Do I overreact to my wife?

[tac719]

I know I am just letting out a lot of info, but it is bottled up inside. I don't have anybody to really talk to about this for advice.

 

She also says she believes I am having some sort of affair at work. If not physical then emotional. It is the farthest thing in the world from the truth. I would never put someone through that especially after having experienced it myself. Its almost like because I was born a male therefore I am guilty before proven innocent.

 

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for. It's all been great! I just don't know where or what to start. FreeMe I appreciate your empathy on my wifes part. I have asked questions on the Marriage Builders forum, but the people there seem very angry.

[FreeMe]

tac719 - I also feel for you. I've been with jealous people as well so I know how it feels to be on that end too. Also, I saw how hurt my boyfriend was in the beginning when I'd make comments to him about looking at other women. I fight off my fears sometimes daily and it is very difficult. They've become like a reflex and I'm sure the same is true for your wife. I bet things come out of her mouth she doesn't even realize she's saying.

 

The worst part is that you're innocent. You're not doing anything she's accusing you of and that has got to be so hurtful for you. I wish I could offer better advice but it mostly falls on her. She has to want to change. Please don't blame yourself for it. I know she's living with constant fear, but that doesn't give her the right to beat you up emotionally and take shots at your self worth the way she is.

[DENTALASSISTANT]

It does sound like she is having some major insecurities, it is a personality thing and it probably won't change.So either you can deal with it or leave. If you can't be you with your wife who can you be you with..really??? You only have one life..live it how you want.

[tac719]

Strong advise... I need to be true to myself. Otherwise the whole marriage is a lie.

[jmargel]

You two need couple counciling, and she needs individual counciling. Only other option is to show her this message board, to prove to her how much its truly bothering you. Show her these posts.

[VivianLee]

Tac,

It broke my heart to read this, I mean truly it did!! I just saw my parent's marriage of 39 years flash before my eyes!!

My poor Daddy has suffered through this all his married life and it kills me to see him go through such. It's gotten so bad that he doesn't even "get" to watch TV, the window in his bedroom is PAINTED so he can't look out near the pool next door, a privacy fence on their land was put up so he wouldn't be "tempted" to look out over the pool while cutting grass, he's accused of staring, leering and flirting all the time.

 

He is the most precious, sweetest and faithful man I've ever known....he's in the hospital now about to die of heart disease that I believe was partly brought on by the stress of living with my Mama.

 

Mama grew up with a good Daddy but being the youngest in her family, her sister's were married during her teen years. They married awful men (abusive and cruel) and I'm not sure if that's where she got her idea about "all men being evil" or what....she passed on to me during my dating years to not trust guys that they were fickle and would cheat on me. She even encouraged me to cheat on my boyfriends or laughed it off. I was told that all men were liars and were dirty minded...

 

I took this with me into my marriage...it didn't help my husband's own problems and probably helped to put him in the arms of someone else....I did stop this behavior and am so glad to be out of that type of miserable existence!!

 

From watching and taking part, I know what kind of Hell you have to be experiencing!! I didn't see what I was doing toward my husband (he blew it more out of proportion since he was co-dependent) till he told me he had an affair and was leaving. His leaving wasn't so much because of the affair but because of my acting like my mother (which was my biggest fear all my life) and he laid the law down that I was going to give him the freedom to choose what was "evil or wrong"....

 

See tac, she is being your "morality meter"....you're an adult, that's not her place AT ALL!! You are to decide what you see and should have the freedom to watch what you want and to be able to go into a place and not be treated like a dirty old man if you have to walk past an attractive woman. You are going to notice pretty women as she is going to notice handsome men....that doesn't mean you want to tear their clothes off!

 

She is a control freak and will not listen to reason. If you question her reasoning then apparently that means you want to do something wrong. If you disagree (God forbid you have an opinion or a different view) then you must be just an evil man wanting to cheat or do dirty evil things. Sound familiar?

 

You will never win with this woman. Unless she changes and cares about YOU, you will spend the rest of your life being p**** whipped by her, you're opinions, choices and thoughts, will have to be approved by her. You will get to the point where you will stop having opinions of your own, you will have no friends nor contact with your family, nothing you do will be without HER PERMISSION!!

