jmargel Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Yep, had our first, about the wedding and i'm pissed to say the least. We were suppose to get married on Sept. 18th, and got home from work with her leaving me a message. Calling her back now she wants it on Aug. 22nd, which is fine, but she wants it on a sunday night at 7pm. I never heard of getting married that late. Telling her that its going to be hard for some of my family to come in, her reaction was that 'well all my family lives close, and its our day I dont see why I should have to change all these plans to suit a few people' Im thinking wtf? She then told me wants to get married at this banquet room, which is in this restaurant and only serve appitizers and not any meals or buffet. I told her that people are going to get offended, which her reply was that things are different nowadays, thats not always the norm. What upset me the most was her already threatening me, basically saying 'I just wont get married' if things aren't this way, its 'my day'. Like she has NO consideration what I think or feel, and that its 'her' day. What about 'us'? Then she told me her telling me about the threat of not marrying me doesnt mean she still wouldn't love me. When she said bye I didnt even say bye back & hung up the phone. I'm pissed. Its like she has no consideration of me in this. Before she hung up she said 'Oh you just want to influence me to want something you want'. Its just a damn buffet! Not to even mention some of my family can't even make it if its that late. Right now I don't even want to talk to her i'm this upset. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel Telling her that its going to be hard for some of my family to come in, her reaction was that 'well all my family lives close, and its our day I dont see why I should have to change all these plans to suit a few people' No she is just changing all the plans to NOT suit other people. There is a big difference. From what I have read you need to put your foot down. this is YOUR day too, not just hers and if you agreed on a date stick to it. Changing things just makes it less solid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted February 16, 2004 Author Share Posted February 16, 2004 All of a sudden she's taking this stance that its 'her' day. On the phone she mentioned 'My mom said anything I want I can have, and she'll be there no matter what time it is'. I never heard her be this selfish before. My ex-fiancee always used the threat of not marrying me, or giving back the ring when we get into an agrument, and I vowed I'd never live like that again. We just mentioned the date this past weekend, so not too many know. Its the whole point of her attitude. She told me to call for prices for the buffet, but the way she said it, is like why even bother? Either I'll get an arguement from her or she'll act like its ruining her whole wedding day. I told her she forgetting the real reason on marrying, its not the cermony its because you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Sadly it is the day some women will do anything for and not the actual marriage You need to seriously talk and bring her down to earth. I would make it known that YOU as her furture husband will be there for you for the rest of your life, and it is great that her mum is willing to be there forher, however there is a bigger picture here than just that one day. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Just out of curiosity, how old is she? Her "me me me" attitude sounds like that of someone who's rather young. You are totally right. Having a wedding should include some kind of meal...even if she wants to have it at 7pm. Especially if people are going to be drinking......if there's booze, there should be an ample meal, which will help to offset the booze that some might overconsume. However, in truth, a couple can do anything they want nowadays, that is true......but the key word there is "COUPLE"......it's not a one-way decision. Did she grow up spoiled? This thing about her Mom telling her that she can have anything she wants because it's "her day"......that's silly. Is her Mom really filling her head with this crap, do you think? If she seriously has no concern or respect for your input, and for YOUR relatives who will also be sharing this important day, then seriously, I would look at the big picture here and question whether she's really someone you want to commit your life to. If she's this selfish now....over one silly day, what could your married life be like? Will she expect her own way when it comes to everything else? Her behavior here could be a huge red flag you need to pay attention to. And you're right....the wedding is just that...but it's the marriage that matters most. Couples should be sitting down TOGETHER to toss around ideas and "wants"...versus one person suddenly changing the date and time and all that. The fact that she doesn't care that some of your family won't be able to make it at a later time, that doesn't say very much about her maturity or sense of fairness or compromise, or even common sense. Maybe you need to just take a break from the planning for now.......until you can both sit down and talk about how you as a COUPLE should be making decisions: together. Sorry you have to go through this. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Why not have the reception at the buffet and the marriage as previously planned? I don't mean to be rude, but I'd be pissed if I travelled to somewhere at seven at night and wasn't fed dinner. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 What upset me the most was her already threatening me, basically saying 'I just wont get married' if things aren't this way, its 'my day'. Like she has NO consideration what I think or feel, and that its 'her' day. What about 'us'? Then she told me her telling me about the threat of not marrying me doesnt mean she still wouldn't love me. This is classically selfish behavior on multiple levels. The obvious selfishness is compounded by leveraging the threat of no marriage to get what she wants. Is this a preview, once you're married, of additional selfish behavior over a house, kids, purchases, etc? And if she doesn't get what she wants, on her terms, will she withhold sex or threaten to leave you? The question that only you can answer is whether this is aberrant behavior having to do with wedding psychosis. Or are you marrying a selfish, manipulative woman. These are questions that must be answered before nuptials. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Try and find out how much her family is influencing her at the moment, particularly if she seems to be actng out of character as the fact that this is your first argument would suggest. There is something about weddings that makes family feel they are entitled to get a slice of the action - to have things done their way. It's impossible to satisfy everyone and the couple often feel caught up in the middle and end up fighting each other. She has said some very hurtful things and is behaving badly but do try and find out why rather than just responding in anger, justified though it may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 She just called, I just talked to her again. Before all of this she was SO understanding about everything. She would always do what I wanted to do, or always ask me. Very considerate of my feelings. That's what puzzled me. I guess since she was a little girl she's always looked forward to this day and wanted things the way she thought them up to be. When I talked to her tonight she started crying alot, which she's never done. She's very tough on her own emotions like crying in keeping them in so I know it was hurting her alot when I was questioning everything. I told her that just because I was questioning them, doesn't mean I didnt like the idea or it was wrong. I told her we just need to be somewhat considerate, so she basically asked me if I didn't want to change the time & date, that we could have the buffet. She thinks people aren't going to be hungry that late at night, and unfortunetly this place isn't available saturday nights. I mentioned about how I don't want the marriage to be a power struggle and she was right when she said its never been this way with us, just that she has her heart set with the wedding being a certain way. And I do want her to be happy, and the time & date isn't that important to me as it is her. I'd prefer to get married on a saturday, but I have to look at the bigger picture in all of this. I mentioned the whole threat thing and she apologized and towards the end of the call she asked if I still wanted to marry her. I told her that she means the world to me and that I do. Have any of you women gotten into arguments with your fiance and threatened to leave and/or give back the ring? I put up with that from my ex so many times it literally drove me into a depression. I mentioned that to Brandy (my fiancee) a long time ago, but I dont think she remembers and I don't really want to bring that up again. For a woman to use that as a bargaining tool is the worst thing you can do to a guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Me and my partner drew a line. We know what we will and won't accept from each other. Threats and ultimatums are not something we will accept. The threatening to leave is not on in our relationship, you need to make sure the lines are drawn fist Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Is it possible she'd be open to the suggestion that just because she's 'always' wanted it that way doesn't mean it has to be that way? Little girls aren't apt to think about the comfort or enjoyment of their guests; these sorts of decisions are made by grown-up women. She might want to rethink and plan a wedding she could enjoy just as much - and that others could enjoy, as well. How gratifying will it be to have everything 'her way' when it causes problems for her guests? Link to post Share on other sites
wiseOLDman Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 jmargel, are her parents paying for the wedding or are the two of you? If they're paying, it could be that she's under some influence about keeping costs low and the timing, location, services may be a factor. My wife's family and mine had a major speedbump in the planning for our wedding when her family submitted a list of 70 or so people . . . for the rehearsal dinner! It's time for you and your fiance to take a break away from everyone else and decide how this event is going to be handled. If she's totally uncompromising, then I'd be very concerned about her being a very controlling personality. She's showing that right now, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt because planning a wedding is very difficult on the bride. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Mmmmm.. Firstly, things are bound to come up and emerge which the two of you could not predict, or have known about the other in the time you've been together. How you weather the storms, communicate and compromise will indicate how successful your marriage will be. My partner and I were on cloud 9 at the start, and then realities, and little personality traits emerged, and other bigger things challenged us. But we stayed open and committed, and got there. My guy did threaten to leave a few times, but that was a reality check for me. I never have, and once we are engaged I cannot imagine threatening to call things off. That's not me really. So yes, give her the benefit of the doubt given all the wedding hype and expectations, but make sure you fully air your concerns, because they are justified. Sometimes people dont realise how selfish they are being until it's pointed out and do lose site of the bigger picture. I've been there, and was shocked when I realised I had actually not been being very considerate. Good luck working it out between you. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Welcome to your first battle of the wedding war. Take it from someone who's been married b4 and been in a few wedding parties this is the beginning. I personally think weddings are over rated. People spend thousands of dollars so they can have a better wedding then the last one everyone went to. It's over in a day all you have is memories, pictures and sometimes a marriage that starts off with debt. That money could wisely be used as a nice down payment for a house, and you could have a nice at home wedding with your imediate family and closest friends. When I got married we paid $17 a plate for 135 people. 