Fiance left, please provide the sound advice I have seen on here 4 my coming or goin

[castles_blue]

after three and a half year, passionate relationship and being engaged for three months my girl called me on the phone and told me that she was going to be staying at her mothers for that night or so. The next day she told me begrudgingly that she would be coming to get the rest of her things, that "something was missing, I don't know" The night before she left we were laughing wildly as I entertaine dher and she told me I was the best boyfriend ever.

 

I remianed calm, no breakdown because I know that is not what you do and expressed with words that i was sad, but talked cordially to her and even reminisced about old times and possible future ones. she was happy to engage in the conversation. we agreed to meet three days later to say goodbye and to get something off of my chest, she agreed. I did not communicate to her until then. The day we were supposed to meet her mother came to the place and took all of her clothing out of the aprtment.

 

We met for dinner, and talked happily, with a few moments of tearing up and many moments of doing the "little things" that we both loved about one another. As dinner ended we walked to the cars and I said "I guess this is it" we hugged and then kissed passionately and held each other tight. She got in her car and she was crying hysterically, almost across the seats. She kissed em again and said I was the most wonderful man in the world. She drove off and almost wrecked, never letting me leave her vision.

 

I went home that night and was sad but calm. She caled me an hour later and could barely speak. The phone cut out briefly and she screamed "where are you, where are you". I calmed her and we talked about the future and our past, she spoke of getting married to me and our wedding day. I oarted from the phine with her only for her to call me back an hour later, stating, "i was just calling to see if you were asleep" and we talked sme more. She confessed she hated her job, which I had told her made her miserable and she had denied. she used to come from there miserable, and get miserbale when she left the apartment.

 

 

She also called the next night, great conversation, if you were a fly on the wall you would say that it was just more of the fairytale love story that we had. After these two night, each day was followed by e-mail kind of contradicting what she had said on the phone. After reading thse, I made my communication scarce. I did call toward the edn of the month to ask her abut the rent she owed. she told me that she will pay her end of the lease since the place we moved inot was based onthe both of us.

 

I asked what day of the month are you gong to send it going forward? she said she would juts pay it all in one lump sum and drop it off the next day. She also said the she and her mother would come by on sunday for the rest of her stuff....a tv, a gorgeous comforter, a ton of kitchen stuff, photo albums of her friends, a fur coat and four winter coats. She asked me to check storage for anythign else. Sadly I packed all of ths sentimental stuff into a box her mother had left and set it in the center of the room, highlighted by a painting I had done of her.

 

Thursday came and she went to eh place while I was not there, left a check for only February, stating February rent going back on he rlump sum payment, took her her bottle of jergens and some books her aunt gave her. walked past everything else.

 

Sunday came and they never showed for the stuff. That was over four weeks ago. In that time I have stayed very scarce, never calling her even after al of the phone calls were great. sent her an e-card every week, but kept them upbeat telling her some of the things that I held dear that she never knew of. she never replied, but read everyone. they were not written looking for a reply.

 

In this time apart, I did realize that I was not the man I had been to her, because of the death of my grandmother and my grandfather ina very short time period. I realized that I was not giving her th elove I usually did. As this happened in December and January, I found out form my sister that she admitted to her at X-mas that she hated her job and felt trapped becaus eher Mother's boyfriend owned the company. I feel that I failed her when she needed me the most. I would guess that the thing that was missing was me.

 

Idid compose an eight page letter telling her of what was going on with my grief and its suppression. I want to giv eti to her, but fear it violates the "no contact" rule. On top of that, i do not even know what to think of the situation...is her stuff still there because she just has not come around to it, or is she thinking things out? If she is thinking things out, do I stand down and free of her? she alwasy liked being chased....back when we were e-mailing after the split my e-,ail got cut off in regards to my weekend plans, she replied, "it was cut off, I am dying of suspence, What are you going to do, resuce me?"

 

any thoughts, I hav ebeen reading yur posts for a week or so and felt a great deal of help. I thought I would ask and then contribute of course. Thank you all and God bless you, we are in troubled times, but remember...every second is a chanc eto turn it all around.

[Darkangelism]

wow, do you know why she left? It sounds to me like her mother had something to do with it, but you are doing good with the no contact, so just keep it up.

[Arabess]

I understand your confusion. I feel confused too!

 

Her actions don't jive with the normal "I want space" good bye that some people use to get out of a relationship gracefully. It sounds as though she wants to be with you, but for some reason, is keeping her distance.