 

I'm not telling you to divorce, if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, then continue the counselling HOWEVER, if she doesn't change, things don't change, get ready to become the most miserable person in the world AND forget who you are or were, you'll become what she wants and if you are able to stay faithful through this, you can forget your sexual or emotional needs to EVER be met again!!

 

I believe you had your own answer to what should be done with this quote I take from you...

We have sat and talked many times. Sometimes it is casual and sometimes it gets heated. The thing is we both come to the conclusion that we shouldn't have gotten married (very sad). She says her standards are to high(moral) and no man could probably meet them.

 

Sad yes, wake up call, yes!! Her standards aren't high or moral.....their impossible and abnormal...almost insane!! She needs to divorce you and marry the person that will only EVER make her happy and be what she wants.....she needs to marry HERSELF!!

 

I feel sorry for her if she ever wakes up and sees what she has done to you and others (I did when I saw my husband go to another woman, lose his ministry and leave).....my Mama got a glimpse of it when my Daddy lay there for about a week slowing dying.....but he's better and had the audacity to get upset at her for something she didn't do that he'd asked....so now he's being the typical EVIL male....it just breaks my heart!! I don't want anyone else to live that way....please get out or get help!!

 

Sorry so dramatic....it's something very near to my heart!!

[Arabess]

What an EXCELLENT post Vivian!!!!!

 

I would never advocate divorce....but I would also never suggest someone stay married just for the sake of NOT getting a divorce. I wouldn't care if it was the 4th one. It's YOUR life....you only live once. If you just hang in there year after miserable year....then what happens when you end like like Vivian's dad? Just a whole life of pain and grief for no reason.

 

I truly believe some people are just miserable inside. Misery loves company....and they will screw up every hint of happiness anyone around them happens to find.

 

If someone did me that way.....I would tell them...."HEY...I'm an ADULT! If you don't like the adult I am....get the hell out!". Then, they could shape up or ship out.

 

It's not as though they are much of a loss. How much more miserable can you be???? HAHA!

[FreeMe]

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

 

I'm sorry about your father's illness.

[VivianLee]

Thanks Arabess and FreeMe....I'm telling you, it's easy to write when it's from the heart....

 

Let me clarify something about my Daddy....I'm not portraying him as weak or whipped....he has had reasons for staying and one was my brother. My brother was disabled all his life and it took both my Mama and my Daddy to see to his needs. He died a year ago, this summer. So thirtysomething years of their marriage was taking care of their son, when Mom's behavior was at it's worse (during menopause...now she'd acted this way before then, it just went up several notches) Daddy would contemplate leaving her but he'd always change his mind because he couldn't leave my brother.....(I'm telling you he's an awesome and strong man!)...after my brother died, they started getting counseling....the situation with Mama hadn't come up yet when he got sick a few weeks ago...

 

As for my Daddy's condition, he's now on the heart transplant list and will be coming home soon to wait....

[FreeMe]

Vivian,

 

You didn't give the impression that he was weak at all. It's just so heartbreaking the way a person can hurt someone. You're right, no one can survive all of that if they're weak. I'm sorry about your brother - what difficult times you have been going through! Both of your posts are giving me things to think about. I know you're trying to help TAC, but thank you from me too!

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by FreeMe

Vivian,

 

You didn't give the impression that he was weak at all. It's just so heartbreaking the way a person can hurt someone. You're right, no one can survive all of that if they're weak. I'm sorry about your brother - what difficult times you have been going through! Both of your posts are giving me things to think about. I know you're trying to help TAC, but thank you from me too!

 

Thanks again FreeMe!! I'm glad I didn't give the impression that he was weak for staying with Mama....he had his reasons and unfortunately he's at her mercy now....I love my Mama and she's a wonderful person to be around and everyone that knows her loves her, she's just awful to married to....

 

Yeah things have been rough for my family for about 3 years, some things just happened and some we brought on ourselves but that's just life and we always somehow make it! Humor and faith is the best thing! Now if I can just learn from my mistakes....it sure will be better!

 

And Tac.....keep us updated!

[tac719]

Thank you Vivian. Your post made me sit and think. Is this what I want for myself? Is this what I want to be?

