"Christian" girlfriends promiscuous past

[vzw]

Before I even start please understand that this isn't about Christianity or any other religion but rather about being a hypocrite. I don't expect or want Christian guidance, but rather rational human guidance.

 

I know there have been plenty of posts similiar to this one so please bare with me while I explain why I feel my situation may be unique.

 

I'm a male in my mid twenties and including my girlfriend, I have slept with 5 women in my life. I am by no means a perfect person and I don't pretend to be. My girlfriend is a few years older than I am and has slept with 20 men in her life. I am a firm believer that "if you dig up the past, all you get is dirty" but SHE was the one who initiated the question of how many people we've been with. What bothers me about her sexual past is that she is a big time " Christian" and makes me attend church with her, wears the crucifix, the whole 9 yards. My girlfriend has made it abudantly clear she wants to marry me and have children with me as well. What scares me is that someone who presents themselves as a Christian and was raised with those morals can care so little about how many people they've had intercourse with, as if every part of being a Christian pertains to her except not whoring around. Marriage is lifelong and "not to be entered lightly", and i'm not sure if she will hold herself to the vows of marriage, particularly those regarding adultery. A person's past is their past but behavior that has been prevalent in someones past can be indicative of how they will act in the future. Please understand that although it is difficult for me to block out images of her previous sexual exploits, that is not my gripe. We also worked together prior to dating and she would proudly exclaim that she was promiscuous and not seem to care, I guess I didn't really think about until until the prospect of actually spending my life with her came in to play. I may seem old fashioned, but to her sex "is just an act" except for with me because she's "in love with me" , for me, sex is the truest and biggest signification of love. I know she loves me and she would go to the ends of the earth for me but if she can stray away from her supposed morals so easily, it doesn't seem that a commitment would be wise. This is difficult for me because I do love her, but deep down I don't know if she's acting and will deviate from her morals that have been enstilled in her since she could talk. It's almost as if I feel like she justifies her promiscuity with Christianity because "God will forgive her anyway" Please share your thoughts on this one.

[AverageJoe]

I am not much of a christian but your statement about hypocrisy is point on.

 

She is having sex with you. I would imagine if she were to share that information with her church, it reasons to stand depending on her given area of faith, the church would boot her right out.

 

I dont think being a christain is a chinese menu where you might pick from column A and then column B.

 

To this day I never understand why people insist on sharing past bed partners. Nothing good can come of it.

[Sabali]

Can't a person grow and develop wisdom?

 

 

I am telling you right now and I hope you take this to heart... don't judge your girlfriend on this sort of sexual past. What is more important is the woman that she is now and how she treats you. I'll say it again:

 

Do not judge your girlfriend on this sort of sexual past.

 

If you feel strongly for this woman and she is a good person that treats you well, I would not hold this against her.

 

I have been in the vicinity where very nice, girl-next-door type women who were professionals do some very crazy stuff. I know that their future husbands (many of them are married now) will never know about this sort of past.

 

I know many men reading this may be thinking "Not my wife!"

Yes, your wife too!

 

The only difference here is that you know, OP. She is not a hypocrite if she is following the lifestyle of her religion now. Many women just had sex lives before us and we just have to deal with this. She could have done a lot worse things.

 

I bet you if you slept with that many women it would only bring a smile to your face. For some reason, it really bothers a lot of men when their woman has slept with quite a number of men. Let me tell you, if she even said she slept with 6 men, it would probably bother you.

 

Let it go, man, and allow yourself to be happy and not obsess over this.

[Jilly Bean]

Many things come to mind:

 

1 - is this really about you being jealous of her past and her being more experienced? This comes up a LOT with guys, and often on LS. Be honest - its anonymous here.

 

2 - I don't agree with your belief that because she was promiscuous in the past, she wont be a faithful partner. Ive been with a LOT of men. LOTS. However, that IS my past, and my recent history is one a very monogomous person who only has sex in a relationship. So, should someone not marry me because I was slutty 15 years ago?

 

3 - Are you moralistically trying to say that you were deeply and hopelessly in love with all 5 women you've been with? I seriously doubt that. And if you were, considering YOUR ethics on sex and religion, I think many could judge YOU are being less than chaste.

 

Bottom line, way too many guys come on here complaining about their GF's sexual past, and get so obsessed over it, they end the relationship. Eventually they become jealous and insecure, and sabotage things.

 

So, if you don't get a grip on this, stop judging her off her past, then you WILL be the one who damages this beyond repair. Is that what you want?

[InceptorsRule]

It sounds like you are worried that her proclamation of Christianity is more or less of a superficial "front" and that you don't feel comfortable with her ability to remain faithful to you, due to her self-admitted promiscuous past.

 

Well the courting stage is where you're supposed to make these evaluations because ultimately you have to live with your decision if you marry her.

