What should I say?

[collegeguy_24]

I have something to ask. On the off chance my ex wants another chance at this relationship, I am worried about saying something that could ruin it. I don't want to hear about how I shouldn't give her another chance, I just want to hear about what I should say.

 

If she says she wants another chance, and I say yes, should I keep my feelings and thoughts bottled up until we get to therapy? Or should I tell her how I feel at that moment, tell her how she lost my trust, respect, and damaged my heart and she has to work to earn it back? I am thinking wait till we get to a therapy session first. But others thoughts would be appreciated.

 

Also, if she doesn't want to work on this relationship and wants to stay broken up, should I just say thats fine and walk out? Or should I use that opportunity to vent and say how I expected that since she always walks away from problems instead of working on them? as an example. I ask cause that could be the last time I see her for a while and its very tempting to vent before I leave.

[Thorgs]

second chances don't work.

 

 

unless you are completely over her and start from scratch. otherwise these bottled up feelings will take over your life. just going on what others have stated from reading stories.

[DustySaltus]

If your ex really wants to get back with you she would be the one doing most of the talking. Her words would tell you that she made a mistake and would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Nothing that you say or wouldn't say at that moment could change her mind, if that's what she really wanted.

 

You shouldn't be SCARED what her reaction would be in that situation. You are trying to make things different than they were the first time around.

 

What makes you think that she wants to work things out?

[Don Ho]

College, who dumped whom? I assume she dumped you. I hope you're doing NC and not talking to her. Therapy? WTF? Stop it with the "you hurt me" talk. It will make you sound like a big pussy to her and that lower her interest level in you even more!

 

1. IF she comes back and says she wants another chance, do not give a definitive "yes". I think "let's just hang out together and see how it goes" works better. If she dumped you, do not appear to eager and make her work for it.

 

2. DO NOT tell her how you feel at that moment .... or any time until maybe a month or so down the road assuming you reconcile. The idea is to keep it light and enjoy each others company.

 

3. If she says she want's to stay broken up, YES, you agree with her and DO NOT vent. Say something like "I agree. I think it's for the best. If you're heart's not in it, then it's not in it. I'll be fine. Take care". THAT'S ALL! No discussion, no begging, no crying, say nothing more.

Edited August 19, 2010 by Don Ho

[collegeguy_24]

She broke up with me, because she said she doesn't know what she wants any more. Last time we talked, she said she still cares about me, and she loved me at one point, now she is not sure if she still loves me or not. She said she will consider relationship counseling for our issues and she will contact me by September 1st cause she is with her family right now.

 

I am maintaining NC, and have been for exactly 1 week and 2 days. Also, I am attending therapy not because of her, but because I have jealousy and trust issues, I have had them for a long time so I am seeking therapy to make myself a better man.

 

I like how you worded your responses, I will seriously consider using that or something similar when the time comes.

[BiAxident]

I'm not sure what you should say. I certainly wouldn't unload all of your emotions on her in one shot, whether at therapy or not. If you are going to get back together, you'll need a foundation of friendship, of enjoying each others company to build on.

 

Having said that.. be careful! I started hanging out with XGF, who dumped me, and she said that she wanted to get back together, that dumping me was a giant mistake that she regretted, that we would do "whatever it takes" to make the relationship work. This was all over the course of the last month.

 

Now, she isn't sure what she wants, loves me but isnt in love with me, isn't sure if we should get married (after expressing that was what she wanted). Be careful with what you are getting into!

[Don Ho]

Good job College, hang in there. I actually WOULD NOT be available when your Ex gets back. Let her contact you and then WAIT a few days to get back to her. Remember, you are a MAN and you are busy. Do not make it appear that you are too eager to see her as it will get keep her interest low. Time to turn the tables bro.

 

College & BiAxident: I believe when a woman takes you back, her level of testing you will be even higher. She wants to make sure that you're a MAN, confident, not chasing her, not head over heels for her and so on. Women always test men (part of the mating ritual) but especially so when they comes back. So. DO NOT act like a pussy. ALWAYS keep in mind that she is TESTING you and you have to be careful in what you say and how you act. If you act like a weak pussy, jealous, controlling she will sense it right away, kick your a$$ down the road and you will be left wondering WTF happened.

 

I am currently playing a little cat and mouse with my Ex. She thinks I acted a little psycho one night a month or so ago and that I lied to her. I went NC for a month and she sent me a txt asking about something trivial last week. We have text back only a few times and I let her sit before responding. She agreed to meet for sushi, but said she can't do it till next week. I just said "Cool next week is better for me, I have lots to do". I know she is just WAITING to see if I start acting crazy by texting her all the time, hounding her, pressuring her to get together so she can confirm her suspicions and dump me again. Get it? They will be watching for a little slip up on your part and waiting for you to act like a weak little man. So if you get a second chance, do not act like a pussy! It's your chance to get your manhood back and act like an alpha male.

