Do they ever come back?

[jj33]

Write it and send it to yourself or write it and post it here (with identifying details removed). Of course you want to tell him but it will break NC and what will it do?

 

If he doesnt respond, you will feel awful.

 

If he responds and breaks down and wants to trash NC you will be in a bad situation.

 

Deep in your heart you want him to apologize profusely and tell you he loves you more than life itself and he doesnt need 6 months (you will say no but you do or you wouldnt need to write it).

 

He knows he treatd you badly. Over the course of the next few weeks you may find a zillion "essential" reasons to contact him. Ignore those urgencies if you want to have NC.

 

You know what you had. You know how he feels about you. No reason to lash out if the feellings are good. If the feelings are not good then good riddance.

 

I say this having lashed out in many emails. Its who I am, sometimes I just have to. But I wish I didnt need to and could hold my tongue more often. I think its the better way to go (do as I say not as I do:))

[siuys]

You know what you had. You know how he feels about you. No reason to lash out if the feellings are good. If the feelings are not good then good riddance.

 

thanks jj33 your response makes a lot of sense to me, especially this para. i guess i lean towards NC and because have never done this, hence asking for advice.

 

this is what i thought of writing to MM:

i realised a lot of things about myself this past few days, as well as the reality of our warped relationship.

 

in order for me to really move on, i am letting you know that i am no longer going to wait for you. i have already done this waiting game long enough. and i am no longer willing to be some transitory person and stick around until you are ready to cast me aside again. so i am getting on with my life, and wish you all the very best in sorting out yours. no one knows what the future brings, but right now, it's truly over.

 

take care and please do not reply to this email.

[jj33]

i am no longer willing to be some transitory person and stick around until you are ready to cast me aside again. so i am getting on with my life, and wish you all the very best in sorting out yours. no one knows what the future brings, but right now, it's truly over.

 

take care and please do not reply to this email.

 

I understand your need to tell him he has hurt you and telling him not to respond is good but think about it. Think hard as you are breaking NC and it may not be in your best interests.

 

Big hugs day at a time

[Thunderbolt]

I completely agree with jj. Don't contact him! It will give him the satisfaction that you've been thinking about him. He doesn't deserve this. Make him wonder what you're doing and what you're thinking. He's living his life without you, you should do the same. Make him come back to you. In his heart, he already knows everything you've written in this email you'll never send.

 

Trust me, I''ve been exactly where you're at right now. And in fact, I've made the mistake of sending that so called "final email" several times. It doesn't work. It may get him back into your life, but it will be temporary as he will still have unresolved issues in his life. Your email will only be a quick fix. I've done it before. If feels great at first but the good feelings quickly die and you'll be back to square one.

 

Do what you want. I'm just giving you feedback on personal experience. I personally don't think it's worth it.

 

This is a super hard time for you and I'm sure you've never experienced pain like this before. I get this, it hurts like hell. But, be strong and let him figure out his crap on his own. You will only cloud his judgement.

 

Good luck.

[siuys]

You're right thunderbolt. thanks for your response and i appreciate the firm tone. i needed it! and no, i have not sent it and will not. i think today being the weekend is more difficult... there were so many times i wanted to sms him - i wonder if he misses me, i wonder if he still feels the same way bla bla bla.

 

it is just so hard to end a relationship when both parties are still in love. how the hell do you do that? in my head i know that this is by far the best thing - if he comes back he will have cleaned up his mess, and if not, i will have recovered and hopefully moved on.

 

thank you all for your support. i really appreciate it.

[Summer Breeze]

You're right thunderbolt. thanks for your response and i appreciate the firm tone. i needed it! and no, i have not sent it and will not. i think today being the weekend is more difficult... there were so many times i wanted to sms him - i wonder if he misses me, i wonder if he still feels the same way bla bla bla.

 

it is just so hard to end a relationship when both parties are still in love. how the hell do you do that? in my head i know that this is by far the best thing - if he comes back he will have cleaned up his mess, and if not, i will have recovered and hopefully moved on.

 

thank you all for your support. i really appreciate it.

