year. I think I made a mistake. By January it would be 5 months, and I really think I will have moved on by then. But you are right, I think if someone really cared for another person, they would want to know if they are ok, but then again, maybe he knows that NC is the best thing for you. Maybe in time, he may want to check that you are ok... hard to say now I guess.

 

One truth I have accepted. Maybe not quite moving mountains, but if he really WANTED to, he'd be with me already. I don't doubt his feelings for me, but that is not enough.

 

How long had you been in this relationship?

[Butterfly11]

I am in the process of getting over my MM, who ended the A to give his marriage another go. It's only been a week so things are tough right now. I do not want to hope that he'll come back (although I did indicate I would take him back - how stupid of me). What I want to do is to move on regardless of what he does or does not do.

 

Just out of curiosity, does anyone know of any MM who actually finished the affair, sort out their life, and came back to the OW? I know I am daydreaming here but also curious since the probability seems so incredibly low?

 

Mine is working out...going on 15 months since he left her. Not exactly as you describe, but similar. He got caught, we ended the affair with NC b/c he said he need to try to work on the M. Three days later he left. I can't say that he sorted out his life in those 3 days, but I do know he realized that he couldn't live the rest of his life without ever being able to speak or see me again. He told me that he also realized that the love he had for me would never go away, he couldn't just put it aside because I was his one

 

There are happy endings,even though from what I've read my story sounds like every other OW. He did leave, he got divorced, divorced and has never looked back.

 

For me I knew in my heart, without a reasonable doubt, that one day we would be together. It happened a lot sooner than I expected though.

[siuys]

I am happy for your Butterfly. Really am. I think you're an exception though. In any case, I believe if my MM really wants to be with me, he will, but i simply cannot ask or hope or whatever. At least there are happy endings. All the best.

[Billie]

Siuyus, we are going through the very same thing.

 

My MM wanted to be with me he told his W. She wanted to make the M work. - He then told me he had decided to stay at home with his W to try and make his M work. He said he didn’t know if he was making the right decision but he knew he had to try. He then said he could no longer see or talk to me and would not call or text me anymore. - I was cast aside as quickly as that.

 

It has been a week since he told his W and just 3 days NC. I am going through all these ups and downs too.

 

I also text him to tell him that I was going to move on, but if it does not work out between him and his W then there MAY still be a chance for us.

(I go throught times thinking ths is stupid and times thinking it was right. I am unale to really know what his feelings about me were, but I would have been with him - I felt we had something, and I think that making him know how I felt will make him realise what he is missing and what he too has lost. as I was someone who honstly cared.)

 

The last few days have been quite bad, I was incredibly upset and alone and was so mad, I thought "how dare he have the luxury of not getting to see all of the hurt he has caused, why does he think he can be afforded the opportunity to walk away and not see how upset he has made me.”

 

At first I thought "if he cared for me like he said he did, he would be here" but then I thought that is not true. And in actual fact, The reason he is not here is because he could not bear to see me suffer.

 

He is a man and does not realise that is absence causes me more hurt, but he is a man and does not think this way.

 

He knows he is weak and is a coward and my suffering is for him, because he would suffer if he saw me that way. - He is too weak to suffer himself, so he walks away.

 

I came to this board looking for similar answers… Will his M work?, can they reconcile? Does he miss me? – We need to come to places like this and ask these questions because they are not around to ask these questions to.

 

LS really does help, keep coming here, when you think you want to text or call him, come here instead or call a supportive friend.

 

Someone on here said to me that if it was meant to be, then it will be. I reassure myself by thinking that his life is no picnic at the moment either (and he has himself to blame for that.)

 

Today I am trying to be positive, take it one day at a time.

Good luck today!

[pureinheart]

I am in the process of getting over my MM, who ended the A to give his marriage another go. It's only been a week so things are tough right now. I do not want to hope that he'll come back (although I did indicate I would take him back - how stupid of me). What I want to do is to move on regardless of what he does or does not do.

