Don't understand Ex GF?

[LALuck]

I was with a girl for 8 months. I'm 20, she's 19. I had seduced her into wanting me without even knowing it. We worked together at the same company and I played a challenge, until she came after me and asked me out on the first and second date. I stood her up for a second date and she begged me to become her boyfriend the next day. After 2 months of being together, she told me she loved me and I told her after that. After 3 months of being together, we became fully intimate. I am her 2nd serious boyfriend. She had another boyfriend at the age of 15-16, which she says she broke up with because he was too controlling and she set him up with her best friend because they belonged together, but I think that he might have broke up with her because she kept him in such a high regard even at the age of 18. She would talk about him with our coworkers before me and her started dating. She remained friends with him up until she moved out to Los Angeles. She said she has had a couple of boyfriends but she never got serious with any of them. I have seen the needy letters they would write her and I realize why. I was the man (cocky and funny & I had power at work & influence; people looked up to me). This girl is the ultimate attention whore. She would take me every day into the time clock room and try to kiss me and smother me with attention for the last couple of months of our relationship. She would give me love notes once in a while at work. She would flash herself to me if we were in a room at work just for fun. I never overdid it with the I love you's and I would call her only once in a while; she would either call me or we would go straight from work out. Towards the end of our relationship, she had it all planned out how she would spend time with me when she moved into student housing after her sister was planning to move back east. She already knew that she could have a guest over 3 nights of the month and that would be me. She planned that if she moved east for her junior and senior year of college, how she would wait and come be with me after. She had her whole life planned around me.

 

She had a guy friend who was very close to her. He would call her all of the time and just try to woo her, but she was always staying with me. She even told me how she would make him pay for her dinner. Most of the time she was with his group of friends but a couple of times it was just them two going to like a play or something. One time, about six months into the relationship, she broke up with me out of the blue saying that she needed time to think things over. She went to visit her family back east for a week and I did not call her or nothing. She asked him to pick her up from the airport and he came with roses telling her how much he liked her and he tried to kiss her. Well, guess what, about 2-3 days later me and her made up at work after the office was closed (if you get what I mean). She brought up the idea another time that she had feelings for him about 1 month later and I keep cool about it and become friends with her and we made up after a week.

 

Anyways he stayed her friend and I was having my relationship with her. We did lots of things that we both liked. We would spend 2-3 nights out a week. We were intimate about 2x a week. One night about a month before we break up, she has plans with this guy and he comes to our office to pick her up. I talk to him about school and stuff. Just very casual. I take her into a side room to kiss her goodbye and she says that I am embarassing her. I get kinda pissy and talk with her about how its not right and all and then I leave. The next day at work I start teasing her about how she told me the first time that she broke up with me about how she had feelings for this guy. She cries as she leaving work and I apologise to her. The next morning, she tells me that she wants to break off her friendship with this guy because she sees how much it was bothering me. I told her once before that if you like this guy, go ahead and be with him and she swore to me that she loved me truly. So the next night being friday she says that she went and told him that she didn't want to hang out with him anymore and she comes to my house after.

 

That month, I had a car accident with a rental car, she cries when I got to work so scared that something might have happened to me. We spend 2-3 nights a week that month going out or watching tv at eachothers houses. We would fall asleep in eachothers arms and then go home when it got too late. One day at work a girl came to say hi to me as I was watching the front office and my girlfriend got insanely jealous asking why is that girl talking to you (even though, she just asked if I went to her school). The next day my girl saw her in school and she told me she wanted to kill that girl for even talking to me the day before. Another day that week we had plans to go to lunch at 1 because I would start work at 11 and she would start at 2. When I told her I wanted to work, she said I was looking so forward to lunch with you and she wouldn't accept my flaking on her, so we went out and had fun. She was getting very stressed out at work because about 2 months before our breakup, we got a new manager (her sister was the old manager). He would sit and bother everyone about anything and he said that she wasn't working hard enough. I tried to be supportive, but one night we were together, she decided to quit. The next day she gave in a resignation letter.

