Why does he rely on other girls!?

[Confused & Jealous]

I have been in a long distance relationship for 4 yrs. We both get jealous and upset about similiar things, so we made good progress and worked things out pretty well. Until, i found out that everytime it gets bad between us, or i want to have a few days away from talking to him to calm down (and because im a student, i do alot of work) that he goes behind my back and talks to other girls, and then lies about it when i find out.

 

He promises me that he is not talking to other girls online, but he is lying!

 

This has happened with 6 different girls now. As far as i know, he is just talking to them (online). Although, through the lies, i don't think i can believe him anymore. I feel so devasted because we promised each other we wouldn't sneek around like that, and i kept my promise!

 

He has been so wonderful lately and it's been amazing between us, and, then this came out ... and i dont feel like i can let it go. I probably feel more betrayed simply because we met online, and this makes me feel like i'm so easily replaced.

 

 

Should i just walk away ???

[New_Life08]

It is the lying that is the betrayal. I know how you feel and I know it is hard to trust his word after you catch him lying especially where other women are concerned. He lied because he knows he did something that is not cool when you are in a relationship.

 

I think such a long-term relationship deserves another chance. Everyone makes mistakes or lies from time to time out of fear. You need to explain to him that no matter what he does...nothing is going to make you leave quicker than his lying to you.

 

It is hard to trust his word I know; but, if everything else is great between you, it might just be a case of his fear of losing you. Usually if people are cheating or wanting out they don't tend to go out of their way to be loving with you.

 

Just keep your eyes open; if it seems to become a pattern there may be someone else he is interested in. Then I would think about leaving.

 

All my best..

[stace79]

I think the fact that he "gets back at you" by talking to other girls after a fight is potentially a land mine. Especially if he is talking to them about your problems together.

 

Frankly, the fact that he did it AND lied to you about it would be a deal breaker for me. LDRs are hard enough without knowing that somebody is willfully lying to you.

[New_Life08]

I think the fact that he "gets back at you" by talking to other girls after a fight is potentially a land mine. Especially if he is talking to them about your problems together.

 

Frankly, the fact that he did it AND lied to you about it would be a deal breaker for me. LDRs are hard enough without knowing that somebody is willfully lying to you.

 

I agree with this completely. If he is talking to them purposely to pay you back for something --that is not in good character and he needs a reality check.

 

Make sure you are firm because many people who are trying to have their cake and eat it too will not take you at your word...they just find better ways to hide it.

[NYCmitch25]

I have been in a long distance relationship for 4 yrs. We both get jealous and upset about similiar things, so we made good progress and worked things out pretty well. Until, i found out that everytime it gets bad between us, or i want to have a few days away from talking to him to calm down (and because im a student, i do alot of work) that he goes behind my back and talks to other girls, and then lies about it when i find out.

 

He promises me that he is not talking to other girls online, but he is lying!

 

This has happened with 6 different girls now. As far as i know, he is just talking to them (online). Although, through the lies, i don't think i can believe him anymore. I feel so devasted because we promised each other we wouldn't sneek around like that, and i kept my promise!

 

He has been so wonderful lately and it's been amazing between us, and, then this came out ... and i dont feel like i can let it go. I probably feel more betrayed simply because we met online, and this makes me feel like i'm so easily replaced.

 

 

Should i just walk away ???

 

Why would people want to have a virtual relationship is beyond me, OK not entirely because I've done it short term myself. Though through reading I learned that humans are NOT designed for long distance relationships. We are tribal peoples at heart and have smaller tighter knit communities (despite the 500 FB contacts). I'm sure if he hasn't started cheating, it will soon. and should. Spending every night fighting with someone is not a good relationship.

 

You are largely wasting your time with him, you are wasting energy, and getting worked up over a situation humanly destined for failure. Let him be, find yourself a nice guy within 20 miles of your diameter and move on. Stop wasting your life...

 

PS> call me .. LOL :-P

[NYCmitch25]

 

I think such a long-term relationship deserves another chance. Everyone makes mistakes or lies from time to time out of fear. You need to explain to him that no matter what he does...nothing is going to make you leave quicker than his lying to you.

 

Honestly, this is horrible advice, a virtual 4 year relationship apart is more like a weekend relationship in the real world. I guess at this point she could graduate and go home to this guy but still long distances for human interpersonal relationships are certain to fail, and biologically that can be shown.

 

It's actually quite amazing she held it together for so long, but I would suspect that he has cheated if she didn't. I might suggest that she use condoms with the bf as well.. Better yet, find a guy in her neck of the woods, I'm sorry we aren't THAT unique, there are numerous people in every town that would probably make better bf's then this sex deprived creep.