 

If you've got doubts, and these doubts sound like something more serious than cold feet, then you've got to listen to them.

 

What are they telling you?

[vzw]

I honestly greatly appreciate all of your feedback thus far from either viewpoint. Regarding my past, I have no trouble admitting that I have had 3 serious relationships where I cared deeply for the other person and 2 instances where women have thrown themselves at me when my inhibitions were lowered and I submitted, as I stated before, I don't pretend to be perfect. My primary concerns don't have anything to do with jealousy, as I stated previously, I look at being able to stick to your morals that you preach highly, not that someone has screwed more people than I have, as if it's a difficult thing to do nowadays. We're dealing with someone who makes sure she is identified with the Church and corrects people who use "GD" and preaches the word regularly, and before I was with her would proudly let strangers know shes promiscuous. Beyond the fact that she brought it up and I never wanted to, I always do my best to save myself and not try to have intercourse with anything that walks. Perhaps you don't feel that same, but a couple of acts of indiscretion is different than purposely going out and trying to **** whoever and then go to Church on Sunday and make up for it. The truth is I don't really think she has changed, I still think she views sex as just something you do and I see it differently. The point is that even if her choices in life aren't wrong, is it wise for two people with completely different moral values to share their lives/children/etc... together?

[MrNate]

I honestly greatly appreciate all of your feedback thus far from either viewpoint. Regarding my past, I have no trouble admitting that I have had 3 serious relationships where I cared deeply for the other person and 2 instances where women have thrown themselves at me when my inhibitions were lowered and I submitted, as I stated before, I don't pretend to be perfect. My primary concerns don't have anything to do with jealousy, as I stated previously, I look at being able to stick to your morals that you preach highly, not that someone has screwed more people than I have, as if it's a difficult thing to do nowadays. We're dealing with someone who makes sure she is identified with the Church and corrects people who use "GD" and preaches the word regularly, and before I was with her would proudly let strangers know shes promiscuous. Beyond the fact that she brought it up and I never wanted to, I always do my best to save myself and not try to have intercourse with anything that walks. Perhaps you don't feel that same, but a couple of acts of indiscretion is different than purposely going out and trying to **** whoever and then go to Church on Sunday and make up for it. The truth is I don't really think she has changed, I still think she views sex as just something you do and I see it differently. The point is that even if her choices in life aren't wrong, is it wise for two people with completely different moral values to share their lives/children/etc... together?

 

Ah, so this is the plight, well this is totally understandable. If you decide to walk away, I don't think you would be making a bad decision. People break up with others all the time because of differing views, and I don't really think anyone is at fault for that.

 

If you feel deep down that she's not for you, and things haven't been changing, it may be time to let it go.

[kalikula]

Issues....

 

1. Christianity doesn't mean you can't have sex before youre married.

 

She isn't a hypocrite if she is currently following the requirements of her religion. Yes you are forgiven for all of your sins... However, it sounds to me as if you DON'T respect her and that is the current issue. If you can't get past the promiscuity in her past and believe that she will stay faithful to you, then you should obviously not marry her.

[Sabali]

I honestly greatly appreciate all of your feedback thus far from either viewpoint. Regarding my past, I have no trouble admitting that I have had 3 serious relationships where I cared deeply for the other person and 2 instances where women have thrown themselves at me when my inhibitions were lowered and I submitted, as I stated before, I don't pretend to be perfect. My primary concerns don't have anything to do with jealousy, as I stated previously, I look at being able to stick to your morals that you preach highly, not that someone has screwed more people than I have, as if it's a difficult thing to do nowadays. We're dealing with someone who makes sure she is identified with the Church and corrects people who use "GD" and preaches the word regularly, and before I was with her would proudly let strangers know shes promiscuous. Beyond the fact that she brought it up and I never wanted to, I always do my best to save myself and not try to have intercourse with anything that walks. Perhaps you don't feel that same, but a couple of acts of indiscretion is different than purposely going out and trying to **** whoever and then go to Church on Sunday and make up for it. The truth is I don't really think she has changed, I still think she views sex as just something you do and I see it differently. The point is that even if her choices in life aren't wrong, is it wise for two people with completely different moral values to share their lives/children/etc... together?

 

Well, considering what you have stated here, that changes things a bit. If she still thinks sex is just something you do and don't realize that it can be something much more than that then you could have a problem on your hand in the future such as your future kids looking peculiarly like the mailman... or not.

[vzw]

Well, considering what you have stated here, that changes things a bit. If she still thinks sex is just something you do and don't realize that it can be something much more than that then you could have a problem on your hand in the future such as your future kids looking peculiarly like the mailman... or not.