 

We just had a very uninhibited conversation. I told her how I felt and vice versa. She asked when I was moving out. I told her I am happy with who I am and that I will never change. Of course this meant I didn't love or care for her. She will never change according to her. She just wants more information from me on a daily basis. That would be fine if I felt safe giving it. I thought I was giving her plenty of info but I guess not...

 

We shall see. I have a feeling she will get hysterical at some point.

 

Thank you everybody so much. I don't know what I could ever do to repay the generosity.

[FreeMe]

I'm sorry she's not giving you any alternative. Maybe when she realizes she's losing you she'll be willing to try to change.

[VivianLee]

I told her I am happy with who I am and that I will never change.

 

Good for you tac!!

 

 

Of course this meant I didn't love or care for her

 

Wow, I know exactly what you mean and I could have told you that would be how she felt! You stood up for yourself so that must mean you are up to no good....you won't bend to her shapes, so you apparently don't care about her...

 

She will never change according to her.

 

 

Why should she? She is perfect, she makes the rules, she is the ruler. You should think how she wants you to think, act how she wants you to act and be what she wants you to be....the thing is you said you'd never change and according to her, that meant you didn't love or care for her....she said she'd never change...don't want to say "well then I guess you don't love or care for me either?"

 

She just wants more information from me on a daily basis.

 

Information? Hummm I guess she's referring to work or places where she can't be with you all the time and keep you in check? So there must be still a part to your life that you have a certain amount of freedom she can't control....there will never be enough information for this woman. Unless she can sit with you all day long and have you trained to think how she wants you to and lose every aspect of who you are, she will be miserable and make you miserable.....

 

Look at her life.....she can be around men without any problems, she can watch what she wants, think what she wants, talk to who she wants....she gets to be herself and live how she wants....how in the world can that be fair?

Who is she to deserve ALL this freedom and to pick who you are?

You are being treated like a cheating, lying, sorry low life.....and you've never done a thing but loved this woman....she is very, very sick and needs help but if she refuses, it's not your fault or your duty to take this abuse...that's what this is, mental abuse in the worse way...

 

That would be fine if I felt safe giving it. I thought I was giving her plenty of info but I guess not...

 

Again, I know exactly what you mean!! Bless your heart, you don't feel safe in your own home or marriage to just tell what you did for the day....you'll never give her enough information...she doesn't trust you so what you say will be consider a lie anyway....to her, you'll probably be hiding the fact that you talked to a woman.....that means you probably wanted to have sex with her and lusted after her in some way because you aren't on the moral high road that she lives on.....

When spouses communicate, it's not called information (that's what you give an interrogator) it's called pleasant conversation because your spouse loves you and wants to know how your day went or what your dreams are or if you need to vent.....

 

The only way you can be happy, stay the person you are (and like being) and to love your wife (you will eventually hate her and possibility of cheating is very high) is to try the counseling one more time and she needs to get help....if she won't get help or change...then perhaps a separation would "jolt" her into the reality that she is losing a very awesome guy....if not and you have to divorce (who cares what the family thinks about another divorce....let them live with her for a while).....there is someone out there that will love you and you can enjoy love instead of feeling like you are living in prison......because that is what you are in, not a marriage but a prison!!

 

I'm praying for you and I hope you are able to find happiness and freedom that you deserve. I hope your wife can change from this miserable existence she's made for herself and you!

[FreeMe]

Wow Vivian - awesome insights. I know you're right about Tac's wife because I have had those same feelings. Have you?

[VivianLee]

I watched (and see my Mama have them) and I've unfortunately been the same way (to a degree) and it makes me feel so ashamed and sickened to know that I made my husband feel one ounce of how tac feels but I know I did and I see Mama do this to my Daddy....no it's not cheating or physical abuse BUT it hurts and destroys (perhaps alot more slowly and cruelly) a person just the same.....I never want another man or woman to feel like they have to live like tac is right now!

[tac719]

I'm really confused now. This morning she wouldn't get out of bed for work saying she didn't have a reason to get up anymore. She was really sad.