 

Just out of curiosity, does anyone know of any MM who actually finished the affair, sort out their life, and came back to the OW? I know I am daydreaming here but also curious since the probability seems so incredibly low?

 

Working in an industry where A's were an everyday occurrence, I'm sure this happened many times, I do know of many happy endings.

 

Ok, let me ask you a question...do you want him for you and D'ed, or are you ok with being the OW?

 

My own sitch, I couldn't take it anymore (one of the many things I couldn't handle) and broke it off telling him not to contact me until he was done with his M. He had a friend call me months later to test the waters to let me know they were separated...then called me himself. They D'ed.

 

I knew the M was bad and knew it was a matter of time...D was inevitable...

 

Personally in your case, I'd say let him go, and if he comes back D'ed, he's yours forever....so sorry you are going through all of this....

[siuys]

Sorry you're hurting Billie. I can relate to every single thing you wrote. My MM, well xMM now, actually moved out, but made a decision to go back when his wife suggested counselling. I've been through hell and back since the breakup and have broken the NC rule, and so did he. But I have a feeling it's ok now, and that he won't text me anymore. I so wanted to contact him just before but luckily I told a friend, and she talked some sense into me. I feel like I'm addicted to my MM and it's just insane. I've never been like this in my life. I really hope things don't work out for him. I am mad, and on some level I don't feel he deserves the marriage to work. His wife doesn't even know about me, as stupid me was trying to protect him, and his family's feelings. How dumb i was. Who thought about me? No one.

 

And to answer your question pureinheart, I am NOT ok with being the OW. No way. I went all in, and want a partner who wants the same. My MM has two teenage kids, and he is obsessed with the idea of a traditional family unit hence he'd do anything to keep that. I agree I need to let him go, and I am doing that, I just struggle at times, as you know how these millions of thoughts you go through in your head. Thank God for LS.

 

Just curious: both Billie and pureinheart, how long have you been in the relationship, and are there any children in the picture? Good luck.

[blizzard]

Billie: My MM wanted to be with me he told his W. She wanted to make the M work. - He then told me he had decided to stay at home with his W to try and make his M work. He said he didn’t know if he was making the right decision but he knew he had to try. He then said he could no longer see or talk to me and would not call or text me anymore. - I was cast aside as quickly as that

My situation was very similiar. I am seperated. And it is very real that I am divorcing. After hearing what his wife wanted, I asked him "what did he want" he simply said he didn't know...it hadn't even been a month yet but he wouldn't ask me to wait that long. Then he proceeded to say that he was in love with two women. And he had loved her first and made vows to her.We agree, although obviously, we couldn't talk anymore. We said our forever goodbyes. I wrote a closure letter. And that was that.

The last few days have been quite bad, I was incredibly upset and alone and was so mad, I thought "how dare he have the luxury of not getting to see all of the hurt he has caused, why does he think he can be afforded the opportunity to walk away and not see how upset he has made me.”

Exactly. I felt the same. He sees his wife in sadness, anguish...but not me. And I loved him too.

At first I thought "if he cared for me like he said he did, he would be here" but then I thought that is not true. And in actual fact, The reason he is not here is because he could not bear to see me suffer. He is a man and does not realise that is absence causes me more hurt, but he is a man and does not think this way.He knows he is weak and is a coward and my suffering is for him, because he would suffer if he saw me that way. - He is too weak to suffer himself, so he walks away.

I believe xMM is weak and a coward...but I will not give him credit that he couldn't bear to see me suffer. That would= make him a heartfelt saint. He is selfish. No conscience whatsoever. If he did see me suffer, I believe it wouldn't take him long to get past it. Yes, I loved him. And really I still do. But I would never say the things he said to me and walk away. Throwing someone to wolves. Leaving them behind with the carrying the burden of "tramp." He lied. He said he was divorcing. He bashed her for a year and half. And promised a future with me and my kids when I didn't ask for it. Said he loved me in the most intimate moments. Built my trust in him. Begged me to have faith in us when I had none. Criticized me because I didn't believe we would have a happy ending. He was moving out. Talked about new place down to the paint on the walls and buying new furniture. Said he had lease in hand to sign the day before deciding to throw me under the bus. His wife became suspicious of us, so he said lay low...things for us will never change. I have to divorce her the "right way" so she doesn't take everything.