 

lol. I think that at this point in our young relationship sex is something that she approaches differently than before, but humans are complicated and dynamic creatures. Someone who has lived their life a certain way all through their late twenties to just change permanently for someone else is a good way to boost my ego, but I'm more of a realist and I won't flatter myself just yet. I truly want this to work but taking into consideration everything at stake like.. the rest of my life, my children's perception of the world and what they value. Entering into a marriage with someone is completely different than just being upset with someone you're dating because they've been wild in their past. She has brought up marriage and kids repeatedly, with one of the mentions of having kids occurring mid-coitus (yes I was scared sh*tless). Looking at divorce rates and how that could change my life... sometimes faith can only take you so far before you need another point of view.

[Enchanted Girl]

I don't know how I can possibly respond to this thread WITHOUT talking about Christianity because you're so focused on it.

 

First of all, she's not a hypocrite. Only you are in this instance. A hypocrite is someone who tells other people not to do something (for instance, someone who goes around and tells people not to be a homosexual) and then does those things in private (is a homosexual themselves.) She's not telling anyone to do anything. Although you're telling HER that she shouldn't have slept around with people in the past, even though you did the same thing yourself. If anyone is a hypocrite here, it's you. Since she doesn't seem to care if people sleep around.

 

Secondly, Christianity has a lot of requirements and rules and unlike other religions, they receive forgiveness when they mess up on those rules. I really don't understand why people focus on things like promiscuity and then ignore the fact that the Bible also condemns children talking back to their parents just because almost every child has done that before. You can't base your judgment on her according to how well she lives up to all the rules in the Bible because the Christians religions is ABOUT how no one can live up to all the rules in the Bible. (It's complicated.)

 

Instead, I think you should ignore the fact that she's religious entirely. That has nothing to do with anything.

 

If you really have reason to believe that she doesn't want to practice monogamy and that you need someone who practices monogamy, then that's the real issue here. Take her religion out of the equation and analyze that. Because even if she wasn't a Christian and that was her attitude, then it would still be a problem anyway.

 

Did she cheat in the past on her lovers? I mean, maybe she is monogamous if she was only with one guy at a time and never cheated. If she doesn't have a past of cheating, why do you assume she'll have a future of it? Sleeping with a lot of different people isn't the same as cheating on a person, so don't mix up the two. So far you haven't mentioned once that she cheated on any of these people, so that's why I'm bringing the subject up.

[AverageJoe]

She has brought up marriage and kids repeatedly, with one of the mentions of having kids occurring mid-coitus (yes I was scared sh*tless)

 

Holy Terror! I would have been out the next day. OUT! Is that acceptable to you?

 

God, I really hate (sorry op) to go off topic, but EG Lord have mercy - Point made. Choose from column A and at the same time choose Columm B.

[elaina]

Hello,

 

I'm a Christian, and this quote of yours really worries me:

 

she is a big time " Christian" and makes me attend church with her, wears the crucifix, the whole 9 yards.

My parents took me to church since I was in the womb lol until I was around 13, and then I had the choice of whether I wanted to go or not. They preferred that I go, but there was no "making" me, nor was there any punishment when I didn't go. My being a Christian now, and when, where, and if I go to church, are entirely MY choice.

 

Now, your being made to do "religious stuff" is very worrisome, because it should be your choice, not your girlfriend's making you do it. If she is making you do it, I suggest you tell her to stop. I personally would not even consider someone who thought I was "making" him, do anything. That's sad. You're free to do what you believe is right, as long as you aren't breaking any laws or hurting people. If you don't believe in going to church, wearing the crucifix and whatever, then DON'T do it.

 

About if she is being a hypocrite, that's between her and God.

 

If you don't want to be involved with her, then don't have sex with her! Don't be her boyfriend anymore.

 

Find a woman who is more in line with what you personally believe and who doesn't "make" you do things.

Edited August 18, 2010 by elaina

[TaurusTerp]

The bible says to abstain from ALL sex aside from sex between a husband and his wife, so how can you tell us about your holiness when you're going to burn?

 

If you ignore the premartial sex, there is NOTHING in the bible than condemns her multiple partners.

[meerkat stew]

Don't really want to go into all the analytical detail, but I think she is going to cheat eventually if you stick with her. I'd dump and move on.

[taiko]

The Christian has two lives, the life before acceptance and the wish to follow God and the life after. Generally know as being "born again". If and when your girlfriend had the experience, what you don't know, is what determine hypocrisy.

 

Her past is there, she came clean with you, the question is can you deal with it. Secondly why are you going to church, she can't make you. In fact you are you trying to con her about your belief to get into her pants?

[that girl]

What kind of Christian is she? I'm getting the impression that she is Roman Catholic and Roman Catholics tend to have a different view of the whole virginity issue than say Evangelical Christians.

 

How long have you two been dating?

 

It does seem that the issue is how many people she has slept with rather than hypocrisy.