AngelBunny19 Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 I've been with my new boyfriend for about 8 months now, he's an amazing guy and we always have fun and seems like we even run on the same wavelength with how we think. but i have two little problems, recently i've been really upset and it took me awhile to realize why, well, i barely ever see him, i can round it off to probably like a night and half total and i got to wait from sunday to friday night(all week) to even see him, and its very straining on us i think, considering when i spoke to my friend about why she broke up with her guy (who btw also works the graveyard shift same as my bf((the reason we see very very little of eachother)) she said it was because they only saw eachother 3-4 times a week! which made me wonder, her boyfriend works at the same place as mine does and works a longer shift than my guy does, but he still had time to see her at least 3-4 times a week, and my guy can barely see my twice aweek! i feel as if im putting all of the effort into this, i am always the one who has to call him otherwise we'd never talk on the phone even, when we do talk on the phone most of the time he's to tired which surprises me alittle since he sleeps for like 12 hrs everyday(yes i do know nightshift ppl are usually always tired cause they should be sleeping when they are working but c'mon, 12 hours and hes still dead tired?) he hasn't picked me up in like 3 months, my car is getting repaired right now and it seems like it's always up to me to find a way over to see him. the part that really bothers me i guess is we live like 20 minutes, maybe 15 minutes away from eachother, and even if he wakes up early on some nights at like 6:30-7pm he will never ask me if i wanna come over for abit,he wont come see me, but he will have his friends over ? last night he took the night off and i asked him if maybe he wanted to hang out for abit since he doesnt usually take sundays off of work and he said he was "too sick to hang out" then before he got off the phone with me he is sure to tell me he's got to go get cleaned up abit his friend is coming over and their going to get a movie so they wont be bored tonight (ok?) i feel like he just doesnt want to be bothered with me, and our "designated" day and a half is plenty BUT when i told him how it bothered me that we see so little of eachother he said he felt the same way and it pissed him off we dont spend more time together and he wishes we could(blah blah blah) talk about mixed signals?? and when i talk about taking a break of maybe he isnt cut out for a relationship right now he says he wants it he doesnt want it to end and so on......so he wants to be with me,but didnt want to see me when he had extra time off,doesnt make the effort to call me ever (btw he's only called me a total of 9 times in the 8 months we've been dating and we talk on the phone every night..dont want to know how many phone calls i've made O.O) so....what does you people think the deal is?? i know he's told me he's cautious as well because he got his heart severely broke by another girl and i guess im the first GF in like 2 years he has actually had feelings for and wanted to be with and told me earlier in the relationship he was just cautious at times..he didnt want to get hurt(now he's not the one getting hurt irony) but i dont know if he maybe is back and forth with the "caution" thing maybe? i am really confused and it's starting to get to me cause well (this is the other problem) i believe im falling totally in love with him, hes so amazing and i cant help it we're so alike, to alike haha and despite whats been happening recently, i cant help but suddenly notice that the reason the stuff above hurts alot is because im slightly in love with him.......but i dont know how to say that to him? how could i bring it up ? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 That was a bit hard to read, because of the paragraphs thing, but I think I totally understand what you're saying. Do NOT feel bad because you need more contact with him. That's a legitimate need in a relationship. You shouldn't have to make concessions, your relationship is in a state where problems should be discussed, not suffered through. Tell him that you are empathetic towards his heartbreak, and you genuinely feel sorry that he has been wronged in the past. Then tell him you feel that has limited his capacity to be emotionally invested in you. Tell him that without that emotional investment, YOU feel vulnerable-and you can't have a one-way relationship with him. Also tell him that you need to see him more, and let him do the comforting--he's the one putting the strain on the relationship. If things aren't working, you shouldn't be apprehensive about addressing the issues for fear of things not working altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Paragraphs. Why are you still with him if he doesnt spend enough time with you, talk to him about it and if he doesnt listen then leave and find a better guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngelBunny19 Posted February 16, 2004 Author Share Posted February 16, 2004 PS:sorry bout the paragraphs, i broke my enter button *sniffles* Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Both of them? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 It sounds to me as though you are forcing a "relationship" with a guy who isn't very interested in being in a relationship. I think seeing each other 1-2 a week is plenty. 3-4 times a week is fine, sometimes, but there is no need for any more than that while you are dating. I mean, if you think about it logically and have your own life, that gives you 2 nights with him, 2 nights with your friends, and 3 nights to veg at home or see your family. Regardless, 1-2 nights a week may be plenty for him. You obviously want someone who wants to spend more time with you than that. Neither one of you is right or wrong. You simply may be incompatible in this respect. Now, I can't even begin to tell you how many red flags I see in your post: i feel as if im putting all of the effort into this, i am always the one who has to call him otherwise we'd never talk on the phone even, he hasn't picked me up in like 3 months, my car is getting repaired right now and it seems like it's always up to me to find a way over to see him. and even if he wakes up early on some nights at like 6:30-7pm he will never ask me if i wanna come over for abit,he wont come see me, but he will have his friends over ? btw he's only called me a total of 9 times in the 8 months we've been dating and we talk on the phone every night..dont want to know how many phone calls i've made O.O I can't believe you've spent 8 months with a man who will not even call you or come and pick you up! Why? Don't you think you deserve better than that? What do you think would happen to your relationship if you stopped calling him and stopped making an effort? Would it die, or do you think he will step up to the plate? If I were you, I'd reconsider whether this is the right guy for you, because it really does not sound like he is giving you what you need in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngelBunny19 Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 i only have one enter button i got an old crappy mac :\. i think your all right, i guess i can only mention how im feeling to him and if nothing changes or he doesnt care then theres nothing i can do,and as for "forcing" a relationship on him, i already said maybe we should take a break and he disagreed with me so...im not really forcing anything on him, plus he agrees he'd want to see me more but its just that theres no effort behind his words. but thanks for the advice all it really helped me out in the thinking process Link to post Share on other sites
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