So no...men like this are callous. Professionals I believe. Sociopathic. And I will never be the same again. I feel naked, stripped of all trust. I am not sure if I will ever feel as if I can trust another man.

 

I was told a month ago that he dumped me...kept his wife and his other women. Don't know how true it is. Don't care anymore. He is empty. He hurts others to feel something. I don't need that in my life.

Edited August 17, 2010 by blizzard

[OM1]

siuys -

 

Thanks for the encouraging words you posted on my thread. We are, indeed, going through the exact same thing (and at the exact same time ... and billie too!). I'm at 7 days NC. Keeping track on a small piece of paper in my desk - marking down hash marks like it's a prison sentence. I keep telling myself the same thing you do every single day: if she wanted to be with me, she'd be with me. Someone else on these boards made a great point to me that continues to inspire me. She said that the only question we should ask ourselves is whether our needs are being met NOW. If the answer to that is no, then the relationship is no good. There is no reason why ANY of us should have to settle for something less than what we deserve in a relationship.

 

And Billie - by the way - believe it or not, it is not necessarily a gender thing. We're in the same boat, you and I, just reverse the genders.

 

siuys and Billie - be strong. I'm right here with you. I just put down my hash mark for the day...

[Butterfly11]

I am happy for your Butterfly. Really am. I think you're an exception though. In any case, I believe if my MM really wants to be with me, he will, but i simply cannot ask or hope or whatever. At least there are happy endings. All the best.

Thank you for the good wishes.

 

You cannot ask, no. I never asked him to leave. I encouraged him to find his happiness wherever it may be. You are right, if he does really want to be with you, he will.

 

I understand the hell of being an OW, I was about to end the A before we got caught. I knew if I ended it, like pureinheart said, "and if he comes back D'ed, he's yours forever...."

[Confused4Now]

siuys -

 

Thanks for the encouraging words you posted on my thread. We are, indeed, going through the exact same thing (and at the exact same time ... and billie too!). I'm at 7 days NC. Keeping track on a small piece of paper in my desk - marking down hash marks like it's a prison sentence. I keep telling myself the same thing you do every single day: if she wanted to be with me, she'd be with me. Someone else on these boards made a great point to me that continues to inspire me. She said that the only question we should ask ourselves is whether our needs are being met NOW. If the answer to that is no, then the relationship is no good. There is no reason why ANY of us should have to settle for something less than what we deserve in a relationship.

hahahaha I think i did this last year on a calender...I actually made it to 88 days...However after about the 40th day or so I was in a better place and I stopped marking the calender. The fact you do that says your not even close to being there. I even changed my cell phone number which I'm still pissed I did cause I couldn't maintain my boundary with her. She will fine her way to contact you. They always do. When the first big fight comes you can count on her to put her plan into action in contacting you. She'll start with the poor me pity party.

 

Hold fast and hold strong. Of course you shouldn't settle for less is a big one. She's really not capable of giving you or her H anything right now.

[OM1]

hahahaha I think i did this last year on a calender...I actually made it to 88 days...However after about the 40th day or so I was in a better place and I stopped marking the calender. The fact you do that says your not even close to being there. I even changed my cell phone number which I'm still pissed I did cause I couldn't maintain my boundary with her. She will fine her way to contact you. They always do. When the first big fight comes you can count on her to put her plan into action in contacting you. She'll start with the poor me pity party.

 

Hold fast and hold strong. Of course you shouldn't settle for less is a big one. She's really not capable of giving you or her H anything right now.

 

If she does, I plan on telling her that I don't want any contact with her unless she has left him. Period.