 

I don't know if I did the right thing or not. We ended up talking and explaining that we essentially didn't trust one another and that it needed to stop. I told her I didn't want to get divorced and have always wanted the marriage to work. That I can't stand fighting with her or the silent resentment we've harbored between us, which I said hurt more than anything. But in the end it came down to me not trusting her enough to be completely honest with her from the beginning. This was all discussed calmly.

 

But... After reading the previous posts from you guys today it made me think. I FEEL like I acomplished nothing except prolonging the same standard. But at the same time it felt good to FEEL like there was some headway. Was there though? I don't think I'm very good at this head game stuff. Which is what I think is going on in a way. I just feel like she knows how to manipulate my feelings. What can I expect? I can't stand the idea of hurting her.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by tac719

I'm really confused now. This morning she wouldn't get out of bed for work saying she didn't have a reason to get up anymore. She was really sad.

 

I don't know if I did the right thing or not. We ended up talking and explaining that we essentially didn't trust one another and that it needed to stop. I told her I didn't want to get divorced and have always wanted the marriage to work. That I can't stand fighting with her or the silent resentment we've harbored between us, which I said hurt more than anything. But in the end it came down to me not trusting her enough to be completely honest with her from the beginning. This was all discussed calmly.

 

But... After reading the previous posts from you guys today it made me think. I FEEL like I acomplished nothing except prolonging the same standard. But at the same time it felt good to FEEL like there was some headway. Was there though? I don't think I'm very good at this head game stuff. Which is what I think is going on in a way. I just feel like she knows how to manipulate my feelings. What can I expect? I can't stand the idea of hurting her.

 

Head Games the most unfair game in the world and where only one person is ever the winner!

 

Tac, I can't say why your wife said she was sad or couldn't get out of bed. I would like to think for your sake that she is sad and depressed at how she treated you and that you might leave.....

 

Okay....so you have trust issues with her? Do you treat her as badly about it as she does you? What don't you trust about her?

 

See I'm wondering about that but I will say that from what I read, y'all discussed what was wrong that y'all did and then (I quote from your post) "in the end it came down to me not trusting her enough to be completely honest with her from the beginning"....SOOOO once you admited that all this was really YOUR fault and not hers, did things get better?

 

I think the reason you felt a touching moment with her because if she's like most people that act like this, even though their behavior is out of insecurity, their actions show haughtiness and lack of vulnerability.....she seemed sad...even devastated and you saw her as a vulnerable female that may love you and need you despite your evil ways....so you immediately was open to talk to her only to be manipulated into believing that all this would have never taken place had you'd not been so evil in the first place.....head games!!

 

You can't stand the idea of hurting her.....I believe you and that's what breaks my heart...and she doesn't see how good she has it and will abuse this goodness and make you feel like a failure as a husband the rest of your married days....

 

Back to the in the end it came down to you not trusting her enough to be completely honest with her.....what does that have to do with what movies you watch? If you talk to females? If an attractive female is near by and you don't even look but are accused of leering? How does your not trusting her cause this behavior from her? Dang straight you aren't going to tell her much of anything. If you do, it will be analyzed into you were up to "no good".....

 

To be fair to your wife, we haven't heard her side but I've experienced and had this behavior enough to know that you are telling both sides very accurately.....reasoning with her outside professional help probably won't solve things (I'm so sorry)....she will never see her part in the problem and you will ALWAYS be the evil one or the one that is doing wrong....you could put poke both of your eyes out, cut out your tongue and live in a hospital bed and she'd having you lusting after a nurse or thinking bad thoughts in your head. I wish I could be more optimistic.....okay wait....here's some optimism....I was that way to an extent.....I NO LONGER AM.....my husband has access to this forum now and I would have him vouch for me....there are more women this way than people realize....they are usually too sure of themselves that they are the RIGHT ones to admit it or if they change, they are ashamed and embarrassed to admit it....

 

Just stay strong and true to yourself and look out for yourself!! Okay?

 

Take care and God Bless!!

[tac719]

Vivian. If you don't mind you are the greatest resource of information I've spoken with and I would like to use you if that is ok. I guess I am just looking to completely validate my feelings.

You're right you are only hearing one side of the story. Hers I'm sure would be different. She knows she is the jealous type but does not understand how this affects me. I should just be able to roll with it and when I do it will get better. But until I do she is going to feel this way. Its kinda hard not to get frustrated when you are being what I call attacked.