Edited August 19, 2010 by Don Ho

[edgeofdarkness]

never go back whats to stop them doing it again. you will always be afraid and not trust them. don't give them a second chance to break your heart and tread on it with their heel again.

[boosh]

Way too many people here just refuse to even consider a second chance with an ex.

 

It takes time. It's nowhere near an overnight thing, but it's absolutely possible.

 

To just squash it with no consideration ever because "it never works" is honestly a mark against you in my eyes.

[edgeofdarkness]

I know it never works. tried it three times, diff people, each time it cracked, and it wasnt for the want of trying, it sucks becos its just like an elephant inthe room. if it aint broke dont fix it, if it is broke no amount of glue will make it look good as new ever again. one person always moves on more than the other. effort isnt ever 100 percent from both sides, one is always more willing.

sure if u want take that chance, but if she isnt sure let me tell u your in for more pain and more of the same.

[collegeguy_24]

I have been putting a lot of thought into this, and I came to the conclusion I want to try for a second chance. I want her, and only her. I am willing to do anything to win back her heart. But if it doesn't work out then at least I gave it a shot. Right now though I am in a bit of a situation.

 

I said I would like an answer from her by September 1st, and she said she would contact me by then, and it kills me to wait. I want to know, should I continue to wait till September 1st for her to contact me, or should I contact her sooner and ask if she has an answer yet?

[edgeofdarkness]

if youve given her an ultimatum then give her time, dont ruin it by capitulating dude. Man show some balls, be strong and say what u mean, and mean what u say, really, its not hard, you just do it!!!!

[Don Ho]

I have been putting a lot of thought into this, and I came to the conclusion I want to try for a second chance. I want her, and only her. I am willing to do anything to win back her heart. I said I would like an answer from her by September 1st, and she said she would contact me by then, and it kills me to wait. I want to know, should I continue to wait till September 1st for her to contact me, or should I contact her sooner and ask if she has an answer yet?

 

Bro, bro, bro. What part of what I said did you NOT understand? I told you above that "I actually WOULD NOT be available when your Ex gets back. Let her contact you and then WAIT a few days to get back to her. Remember, you are a MAN and you are busy. Do not make it appear that you are too eager to see her as it will get keep her interest low. Time to turn the tables bro".

 

It does not matter that YOU want her back or YOU want a second chance!! It only matters how SHE feels about you! Your anxiety and desire to get her back are clouding your good judgment. If you want NO chance with her then go ahead with your ultimatum. You will find out she will kick you down the road faster than you can say "what happened?".

 

If you actually gave her an ultimatum, BACK OFF and do not bring it up again! DO NOT meet her Sept 1st. You will appear to eager and wanting an "answer". You WILL push her further away if you do it your way. Give her 3-4 days to settle when she gets back. Then around Sept 5th you can contact if she hasn't contact you. If she does contact, POSTPONE for several days and leave her alone. Your choice bro: a POSSIBLE shot with her if you follow my advice or PUSHING her further away and crushing any possibility getting her back. Bro, I've been dating and in relationships for 30 years!! Be smart.

[collegeguy_24]

Bro, bro, bro. What part of what I said did you NOT understand? I told you above that "I actually WOULD NOT be available when your Ex gets back. Let her contact you and then WAIT a few days to get back to her. Remember, you are a MAN and you are busy. Do not make it appear that you are too eager to see her as it will get keep her interest low. Time to turn the tables bro".

 

It does not matter that YOU want her back or YOU want a second chance!! It only matters how SHE feels about you! Your anxiety and desire to get her back are clouding your good judgment. If you want NO chance with her then go ahead with your ultimatum. You will find out she will kick you down the road faster than you can say "what happened?".

 

If you actually gave her an ultimatum, BACK OFF and do not bring it up again! DO NOT meet her Sept 1st. You will appear to eager and wanting an "answer". You WILL push her further away if you do it your way. Give her 3-4 days to settle when she gets back. Then around Sept 5th you can contact if she hasn't contact you. If she does contact, POSTPONE for several days and leave her alone. Your choice bro: a POSSIBLE shot with her if you follow my advice or PUSHING her further away and crushing any possibility getting her back. Bro, I've been dating and in relationships for 30 years!! Be smart.