[Clep]

I have been in a long distance relationship for 4 yrs. We both get jealous and upset about similiar things, so we made good progress and worked things out pretty well. Until, i found out that everytime it gets bad between us, or i want to have a few days away from talking to him to calm down (and because im a student, i do alot of work) that he goes behind my back and talks to other girls, and then lies about it when i find out.

 

He promises me that he is not talking to other girls online, but he is lying!

 

This has happened with 6 different girls now. As far as i know, he is just talking to them (online). Although, through the lies, i don't think i can believe him anymore. I feel so devasted because we promised each other we wouldn't sneek around like that, and i kept my promise!

 

He has been so wonderful lately and it's been amazing between us, and, then this came out ... and i dont feel like i can let it go. I probably feel more betrayed simply because we met online, and this makes me feel like i'm so easily replaced.

 

 

Should i just walk away ???

 

I used to have a bf like this. He really needed the ego stroking from the opposite sex as he was lacking in self worth. I gave him the ego stroking, but he needed more than one person could reasonably provide. This behavior didn't change because he didn't recognize and fill in what he was lacking personally.

 

My ex didn't do it to hurt me and I believe every time he did it he told himself it was the last time that he meant it. The void in himself that he didn't fix though never went away so he always went back to validation from other women.

 

I see why this behavior would bring about relationship insecurity even in a person who is secure with themselves.

 

I personally would walk away, but I am not you. Can you feel comfortable with this long term? If not, you know your answer.

[Confused & Jealous]

Hey guys, thanks for the advice

 

A quick update on the situation:

 

We talked this over again, and i believe he was actually honest with this time (maybe i'm foolish, but i want to believe him lol).

 

He told me that he uses them to get a girls perspective to try and understand me better (i told him this is not cool with me). He also said that he has intentionally tried to make me jealous, as i can be quite cold at times (which is true).

 

To show me he is serious about us he is buying me a ticket to go and stay with him in 2 wks, and to be sure that we both still want to stay in this relationship.

 

I don't think he has actually cheated because he seriously hates them!!

 

He has promised he won't ever do it again, and that there isn't anything going on.

[You Go Girl]

Hey guys, thanks for the advice

 

A quick update on the situation:

 

We talked this over again, and i believe he was actually honest with this time (maybe i'm foolish, but i want to believe him lol).

 

He told me that he uses them to get a girls perspective to try and understand me better (i told him this is not cool with me). He also said that he has intentionally tried to make me jealous, as i can be quite cold at times (which is true).

 

To show me he is serious about us he is buying me a ticket to go and stay with him in 2 wks, and to be sure that we both still want to stay in this relationship.

 

I don't think he has actually cheated because he seriously hates them!!

 

He has promised he won't ever do it again, and that there isn't anything going on.

 

RED FLAGS. Sorry. He's not talking to them to get a perspective on you. He's talking to them because he likes flirting with women, period. It has nothing to do with you at all--in fact that's the problem right there--it has nothing to do with you, when YOU should be crossing his mind when he's considering talking to them, but you don't. Out of sight, out of mind.

To get you jealous? Oh puleeze. If it is to get you jealous, there's a bunch of immaturity here that is going to cause you problems in the future.

Now you've let on how you figured out he's an online flirt, etc., he will make sure he doesn't leave such obvious clues in the future. He hates them? Oh puleeze again. He doesn't hate them at all. He likes them. THat's why he flirts with them.

[Clep]

 

We talked this over again, and i believe he was actually honest with this time (maybe i'm foolish, but i want to believe him lol).

 

He told me that he uses them to get a girls perspective to try and understand me better (i told him this is not cool with me). He also said that he has intentionally tried to make me jealous, as i can be quite cold at times (which is true).

 

 

What made you think he was honest this time? What made him more convincing?

 

Why would getting another girl's perspective help him to understand YOU better? If he really wants to understand you, then it is you he needs to be speaking too.

 

Instead of talking to you about his feeling towards your behaviors, he plays the jealous game.

 

It seems to me that this roller coaster of emotions will be going on a long time, as you have allowed him to manipulate you.

 

I have a great book called "In Sheeps Clothing, by George K Simon". It allows one to recognize covert aggressive tactics as they are happening, and what to do about them. I am pretty sure if you were to read that, he would be gone in a matter of days or weeks.

[meerkat stew]

An emotional bond built with someone other than an SO is how most cheating starts. I can't stand it when GFs discuss our private business with a support network of any type, male or female. The advice is so compromised by bias and loyalty, together with the fact that most people give lousy advice. In your shoes I'd tell him his behavior isn't acceptable and would also reconsider LDRs at all. They very rarely work out.

