She's Married , I'm Divorced - We discovered our Love .. Too Late ??

[Chicane]

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Hi - Well I never thought I'd be the other Man , but here I am .

 

History : I am 37 years old now - I was married for 10 years to a woman 12 years my senior . It was a challenging relationship from the get go and did my best to make it work , but sometimes a relationship is doomed . So as of Feb 2002 I separated from my Wife and to date am still single ( 2 Years ) .

 

Where does this story start ? During my start of my marriage breakup on Jan 2002 - I met a girl that was serving sandwiches at a coffee shop I frequent . She really caught my eye , she was beautiful . I was still in the throws of my marriage breakup which had really started to fall apart in June 2001 , so my heart was already lonely for someone who cared . Anyways I felt still too connected to my married life at that point to entertain dating someone just yet . So I just kept going for coffee everyday and getting to know this woman better . She was 13 years my junior by the way . When I finally separated from my wife ( a mutual separation - we both know it wasn't working ) in Feb 2002 - I started talking to this woman on a more personal basis , giving her insight to my life though in very general terms , however I didn't show my interest to her yet . I fell in Love with her within 1 month . Then spent the next 4 months still getting to know her better but scared to make my feelings known .

 

Then she met a guy - started dating him but after 1 month they moved in together . I was not aware of this at that time , so I kept talking to her and falling deeper in Love with this wonderful woman who set my heart on fire . I was around Aug 2002 when I find out and met her boyfriend . A nice guy , a little bit of a redneck but a nice guy . So my heart was dashed , but I was determined to get to know this woman better regardless . We put together a Volleyball team with that coffee shop and I joined as well , so I ended up spending more time around her but also her boyfriend as well , but the socialising was a few weeks apart usually . So after knowing this woman for almost 8 months now , she decided to marry this guy she knew for only 6 months at this point . My heart was devastated . So I pulled away to avoid the pain , I guess part of me had hoped that the relationship wouldn't last , but I didn't expect them to get married so quickly . I still played Volleyball with them but chose not to socialise beyond that . I went to their wedding reception but not the actual wedding . All I could think of was when the preacher said about does anyone find reason for this marriage not to be done , I would have screamed out that I was in Love with her and it wasn't right . But I didn't .

 

So 4 months after they have been married , I get a call from them to come out for a social visit , this is around Jan 2003 . So I visit and get along fine , but my heart is still lost within her . She decided she needed a buddy to E-mail to and opted for my E-mail as we discovered during the course of getting to know each other that we had many mutual interests but she didn't have many friends if any . So she felt I could be a good friend . So we started to chat allot on the E-Mail and our conversations were typically personal about her past , and day to day things . I started to have a hard time fighting my feelings for her .

 

In Feb 2003 once afternoon , she sent me an E-mail stating this " Don't you wish sometimes life could be different , with different choices ?? " . Well what to do with that ?? I replied " Yes - I wish I had asked you out before you met your husband , I wish I had told you that I was in Love with you " . She replied that she felt the same towards me , she was confused as well . So we chatted more about how I felt and why I felt and she expressed that she wanted to get to know me better . This is where I guess I crossed the line . Her husband worked nights and was at that time okay with Her & I socialising as we did allot of the same things . So he would drop her off at my place on the way to work . Her & I would sit & talk , and after 3 weeks of this and playing around the fact we liked each other . We Kissed . Over the course of that month we made Love a few times , and talked about what it would be like to be together . But she was both unhappy in her marriage , but scared about what he'd be like if she left him . Her husband is a local boy in the town we live in , and is very well connected . There was almost no where we could go where he wouldn't know somebody and sightings of Her & I together would reach his ears . So after a month of seeing each other beyond friendship , I was hopelessly in Love with her and held hopes she would leave him for me . In my mind I met her before him but just plain didn't have the courage to ask her out before he did . SO in my heart I felt justified in pursuing her even though that is a flawed logic .

 

However her & I were E-mailing our love notes to each other in late Mar 2003 when she got surprised by her husband and he saw one of my more innocent E-Mails that really had nothing in it except that I Loved her . He flipped and replied back to leave them alone . She called me that same night , we cried together for an hour , I was devastated emotionally as was she . She did not want him to know that we had slept together as he said very clearly he would kick her out if that had happened , which she didn't tell him the truth . I told her I'd respect that wish and would hope that things might work out for us in the future . A Big Part of me hoped she would tell him the truth , but I didn't want to be the one to tell him as I didn't want to get her that way . This basically was the end of her & I in my mind .

 

I spent the next 3 month reeling with the emotional fallout of that , feeling worse than when my marriage fell apart only because I saw that coming well ahead , but I didn't expect Her & I to be split apart so soon . So I went thru the next 8 months trying to get on with my life , she was never far from my mind though . But I had finally reached a level of acceptance that I would move on without her . We had no contact from Mar 2003 .... until Late Nov 2003 .

