tac719 Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 My wife gets extremely upset if there is a show on that may have women in bikinis or scantily clad. I get frustrated because our television is being censured. Unless it is a show she wants to watch then I am expected to look away. The Janet Jackson stunt made for an unpleasant Super Bowl. Movies where there may be any nudity are completely avoided. If I mention that I saw a movie before we were together that had some nudity a snide comment will be made like "I'll bet you enjoyed that". There are some good movies out there that happen to have nudity in them but not in a vulgar fassion. More frustration. Resentment builds. She always accuses me of wanting to pick out T&A movies. I could care less if they have any nudity. I constantly get asked if I am staring at women. No, I'm not. But if it is perceived that I am the slightest bit put off by the questioning (because dear you ask them constantly) then I am an uncaring **shole. She wants me to be cheerful with her when she's getting mad at me for no reason. Then it turns into "See this is why were not going to make it!" or "I can't stand to be with you!"... She's told me that she doesn't trust me because of all my lies and deciepts and doesn't know when she'll get past them, so I need to be more understanding. Background: I used to own my own company. When we were dating the company was doing fairly well up until the point we got married. After that because of the economy, competition and some tax debts that needed to be taken care of the company took a quick nose dive. I ended up having to file bankruptcy. She says I didn't let her know and lied to her about the companies financial situation. Considering I talked to her daily about how tough things were getting I didn't think I was holding back to much. The bankruptcy was a last minute decision on my part because of the stress I was under. I did find a job immediately after the bankruptcy that payed almost as much as I was making with my company. Plus my wife makes good money at her job. But it's been 2 years since then and we are doing well financially but she still tells me she doesn't trust me. She's upset that there isn't any romance in our marriage (I am too) and that I don't show any passion. But it is hard. I find her very attractive. Yet I don't feel the love necessarily eminating from her either. I know she loves me but I think she is just more afraid of being alone. I guess were in that GREY area... help. At this point I don't think we are going to make it. I've told her over and over that we will get through this, but it is not going away. I don't want to waste my life being unhappy and I do want her to be happy. I just don't know if it is with me... Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Get counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tac719 Posted February 16, 2004 Author Share Posted February 16, 2004 We've gone to counceling. The first was to a licensed psychologist the second to a biblical councelor. They help briefly while were going but the cost is expensive. Maybe I should just ride it out. I feel like I'm waffleling back and forth as what to do. I know there are people with much worse problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 tac719, You are in a terrible situation. Why did the couselling not help? What do you think are the areas of failure? Is there any way you could pinpoint it? It sounds like she has no problem telling you exactly what is on her mind so Communication is not the problem or communicating the "real" problem is the problem. Is your wife a plus size lady? Is that where the insecurities are coming from? When was the last time that you took a chance to create some romance in your relationship? What was her reaction to this? Sorry for all the questions. One more.......why are you staying with her? She sounds like an insecure nag that is not happy with her life so now it's all your fault. Women are very good at doing that you know. Again I'm sorry for all the questions and my frankness but I have never beat around the bush I always come straight out with it - things are understood easier that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 She is treating you horribly, you deserve either better fom her or to find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tac719 Posted February 16, 2004 Author Share Posted February 16, 2004 Thank you for the replies. No, she is 5'6 125lbs. and very attractive. Everybody tells me how pretty she is. She's just like this at home. At her work she is very outgoing or with her friends too. I think she feels like she needs to keep me on a tight reign. I haven't had any close friends since we got married and when I expressed an interest in playing golf with a girlfriend of hers husband, who we go to church with, she got upset saying that she would like to learn to play golf with me and didn't understand why I didn't just want to take her. I like my privacy every now and then, but I haven't had any since I've been married. It's easier said than done to end a marriage. Divorce is a very angry hurtful process. Plus I am afraid of her reaction. I'm not a wimp but she for some reason has always intimidated me. Crazy Huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 It sounds like she is obessed with you, is afraid of you leaving, she wants to be around you all the time so that you cant cheat on her, you should have a conversation about this with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 She's got some serious insecurity issues going on - and I am sorry for you, brother. I also wonder why the counseling didn't help. I found it to be extremely useful, but that just may be the particular person we had. I was in a situation just like yours before, and it certainly is not easy. You have a big job to get that to change... I was never able to. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 So she's a control freak! Poor you man.....she was like this when you were dating her though huh? You thought it would change and it didn't. I know how you feel though. I dated a control freak also. I dumped him, I wanted to make the decision wether I was going to breathe today or not. There is no "fixing" this personality trait. The only thing you can do is humiliate them until they understand that they do not control you. By this I mean whenever she says to you something like "I don't want to watch this program, there are naked women in it and I don't appreciate you watching it when I am around" You retaliate by saying...."well then, you had better leave the room because I'm watching this program." the more you give in the more "power" they want.....it's a never ending battle. Good Luck buddy, Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Geez, is she your wife or your mother? Definately try some more counseling. I know I couldn't live like that. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 marriage counselling maybe? if that doesn't work, i think u'll leave her sooner or later. perhaps she can get individual counselling - i feel bad for her, such controlling behaviour is prolly a sign of deep issues. good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 If counselling helped, that is great. I know it can be expensive. You can continue "self counselling" with the right books. Take your pick of: Love Is Never Enough by Aaron Beck, Seven Secrets to a Successful Marriage by John Gottman, and The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner-Davis. All three have action plans for you. And check out <URL removed> Sounds like both of you realize there is a problem and want to get it fixed. And don't think that just because others are suffering you should not work on healing your own and your wife's pain. Every hurt deserves compassion. Heal yourselves and your marriage, and then go out there and feed the hungry and soothe the sorrowful of this world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tac719 Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 Most of the counselling required more change on her part, which she is not very willing to do. What I got was that I need to be less afraid of conflict. I guess I've understood that if I really hold my ground the marriage is likely to be over. This would be both of ours second marriage. It's really hard to be compassionate to her feelings because it s on a constant basis. It was easier earlier in the relationship but now much harder. I really do care for her. She is very strong on the outside, but I know if I really stand my ground it will break her and that is hard to deal with. I believe she will crash. She did have a very tough childhood and first marriage. He cheated on her several times from what I understand. My first marriage ended with my ex having cheated with my so called best friend for several years. But I am ok with that. If she hadn't cheated on me it would have been someone else. Your right I did think it would get better over time and that it was something she would get over from her past. But it doesn't seem to be going away. I do feel like I have to ask if it ok to breathe. She doesn't see it this way and probably never will. I am very liberal minded I've found when it comes to sex and dealing with people. I think she is the same way unless it involves me. Which automatically puts a rift in between us. This is not an issue she will budge on. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Originally posted by tac719 My wife gets extremely upset if there is a show on that may have women in bikinis or scantily clad. I get frustrated because our television is being censured. Unless it is a show she wants to watch then I am expected to look away.... Movies where there may be any nudity are completely avoided. If I mention that I saw a movie before we were together that had some nudity a snide comment will be made like "I'll bet you enjoyed that". There are some good movies out there that happen to have nudity in them but not in a vulgar fassion. More frustration. Resentment builds. She always accuses me of wanting to pick out T&A movies. I could care less if they have any nudity. I constantly get asked if I am staring at women. I cringed when I read this because I have this same problem. HOWEVER, I am working my butt off to control it. If I have to literally bite my toungue to keep from saying something, then I do and as a result I haven't made any comments in a couple of months. It's getting easier but I still have a problem with certain shows and stuff. I don't know what your wife's problem is, but mine was caused by somone who played games with my head in my first serious relationship. The things he did were severe - such as staring at other women like he wanted to throw them down and tear off their clothes, but then literally SCREAMING at me to get away from him if I so much as tried to kiss him. If you can't imagine what that would do to a sensitive, in love, 18 year old, I'll tell you it devastated me. He did worse than that too. I am also very attractive - I've been told. I agree with everyone - she needs counseling and she needs to admit there's a problem. But I do feel sorry for her. She is living every day with constant fear and she's going to create a self-fulfilling prophecy by driving you away. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Wow, I could never be in a relationship that is this controlling. Sounds like she has alot of insecurities within' herself. It all depends if its something you want to put up with the rest of your life. There needs to be some comprimise. She needs to first admit she has a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tac719 Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 She knows she has a problem but that she will probably never change. Or if showed her more affection it would help. I've gone that route and it always comes back around. This Valentines Day we went to a very nice restaurant and actually had a very nice dinner with conversation. As we were leaving the restaurant we passed a woman at the bar. I did not catch a look at her just that she was blonde. It was on after that. Not only did I take a double take but I found out that I did a triple take!? I couldn't even tell you what this woman looked like. Needless she went upstairs to sleep that night. But I was continuing to lie to her by telling her I wasn't looking at this woman... No. I do not want to live like this. AT ALL! I hate it! I definately would like to have a more open minded relationship. This is how it seems to go regarding trying to be romantic. The bad part is I really do care for her though and admire her for her accomplishments. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 I don't know how you can live like that if she's not willing to try to change. Even I'm not that bad. If my boyfriend said he wasn't looking or looked but didn't "see" if you know what I mean, then I believed him. It's hard work to fix this problem and I can believe she thinks she can't change - I know that I sometimes think it's hopeless when I get those feelings all over again - but then I see that I HAVE actually made progress and I try harder. Maybe when she loses you over this then she will be willing to try to change. I don't want my problem to ruin my relationship so I will do whatever I have to to overcome these feelings. You've been very patient with her. Maybe you have to give her an ultimatum - get help or separate, because really how much longer do you think you'll be able to live like that? Your post is actually helping me reaffirm my need to fix my problem. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 tac719, It sounds as though you are a trophy to her (she was nice at the restaurant) not a human being! (got rude as soon as you were leaving the restaurant or as soon as she thought no-one would be able to hear what she was saying to you). She's quite a piece of work this woman! and you need to stand up to her.....don't be such a push-over! You wouldn't let anyone else treat you this way would you? Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author tac719 Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 I did stand up. That's why we slept in seperate rooms. I told her it was her decision if she wanted to be alone, because that was where this was heading. I told her I was not going to be made to feel guilty because of her insecurities and that it wasn't right for me to feel like I had to walk around with blinders on. Of course the next day it was swept under the rug. I used to be worried about her financially since she has a daughter from her previous marriage. But she makes more than twice as much as I do now! I'm starting over with my career. Hers is on track to VP at this rate. When we were dating I gave her money to help out and found her current job through a friend of mine. Now she is trying to help me, because of her status now to help with my new career. But she has stated she will probably have a problem with it. It is in the financial industry and will require me to have business lunches and so forth. She has them all the time with all kinds of different men networking, but I don't have a problem with it. Man am I whupped! I read this and cringe myself. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Tac, I agree with Bubbles. I hardly suggest ultimatiums, but you really need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her. Reaffirm that you only love her and want to be with her, but her accusing you and treating you like this is driving you way. Not that its 'going to drive you away' but it already has. You need to communicate with her about this. If she starts yelling or screaming just sit there and wait til she done. Then just walk out the door for a few hours. Let her know what its going to feel like when you aren't there to be her punching bag. She has to want to change but you aren't giving her any reason too. She's comfortable with this, and insecurity to me is a mental problem. This leads to a very controlling behavior which you are being a victim of. There is probably no doubt that she loves & cares about you, but this other behavior of hers is over-shadowing this. When you talk to her, talk to her in a calm voice. I probably assume that she'll get pissed and start blaming you for things you haven't done. When she does this, simply stand up & tell her you have some thinking to do, and walk out. Don't tell her where you are going. This will have a profound effect on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 tac719, jmargel just gave you some excellent advice! it would work on me! I would probably initially be really mad but when you did not return after an hour.....I would probably start re-thinking my position. Bubbles. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 It sounds as if they've already gone through sitting down and talking calmly. They've already been to counseling. This woman has a huge problem and accepting her behavior over and over again won't give her any incentive to change. I know - I know exactly what she's feeling. I also know she is in the wrong on this and will never change until she truly wants to. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 I think tac719 is too afraid of this (his second marriage) failing. He thinks for some reason that he is going to be a big 2 time loser or something... tac719 many people get married 2, 3 and 4 times and they are not losers! They have simply been brave enough to admit that something did not work for them and they are also brave enough to get out there and fall in love again. Your wife needs help. Sounds to me like she is on a power trip and just does not know when to stop. Geez, I would hate to work for this woman! Good luck buddy, Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 I agree Bubbles, and I can understand that he wants to save the marriage. tac - I wasn't suggesting divorce - I think she just doesn't understand the impact of what she's doing to you because you keep accepting it. But one day, there's going to be that last straw. My suggestion is before that last straw happens, in an effort to save the marriage, you have to get it through to her that it's going to destroy your marriage and your feelings for her. Sometimes an ultimatum is the only way to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tac719 Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 Yes. The 2 time looser rings true in my ears. I'm the only person in my family to have divorced. A second time would be a definite blow to me. Thanks Bubbles your advice is great. We have sat and talked many times. Sometimes it is casual and sometimes it gets heated. The thing is we both come to the conclussion that we shouldn't have gotten married (very sad). She says her standards are to high(moral) and no man could probably meet them. I almost feel like those people that wonder how they would make it without their spouse. Financially and emotionally. I wish I had used a different user name than tac719, sounds like a computer model. Link to post Share on other sites
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