[New_Life08]

Honestly, this is horrible advice, a virtual 4 year relationship apart is more like a weekend relationship in the real world. I guess at this point she could graduate and go home to this guy but still long distances for human interpersonal relationships are certain to fail, and biologically that can be shown.

 

It's actually quite amazing she held it together for so long, but I would suspect that he has cheated if she didn't. I might suggest that she use condoms with the bf as well.. Better yet, find a guy in her neck of the woods, I'm sorry we aren't THAT unique, there are numerous people in every town that would probably make better bf's then this sex deprived creep.

 

Well, I don't think it is horrible advice considering that we are not the one's emotionally invested in it. Considering I am not a fan of ldr's I know what my knee-jerk response would be. But, considering she is four years invested in him, giving him another chance doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

[xpaperxcutx]

So he purposely seeks out other girls during a fight?

 

Looking at his pattern, what would stop him from seeking out something physical in the future at the slightest provocation?

 

I can imagine him going to his friends for comfort but seeking out complete strangers ( girls, at that) just doesn't seem right. And for him to lie about his actions violates the trust in your relationship.

[New_Life08]

What made you think he was honest this time? What made him more convincing?

 

Why would getting another girl's perspective help him to understand YOU better? If he really wants to understand you, then it is you he needs to be speaking too.

 

Instead of talking to you about his feeling towards your behaviors, he plays the jealous game.

 

It seems to me that this roller coaster of emotions will be going on a long time, as you have allowed him to manipulate you.

 

I have a great book called "In Sheeps Clothing, by George K Simon". It allows one to recognize covert aggressive tactics as they are happening, and what to do about them. I am pretty sure if you were to read that, he would be gone in a matter of days or weeks.

 

I also have the book "In Sheep's Clothing" it is very good. It is unfortunate that he damaged the trust in the first place. Especially when you two are in this ldr there should be extra care taken to keep the trust strong. His focus should be on the future and setting goals so the two of you can be together; not other women!

 

It may be to get some female perspective, but is he really so diluted to think he will get accurate advice from these women who may have a hidden agenda with him? I doubt this is a main reason. His real reason is intimate curiosity and he loves the attention. These women are his pacifier when you are unavailable.

 

He thinks of it as no big deal - when it is a very big deal to you; that is cause for concern. It means he can disconnect from reality if he needs to. This is a character flaw. Most people feel guilt when they intentionally do something that would hurt the person they love. Unless that behavior is paying off for them in some way, they don't do it anymore. That is how we learn boundaries.

 

My advice is to go to him and talk about how this makes you feel and it is unacceptable to you. Then, if this issue comes up again, if you find anything that is inappropriate then he is probably not going to change.

 

I may have missed a part of the conversation...but, do you two plan on being together f2f? What is the future plan?

[HippyChic]

sounds like a difficult situation. u can never actually know when someone is being honest

[Confused & Jealous]

Well ....

 

The plan was that he was saving to move to England so we could be together properly and we did talk about marriage and stuff.

 

He asked me 2 me visit him soon, so he could 'prove' he wasn't do anything inappropriate. He offered to pay for me to go see him as soon as i wanted to. I would go, but i have 3 kids, and i go to uni in 2 weeks, so it's just not possible. But then he wouldn't mind if i sacraficed uni, as he has convinced himself i'm busy making plans for my life and not including him in that plan.

 

But, then we broke up last night anyway.

 

He says he can't deal with my insecurities, because they are undeserved and i'm too cold towards him. I have never been an overly emotional person, i get uncomfortable. I guess i'll cut my loses and walk , he needs stuff i can't give, and vice versa. He is to angry with me, i think it's highly unlikely that we will recover that. The crazy think is, that i didn't bring anything up, and was prepared to move away from it and see what happens. He brought it up and started yelling about how i'm crazy, and he can't take anymore.

 

Thanks for the advice guys, but it is obviously over and i see that now. I am hurt by that, mostly because he says he doesn't care anymore. It goes back too far and too much water has passed under the bridge as they say. It all started going wrong after i had an abortion 2yrs ago, and we can't forgive each other for the situation and circumstances surrounding there i guess.

[Clep]

Probably the best choice though considering he though you sacrificing uni is no big deal. The fact that he brought it up again, saying you are crazy says he is sitting there thinking about it and building resentments. It also might be that he is choosing to not let it go because he then has something to pull out of the closet when appropriate for him.

 

Sorry to hear that you are hurting.