I admit we probably should not have gotten married. I had more red flags go up while we were dating that I lost count. I did love her very much though and since I became so close to her daughter I felt like I had a responsibility. We broke up several times before we got engaged. She would call up and put her daughter on the line to talk to me (she was 5), which automatically triggered my heartstrings. But anyway because of jealousy then I found it difficult talk about my day completely. I never did anything that anybody else would consider out of bounds. I didn't hardly ever talk to other women unless I had to regarding work. She holds over my head the one time a lady came over to pay some money her company owed and I told her a guy came over. That is the one thing I did that I regret. I told her it was a guy because I would get a burrage of questions and anger from her. Did I ***k her was she hot ? It would just go on and on.

 

Present day. 3 1/2yrs later. She actually called my mom stupid for trusting my father completely. They have been married for 40yrs. Happily I might add. Sure they've had there ups and downs and my mom complains she sometimes has to drag stuff out of my dad, but she is fine with it and understands that is how he is. He loves her dearly and would do anything for her and she knows this. My wife said the same thing of my sister, because she let her husband stay a couple of days extra in San Fransisco to watch a bicycle race while she went home. They go to Vegas together for conventions (they own a bike shop together). My wife has stated she never wants us to go to Vegas because it is sleazy. Because prostitutes will come up to you and hand you fliers. Whoop de doo. Who cares. I don't. I've always wanted to see Vegas, not for the prostitutes or anything like that, but for the glitz and glamour.

 

My father took me on a fishing vacation to Canada 2 months before I met my wife. She says that is out of the question unless she's able to go. 1) It's not fair for me to go someplace and her not 2) All men do on fishing or hunting trips or any trips for that matter is go to strip clubs and watch porn videos. Fishing is the one thing I love to do more than anything else. It gives me peace of mind. My father has never taken me before on a trip like that and it was a great bonding experience for us. My mom is going to London with 2 of her friends in a couple of months and my dad is fine with that. I not talking about going away a bunch or anyhting like that, but just the trust that if I had an opportunity and evrything were ok financially and the timing was ok, it would be alright. I'd let her no problem. If I couldn't trust her it wouldn't matter where she was at.

 

Am I looking for to much freedom? I encourage my wife to have fun with her friends catch a movie with them or something. She always finds some sort of fault with them or there just isn't enough time. We don't spend enough time together. I don't remember a time not with her. I haven't had the opportunity to ever miss her.

 

You say she will probably never change. She is extremely controlling and I know she doesn't ever not want to be in control of her life. She does have a lot of background, but so does everybody to some extent.

[VivianLee]

“Vivian. If you don't mind you are the greatest resource of information I've spoken with and I would like to use you if that is ok. I guess I am just looking to completely validate my feelings.”

 

Well Tac I think I can validate things for you in a more unique way because I have been similar to your wife and my Mother is still like your wife so you aren’t getting the point of view of another guy “that’s been treated unfairly” but from a person that was acting the exact same way as your wife….

 

”You're right you are only hearing one side of the story. Hers I'm sure would be different. She knows she is the jealous type but does not understand how this affects me. I should just be able to roll with it and when I do it will get better. But until I do she is going to feel this way. Its kinda hard not to get frustrated when you are being what I call attacked.”

 

Well this is one of the cases that hearing her side really wouldn’t help. A controlling person isn’t going to be able to be the least bit fair or unbias with “their side of the story”…

 

Jealous types can be the most dangerous “types” to deal with in a relationship. They can be dangerous for your mind, health and in some case, your safety….I’m not exaggerating here at all!

 

No, you shouldn’t be able to roll with it….no one should roll with wrong behavior! Of course when you “roll with it” it will get better, you will be doing what she wants, she will have control of you. So rolling with it means, you’ll let her decide what you get to do under her rules and you will take the verbal abuse, unfair accusations and never complain and just tuck your tail and take it!

 

Yes she is going to feel unhappy with you till you let her win, let her defeat what you think your life should be and become the puppet and puppy dog she wants you to be BUT you will never, ever roll enough….that would take all the fun out of being angry and aggravated at you all the time, she couldn’t fuss and tell you what a low life you are so yeah, it may keep things smooth for a few days but you are going to screw up again….remember you aren’t in her high level of morality….

