floatingheart19 Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 Affairs are not usually topics in conversations..but affairs are what people all over the world do..and im one of those people.... as hard as this is for me to admit , but i have been having an affair with an older man......and i walk away....but always find myself thinking of him.. heres the story... my long time boyfriend and i have been together for years...and as any usual couple..we argue and fight and always make up.. well this time i took it to far. i started having an affair back in Dec of 09 with a man that i work with, hes handsome, very polite and very respectful..and most inportantly..single.. i have been living a double life for 8 months now..and i am really confused. i love my boyfriend but i could admit that im not in love... i love the other man..but im not in love with him either.. but i cant let either one of them go. its very selfish on my part. my boyfriend is a great father and treats me very well and has no idea.. i pick fights with him so i could leave the house and go with the other man.. and when im with the other man i have a wonderful time but at the end of the night i pick a fight with him to get back home... the situation has gotten totally out of control..im labeld as the " girlfriend " at work and i look over my shoulder when we go out to lunch... ive told the other man that i want to end things and i want to work things out with my boyfriend and i do everything i could think of to make him hate me ..but it backfires on me and he wants to be with me even more.. its become like an obsession and im going insane... its gotten so out of control that hes asked me to marry him... ...but thats not what i want, i have told him many times for us to go our seperate ways...i have even changed my number..but working together makes it so hard to move on...im very confused.... hes a wonderful man but i dont want to give up the life i had before him but im afraid if i do, i might regret it.. and i cant help but say that i feel as when i tell him its over...it really hurts him.. what should i do... theres a lot more to this story than i have shared.. i just dont know what to do anymore...make someone else happy or make myself happy ... Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 How would you feel if your boyfriend was doing to you what you have been doing to him? You have continued to cheat on him and put his health at risk for std's. If you have any compassion at all for your boyfriend you will then tell him the truth and allow him in the decision making on whether he wishes to continue the relationship with you. What you have been doing to him is extremely hurtful and cruel. This is not all about you. Your actions indicate that you do not really love your boyfriend so tell him the truth so he will have the opportunity to find another woman who will value and respect him since you clearly do not. Do the right thing and tell him the truth. It is the very least you can do. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floatingheart19 Posted August 18, 2010 Author Share Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) ..and i completely agree... i do get routine check ups ...however it dosent make it okay. and i did note that there was much more to the story than what im sharing, but i do see your points... trying is not the same as doing and my bfs feelings are important to me.. i didnt have a right to do and continue to do what im doing, im being selfish, but at the same time ..this is my first time ever cheating and i did do it at an extreme depression part in my life..and somehow i let it get really far.. but your completely right!! Edited August 18, 2010 by floatingheart19 mispelling Link to post Share on other sites
U2RockZz Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 are you 19 yrs old... Link to post Share on other sites
Fight4Me Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 I can only suggest counseling at this point. You need to get to the root of the problem inside yourself that drives this need to cheat. You also need to come clean to the one you have a commitment with, especially since you both share a child together. Set up couples counseling first, and have a third party present when you do. Regardless, he's your priority, and partner, and disclosing all the information could also help get this guy at work off your back. And let me emphasize, you don't want to be "that girl" at work, so the professional thing is to end it with him. If he won't take no for an answer, a trip to HR is in order. Get serious about this. Get serious about your life and fixing your behavior. It's never too early or late. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floatingheart19 Posted August 18, 2010 Author Share Posted August 18, 2010 No im not 19..the situation sounds like only a adolescent would be in. but im 10 years older than that, and i took the first step today and personally told the om that i was done and i didnt want to continue this madness of a relationship..and he goes from being sweet to angry ..he says its not going to end this way,. its like he hates rejection and dosent want to accept it ...HR might be seeing me in their office pretty soon. Link to post Share on other sites
cookie2 Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 You might want to think about going to HR sooner rather than later, and explain the situation. If he is getting nasty then it's possible that he will go to HR and try to get you in trouble. Who knows what lies he might make up. If you explain the situation now, you'll get in your side of the story and if he does start trouble, it'll be on record. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 Congratulations on taking your first step. It sounds like this OM is vindicative. The chances are good that he will threaten to tell your husband. What you need to do is to come clean with your husband now. If he hears it from you it will be less painful than finding out from someone else. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 What goes around comes around---you screw people over it comes back and bites you in the butt Watch your lover contact your boyfriend----and you are gonna be out the door with both of them--- Link to post Share on other sites