 

She is already back in town, and just moved into her dorm. I am not sure if she brought her family with her or not, but the original plan was they were going to come here. I am willing to wait, but its killing me.

 

I want her back, I want her to say yes. But at the same time if she says no I want to call her a coward for always running away. I am just so conflicted right now as I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me at once.

[Don Ho]

She is already back in town, and just moved into her dorm. I am not sure if she brought her family with her or not, but the original plan was they were going to come here. I am willing to wait, but its killing me. I want her back, I want her to say yes. But at the same time if she says no I want to call her a coward for always running away. I am just so conflicted right now as I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me at once.

 

Bro. Reread my last post about 10 more times. If she is back, DO NOT contact. Of course it is killing you. But would you rather rush into her rejecting you or lay back and see if there is a possibility of her coming around and you guys reconciling? NO, you are not going to call her a coward or say anything about her always running away under any circumstance. Of course you have tons of feelings swirling around and it IS uncomfortable. But you have to tough it out my friend. Now follow my advice from my previous post and do not deviate. Let us know how it goes.

[collegeguy_24]

Ok, this is tough but I am following your advice Don Ho. I want her back more then anything as I do truly love her. I will not contact her Sep 1st, but I do have a question for ya.

 

Our collage semester begins on the 30th, and Sep 1st is on a Wednesday. Should I contact her that Friday or Saturday, which would be the 4th and 5th like you mentioned in your above post? Of course, this is all assuming she doesn't contact me beforehand, which is still possible.

 

Or should I just have no contact her with period, even if it lasts a month or so? Thing is, I can't move on till I speak with her, I've tried but I just can't. So your advice is really welcome on this.

 

I have another one for you as well. Her and I are still friends on Facebook, which is fine, and so far I have not changed my status message to anything depressing, even though my brother said I should post something like,

 

"Just learned that Nice guys finish last. It took 6 years of rejections and two failed relationships to realize that, perhaps the time for change has come."

 

 

I have not posted that, and I don't plan to. My question is, so far when I've changed my status, it is just a reflection on what I have been doing, such as going to a local festival today, or to the movies with family and friends. Is that a good thing I post that, as it shows I do have other activities going on in my life? I have received conflicting views on that, and I would like to know what you think.

 

Also, hope you don't mind me asking, but have you been in a situation like this before? where your GF dumped you and you wanted to reconcile? If so, may I ask for the details as it may help me understand what it is I am going through.

[Don Ho]

 

1. Ok, this is tough but I am following your advice Don Ho. I want her back more then anything. I can't move on till I speak with her, I've tried but I just can't.

 

2. Our college semester begins on the 30th, and Sep 1st is on a Wednesday. Should I contact her that Friday or Saturday, which would be the 4th and 5th or should I just have no contact her with period

 

3. We are still friends on Facebook, which is fine. "Just learned that Nice guys finish last. It took 6 years of rejections and two failed relationships to realize that, perhaps the time for change has come."

 

4. Is that a good thing I post that, as it shows I do have other activities going on in my life? I have received conflicting views on that, and I would like to know what you think.

 

5. Have you been in a situation like this before? where your GF dumped you and you wanted to reconcile?

 

1. Yes, it is tough bro. But if there is any possibility for reconciling, that’s what you have to do. You can move on without talking to her; for your peace of mind and if you want any chance with her. You have to emotionally and mentally detach or you won’t act the way you need to so she will be re-attracted to you.

 

IMO, you have to let go. This is hard for a lot of guys to do, but you have to reframe you thinking that she is “the only one”, the “only one you will ever love”, that she is “the love of my life” and so on. As long as you have that mindset, you have no chance reconciling. You’re giving them too much emotional power and that just won't work. It’s like putting a woman too high on a pedestal … you’re in trouble when you do that.

 

2. I don’t know why you would want to contact her on or before a weekend; it will seem to “date like” to her. You should wait until Sunday or Monday if you don’t hear from her. BTW if/when you meet with her it need to be Sun-Thurs only. Wait until the 6th and let’s see what happens.

 

3-4. NO!!!! You do not want to look like a total hurt pussy and want whatever might be left of her interest to drop further! You never post stuff like that. on your status. Now if you want to post some “fake stuff” on your wall that’s fine. Have your guy friends post on your wall ‘beers were cool Sat nite, xxxx bar was lots of fun’. Or if you have female friends that she doesn’t know, have them post on your wall “great seeing you last night at xxxxx, I had a great time ” or “hey thanks for sushi, that place is great’. Nothing over the top, just that you’re out having a life without her.