 

Hang tough and you'll be fine. It's not easy but in all honesty it's just another breakup. If you've been dumped you know the pain of still loving someone and you want them to feel as horrible as you do. It's the same with the MM. You want to feel he valued your relationship. My thoughts are you want to send the message so you'll get a response. You may not think it but you probably are. What happens when he doesn't respond? What are you left with then? You know he's read it and he's chosen to ignore it. That's soul destroying.

 

I have a facebook accunt that I write to. It has no friends and I have notes and a few pictures of us. It's a familiar place because I've made it that way. It was a while ago we split up and I set this up. It was originally a place to vent and carry on. Now when I write I'm writing about men I'm dating, classes I'm taking and my life in general. Once in a while I'll remember something funny or poignant about him and write it down. My writing has reflected the change in me and I love it. I've tapered off on a lot of it and I'm sure one day I won't go in at all.

 

Good luck to you Babes. Keep the faith!

[Ellin]

Siuys, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain.

 

You're hurting because you miss him and feel rejected but really, if he's on his own now and trying to sort himself out, it seems like the right thing to do.

 

He needs space to figure out how to deal with his situation and he's emotionally messed up, so can't offer anything good to anybody. It is reasonable to keep his distance and it would be worse and more perhaps selfish of him if he tried to keep you involved in his mess.

 

Jumping from one R to another can result in turmoil and chaos, and it is better to first sort things out and then start again with clearer mind.

 

Of course no one knows at this point what he will do and decide and this is so hard for you and it's perfectly understandable that you don't want to wait in suspension. Waiting for something to happen is different and so much easier than waiting to find out what will happen, especially if the result means so much. The unbearable mixture of hope and fear.

 

I wish I could tell you something that would make it easier, but I haven't figure this out yet, even for myself. For sure the focus should be on distancing yourself emotionally from this, as this is the only thing you have any control over that can help you - but of course it's easier said than done.

 

But if he's really on his own now and working on resolving his issues, then I think he's doing the right thing. I'm sure he never wanted to hurt you, but got caught up in this just like you did.

 

All the best and lots of hugs for you.

[siuys]

Thank you Ellin, for your kind words. And I do agree with you, I think not getting involved now is the only way. It is hard, but I am doing ok. I guess I just miss him.

 

Funnily enough, I haven't slept so well in a long time, and I am taking care of my health again having abused it for a little while. Although it has only been a few days, I realised how toxic the relationship was, at least for me anyway, and how addictive we both were, and in turn, how unhealthy.

 

I also realised how twisted the whole thing was, and how we didn't do nearly enough of the 'normal' things that 'normal' couples do. Instead of going hiking more often for example, which we both love, we'd be sitting in bed talking about his marriage, or why he was freaking out. Instead of getting to know each other deeper and enjoy each others' company at the beginning of the relationship, I was waiting and getting stressed out about when he was going to move out from his marital home, etc etc.

 

I am mourning the relationship, and I miss him terribly, but I have also calmed down and realised this break is by the best thing. I have regained some respect for him because he seems to be able to stick to the decision this time round. I also realise this is a huge opportunity for personal growth for the both of us, whether or not we get back together.

 

I used to practise some of the 'principles' in the book the Power of Now. I completely threw away everything i learnt for the past 6 months. i have started to re-read the book, and have found it a tremendous help. i am learning to live my life and move on without him, and should he decide he wants to get back together, i will consider it then.

 

Day by day, but I am finding that my tearful time is diminishing. I do miss him, and curious to know what and how he is doing, but to be kind to each other, i have left him alone. Future will be what it will be.

 

I will keep you all informed and for sure I'll get 'desperate' again and post here ranting on. Thanks for all your help. Lots of hugs for all of you.

[Thunderbolt]

You sound like you're doing so much better today. You will have good days and bad days. Good for you on starting to re-read the Power of Now. I may just do the same as I read it a while back and have also seemed to have forgotten everything I've learned due to the circumstances revolving around MM.

 

If you keep on being strong like you currently are, a lot more will come into focus regarding your past R. You will begin to see things more clear and become more rational and objective than you've been in a long time.

 

It's so weird how we slowly got tangled in this web without really realizing it. MM and I would do the same thing you mentioned. It felt like we were spending so much time talking about what could be, what should be, what ifs, blah, blah, blah. You're right, a real relationship involves doing plenty of activities together out in the open, i.e. hiking.