 

Kinda frustrating? I imagine it’s a living hell on earth!

 

”I admit we probably should not have gotten married. I had more red flags go up while we were dating that I lost count. I did love her very much though and since I became so close to her daughter I felt like I had a responsibility. We broke up several times before we got engaged. She would call up and put her daughter on the line to talk to me (she was 5), which automatically triggered my heartstrings”

 

 

Head/mind games….she took advantage of her own daughter’s love and your love for her daughter to get you back….and she thinks she’s morally the best person! That makes me so mad!! I've had head games used on me but I will say, I'm not one to use those, I'm not clever enough...

 

 

“But anyway because of jealousy then I found it difficult talk about my day completely”

 

Of course, you don’t want to open up! You could be attack for having a thought of your own that might not fit into her list of things for you to think about. Or you may say you did something that will be seen as you’re being “up to something”….who wants to talk to someone that may attack their very moral fiber??

 

 

“ I never did anything that anybody else would consider out of bounds. I didn't hardly ever talk to other women unless I had to regarding work. She holds over my head the one time a lady came over to pay some money her company owed and I told her a guy came over. That is the one thing I did that I regret. I told her it was a guy because I would get a burrage of questions and anger from her. Did I ***k her was she hot ? It would just go on and on.”

 

Tac, you didn’t lie because you were up to something, you lied because you can’t tell your wife anything for fear of being attacked….that’s not your fault other than this type of behavior needs to stop….you have a right to talk to women even if it’s not work related. She acts like your some sort of sexual power keg that will just go out and “do” the first female you see UNLESS she keeps an eye on you….you have DONE NOTHING to deserve this type of treatment…..you are like a dog on a leash with her pulling the knot around your neck tighter and tighter till you can’t breathe and surely can’t move!

 

Present day. 3 1/2yrs later. She actually called my mom stupid for trusting my father completely. They have been married for 40yrs. Happily I might add. Sure they've had there ups and downs and my mom complains she sometimes has to drag stuff out of my dad, but she is fine with it and understands that is how he is. He loves her dearly and would do anything for her and she knows this. My wife said the same thing of my sister, because she let her husband stay a couple of days extra in San Fransisco to watch a bicycle race while she went home. They go to Vegas together for conventions (they own a bike shop together). My wife has stated she never wants us to go to Vegas because it is sleazy. Because prostitutes will come up to you and hand you fliers. Whoop de doo. Who cares. I don't. I've always wanted to see Vegas, not for the prostitutes or anything like that, but for the glitz and glamour.

 

She thinks your Mama and sister are stupid because 1.) She can’t control what they think and what they think is in disagreement with you. 2.) They aren’t controlling their husbands and actually trust them and let them have freedom and a life!!

 

My father took me on a fishing vacation to Canada 2 months before I met my wife. She says that is out of the question unless she's able to go. 1) It's not fair for me to go someplace and her not 2) All men do on fishing or hunting trips or any trips for that matter is go to strip clubs and watch porn videos. Fishing is the one thing I love to do more than anything else. It gives me peace of mind. My father has never taken me before on a trip like that and it was a great bonding experience for us. My mom is going to London with 2 of her friends in a couple of months and my dad is fine with that. I not talking about going away a bunch or anyhting like that, but just the trust that if I had an opportunity and evrything were ok financially and the timing was ok, it would be alright. I'd let her no problem. If I couldn't trust her it wouldn't matter where she was at.

 

1.)It’s completely fair for you to go somewhere without her and visa versa…..you are married not glued together, sharing the same brain and you’re male and she’s female…you need bonding time with other people especially those of your same gender! It’s just normal….

2.)All men do on fishing and hunting trips or any trips are to go to strip clubs and watch porn movies…..does she have this documented? What men does she refer to that she’s seen do this??

 

 

”Am I looking for to much freedom?

 

I encourage my wife to have fun with her friends catch a movie with them or something. She always finds some sort of fault with them or there just isn't enough time. We don't spend enough time together. I don't remember a time not with her. I haven't had the opportunity to ever miss her.”