 

Now Nov 2003 - She called me and said that she wanted to see me . So we got together , I was apprehensive but too in Love not to see her again . We cried allot , but then she confessed that she could not get me out of her mind since we got discovered 8 months ago , she loved me . I was both elated and scared , the situation seemed to be both good & bad . Do I open my heart up again and allow myself to feel for her , or do I back off and leave things well enough alone . I chose to pursue her . Over the course of December & January - we met often , made love often . I know what I was doing was wrong , but again I felt justified because I had met her 1st and missed the chance to be with her , I was not going to stop seeing her .

 

It's now Late Feb 2004 - we have fallen so deeply in Love with each other . We have discussed her leaving her husband , but I have not pressured her to do it , I have told her to take her time and make sure she is doing it for the right reasons . She wants to leave but is scared still of his far reaching friends and how to untwine what life they do have , it seems very hard to figure out just how messy a split can be . So her & I want to be together but she isn't ready just yet to leave him , but I'm not pushing too hard for that , I don't want to scare her away .

 

Now I know what many of you are thinking . But think of this , I have been married , I myself understand how hard it is to make that split even when there are virtually no redeeming factors left in a marriage . I also spent 10 years trying to make it all work , I've seen what is involved . It's never easy as there are always emotions and my marriage was not a hostile split , we still cared for what happened to each other . In my mind she was a little too quick in getting married , I dated my Ex for 3 years before we married , She did it in 6 months . Regardless in my mind she had settled to marry him because she was alone with no family , so at that time it seemed a logical choice for her from a survival standpoint , and at that point of her decision making she had no idea I cared for her . If she allowed herself to fall for me so soon after their marriage , I have a hard time feeling bad for the husband when it seems she did marry him for the wrong reasons .

I had no desire to cause anyone's marriage harm , but do you just let a bad marriage keep you from proclaiming to this woman that she is your soulmate . For that is what she is to me and she has said the same of me .

 

Not a day goes by that we don't tell each other we Love each other . Not a day goes by that I don't wish she would leave him , not a day goes by that I wish that I had said something to her before her life bacame so complicated . I know that there are the factors of the sexual excitement of a trist/affair , and that many feel that dissipates quickly when that relationship comes to realization . But I don't feel that is the case here . Her & I may be 13 years apart on age , but she is old enough (24) to know she's an adult , and that I have more than once told her to end her marriage as it's not going to get any easier the longer we continue seeing each other . She is not doing him any favors by waiting , there will never be a good time for something like that .

 

I'm not looking for answers here , I guess I just needed to talk to people that are perhaps going thru the same thing to help me get thru it . The days are hard without her in my day to day life , she says she wants to make the leap into my life , but doesn't know yet how to do that .

 

To all you married people who are sure to comment or people that have been cheated on , I 'm sorry for how this sounds . But the short of it is , Do you stay in a bad marriage or do you go with who your heart can really be happy with . There are no kids involved , no major investments , but do you keep at it to the point where those anchors suddenly become a factor , or do you go with where you are going to be happy while things are still relatively uncomplicated beyond the emotional side of it .

 

I never wanted to be the other guy , I've done my time in a bad marriage , I only see a good life with this woman . She is not happy with him , so why should I feel guilty about 2 people finding happiness instead of 3 people being where they won't want to be down the road . I may seem mike a bad person , but Love will prevail .... I Hope .

[Darkangelism]

Well, you are in a tough situation cause she may never leave, then you are just the OM dorever, which is no good, either give her a set amount of time to leave or go find someone else.

[dyermaker]

This is not a choice that anyone on a forum can make for you. Some will tell you to follow your heart, others will condemn you for being heartless.

 

Don't think that you can avoid pain. If you choose to ignore your feelings, you'll always wonder what things might have been like. If you choose to pursue an affair, she'll experience pain, as will you. Even if she leaves her husband for you, you can't escape pain by creating a diversion. Lives will change, and it's not as black and white as 'good change' / 'bad change'--things just change, there will always be pain.

 

Despite the assertion of some that I'm an old-fuddy-duddy who frowns on extramarital affairs (shame on me!), I do believe that your situation is complex, as do I believe people can become unhappy enough to leave a marriage. From an objective point of view, it's impossible to continue a healthy marriage with someone if your heart is with someone else. You've chosen to harbor the married heart, and no one has any right to condemn you for it. Situations are never perfect, your situation is just less perfect than most.

 

Also, some may disagree, but your feelings are a choice--at least how you deal with them. Don't think that there's no one else out there for you, it's your choice to continue this relationship at the possible expense of her and her husband, and if the choice (and subsequent rammfications) are worth the risk to you, you'll find yourself taking it no matter what we say.

[Chicane]

Well that was quick - I appreciate the 1st couple of postings , they are kind to say the least . Yes I see your points and they are valid , I don't have the answers obviously . I agree I should provide a time frame to work with , that does seem fair to her and myself . I have always followed my heart in life , logic rarely applies to matters of the heart . And as I said , I never wanted to be the other man . But my heart tells me that this is worth all the definite grief that will come into our lives together the 1st half year . My life is in this town as far as work and my home , so whatever choice is made , we will have to make our stand in the husbands turf .