 

How much of a role does her Mom's opinion play in her life? Does her mom dislike you? Does your girlfriend think you cheated on her? Did you have a past argument which wasn't resolved? I think, if I were you, I'd have to ask myself a lot of questions to figure out what is driving this wedge between you guys.

 

Maybe the letter and gift is a good idea.

 

I would also tell her you don't like being in limbo and need a conclusive answer as to what she wants from you as far as a relationship. It's sad to give an ultimatum....but you can't sit around and wait forever with no suitable direction from her.

[castles_blue]

when this all first happened, i did ask her, would you come back even if you wanted to...she replied, I would be too afraid. she is no the first move maker.

 

her mother does like me, but she is very unhappy with her own life, she is divorced and in a lonely relationship. I think she sees this as a way to have her buddy around...they are very close. so sdaly my girls is confused and turns for advice from a person that needs some companionship.. if she is in the house, the mother is not alone. if she is with me, she is alone. how would i adress that....

 

do you think her leaving that stuff there for so long is somewhat of a sign that she is thinking?

 

thank you so much for your input, you are an angel to me truly.

[Arabess]

I think the 'Mom' situation could very well be the problem. Parents sometimes have a way of manipulating their kids....at ANY age. She may not even realize she is doing it.

 

If your girlfriend is feeling guilty because her Mom is unhappy and feeling all alone....she may not feel free to indulge in her own happiness with you. The sudden death of your grandparents could've caused her to see her own parental link as being more vulnerable. If I thought my Mom was miserable....I'd have a hard time experiencing joy in my own life.

 

If that's the case....then the only person who can fix the problem is her. You guys could talk about it though. Again, maybe neither her Mom, nor her, realize it.

 

If she was done with the relationship, I would THINK she would move her stuff out. Maybe she is seeing the current 'break up' as a temporary situation...till she can figure out in her heart why she isn't with the guy she loves....or able to enjoy being happy with or without him.

[SoleMate]

What a sad story. Your grief comes through in every paragraph. I agree that this is very hard to understand. It's not the usual breakup. She seems to still have the same attachment to you, but something powerful is coming between you. Do you have a sense of what it is? Could it be her mother, as others have said? Is there a chance it is mental illness?

 

You lost your grandparents. Did you ask your gf to comfort and console you? That is a natural way for her to help you, and it brings both of you together. You feel you were not there for her at times - have you told her that? She probably wanted more true heart to heart communication with you. Women like to talk things out. They're not looking for their man to solve their problems, just to LISTEN with an open heart. And really let her know that you've heard her and that her feelings are important to you. Could this have been what was lacking? If so, if you ever do re-establish contact, good listening will be your job #1. You might want to find a book that describes "generous listening".

 

Leaving her stuff there may be a sign that things are not final. However, I don't want to give you too much hope. This is definitely a very difficult situation that does not look good for a continuation of the relationship.

 

Take heart, we are here for you. Post as much as you need to, LS is a 24 hour talk line.

[castles_blue]

do you think I should take that letter over to her as well as the paintings i did for valentines day? I can use the guise of dropping off her license as the reason. I do not think I should see her, maybe cal her after I drop it at the door and am on my way to the car or in the car....create a little, "why did he not stay" in her mind.

 

everyone speaks of the no contact rule, and i have followed...except for an e-card once a week or less telling her one of those "things" that a person feels or lvoes about their loved one even thought it may not be shared, like a crush you may have on a littel thing they do. nocrying or begging, just love. the system tells you when they are picked up, and they get picked up a minute after they get there. she nevr replies back, but they are not looking for a reply or seeking one.

 

I do not have too muhc hope because of the stuff, she still does have keys tot he apartment as well. i do belive that the end of the february will be a push for her to get it out and pay the next rent, that's why i think i may need ot make this gesture. the letter tells her what i was going through, i thought she should know now since i did not tell her the full extent then. The painting is titled "The Night We Met, How I Remember It" and I put my handprint on the back of the canvas. It represents that night we fell in love, and the story of "the two stars" that is between us. she is very sappy, very much a romantic, maybe this would be wise to set on her doorstep.

 

i

[Arabess]

I think something as wonderful as a painting....you should give to her face to face....and look into her eyes.

[meanon]

I agree there is more to this breakup than meets the eye. I would stay in touch, be honest about how you feel about her including the fact that you want her back and let her know you are there for her. I think she has more to tell you. Good luck.