 

That's the plan at least...

[siuys]

hi everyone - i'm in trouble. what a difference a day makes. just yesterday i was posting about getting over my MM. last night he called twice, left messages, and i didn't pick up. he then sent sms (i love you bla bla bla). i didn't answer at first. i went to my window, gut feel tells me he was downstairs - and he was. i pretended i didn't see him. he drove off. i caved in, and called him back. he said he doesn't want to lose what we had and that he loved me.... i told him i will not continue things as they are. he hasn't really given me any options, or offered any new solutions. today, i sent him a long email stating what i am prepared to accept, and what not. i guess i don't want to wait till he's divorced to be with him, but at the same time, i need to see some commitment, not just saying he wants to be with me and keeps the status quo.

 

guys, have i done the wrong thing? i am almost mentally prepared that he's going to flip and walk again. what have i done? we will talk probably tomorrow about this email. all i can count on is action now. any thoughts? i told him his marriage counselling is a joke, and if he continues (and if it's not completion counselling) then i'm out. what sort of action do you think i should look for? or am i too dumb and should i have asked for him to call me after he is divorced? i feel like an idiot but couldn't help myself.

[Billie]

Hi Siuys,

 

Don’t worry I think you did well. Don’t beat yourself up about calling him back, you love him and care for him and are not the type of person to turn your back – even if he is, its just not you and not your character. It actually makes you a better person.

 

He may be contacting you in a moment of weakness, knowing that he shouldn’t but that he misses you too much. He may have been given his life some more thought and realised he made the wrong decision choosing his W or he may be like some other MM’s and is just checking to see if you’re still hankering after him. – I guess you know him best and have to make that call.

 

Sending an email is good, it means you have time to think rationally about what you want and also asking for change is good, showing that you have respect for yourself to not let it carry on with you being the OW.

His response (if any) should tell you how he feels, it should at least tell you if he has re-evaluated his decisions. If he hasn’t and he just wanted to see you as he misses you, well that is not very fair on you. – You were keeping up your end of the agreement with NC even though you were missing him so he should have to suffer the same.

 

These are just my thoughts. – I am pleased you’ve heard from him…and a little jealous that my MM has not contacted me.

 

Good Luck! – Thinking of you.

[Ellin]

hi everyone - i'm in trouble. what a difference a day makes. just yesterday i was posting about getting over my MM. last night he called twice, left messages, and i didn't pick up. he then sent sms (i love you bla bla bla). i didn't answer at first. i went to my window, gut feel tells me he was downstairs - and he was. i pretended i didn't see him. he drove off. i caved in, and called him back. he said he doesn't want to lose what we had and that he loved me.... i told him i will not continue things as they are. he hasn't really given me any options, or offered any new solutions. today, i sent him a long email stating what i am prepared to accept, and what not. i guess i don't want to wait till he's divorced to be with him, but at the same time, i need to see some commitment, not just saying he wants to be with me and keeps the status quo.

 

guys, have i done the wrong thing? i am almost mentally prepared that he's going to flip and walk again. what have i done? we will talk probably tomorrow about this email. all i can count on is action now. any thoughts? i told him his marriage counselling is a joke, and if he continues (and if it's not completion counselling) then i'm out. what sort of action do you think i should look for? or am i too dumb and should i have asked for him to call me after he is divorced? i feel like an idiot but couldn't help myself.

Siuys, you did the right thing. Nothing wrong at all with communicating and trying to sort things out if you believe there is a chance to make it work between the two of you.

 

Sending an email in which you explained exactly what you are prepared to accept is absolutely fine. The important thing is, I guess, to be strong enough to be able to stick to the boundaries you've set up.

 

Don't worry about his reaction. He will think it over. It will be an ongoing process in his mind. He might reply soon or a bit later but he's not prepared to lose you so easily.

 

If he decides that he can't do it, then again - you'll be better off without him, but at least you'll know you gave it your best shot. If he accepts the conditions, then great for you, but make sure the progress is being made the way you want it.