21 didn't show and about 40 I didn't even know. I think most women including myself have fantasied since we were little girls that when we marry prince charming we are to feel like cinderella. If you are cinderella you are a princess and money means nothing therefore have the biggest and grandest wedding everyones ever seen, What a myth. I even know a couple of woman that will admit that they married very young not even sure that he was Mr. Right just so they could be cinderella for a day. Getting married on Sunday?? That's different. I think most people just like to enjoy there last chance to relax on a Sunday evening b4 having to go to work the next morning. Remember this is both your day. The main thing is what happens for the next 50 or 60 years of your life together not whether the guys wear cumber buns or vests, or whos family has more guests. (That will be the next battle) Sorry to put a damper on this things but I'm tring to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 She thinks people aren't going to be hungry that late at night, and unfortunetly this place isn't available saturday nights. As others have pointed out, people who travel to a 7 pm wedding will most definitely be expecting a meal. Brides do have a lot of freedom in planning their weddings, but the groom's opinions and the comfort of the guests are also essential! A Sunday 7 pm wedding is MOST unusual, but not necessarily bad. However, starving your guests violates a fundamental rule of hospitality. How about finding another location that IS available at a more convenient time and day? Even if you have to compromise on the location, it's better than a cranky, hungry crowd at your wedding. I'm so sorry that she said something about calling it all off. Some women do have these lifelong wedding fantasies which have a powerful hold on them, and can cause some uncharacteristic behavior. You say this is abnormal for her. So I wouldn't take it as a disaster, but more just wedding jitters. You both have some issues with your past, and somehow the details of a wedding - with all the weight of family and the stress of throwing a big expensive party which sometimes feels like a public statement about the quality of your love life and thus of yourself - can just overwhelm. How about you both calm down and get back to basics - i.e. you love each other and want to spend a future together? You too, jmargel - calm down. Please understand that some brides just go temporarily crazy. (Not me.) I am sure you will work this one out with patience and some good sharing of your true feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 We have members of our family who refused to feed us at their late-night weddings, and that's still brought up in clandestine conversations to this day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 We worked it out, and she was finding humor in it all. She apologized about the threat thing as well. I emphasized that she can't do that. Basically if she does that again, i'm gone. I vowed I would never live that way again, living in a sort of fear. I really wish it would be a Saturday night, i'm sure once she talks to her dad he's going to voice his opinion, and when he confronts her she backs down. Right now i'm not about to push the issue, especially when she said that she's afraid I'm going to want to some how influence her to change the date. She wanted me to basically stand aside and let her make all the plans. She then told me she thought it wasn't normal for a guy to want to be planning it so much. I'm thinking wtf? I can still see how her past still haunts her in some way. If she would be marrying her ex, he probably wouldnt have said a word until the day came, and started a fight with her. So maybe I can see why she thinks that way. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt too, she's moving in, in March. So if I see that kind of attitude while living together we won't get married. I love her to death and I know its a special day for her, but she just can't think only about herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted February 17, 2004 Author Share Posted February 17, 2004 She just emailed me today, and normally I wouldn't post this on a site, but I think she is sorry for what she's done. Good Morning Tiger, The puppies are so cute...You should get one!!! I am so sorry I overreacted about the reception. I guess you are right to offer an adequate amount of food at our wedding. I would like to talk to Sandy at Front Street Station maybe friday afternoon, just to go over everything they have to offer and to look at the facility again, if that is okay. You should have the wedding packet she sent by Thursday, and you can chose the food items. She said that there will be a $400 deposit needed to hold the day. I can put a deposit down on Friday to hold a day, but only if this is really what you want. I would like to talk to Sandy to see if there are other days available. I would not book anything without first talking to you about it, so I might have to call you at work that day. Just let me know what you think tonight, and I will call her today. Hope to see you tonight. I love you. Love forever, Brandy -- I don't know what to say about the date, I would really like it changed but I think its best for her to decide that since last night she was so upset about it. I want her to look forward to this.. Link to post Share on other sites
jester Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Excellent approach to a knotty situation, my man. You have a good head on those shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 17, 2004 Share Posted February 17, 2004 Yep, I agree, you are handling yourself well (with more control than I would probably muster lol!) Hope the plans all work out smoothly and suit you both in the end. Sounds like Brandy is trying to listen to your needs also, which is so important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmargel Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 I went to her place last night, before she got home from work & she left me a real touching note. Saying how she will respect my feelings more and not take me for granted and how forward she is to marrying me. She has come a long way, especially with what she's been through in her past. So i'll keep ya updated on how everything goes Thanks for listening to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight Magic Posted February 20, 2004 Share Posted February 20, 2004 Everything will work out for you both, I can feel it in your posts. She must be one of the luckiest women in the world. Everyone dreams to find someone as kind and compassionate as you are. And then there are some of us, that just don't find anyone like that, and have to continue living their life just getting over one day and on to the next. I think my b/f sees me as just being a friend, and someone to look after him because of his illness, he is very high maintenance. Just once I would like someone to take care of me for just once. You both are very lucky to have each other. It will work out in the end, for you both......... Link to post Share on other sites
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