 

I do hope there will not be any physical confrontations , but if it comes to that then I will deal with it , usually thru talking but that doesn't always work I'm sure . My heart says follow this thru despite the pain that will result whether it be from losing her , or the strife we will experience as a couple if she chooses to stay with me . I do Love this woman , I can only see her in my eyes . It just seems right to me

[SoleMate]

I believe you are infatuated, not truly in love. Your love has not been tested with her. It's just been an affair. There's every chance that if she did leave her husband, you and she would fizzle and flame out because the excitement wouldn't be there anymore.

 

Does either of you know your own mind? Your track records have not been good. You have both entered into relationships that weren't wise, and became unhappy as a result. And do keep in mind that she has every reason not to build a real relationship with her husband if she can get easier gratification elsewhere.

 

I am truly sympathetic with you. You have been starved of the love you craved for quite a while, and then fate played a seeming trick with the way this lady was "snatched" from under your eyes. I hope your dream can come true, of love with this MW, but I am afraid that something else will break down for you two.

 

I will say this...if I were sure that you and she would be happy together for an extended period, I would approve of her divorcing and marrying you. I just don't think it would work. (If it did, could you still live in the same town?)

 

I feel for you...I do hope you can find lasting happiness somewhere.

[befuddled11]

Hello,

 

I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to p*ss on your parade, but I don't think what you two have is really "love." You say you fell in love with her, just from your many visits to the coffee shop she worked in. Real love can only happen when you spend lots of quality time together.....and you are faced with all kinds of usual "couple" issues. I think what you felt for her, was infatuation.....and a strong inner need to "feel" that you loved someone, as you were just out of an unhappy marriage. You were vulnerable.

 

To really love someone, you have to be together through the ups and downs (and by that, I don't mean the ups and downs of having an affair and hoping not to get caught and the stress of not being able to see one another when you want to). It's about seeing each other, warts and all.

 

I think you likely have a very idealized view of this girl. But what would she be like to have a really normal relationship with? She might be hell on wheels. She might drive you nuts. She might be completely different than you. Of course you feel lots of love and desire to be together forever now.....but you're not together in reality, really. I think you're living a lot, in the heat of the moment, stolen moments, and somewhat in a fantasy of what your life together "would/could" be like...but not at all what it very well may be like.

 

I can see why you ending your marriage (mutually) was difficult and not something you did quickly....because you and your ex had a history together, and a lot of different ties to break. But this gal has only been with this dude a short time. If she really wanted to be with you, couldn't she suggest that she divorce him and you two move away together, so that she's not remaining in this small town where she'll have to run into him and his "connections"?

 

Perhaps she didn't even give her marriage a fair shot at all.....because you were always there, from before she married, and during their courtship, and their marriage. While her husband was busting his hump, no doubt, she was out with you. He was obviously very trusting of you both, for he actually dropped her off at your place, on his way to work (which is a bit weird but anyway).

 

Even if she did leave him, there's no guarantees whatsoever that you 2 will have a lasting relationship. There's the fantasy you both have now, and then there's reality..which could be completely different.

 

She owes it to her husband to either give it her all to make it work (marriage takes work and commitment) or she owes it to him to end it and let him move on with his life so he can find someone who will be true to him.

 

You sound like a really nice guy, just from the way you've explained this all.....but you could be setting yourself up for a world of hurt. In addition, you could potentially be putting your reputation and safety at risk, if her husband decides to take you out behind the woodshed, for "loving" his wife...or if he somehow finds out you 2 have slept together.

 

Could you even really trust someone like her? If she could be basically screwing around on her husband, as a very new wife, for a good portion of her marriage thus far, what makes you think you'd be immune from her wandering ways if she got together with you??

[Chicane]

Both of the last comments are very valid . Yes I have considered where my head is at - I've know who I am mind wise as I've spent a good portion of my adult life single , so I spent alot of time getting to know myself quite well . As far as my MW - I have to assume she has her head straight , she is very conflicted no doubt , but her eyes tell me she speaks the truth and not making things seem rosier than they really are . All I know is how her & I feel together just doesn't seem wrong . We talk most of the time versus Sex everytime we see eachother .

 

Yes I have considered the fact if she is willing to cheat on her husband with me , then what is to stop her from doing that to me as well . I guess it comes down to these facts as I understand them very well , I just feel that as I said , she married her husband out of basic survival as a young woman with no real family support and working a not so great job . It was a better than being alone type of situation as she had nothing better on her horizon .

 

But with me , we have so much in common , despite the age difference , we like the same music , art , movies , the list goes on . I'd have to say I feel I can offer her what her 1st choice didn't . Love - real Altruistic Love . We had our break for 8 months there , and she could not get me out of her mind as I for her . Seems we had the break that would have dissipated any feelings that weren't true to the heart .

 

As far as living in the same town . No Choice . It's not that small of a town , 60,000 + people . But small enough that he would hear things about us eventually . I Work & live in this town , just invested in a house 2 months ago . So really I don't have a choice but to make the stand here . But I live outside of town and in all likelihood , running into eachother would be a rarity as I only saw them once during that 8 month split we experienced . I will discuss these thoughts from your comments as they are valid , and I can talk to her about these things as I don't want to mess up 2 lives if there is no real chance of her making it work with me . I have no wish to destroy , only to create a happiness for her .