 

Never, you aren’t asking anything but a normal relationship, love and respect…you’re not asking to sleep with other women, you’d just like to have freedom that any human being should have…

 

She won't go out because she probably can’t control her friends so that could be why they are no fun to be around…plus they probably trust their husbands!! She can’t relate to them!

 

”You say she will probably never change. She is extremely controlling and I know she doesn't ever not want to be in control of her life. She does have a lot of background, but so does everybody to some extent.”

 

It’s rare but not entirely impossible (hey there’s ME!!) for a person with this problem to change….if a person is NEVER wrong and sets the rules for the moral fiber of everyone around them, it’s hard to get them to change….

 

 

You are probably like the men in my life that have been through this with their wives….you are very kind, thoughtful, giving and patient….a controlling person takes advantage of the very characteristic that a good woman looks for in a man but usually chooses a jerk….it’s a vicious circle….it’s up to you now to live like this. You must have a fiber of control left in your life or you wouldn’t question your wife’s actions nor would you want to get things straightened out…I wish you could stay married to her and be happy with her to get things to change but that remains to be seen….there are plenty of books about things such as this…and a good book to start with to just help you as you decide how to handle what your future will be and it’s called Boundaries….the author’s name escapes me but you can find it in the library or book store….

 

I am being so harsh on your wife and I will admit, it’s because I am a bit mad at her for putting you through this, I’m mad at myself for being this way at one time and I’m still angry at my Mama for doing this….I’m sorry but I can’t separate my emotions about this!

 

Hang in there, it’s not going to be easy but the ending may not have to be bad!!

 

Tac, I had to write this over a course of hours because of interruptions...I don't have time to read over it so I hope the wording and spelling aren't too awful!! Take care!

[tac719]

Thanks! You've given me a lot to think about over the weekend. I can't type while at home. I do have a few more questions but that will have to wait till Monday.

 

I ran a spell check on your post. You did fine. LOL

[Bubbles]

Have a great week-end tac719. Be strong and remember all the things that vivian has shard with you. Stand up for yourself - do at least ONE thing for yourself this week-end and tell us all about it on Monday. I know that vivian and myself will be waiting to hear from you!

 

Take Care buddy,

 

Bubbles

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Bubbles

Have a great week-end tac719. Be strong and remember all the things that vivian has shard with you. Stand up for yourself - do at least ONE thing for yourself this week-end and tell us all about it on Monday. I know that vivian and myself will be waiting to hear from you!

 

Take Care buddy,

 

Bubbles

 

Yep, Bubbles, I and probably a bunch of people are pulling for you!! Check your PM...it basically says that it's a good idea that you don't post or read LS at home!!

[tac719]

Thanks. They left while I'm painting, so I can log on. Pathetic that I feel like I'm sneaking.

 

She's upset that I'm not being touchy feely with her. HELLO! We have issues here! I have done the "get close and be snuggly" only to have it blow up in my face over and over. I feel really guilty, but I can't bring myself to feel something I don't have right now. I'm pissed!

 

It's like this always. We fight over the things I've been discussing on the posts. After she tells me she hates me and had never married me. After being called a liar and that my family are idiots for having faith in their spouses for the umpteenth time. She acts like she is so vulnerable and fragile and that she is trying in the relationship and I'm not. Because she asks me to sit with her on the couch, which is fine, but it just means she wants me to massage her feet (every day). It's just not that easy to show a lot of affection after being beaten down emotionally.

 

You know the thing that really upsets me and I think others have brought it up. I'm a very outgoing person who loves to do things and is usually very upbeat(sounds like a personals) and I feel like I've been caged up. Like I'm not the same person right now as I look down upon myself. I just keep getting angrier inside.

 

Gotta go. Thanks for listening.

[FreeMe]

Tac,

 

I've been keeping current on your thread and I'm starting to regret having identified with your wife. My jealousy is such that I worry and get knots in my stomach over movies and tv, etc. (less than before I'm happy to say), but the manipulation, denial, games, playing the victim - things that your wife is perpetrating - those things I haven't done. What she's doing to you is so wrong. You sound like a genuinely nice, stable man and she's playing the kind of games that can do serious damage to you emotionally. I'm afraid she may be right - she may not be able to change.

 

Keep believing in yourself.