[castles_blue]

the day i started to post this i received an e-mail from her-she had stopped by her place and saw two wine glasses and thought that i had found somebody else...silly girl. we did talk for some time after i called her to tell he rshe was crazy. i told her we need to talk, but we need to go and pant pottery more and she said yes.

 

i did find out from the conversation that she is indeed going back to columbus, oh. very sad.

 

my sister called her to say goodbye that night and she found out that she is still very much in love with me, she said it over and over, and that I was the best boyfriend. She did tell he rthough that she is not happy with herself, personally and feels that it is not fair for me to have to put up that internal unhappiness becuase it effects how she treats me. She told my sister that she drives past the place everyday, sometimes more than once a day. My sister said she sounds like a 23 year old girl that is confused by so many things in her life, a job she hates, missing Columbus, but definitely not out of love with me. Cold Feet perhaps.

 

The next morning I wake up and get out of the shower and there she is walking towards me. We embrace and hold each otehr for so long and stared inot each others eyes while i rubbed my finger thorugh her hair. we talekd a bit and she did tell me that she i sunhappy with herself and does not know why, but cannot be with me if she feels this way not now. she always kept touching me, and seh was crying allof the time. She did tell me that she is going to Columbus. and of course i told her what could happen if she wants it to.

 

i told her if she wants to give this a try it is small steps, that she does not have to come back as my fiance or future wife, but my girlfriend, my date. I told her that this was not an all or nothing situation and after this long and what is between us it is worth another try. she seemd to be happy to hear this.

 

i wlaked he rto teh car and we hugged for so long and kissed each otehrs cheeks. She told me that she loves me so much and I said the same. She drove off as I stood there in my pajamas on the steps, holding my heart and mouthing to he rthat I love her so much. she kept staring at me and slowly pulled away.

 

what can id o now, wait and hope that that love will be a bond that ties....hope she works out that stuff and can return.

[castles_blue]

I got thi se-mail form he rtoday after doing a very, very sweet thing for her....I donot know what to make of it....the negatvie thoughts in my head have clouded my judgement...what is she looking for....here is her e-mail

 

 

thank you so much, baby. I do love your suprises and I love the way you can always make me smile when I need it the most.

Sunday night I went searhing for answers to all of life's little answers and do you know where I found myself? Blurry eyes, I found myself in Cranberry. I found myself in front of St. Ferdinands church in tears, and all I wanted to do was cuddle into a pew and pray. when I arrived, just after six, the parking lot was packed with cars and hustling church members so I drove away, and found my comfort elsewhere. I found my comfort in your window. I found my comfort from the lights and the heart hanging just for me.

I wanted to let you know that I was there, but I couldn't utter a word. I couldn't move from my car. I wanted to leave you a note to tell you that I was there, that I needed you. I wanted you to know that you came to my resue but didn't have to do a thing, but be. I found myself in that parking lot without a paper or a pen. All I had were my prayers, my tears and a Hartners lunch coupon.

Thank you baby. thank you for making me smile. it is you that gets me through my days. It is knowign that someone cares. It is knowing that someone else, under the same stars, is sharing in my prayers.

Love, your bug

[Confused123]

ok, I have a opinion and some adice for you. I was also engaged and with my last boyfriend of five years. This women is not being fair to you. I think you need to stop thinking so much about what she is thinking and doing and start thinking about yourself. She sounds like she is being very selfish of your feelings.

 

Sometimes, to truly find if someone loves you is to completely let them go. Don't bring her stuff over, mail it to her. Don't let her call all the shots, you are going to drive yourself crazy. I just walked away from everything, cancelled my wedding, moved out of our my apartment, all because he was not treating me right. She is not treeatig you right. You sound like a very sensative guy, who doesn't deserve this. Believe me once you are really out and can see your life through your eyes again and not have them so clouded with your thoughts about her, you will feel much better.

 

I suggest moving on, don't try and make something happen that needs to be forced. She is playing games with you. In my opinion she needs to grow up and make a decision. Hang in there, I really do understand

[Arabess]

There is certainly a lot of merit in not putting your whole life on hold....while she works out her problems...whatever they may be.

 

If she really loves you and wants to be with you.....she should do what it takes to make it happen. Maybe you should offer to be her friend.....but let her know that YOU TOO are going to date other people and fill up the space she left behind.

 

Put HER in the position of having to make some choices and make them fast. Waiting endlessly....isn't fair to you....regardless of her reason for leaving the relationship.