 

You're strong and you'll get through all the difficulties - whichever way it goes. Be prepared for any outcome to avoid disappointment.

 

Best of luck!

[Fight4Me]

I am NOT ok with being the OW.

 

Write this on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, your phone... anywhere you need a good healthy reminder of your own words.

 

I hope that you stipulated this in your letter because I really believe you meant it when you wrote it. It's easy for us to waffle on our own boundaries when we fear losing someone we love, but this is probably the one thing in which you can be certain you have control.

 

Personally, I think it's cruel of him to do this to you, but writing that letter sounds like something you needed to do. Just don't settle for being the OW when you clearly aren't happy being one.

[Confused4Now]

hi everyone - i'm in trouble. what a difference a day makes. just yesterday i was posting about getting over my MM. last night he called twice, left messages, and i didn't pick up. he then sent sms (i love you bla bla bla). i didn't answer at first. i went to my window, gut feel tells me he was downstairs - and he was. i pretended i didn't see him. he drove off. i caved in, and called him back. he said he doesn't want to lose what we had and that he loved me.... i told him i will not continue things as they are. he hasn't really given me any options, or offered any new solutions. today, i sent him a long email stating what i am prepared to accept, and what not. i guess i don't want to wait till he's divorced to be with him, but at the same time, i need to see some commitment, not just saying he wants to be with me and keeps the status quo.

 

guys, have i done the wrong thing? i am almost mentally prepared that he's going to flip and walk again. what have i done? we will talk probably tomorrow about this email. all i can count on is action now. any thoughts? i told him his marriage counselling is a joke, and if he continues (and if it's not completion counselling) then i'm out. what sort of action do you think i should look for? or am i too dumb and should i have asked for him to call me after he is divorced? i feel like an idiot but couldn't help myself.

Wow...I really feel for you. You both are in truly in addiction mode right now....it's like a drug all those things going on in your head and body. I will tell you right now....until does anything that remotely resembles him divorcing his wife....plan on being thrown under the bus again. If he's done it once he will do it again. This man is not healthy right now....nor are you. Your focus is in the wrong place....trust ME I've been where your at. FOCUS on you!!!! I remembered so many time my friends on LS would say things and I'd say...Not my MW no one knows her like I do. We all want to believe our situation is unique and what happens more often than NOT is it ends up being all the same.

 

What's important is you get healthy and work on you be the person you were when you met him. Not the person you are now. UGH!!! I feel for you....BTDT

[siuys]

Thank you all for your reply. I really appreciate the support. I do somewhat agree with the addiction thing, and wonder why that is. It's intoxicating and unrealistic. In any case, the email i wrote to him is very realistic, and it is really something i want and to be negotiated. basically, i want me to be out of the closet, i want him to tell his wife and kids that he seeing someone (i don't need to meet anyone just yet). he needs to stop going to counselling if he said he's done with his marriage, and he needs to tell his wife that he is DONE with the marriage, and not go there giving her hope (if that is in fact the truth). if it's a completion counselling, then i want a deadline e.g. a month or so. and that in a few months time i would expect him to start filing for divorce. everything is very concrete. honestly, this uncomfortable feeling (you know the one i'm talking about) creeps up too often for me to even be able to continue this way. If he won't give, then he's not the person i thought he was. then really, i will wait for the divorce. there is no other way i don't want to suffer anymore.

[siuys]

Also, he said on more than one occasion 'I respect how valuable you are' - what exactly does that mean?! either someone or something is valuable or not, but respecting how valuable you are? anyone?