Cozzy Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 Congratulations on taking your first step. It sounds like this OM is vindicative. The chances are good that he will threaten to tell your husband. What you need to do is to come clean with your husband now. If he hears it from you it will be less painful than finding out from someone else. Good luck. Definitely agree with this...If he knows how to get a hold of your husband, he will...he is obviously angry now and will do whatever it takes to hurt you and telling your husband is the logical step. Tell him and accept the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floatingheart19 Posted August 18, 2010 Author Share Posted August 18, 2010 well thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. i am determined to tell my bf what has been going on and give him the option to stay with me or leave me. in all fairness. hes the victim here to some extint... the other man has never threaten me to tell my bf , he isnt that type. well what i know of him. however he is upset and will probably retaliate ... im keeping my ground, he has been by my office and tries to communicate with me , he wrote me an email saying , were not over and we will be together ... this is really getting scary. he makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide. but i am proud of ending this and coming clean. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 Definitely agree with this...If he knows how to get a hold of your husband, he will...he is obviously angry now and will do whatever it takes to hurt you and telling your husband is the logical step. Tell him and accept the consequences. to add to this................ Floating Heart, if you can try to see things from your bf's point of view.... Imagine how he's going to react when he finds out you've been cheating on him for the better part of a year----he's going to be devastated, disillusioned, and more than a little angry.That's a given. But that's not the point I want to make........... My point is, that it will be all the more painful, heartbreaking, and make him angrier......... if he hears about it first from the Other Man, It will humiliate him completely. His pain will be doubled, and any chance of you guys healing from this will be greatly reduced....your bf's ability to trust you will be damaged that much more , if he hears it from a third party (Esp. the OM) Why even take that chance with your bf's emotional well-being? Please don't drag your feet about coming clean................. Link to post Share on other sites
Cozzy Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 to add to this................ Floating Heart, if you can try to see things from your bf's point of view.... QUOTE] This is very good too IMO. Looking at situations in perspective allows ppl to see more than what they initially would have from just their side. Step into another persons shoes and think "how would they feel," or just simply look at the situation from a 3rd person POV. I think looking in perspective is a valuable life skill for anyone in any situation. You can't always know exactly how another person will think or feel but more often then not looking at the situation logically from the outside will yield more informed decisions and ultimately better results for the parties involved. Link to post Share on other sites
InceptorsRule Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 A lot of women seem to feel that their primary source of real power in their lives emanates from their vagina. They see what playing that card does--it gives them seemingly "magical powers" over men. The kind of power is intoxicating. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 18, 2010 Share Posted August 18, 2010 im keeping my ground, he has been by my office and tries to communicate with me , he wrote me an email saying , were not over and we will be together ... this is really getting scary. he makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide. but i am proud of ending this and coming clean. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you for ending this and coming clean too. Now, regarding the OM. Send him an email telling him not to contact you again, that you are very uncomfortable with his communications and telling him that you will go to HR (assuming you have an HR department) if he fails to comply with your wishes. Make it clear and keep it short. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted August 19, 2010 Share Posted August 19, 2010 You said earlier that your BF is a good father. Do you have kids 2gether? That complicates things. If you don't have kids 2gether, DON'T until/if you can recover from your infidelity as a 2ple. He may not want that, so be prepared. There are consequences 2 all the choices we make in life. -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 The ONLY way you are going to even have a REMOTE CHANCE at recovering the relationship that you DESTROYED with your Boyfriend is by going completely NO CONTACT with the guy you have been ****ING behind his back for 8 months... That means that the only reason you will be going to HR will be to quit. If you think any other action will be enough you are stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author floatingheart19 Posted August 23, 2010 Author Share Posted August 23, 2010 thank you all for giving me your advise...i am able to take what everyone had to share and make it positive.. since then i have cut communication with the OM and i did tell my bf. we do have children together , and i let him know whatever there was to know about the affair. he of course was hurt and i feel like the monster for causing pain to another human being , especially one that i had planned to spend the rest of my life with .... he did want to know why....and i had no other reason but that i was being selfish and inconsiderate....which is the truth. we will be attending counceling.... as for the other man.... i gave my bf all my passwords and...now have peace with myself... he received an email from the other man and he actually took the liberty to reply to him...so i dont think i will have to worry about the OM trying to communicate with me again... again i appreciate the little push that i was given by all the readers... and i do realize now ....nothings worth risking...especially...Family... Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted August 23, 2010 Share Posted August 23, 2010 Good for you!!!! Now comes the heavy lifting to repair your R w/ your bf. If you want it to work w/him, be very very very patient w/him.....he needs time to process this...........at his own pace. it's gonna take time. There are some great sites about affair recovery available if you do a google search. I wish you my best. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted August 24, 2010 Share Posted August 24, 2010 He will go through a state of pure rage... He is going to love you and absolutely hate you at the same time... And he wont be able to hide it. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted August 24, 2010 Share Posted August 24, 2010 well thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. i am determined to tell my bf what has been going on and give him the option to stay with me or leave me. in all fairness. hes the victim here to some extint... the other man has never threaten me to tell my bf , he isnt that type. well what i know of him. however he is upset and will probably retaliate ... im keeping my ground, he has been by my office and tries to communicate with me , he wrote me an email saying , were not over and we will be together ... this is really getting scary. he makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide. but i am proud of ending this and coming clean. You've got my thoughts and prayers!!!!!! (((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts