Intimacy after Husband's Affair

[Malia808]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new here. I have been lurking for quite awhile and trying grab some words of wisdom. I can't seem to really find one with a situation that I am in.

 

My H had an affair for about a year before I discovered. After two years of of sitting on the fence and in limbo, he made the decision to stay in our marriage, especially because of our children. He fell in love with this woman and this woman was trying everything in her power to stay in contact with him because of his feelings for her. These are her words to me.."I have my husband physically but he is with her emotionally." Anyway, that was one issue during that time.

 

It has been almost a year since their final breakup. He has since been very good to me except being intimate. He shows affection in other ways but when I want to be sexually intimate, he rejects me...but in a subtle sort of way...by instead holding me, or my kissing me on my cheek and smiling. When I ask him about it, he says, he is still having a hard time but it doesn't mean he loves me any less. If we are intimate it is once every two weeks, and it is bcuz I initiate it..never him. But we never go through the full intimacy if you know what I mean.

 

I understand but I am having a hard time trying to deal with it.

[hunnybea]

I'm new here too...but it sounds to me like he's still cheating...

 

My husband turned me away like that when he was cheating and thought he was in love...

[Malia808]

I placed my foot down and demanded if he was still in the affair, and he says no. He is not distant like he was before. He hasn't been out with the guys since the breakup. We had a long discussion on this. He says he is just having a hard time getting those feelings back for me.

[Jilly Bean]

He says he is just having a hard time getting those feelings back for me.

 

It's been a year, and he isn't interested in sex with you. What does that tell you?

 

Though, he did tell you he was staying in the marriage ONLY for the kids. I guess this means your husband is now like a roommate, since he has no sexual feelings towards you, and has no interest in sex. You will co-parent, and have no passion or intimacy.

 

If that's cool with you, then good luck. But if it's not, then I have to wonder why you're keeping him around.

 

He will go only so long without sex before he finds it elsewhere, if he hasn't already.

[2sunny]

seems as though the OW may have been right. at least HE'S allowing it to be that way for now.

 

do you have a boundary surrounding this situation? have you told him that you need more or will consider ending the M? have you two done extensive counseling?

 

it seems he hasn't addressed the reasons why he searched the woman out to begin with - until he can understand why - and is willing to fix what was missing for HIM - then it may just stay this way... is that enough for you?

 

does he communicate to you what it was that he got from the affair that was missing in the M?

 

seems he has work to do - and needs to understand if he's willing to participate in the recovery of the M itself.

[jnj express]

Why are YOU intimate AT ALL with him----He has disrespected his vows, and YOU at the highest possible level, and all you wanna do is jump back in the sack with him

 

You must not thing a hell of a lot of yourself, to let a man do another woman for who knows how long, and you go groveling back in there for the sloppy seconds---I would think you would have a better opinion of your self worth---than to take a back seat to a cheater and his lover.

 

So it has been a year----where is the accountability for the infidelity

[2sunny]

seems HE has a lot of unresolved issues if he's unable/unwilling to get aroused enough to be intimate sexually.

 

could be a control thing... he's not willing to give himself completely because his heart still belongs with someone else = feels like he's betraying his OW... it happens...

 

that's why he needs to talk it through with a therapist to be sure of what he actually wants.

 

are you absolutely sure he wants to be in the marriage? you typed "especially because of our children" in your original post.

 

how is THAT fair to you? for me? THAT would never be enough to stay with a husband. that statement alone totally disrespects and disregards you. why is that enough for you to stay with HIM? that essentially tells you that he admits he doesn't love you - but doesn't want to be without his kids. people get divorced all the time - and they still get to be with their kids a TON.

 

to have a man stay when he says it's for the kids - not for the wife OR the marriage is just totally demeaning. why are you going along with this. HE'S blatantly clear that YOU are his OPTION, not HIS priority.

 

that would never be enough for me... why is it enough for you?

[spriggig]

I placed my foot down and demanded if he was still in the affair, and he says no. He is not distant like he was before. He hasn't been out with the guys since the breakup. We had a long discussion on this. He says he is just having a hard time getting those feelings back for me.

 

During this long talk did you cover the possibility that he is having an Emotional Affair with the original Other Woman or perhaps a new one? Maybe he is in contact with an old ex online and doesn't consider that to be a "real" affair since there is no sex. A possibility?

 

You say he isn't distant so I'm guessing he's NOT having any kind of affair. I think it's likely there are unresolved issues--the same issues that he used as rationalization for having an affair in the first place.

 

Cheaters are cowards, it's true. They cheat in part because they don't want to confront uncomfortable issues in their marriage. He doesn't want to confront you with his real issues.

 

He probably is confused about why he doesn't find you sexually attractive. It could be a combination of things, his age (mid-life crisis?), lingering feelings for the OW, lack of confidence, poor body image, etc. Maybe he needs some lessons in being a man. I'm not saying that maliciously, it's a common problem these days. Many men today were raised by feminist parents who, frankly, screwed them up. Take a look at this and see if you want to pass it along to him: http://malexperience.com/

 

It's also possible you are lacking in confidence or perhaps even seem needy to him, and he finds that unattractive. You say you initiate sex about twice a week, so this seems less likely.

[Malia808]

i get it. i'll jus go get my booze and crawl back into my hole.

[Distant78]

Hi everyone,

I am new here. I have been lurking for quite awhile and trying grab some words of wisdom. I can't seem to really find one with a situation that I am in.My H had an affair for about a year before I discovered. After two years of of sitting on the fence and in limbo, he made the decision to stay in our marriage, especially because of our children. He fell in love with this woman and this woman was trying everything in her power to stay in contact with him because of his feelings for her. These are her words to me.."I have my husband physically but he is with her emotionally." Anyway, that was one issue during that time.

 

Please, the fact that he cheated on you, especially for a long time, two years in limbo, then decides to stay only because of the children is a deal-breaker for me, and should be motivation for you to leave this marriage, especially when you have the predator OW making matters worse by trying to terminate your marriage.

 

It has been almost a year since their final breakup. He has since been very good to me except being intimate. He shows affection in other ways but when I want to be sexually intimate, he rejects me...but in a subtle sort of way...by instead holding me, or my kissing me on my cheek and smiling. When I ask him about it, he says, he is still having a hard time but it doesn't mean he loves me any less. If we are intimate it is once every two weeks, and it is bcuz I initiate it..never him. But we never go through the full intimacy if you know what I mean.

 

I understand but I am having a hard time trying to deal with it.

 

Why even continue to try to initiate sex, especially since he doesn't even want to have sex with you. It has been a year (supposedly) and he still has a hard time...probably because he's still hanging on to the OW or the feelings they had for each other. This guy has continually disrespected you and is still possibly cheating on you with the original OW or a new one, or just being a plain *******. If you want to try to fix your marriage you should stop initiating sex, do things to make yourself feel better, and stop worrying about him. Like another poster stated, he probably doesn't want sex or anything to do with you because you may be acting needy. If that is the case then it should stop. Are you guys in counseling? If not, go to some counseling and if he doesn't come around, you'll know what you need to do. He should be on his knees kissing your feet after what he did and continues to do to you.

Edited August 19, 2010 by Distant78

[2sunny]

i get it. i'll jus go get my booze and crawl back into my hole.

 

the booze may be the part that turns him off... have you ever had extended time with him and not had a drink? has he ever told you he doesn't like you drinking?

[jenifer1972]

i would believe him when he said he is staying for the children, because he certainly isn't making much effort with you, and the cheater should be the one bending over backwards to make amends. Not seeing that here. I am seeing basically minimal interest in connection with you.

[jennie-jennie]

It sounds to me like the OW was right. You still only have your husband physically, not emotionally. I don't think there is much you can do about that. Your husband has moved on emotionally, it is just his body staying there for the kids.

 

Sorry, Malia, but I think you would do better in moving on too.

[WalkInThePark]

His attitude does not necessarily mean that the affair is going on but it means that he is not very attracted to you.

My xMM has struggled with the same thing. Our physical relationship has stopped because otherwise he could not find the attraction back for his. I think this is kind of artificial because in my view, you either find someone attractive or you don't.

 

I think it won't help to insist to have sex. The only thing you can do is to try to feel attractive and sexy for yourself and see how he reacts to that.

[Spark1111]

I placed my foot down and demanded if he was still in the affair, and he says no. He is not distant like he was before. He hasn't been out with the guys since the breakup. We had a long discussion on this. He says he is just having a hard time getting those feelings back for me.

 

Malia, how painful for you to be in this position!

 

My advice?

 

Stop acting like the default choice! Some men simply want what they cannot have and I think his evidence of flip-flopping between her and you is a perfect example of this.

 

Grow a backbone. He may not be in contact with her but she lives in his head and his bed full-time, so what really is the difference?

 

Wherever he is, Whomever he is with, he believes the grass is greener whereever he is NOT. He may be home but he hasn't learned a thing about himself or which relationship he really wants.

 

Tell him you DESERVE a loving, passionate full-time partner and if it is not him, you will need to find someone who can fill that role.

 

Then get busy...with yourself, your life, your children. Stop initiating. Give him a deadline to either fix himself or the situation or leave.

 

Get a social life and start to meet old friends and new.

 

When he sees how determined you are to create a full life for yourself, he can either step up to the plate or run to back to her. Let him....and tell him not to let the door hit him on the azz......

 

You are trying to hard here and he is still taking advantage of your love for him to be at home but pine for her.....

 

C'mon. You are worth more than that scenario.

[hunnybea]

I completely agree with Spark...

 

Be strong...you CAN live without him...don't settle for second best.

[Distant78]

Get a social life and start to meet old friends and new.

 

Sorry, but I have to comment on this. I just hope you meant by her finding old and new relationships that are strictly PLATONIC. Finding other men will only lead to more disaster.

[Spark1111]

Sorry, but I have to comment on this. I just hope you meant by her finding old and new relationships that are strictly PLATONIC. Finding other men will only lead to more disaster.

 

Of course!

 

But she took him back with no consequences, so now he pines away for what he does not have.

 

And distant, whether you choose to stay or go in a relationship, the more confident one is in themselves and their choices, the more the SO begins to pine for them; it renews interest.

 

Did this not happen to you D78?

 

I believe it did.

[Distant78]

Of course!

 

But she took him back with no consequences, so now he pines away for what he does not have.

 

But looking for someone else will only make the flame hotter.

 

And distant, whether you choose to stay or go in a relationship, the more confident one is in themselves and their choices, the more the SO begins to pine for them; it renews interest.

 

Did this not happen to you D78?

 

I believe it did.

 

Of course it happened to me. As soon as I stopped being "soft," I put my foot down and said no, began working out, and divorced her. The results were almost instantaneous: she was blowing up my cell, and knocking on my door saying that I was heartless because I decided to no longer put up with her BS.

 

But it didn't involve turning to a woman with voluptuous curves, thighs, and asscheeks to make her feel my pain. I know if I did while still married it would not only make her jealous. It would cause more hurt for her, the OW, and ultimately, myself.

[Spark1111]

But looking for someone else will only make the flame hotter.

 

 

 

Of course it happened to me. As soon as I stopped being "soft," I put my foot down and said no, began working out, and divorced her. The results were almost instantaneous: she was blowing up my cell, and knocking on my door saying that I was heartless because I decided to no longer put up with her BS.

 

But it didn't involve turning to a woman with voluptuous curves, thighs, and asscheeks to make her feel my pain. I know if I did while still married it would not only make her jealous. It would cause more hurt for her, the OW, and ultimately, myself.

 

I agree. And I did the same, told him to go get her and got busy with me.

Guess what? It fizzled within two months, a total disaster.

 

Only we did not divorce. We are today very successfuly reconciled. It was a momumental task, and HE did most of the heavy lifting to win me back.

 

I could never be anyone's default choice, not for money, legacy, the kids, our history, nothing.

 

I could not/did not want a man who did not passionately want me and only me.

 

I deserve this. And I hoped it would be him because I did love him.

 

But if it wasn't, I was really okay with that too.

 

OP, you too deserve this. Believe in it. Demand it.

[Malia808]

I am trying. I did ask for words of wisdom but in the same token, I needed words of comfort.

 

I show the world that I am strong on the outside but deep down, I am really hurting. I have already begun to fill out the divorce papers, and writing down the next step in moving forward.

 

No I don't drink.

[Spark1111]

I am trying. I did ask for words of wisdom but in the same token, I needed words of comfort.

 

I show the world that I am strong on the outside but deep down, I am really hurting. I have already begun to fill out the divorce papers, and writing down the next step in moving forward.

 

No I don't drink.

 

You have EVERY RIGHT to hurt.

 

I understand keeping a strong face for the kids but dying inside.

 

Do you have a support group you can talk to?

 

Can you afford IC (Individual counseling)? Marriage counseling?

 

And hell, I went to bed with a couple of bottles of wine back in the day. I would never pass judgement on that. It only numbs the pain for a while, but it would always come back.

 

At least, I got a decent night's sleep.

 

Your pain means that something is wrong; something is still making you unhappy. And all your efforts to restore your marriage will not succeed unless you H is making an equal or greater effort.

 

Do not ignore pain; or try to bury it.

 

It only goes away when we allow it to tell us what is wrong.

 

I needed a lot of counseling to help me through the trauma.

 

Malia, I wish you peace and support and I have empathy for you and your pain.

 

But one person's love and desire and forgiveness cannot create love and desire in another.

 

Do not settle, please.

 

You are the victim here.

 

You deserve better.

 

Maybe he will be able to give that to you someday. Maybe he won't. That is completely up to him.

 

But right now, although you love him, he is not making you happy or even trying to satisfy your needs.

 

So think, long and hard about....why are you staying and waiting for change from him?

 

I want you happy too!

[Distant78]

I am trying. I did ask for words of wisdom but in the same token, I needed words of comfort.

 

I show the world that I am strong on the outside but deep down, I am really hurting. I have already begun to fill out the divorce papers, and writing down the next step in moving forward.

 

No I don't drink.

 

At least you have tried as hard as you can. I'm sorry for the way things are for you, and I hope you get better. Once this is over with you will feel better.

[mzdolphin]

i would believe him when he said he is staying for the children, because he certainly isn't making much effort with you, and the cheater should be the one bending over backwards to make amends. Not seeing that here. I am seeing basically minimal interest in connection with you.

 

 

I've seen this from both sides. I was married and found out my husband was cheating. He did everything to prove he was committed to the marriage, counseling, even rehab (ala Tiger Woods). But he still cheated.

 

I was involved with a married man. He was an old friend who lied about being divorced (they lived in separate states for four years, so it was easy for him to pull this off). Anyway, I told his wife, who he claimed he was divorced from. Found out he was still very married. After a few months, he was calling me again.

 

A year went by, and he had moved back home, I supposed "going all out to save the marriage" but he was calling again. We had sex at least twice after that. He even begged me to travel with him (while he was on business). Anyway, it was fun for about a hot minute and then I regained my sanity and cut him off. I don't know if she knows, but he made it clear to me that I could have him "sleep with him" any time I wanted. He even said "I understand why you feel a need to cut ties, but if you ever change your mind. . ."

 

My point is, is I think cheaters just cheat. And I don't even think I'm the only one. And though you may think you are doing something great for the kids, the truth is, they may benefit, especially if you have daughters, for seeing you stand up for yourself. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, you will get lonely and even do some knuckle-headed stuff like I did. But as you grow and work on improving yourself, you will get stronger and sleep better. I'm happier than I've been in years and accomplishing things I never dreamed I'd do.

[kuma]

I have already begun to fill out the divorce papers, and writing down the next step in moving forward.

 

Malia, I'm proud of you. You're taking control of your life! Don't forget to take care of yourself. ((hugs))