 

I think in time we kept hoping that these types of things would become a reality. Therefore, we spent all this time talking about the same things over and over. Looking back, it exhausts me just thinking about all the wasted hours of talking and planning.

 

You're doing great. Keep your head up and know that you will become stronger each day. I know how much you miss him. I still miss MM every day but keep reminding myself of all the b.s. that went along with having him in my life. Sure, I have bad days just like everyone else. But, contacting him will surely send me back to square one. I don't ever want to go back there as long as I live.

 

We deserve so much more than what they were giving us.

[tami-chan]

Siuys, sorry for your pain...but cliche-ish as it may sound-"time heals".

 

But to answer you original question. I was an MOW. I had a long affair with a MM-ours was not as convoluted as it sounds. My story is somewhere in the archives, if you care to know. We broke up for more than a year and half( to sort our lives) and we are back together-both of us are divorced from our respective spouses. So, yes, it can happen-might be slim, though.

[siuys]

hi tami-chan, it is nice to hear stories with happy endings. i am happy for you, and i can imagine how the year and a half break did help you two to sort your lives out. even a few days has already made a difference for me.

 

i will try to find your posts (but it's not easy) so if you don't mind, tell me in a nutshell how it was for you, and did you totally go NC during this year and a half? and what happened at the end? Did he call you?

 

i am working towards not hoping. it's just a lose-lose for me. i genuinely love him, and i hope all works out for him, whatever it might be. it would be fairy tale scenario if he came back 'whole' and 'cleaned-up' and that we both feel the same way. but i must get on with life now.

 

looking forward to your reply.

[siuys]

Bad day. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was so tempted to call MM but thankfully I called my girlfriends instead. This is so tough. Fact is, I KNOW I will hear from MM in a few months. I just wish the break up was more final - I feel like I'm dangling and floating with feet off the ground...

[Thunderbolt]

How are you doing today siuys? I'm so glad you called your girlfriends instead of calling MM.

 

There is a good possibility you will hear from MM again at some time. It's usually around the 8 week mark. It happened to me last time, after 7 weeks he emailed me.

 

MM emailed me yesterday...after nearly 9 weeks. There was no mention of leaving his wife. Only telling me how much he still thinks about me and doesn't regret anything. How he feels blessed to have had me in his life. How he still loves me with all his heart. How he wished he could have done things differently.

 

This is where it gets really tough. I so badly want to respond to him, but I know I can't. If he was D or even thinking about it, he would have made it perfectly clear. If he was D, he would have picked up the phone and called me.

 

What I'm saying is that your MM will most likely try to contact you at some point. Be strong and resist the temptation to reply. I was so close to writing back to him last night but have been told by many LS members to just sleep on it. I did, and I'm so glad I waited. It sure has messed with my head today though. I must admit that it gives me some sense of peace knowing that he still thinks about me and loves me.

[siuys]

Hi thunderbolt. I am doing ok many thanks. I slept well last night although i notice everyday i have bad moments when i feel weak and want to call MM. thank god for girlfriends, and thank god for LS and people like yourself. without you guys i'd be stuffed.

 

Gosh, i don't know what to say. After nearly 9 weeks your MM contacted you. i can see how it's nice to know that he still thinks of and loves you, but how hard it is. thank you for the warning. Maybe you feel the same way, but one of the main reasons that I managed not to contact MM is also that I REALLY don't want to go back to the same old situation. I'd rather end it. I do not know what will happen in a few months time, and it is hard not knowing, but one thing I do know I am no longer willing to put up with crumbs.

 

And well done to you for not replying to him. I agree, if his situation were different, he would have told you. It's actually unfair that he contacted you. I guess he wanted a reply? He is in the same position whereas you are slowly moving on... why open the wound? Sigh sigh...

 

Keep me posted. And hope you are doing OK.

[siuys]

Thunderbolt, I read some of your posts. You have been in it much longer than I have. it must be hard. 4 years is a long time. I met my MM 6 months ago. It was an intense relationship with us being a very good fit. My MM's kids are older, how about yours? Has your MM even contemplated D in a serious way? Have you guys talked about it? Just curious. Hope you don't mind me asking...