 

5. Oh yeah. Many times. I’m currently in that situation. That’s a little bit of a long story, but I’m doing all the stuff I suggested to you.

 

Hang in there bro. Let us know what’s happening.

Edited August 22, 2010 by Don Ho

[collegeguy_24]

Thanks for your advice Don. The reason I thought about the weekend to contact was because both her and I have a lot more leeway in our schedules so we could meet at anytime. Cause during the rest of the week both her and I are busy with school and work. I also have her timetable for school she sent it to me before she left me.

 

This is the hardest thing I had to ever do though, but I am not alone. A friend of mine was engaged, and his fiancé just left him yesterday. I am trying to get him to come out again and we can do a guys night as he is in the same boat as me.

 

How do I change my mindset though? I am convinced she is, or at least has the possibility of being the one. How do I change that so I can get her back.

 

Also, don't worry about face book. I never actually put that as my status, my brother just suggested it. My status is basically about the activities I have been doing since the break up, like hiking and so on.

[Don Ho]

1. Exactly my point. It's like you're trying to orchestrate it and trying to rush it and make it so you see her that weekend. It doesn't do you much good if you rush and it pushes her away. She may think "Oh God, he's trying to meet up with me on a weekend and we're broken up and he's gonna think it's a date" and perceive that as pressure. Remember "patience is a virtue" and "all good things to those that wait".

 

2. Yes, it is difficult. F'in hard to be exact. Even if you don't reconcile, you will learn a valuable lesson you will probably need with future gals you date: to keep your emotions under control. Women are attracted to men that are in control and that means men that control their emotions and impulses (like not calling and not texting). Not good about your friend, but yes, you guys definitely need help each other and get out.

 

3. What I'm saying is you need some time and distance to get less emotional so you can see things more clearly and not go into it in a high emotional state. That is what's good about NC. Bro, she's not the PERFECT girl. I'm sure you can think of some of her flaws. Concentrate on those so you're less emotional about her. If you can do that, you will appear and "feel" less desperate and needy to her and that will be better for YOU and your goal. Desperation / high interest / neediness / too much emotion from you = lowering interest on her part and therefore less possibility of re-attraction from her to you.

[collegeguy_24]

I am trying. But i have extreme emotions, its so hard to control. I have been meditating and it helps. But today while I thought I was keeping them under control, people were actually afraid of me as I was out cause I wasn't in control like I thought I was.

 

I will keep this thread updated, as I may be seeing her soon. Not because of contact, but because of upcoming events we are both going to. if her and see each other, how should I react? what should I do?

 

Also, if she initiates conversation, should I go with it and ask her decision then, or wait till a later time?

[Don Ho]

I am trying. But i have extreme emotions, its so hard to control. I may be seeing her soon. Not because of contact, but because of upcoming events we are both going to. if her and see each other, how should I react? what should I do?

 

That's my point. That's why you need DISTANCE from her and time to become less emotional. And stop idealizing her ... she is NOT the perfect woman nor the only woman for you. Upcoming events? Prior to Sept 6th? Bro, you will look for any excuse to see her won't you. Don't go to the same events. It's not like it's a family member's funeral. right? I'm sure you don't have to go. What to know what to do if you see her? Go read the first page of this thread 10 times: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/

[collegeguy_24]

I am actually made plans to hang with my friends at the event prior to breaking up. They just got back into town after being gone all summer so I plan to be with them. And I am helping some other friends out there as they are working it.

[collegeguy_24]

I read the post a dozen times, and I will be able to follow most of them. Except for the date new people one, its to soon for that, maybe after September 6th or something, maybe not till after I graduate

 

. I can appear happy, my friends are really helping by distracting me, and my family has been giving me last minute yard work duties, that all helps.

 

Being indifferent and happy is something I can most certainly do, I will also maintain NC until she either contacts me or till Sep 6th. I will live my life my way, not by anyones elses but my standards.

[Don Ho]

Good job bro. You're starting to sound like a confident man again. Now. The dating. Yes, you have to go on a couple of casual coffee or lunch dates, like it or not? Why? Because bro, as much as you hate the idea, feel you're not ready, still feel loyal to your Ex, women can always sense when other women are around. It will likely improve your confidence more. I'm not saying lead someone on or go get laid or get involved or makeout. Just coffee at Starbucks or lunch. No biggie, just a couple of light meeting to get your feet wet and to put out the "vibe" to your Ex.

[collegeguy_24]

You sure? I mean should I do that starting now, or should I wait till I get her response first? And if the possibility of sex comes up, should I go for it or not, cause I am still unsure of what I want to do.