[Confused4Now]

Thank you all for your reply. I really appreciate the support. I do somewhat agree with the addiction thing, and wonder why that is. It's intoxicating and unrealistic. In any case, the email i wrote to him is very realistic, and it is really something i want and to be negotiated. basically, i want me to be out of the closet, i want him to tell his wife and kids that he seeing someone (i don't need to meet anyone just yet)This certainly is not going to happen and besides you still haven't gone through a D-Day yet and you will and be thrown under the bus too. he needs to stop going to counselling if he said he's done with his marriage,he probably never went to counseling just told you that to show how seriously bad things are at home. and he needs to tell his wife that he is DONE with the marriage and why should he disclose you and stir crap up if he's done there is no reason to tell her just leave, I would only disclose if I wanted to save my marriage., and not go there giving her hope (if that is in fact the truth). if it's a completion counselling, then i want a deadline hahahaahahah BTDT you'll be marching to a date only to be disappointed e.g. a month or so. and that in a few months time i would expect him to start filing for divorce. everything is very concrete. honestly, this uncomfortable feeling I can tell you this that uncomfortable feeling goes away when you're not trying to keep pulling your MM to get his butt moving on things. Honestly when she was in my life I was more stressed thinking when is she going to start ...ugh (you know the one i'm talking about) creeps up too often for me to even be able to continue this way. If he won't give, He will give you one thing and then it will take months for the next thing to get done. Just enough to keep you on the side..then he's not the person i thought he was. then really, i will wait for the divorce. and you'll be waiting a long time there is no other way i don't want to suffer anymore.

 

In bold.....Never control the situation...this is their journey they will only blame you down the road for making do something they weren't ready to do. You need to tell him to look you up when he's done with everything. then you won't be stressing.

Edited August 18, 2010 by Confused4Now

[fooled once]

I am in the process of getting over my MM, who ended the A to give his marriage another go. It's only been a week so things are tough right now. I do not want to hope that he'll come back (although I did indicate I would take him back - how stupid of me). What I want to do is to move on regardless of what he does or does not do.

 

Just out of curiosity, does anyone know of any MM who actually finished the affair, sort out their life, and came back to the OW? I know I am daydreaming here but also curious since the probability seems so incredibly low?

 

to answer the original question ... yes many times they do come back...but many times, it is still to an affair.

 

When you say "finished the affair" ... what do you mean? As in ended the affair to work on the marriage, PRIOR to their being a d-day? Or there was a dday, he threw the OW under the bus, apologized to the wife, wife initially wanted to work out the marriage, it was decided to end the marriage and MM went back to OW? or MM ended the affair so he could in 'good conscious' end the marriage and then back to the OW?

[siuys]

fooled once, i guess i meant ended the A/R to work on marriage, prior to D. what is d-day?

 

confused4now: i completely agree that you can't make someone do what they are not willing to do. my thinking at this stage is i am not going to be accommodating anymore so if we were to continue this thing before he gets a divorce (assuming he wants one at this stage), then he will have to do some of the things i have requested. if he doesn't or drags his heels, then i know he is not serious. then i will tell him to get a divorce then maybe we can talk again. i'd be curious what he has to say to my email tonight when we meet. but i am prepared that i'd have to let him go for good this time. something's gotta give. thanks all for your support and honesty.

[Confused4Now]

fooled once, i guess i meant ended the A/R to work on marriage, prior to D. what is d-day?

 

confused4now: i completely agree that you can't make someone do what they are not willing to do. my thinking at this stage is i am not going to be accommodating anymore so if we were to continue this thing before he gets a divorce (assuming he wants one at this stage), then he will have to do some of the things i have requested. if he doesn't or drags his heels, then i know he is not serious. then i will tell him to get a divorce then maybe we can talk again. i'd be curious what he has to say to my email tonight when we meet. but i am prepared that i'd have to let him go for good this time. something's gotta give. thanks all for your support and honesty.

All I suggest is you hold firm on what your conditions are and stick to them....you have to. if he see's he can walk all over you he'll keep doing it and doing it. I guess we will stay tuned? Keep posting...I'd also like to know his response to your email.

[siuys]

Yes, stay tuned. I don't have a very good feeling about this. Not sure why. But i will be talking to him soon about the email and then we'll see. Thanks guys.