 

She had a lot of free time on her hands, but she would call me and tell me she missed being around me. She worked 1 sunday at the company that her sister was now working at and she told me how much she missed me and how lonely she was. Anyways, we spent time together. That weekend, she sat with me in a park when we were walking and told me how much she loved me and how she was sorry for ever breaking up with me before and she swore that she would never do it again. I didn't take her too seriously. I told her don't make a promise that you can't keep and she kept swearing to me. The next week we spent 2 nights that week together and she initiated all of the seriousness. We had lots of fun. That weekend we went out to dinner at a cafe and she split the costs with me. (She is pretty good about giving, we went on a trip during the summer and I paid for the hotel and she paid for all of the food that weekend because I wouldn't let her pay for the hotel; it was a lot for the food.) On the tuesday of that week, we went into the Pacific Palisades bluffs and we had a picnic and it was really sweet. I called her a couple of times in that week during the days because I would get bored. She was out looking for work so I would leave 2-3 messages a day for her telling her how much I loved and missed her (I know it is a big mistake, especially when I never left messages for her before). I spoke to her on that Thursday night and she was acting cold over the phone so I came to see her. She started making nonsense arguements with me saying how I was this and that and how I did this and that. I got defensive, but I stopped myself after halfway. I told her like 3 times, "Do you want to break up?" and she said no.

 

Anyways, she wanted to see me on the day before the Yom Kippur holiday. I told her I couldn't and she kept begging to see me. I told her I would see her after the holiday was over. She was dog sitting at someone's place that night. (She was supposed to spend that week over at my house because I had my house to myself. She would spend every other month for a week at my place because my parents would go on business trips. She loved doing that. But, she got this dog sitting job last minute from her neighbor.) I came over after the holiday. She was into herself. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she didn't want to talk about it. I kept pressuring her until she said that I think we should take a break. I asked her for how long and she said we should break up. I asked her are we taking a break or breaking up. I acted furtherly antiseductive by questioning her and becoming emotional. She said I could still stay the night if I didn't bother her. She was warm and playful around me while we were in the same bed. The next morning she tried to finish her homework that she couldn't finish the night before and she didn't get it done.

 

I dropped her off at college and instead of going to my university, I came back after her class to bring her a sunflower and a note. I see the guy walking to her house. I come inside and she sees that I met up with the guy. She had told me a few weeks earlier that she was going to discontinue her friendship with the guy because she saw how much it was hurting me. Anyways, I start getting angry and she starts saying to me how she is with the guy now. The guy had been coming to pick up his jacket from a few nights before. I try walking away and she tells me how ugly I made her feel. I start asking her all of these crazy questions and she plays along to piss me off. I ask the guy how long have they been together and he gives different answers then she gives at that moment. I ask him, how could he have spent time with her in the past month, if I had been with her so much and he says I wouldn't see her for 3 weeks at a time. This guy was completely playing it off just to piss me off. They kept trying to come up with stories that didn't play out. (Trust me on this one even though I know you will call me on it). She starts crying telling me how I wasn't supposed to be there and her dogs start running into the street. They leave for her job interview. Anyways, so she calls later that week to pick up her paycheck from work and I tell her she can pick it up and I slam the phone. She picks up her check the day I am not there.

 

I call the next monday to say that I am coming over to say that I am sorry for acting unprofessional and she says she is uncomfortable with that and I say fine and the conversation ends. The next day, Tuesday, (one week after we broke up) she calls work. I tell her I am busy. The following week, I go to her sister's office and say hi to the sister (me and the sister are good friends and I am friends with the sister's boss. It is a similar business to the one I work for). The same night, the girl calls me. I tell her I am busy again. The following week, the sister calls me to ask me how I am doing. I act like everything is fine.

 

The next week, I call the sister from my work on tuesday but she doesn't answer so I don't leave a message. The sister calls on wednesday, but I was busy. I call back later in the day and we have a little chit chat about how is everything and all. At the end of the conversation, I ask how is the girl (my ex) and I say that she should call me or I will call her. The sister says that I think she would like talking to you. The next day, thursday, the girl calls at 10:15 at night. She asks me how are things at work and school. I say they are good and I ask her. She says they are good too. She tells me about how when she is at work, she thinks that I would be ashamed that she has gone to a lower paying job. She tells me how money has been tight for her. I acted very supportive and strong, but I did not show I miss her or bring up the past. We have a nice conversation and I realize as it progresses that she is more comfortable talking to me. She also tells me she has wanted to talk with me for a while. I finish off the conversation by saying that I enjoyed talking with her and she says the same. I tell her that I will talk to you later. I never begged for her to come back or got heavy with her after we broke up. The only pushy thing I did was make the following phone calls over the second month we were broken up.