 

I miss my MM every single day and wonder if he will actually come back after he sorts his life out. I guess I will know in time if that was all just b.s. but like my therapist said, I've been so good at this waiting game, and putting up with crumbs. I keep reminding myself that I mustn't let my needy side take over. I must take care and nurture myself and not look for love and connection from him, coz he's not able to give it to me fully. He cannot be in it 100% and that's just not good enough, no matter how much he said he loves me or misses me.

 

I have never been in this situation before. All my previous relationships have been 'normal', not with unavailable people. This is a hard lesson. And everything I've read (online and offline) about being involved with an unavailable person, is that they really need to be the one to do something about it if they truly wanted out. And we have to be the strong ones to walk away from something that is bad for us. Honestly, I think if my MM contacted me without any 'offers', I will not respect him and I may actually find it easier to let him go.... I guess in this case I really need to be using my head more than my heart... all the best, Thunderbolt. Keep me posted on how you are feeling.

[Thunderbolt]

It doesn't matter that your A has only been going on for 6 months. I believe you when you say that it was a very intense relationship. Whether it's 6 months or 6 years, if the chemistry and passion are there, the ending is going to be painful.

 

MM kids are younger. Yes, him and W discussed D after he moved out. She got a lawyer and started looking for a different home. She also got a job. I think she reconsidered and asked him to move back home. At this time, MM and I were having serious relationship problems. After he moved out, we both turned into monsters. He obviously underestimated how emotional it would be on him. He is very close with his kids and I know he missed them a lot.

 

We both made a lot of mistakes after he moved out. I became very needy and clingy and in hindsight, I should have given him a lot more space. There was no handbook on how to deal with our situation. I wish that we would have just taken some time apart after he moved out so he could work through the issues.

 

His youngest had a really tough time dealing with the separation. She would bawl every time MM would leave her. She would beg him to come back home. I think after waiting for MM for so long, I expected everything to happen much sooner than what was probably possible. In hindsight, my expectations were a bit high. It didn't help that he moved out a couple months before the holidays.

 

After he moved out, I expected it to be pure bliss and happiness 24/7. In hindsight, I should've know that this wasn't possible. We both made some mistakes along the way that we've both owned up to. But, the damage has been done and I don't foresee him every leaving his family again. It would just be too hard on everyone.

 

I ended up having one final meltdown at the end of the 3 months and he told me he couldn't take the ups and downs anymore. We didn't talk for a month. Then he sent me a text telling me he was moving back home. It broke my heart.

 

Two months later, he emailed me. I foolishly responded. He said he wasn't happy at home and wished he hadn't moved back. We resumed our A for about a month. I was amazed at how quickly I got fed up with being back to where I hated being. He said that he wanted to leave again but didn't know how he could hurt everyone again. I said okay but that I wouldn't be continuing the A as long as he was confused.

 

Fast forward 7 weeks and he contacts me again. We engaged in dialog for a couple weeks and end up meeting each other for a night of passion. The next morning I find out that him and W have not even talked about his A. Completely swept under the rug. No IC or MC. I found this shocking and it made me really mad. He told me that him and W planned on addressing it soon as they've both been really busy. I wrote him a final email and told him to never contact me again unless he was D. Well, like clockwork, 9 weeks later, I hear from him.

 

This is where I'm at right now. This is the first time I haven't responded. I know that I can't respond or else I'll be right back in this vicious cycle. It's time for me to move on with my life. This is why I warn you about MM contacting you. It's so easy to get sucked back in. I've been a sucker for this for way too long.

 

Sorry about the long post, thought you'd appreciate the background and what you could potentially be in for if you let him back into your life. Giving him space right now is the best possible thing you could be doing. This is your best chance at ever being with him. This is the best way for him to sort through his issues.

[Ellin]

How are you doing today siuys? I'm so glad you called your girlfriends instead of calling MM.

 

There is a good possibility you will hear from MM again at some time. It's usually around the 8 week mark. It happened to me last time, after 7 weeks he emailed me.

 

MM emailed me yesterday...after nearly 9 weeks. There was no mention of leaving his wife. Only telling me how much he still thinks about me and doesn't regret anything. How he feels blessed to have had me in his life. How he still loves me with all his heart. How he wished he could have done things differently.

 

This is where it gets really tough. I so badly want to respond to him, but I know I can't. If he was D or even thinking about it, he would have made it perfectly clear. If he was D, he would have picked up the phone and called me.

 

What I'm saying is that your MM will most likely try to contact you at some point. Be strong and resist the temptation to reply. I was so close to writing back to him last night but have been told by many LS members to just sleep on it. I did, and I'm so glad I waited. It sure has messed with my head today though. I must admit that it gives me some sense of peace knowing that he still thinks about me and loves me.

My goodness, this is the sort of thing that would break my heart if I heard it from someone I'd like to spend my life with but couldn't. I mean - he wishes he could have done things differently? He still could do it, isn't that right? But just wishing... I hope I'm not upsetting you here but how did you feel about that?

 

I'm glad though that him contacting you made you feel good in some way, even if it opens the old wounds a little.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope you'll soon find peace and happiness.

Edited August 31, 2010 by Ellin

[Ellin]

Siuys just want to say that I'm folloing your thread and thinking about you and I do know that terrible pain... I wish you strength (which you've got anyway) and hope it will ease for you bit by bit, until you'll be ok again.

 

hugs.

[siuys]

Thanks so much Ellin for your support. And thank you Thunderbolt for your post. It is extremely helpful for me to read your story although I wish you weren't hurting. I REALLY don't want to get sucked back into it, and I hope if and when he contacts me again, he will have something new to say or he would have moved forward.

 

I will write again soon. Hang in there Thunderbolt you are doing great. Don't let him ruin your life. Action is everything. I love you bla bla bla doesn't mean s*** without action. If he can't make up his mind and make a stand, he is not worth your while.

 

Hugs

[terrific]

How are you doing today siuys? I'm so glad you called your girlfriends instead of calling MM.

 

There is a good possibility you will hear from MM again at some time. It's usually around the 8 week mark. It happened to me last time, after 7 weeks he emailed me.

 

MM emailed me yesterday...after nearly 9 weeks. There was no mention of leaving his wife. Only telling me how much he still thinks about me and doesn't regret anything. How he feels blessed to have had me in his life. How he still loves me with all his heart. How he wished he could have done things differently.

 

This is where it gets really tough. I so badly want to respond to him, but I know I can't. If he was D or even thinking about it, he would have made it perfectly clear. If he was D, he would have picked up the phone and called me.

 

What I'm saying is that your MM will most likely try to contact you at some point. Be strong and resist the temptation to reply. I was so close to writing back to him last night but have been told by many LS members to just sleep on it. I did, and I'm so glad I waited. It sure has messed with my head today though. I must admit that it gives me some sense of peace knowing that he still thinks about me and loves me.

Why do they come back? Is it a man thing? Do more men come back than women. I am a member on another forum and all day long, one has been coming back. Goodness, ugh. It seems like it is never really over.

[Thunderbolt]

siuys, you seem to be a lot stronger than a lot of people in your situation. No doubt it's tough. I'm surprisingly finding strength through you right now. You are being so level headed and refusing to give into the temptation to contact him. There are a couple of other posts floating around about people having a tough time so deep into the NC process right now. Myself included. There must be something the air. Initially, NC was extremely difficult, as you know. But then, the fog lifted and I accepted it and dealt with the loss better than I ever have. When I found your post, I was starting to feel heavy and starting to feel the loss deeply again. It's almost like MM could sense this as he sent me the email yesterday. I'm truly in a better place with him out of my life, but the email hit me harder than I thought.

 

Like Ellin said, MM wished he could have done things differently...he still can but hasn't.

 

terrific, you might be right. It does seem like it's never really over and they keep coming back for all the wrong reasons. My problem has been that I'm never strong enough to say no to him.

 

I guess in the end, we are in control of our own futures. As long as I keep giving in to him, I'm going to keep getting the same results.

 

I've posted more in the last week than I have in the last 6 months. I hope this means that I truly want to make a change and eliminate MM from my life. siuys, you made a reference to this earlier and you are spot on. WE need to make the changes. Also, like you said, it's so hard to make the transition from thinking with our hearts to thinking with our heads.