 

That Sunday, I call and her sister says she is not home, I tell her to tell her sister that I called. I call about a week later on Tuesday and the sister says she is out, so I say tell her I called. I call again the coming Saturday and the sister says she is asleep because she just came home from work. The next day on Sunday, I tell the sister that I called the day before to tell the girl to drop off my jacket at my house and she says she will deliver the message. I haven't called since which was a week before Thanksgiving. Every 2-3 weeks me and her sister still would talk over the phone. We were friends before my ex lived out in Los Angeles. The sister moved back east at Christmas time, so the girl is out here all alone living in student housing.

 

Now, I have had this girl's voicemail code for about 1.5 months even though she doesn't know I have her cell phone number or passcode. This guy leaves her long messages every day or every other day saying "My love" and "I love you, I love you, I love you...", excessively. He leaves messages in the middle of the day to tell her that he doesn't feel like going out with his friends and how he wants to sleep. He has even left a bunch of messages saying I couldn't stop thinking about you; I wanted to hold back from calling, but I couldn't. He let her borrow his car while he was out of town. These are the neediest things I have ever seen from a guy. Now how is it that when I do this for a week, she leaves me, but this guy does it and she stays with him. He is very cool and calm because he is always on drugs. This guy left her a message once while he was high saying how he just got high and was looking at a picture of her and missing her. Did the distance that she placed between him and her draw her to him and because I became the only she was around make her bored of me. It has been about four months that me and the girl have be broken up. I have dated others and gotten somewhat detached from her, but I do still like her. Where does this situation look to be heading? Will she stay with this guy? If she comes in my direction, how should I be a challenge so that she will want to be with me? How is it that this girl went from being obsessed with me to being not interested anymore. I know attraction dies over time, but this girl would do anything to spend time with me before. A month before we broke up, she sat and completed a 2-3 day project at work in one afternoon, just so that we could go to Magic Mountain that weekend. And, no, I never gave up my friends and made her the center of my life. But, I did have a lot of insecure feelings because my father had Acute Leukemia (but he is over it now), such as that last neediness and wanting some approval. Since I have stopped giving her attention for the past 2.5 months, shouldn't that give some urge for her to want to contact me or some interest, even remotely low?

[dyermaker]

Start being yourself and stop trying to change your behavior to what you think women want. Do you really want a relationship based on your 'seduction' techniques, if you know you'll have to continue to play for a long time?

[Darkangelism]

She probably doesnt love you anymore, you need to move on and find someone else.

[LALuck]

I didn't have any seduction techniques involved. The only thing I said was that I played the challenge. That is basically the same thing as giving less to the relationship in a troubled time. It is the same thing as giving space. I actually was very natural with this girl. Nothing like playing games and such.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by LALuck

I didn't have any seduction techniques involved. The only thing I said was that I played the challenge. That is basically the same thing as giving less to the relationship in a troubled time. It is the same thing as giving space. I actually was very natural with this girl. Nothing like playing games and such.

 

I was basically referring to the blatant game you were playing--in your desperation to avoid being needy, you mistreated her. It's not the same things as giving space, because you're doing it with the intent of raising her "interest level"

 

This girl is a human being, not a computer program. You can't debug her, wondering--"hey, what went wrong, I did everything Savage Love told me to, and she left me for someone who doesn't fit the profile of playing the challenge!?" Some people are different. All I was saying is that it will be easier to get in a healthy relationship if you find a girl who likes you for what you're doing, not who likes the game you're playing.

[LALuck]

I really didn't do the no contact for the first month to raise interest level. I did it to cool myself off and to cool her off. I was really trying to give space. And, I am not asking why she is not coming around. What I am asking is how to act around her if she wants to come around