[Grace2010]

siuys-HUGE HUGS. I am right there with you, m'dear. It was reading your posts yesterday that made me finally register and chime in. There is so much to our stories that are similar, and I just wanted you to know that you're not alone

 

from recognizing that it is a lose-lose, no matter HOW it ends, to just plain not wanting to go back THERE again. I hear you.

 

I don't remember-how far out are you?

 

I am 5-ish weeks (don't remember, maybe 6?) and will tell you that the first week or two were an almost daily battle. I wrestled with trying to accept and be at peace with a decision that, while I was a part of the making of, wasn't what I would have picked.

 

I mean, I KNOW it's the right one. But dammit, it wasn't what the fairytale in my head said would happen. And I want THAT.

 

We had shared our email accounts a long time ago, and one of the big things I asked that he do was change his passwords so I couldn't read the back-and-forth between the two of them. It was absolute torture.

 

I changed all of my passwords and started journaling to one of the accounts, to him, as an outlet and a way to say what was in my heart without affecting the work he is trying to do. That wouldn't be fair to him.

 

So I journaled, sometimes twice a day, emailed myself quotes, songs, etc. Soon I journaled a little less, and I don't think I've felt the urge to say anything for over two weeks? Maybe more?

 

It's so good to go back and see where I was and how far I've come since then.

 

And one day I realized that I AM stronger than I have ever been. I AM more peaceful. I miss him, and I love him...but I don't ever want to go back to that. To crumbs. I am worth more, and he agrees.

 

We went NC for a few weeks, then LC (the why is here). NC was so much easier in some regards...it stops you from hoping, and allows you to really work on yourself. I'd like to go back to NC, but just can't see how without raising suspicion. So we don't see or talk unless at social things, and email periodically to see where each other is at (head-wise).

 

If you can stay NC, do it. Breaking it is a brief rush, but the joy in hearing his voice, seeing him, knowing how he is is quickly overshadowed by the goodbye that always comes too soon. And each of those is a reminder of WHY this situation needs to change. (thank you, Thunderbolt, for giving such a great example)

 

Wow-I got long-winded. Sorry. Just know that you're not alone. Try to be strong.

 

I read a wonderful book recommended by my therapist that you might enjoy. it helped me put a lot of stuff into perspective and feel much more confident about what it is that I want and need from my relationships.

 

Hang in there.

[2themoon&back]

Siuyus, we are going through the very same thing.

 

My MM wanted to be with me he told his W. She wanted to make the M work. - He then told me he had decided to stay at home with his W to try and make his M work. He said he didn’t know if he was making the right decision but he knew he had to try. He then said he could no longer see or talk to me and would not call or text me anymore. - I was cast aside as quickly as that.

 

It has been a week since he told his W and just 3 days NC. I am going through all these ups and downs too.

 

I also text him to tell him that I was going to move on, but if it does not work out between him and his W then there MAY still be a chance for us.

(I go throught times thinking ths is stupid and times thinking it was right. I am unale to really know what his feelings about me were, but I would have been with him - I felt we had something, and I think that making him know how I felt will make him realise what he is missing and what he too has lost. as I was someone who honstly cared.)

 

The last few days have been quite bad, I was incredibly upset and alone and was so mad, I thought "how dare he have the luxury of not getting to see all of the hurt he has caused, why does he think he can be afforded the opportunity to walk away and not see how upset he has made me.”

 

At first I thought "if he cared for me like he said he did, he would be here" but then I thought that is not true. And in actual fact, The reason he is not here is because he could not bear to see me suffer.

 

He is a man and does not realise that is absence causes me more hurt, but he is a man and does not think this way.

 

He knows he is weak and is a coward and my suffering is for him, because he would suffer if he saw me that way. - He is too weak to suffer himself, so he walks away.

 

I came to this board looking for similar answers… Will his M work?, can they reconcile? Does he miss me? – We need to come to places like this and ask these questions because they are not around to ask these questions to.

 

LS really does help, keep coming here, when you think you want to text or call him, come here instead or call a supportive friend.

 

Someone on here said to me that if it was meant to be, then it will be. I reassure myself by thinking that his life is no picnic at the moment either (and he has himself to blame for that.)

 

Today I am trying to be positive, take it one day at a time.

Good luck today!

 

 

i thought i was reading my own post ........ i feel for you and me

we are riding the same roller coaster and it is awful. i have no idea what i am doing besides asking all those same questions and having no answers... just lost!!! i am new to LS but i will keep coming back and will look you up so we can maybe support each other and find some peace in the situation we have chosen. i miss him so very much i feel physical pain sometime and my head swims with thoughts, i got a journal just for him and i write to him every day, he may not ever see it but i have a place to put all the things i want to say to him and it seems to help me. keep in touch and remember you are not alone !!!

[siuys]

Thunderbolt, many thanks for your post. I only got time to read it carefully now. Boy, it sure is tough stuff. This is my story:

 

I met MM 6 months ago. Very intense all that. 2 months after it started, I went overseas (had planned the trip before I met him). I didn't have a return date. We weren't going to keep contact but that lasted two days. I told him during my absence that I would only see him again if he moved out. 5 weeks later he did. I cut short my trip and came back, moved to his side of the city. He suggested moving together, I didn't think that was a good idea - too early, too crazy, everyone would know and s*** would hit the fan.

 

Fast forward two months I started to notice he was getting emotionally unstable and missing his sons very much. There was a lot of guilt and confusion for him I think. I started to get needy and clingy and it didn't help the situation. I started to feel what the hell kind of a relationship is this? We spent far too much time talking about his marriage, bla bla bla. I felt like his therapist. We had good times don't get me wrong but things were very slowly deteriorating although at the same time we were becoming close.

 

Fast forward another month and emotionally even more unstable, he started flipping and flopping. First it was going back to give his marriage another go. Going to marriage counselling (hello?!). Four days later he came back. I realised he came back coz he loved me and missed me bla bla but had nothing concrete to offer. I suggested him to go to individual counselling - only opportunity to talk about his truth/reality.

 

Day he went to individual counselling he ended it with me, saying he needs a 6-month break to sort himself out, and that he wants to come back whole and normal and not drag me down with him. For some reason I don't believe a word he told me. Not sure why maybe because of all the flipping and flopping. I was very hurt obviously and tired of being stuffed around. I was upset and got a little desperate and was calling and sending sms the next day after we broke up. After the 2nd day I calmed down and realised there is absolutely nothing I can do - he will do what he will do. I will do what I will do.

 

I see so much potential with him, but am unwilling to get sucked back into that position. Like you said, it's a vicious cycle. No win for me at all.

 

It's only been a week so it's still hard. But today is the first day i have not cried. Progress. I still wonder if what he told me has any truth in it. Or if it's just b.s. as he's a coward. Time will tell I guess. I sometimes get angry and think why hasn't he called and see if i was ok. Why hasn't he told me that he still wants to be with me but just takes time to sort things out. Why hasn't he given me any comfort? He is selfish, that's why.

 

But I also know that this is by far the best thing. I can sleep again (most of the time). I can function at work, and I don't feel like a complete wreck anymore.

 

I am also very grateful for everyone of you on this forum. It's been an immense help for me, and I am always amazed how supportive women can be to each other. I really hope all of you will stay strong and have the strength and courage to do what it's best for you. I seek support daily from you guys, and hope I can be a bit of help to you. You are definitely not alone.

[siuys]

Hi Grace2010 and 2themoon&back - many thanks for your posts. I am sorry you are hurting. Yes, I think this is an important support group.

 

I'm only 1 week into NC so still raw. I tend to agree NC is best - it does allow you to work on yourself, and process everything without the influence of MM. Things are starting to become clearer for me. Like Thunderbolt said, I no longer feel like I'm in a fog. I still miss him terribly and I do love him, but I am also angry - at him and at myself for letting myself into such an awful situation. But like everything, there is always an opportunity to learn and grow, and that's how I choose to see it now.

 

I will never want to go back to that awful place again. I am truly hoping MM will not contact me for a few months (when he said he would). I truly hope he will move forward for his own sake (as he was desperately unhappy). Whether he comes back or not, I wish him well. I think I will be fine. Of course I'd like to give our relationship a new start, but it might be wishful thinking.

 

Hang in there girls. We're all in the same boat and will give each other support. Keep posting and keep well.