What should I say?

[collegeguy_24]

Well, I am even more depressed right now. A mutual friend of me and my ex just announced his engagement. I am happy for him, but I am also depressed cause I am alone and singe when I just want my ex back. This sucks!

[Don Ho]

You sure? I mean should I do that starting now, or should I wait till I get her response first? And if the possibility of sex comes up, should I go for it or not, cause I am still unsure of what I want to do.

 

Yes bro, do it now. Do not wait for a response. Like I said you need to get your feet wet and send out that "vibe" to her. At least have some coffee dates. Sex? That's up to you, but I probably would. You are BROKEN UP so what you do and what she does is no one's business but your own. Besides, it's not even like you were married, just dating. Despite still feeling loyal to your Ex, you have nothing to be loyal about with your Ex.

 

I had this gal fall into my lap the week my Ex dumped me and of course it led to sex. What was I gonna do? Wait and be celibate until she maybe didn't come back? Nope. Was it kinda awkward and uncomfortable? Yep. Did I enjoy it? Yep. Did my Ex come back? Nope. Am I still dating and having sex with this other woman? Yep. Does she make me more confident and feel better about myself? Yep. So go get some dates bro!

[collegeguy_24]

Well heres another update. I saw her today, and we talked.

 

I was walking to my counselors office, which is on campus, and she comes out of the engineering building, she heads my way and strike up conversation.

 

She is a mess, just like me. She speaks first, by apologizing to me for being rude last time, and how she could have broken up with me. She said she could have done it better but that she screwed it up horribly by getting my hopes up then dumping me.

 

As we talk, I ask about her decision, and she said she did think about it like she promised, and right now she just can't. She said she needs to sort out her feelings, and that at the moment she sees me more as a brother then a boyfriend.

 

I am like WTF? How did I go from boyfriend to brother?

 

She doesn't know. She said she loved me at one point, she still cares for me and has feelings for me, but right now she just doesn't know what she wants anymore. She is giving up dating and sex for a bit to focus on school and to figure out who she is and what she wants.

 

I told her I respect her decision, I don't like it, in fact I hate it, but I respect it cause it is her decision and I cannot not force her.

 

She smiles and thanks me.

 

I then say that because of this breakup, I have seen mistakes made by us both. I told her I didn't assert myself enough, I had her make all the decisions and such. I told her that I am changing that, that its time for me to man up and make decisions, whether I am with her or single, I need to be my own man.

 

We even talked and agreed that she ran away. I said that I believe all good things are worth fighting for, and that she was the best thing to ever happen to me and she gave me true happiness. But she still ran away instead of facing her problems. She didn't get mad or angry, instead all she said was that its true.

 

She and I both agreed to try and give friendship a try, but that it will obviously be some time till we can hang out withe each again.

 

She then left, and throughout the entire conversation I noticed that she was a mess. She was just as upset about breaking up with me as I was. I have never seen her so sad and angry at herself.

 

Anyways, after that I went to my therapists office, and without going into to much detail, I am now on 24 hour suicide watch. I was that upset about her not wanting me back. I don't know where to go from here, so I will end this response for now. Feel free to comment people, different views are always helpful.

 

As you can imagine, I am quite emotional, so I will stop here. I didn't include all the details in this post because it hurts to much. SO if there are any questions feel free to ask, I may post more at a later date.

[Don Ho]

Sorry that you saw her and it didn't turn out well bro. The last part of your post surprised me a little. However, I HAVE been in your situation. Actually the basis for it was that my Mother died from Cancer when I was 19. By the time I was your age, I was a total mess. I contemplated ending my after the "love of my life" dumped me. Turned out she was a bigger mess than I was and to think she was the love of my life, in retrospect, was ridiculous.

 

I didn't do it then, but looking back I think I would have made it through it easier with Rx medication. I decided to use good, old fashioned alcohol! Boy, that doesn't help depression and I don't recommend that one! You need to stay away from booze, pot, pills and so on. You should check with you Dr. about some anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds if you haven't already. It can really help and be enough to get you through this time.

 

All I can say, and you may not be able to "hear" this in your emotional state, but you can and will get through it and do better. You may not be able to see it now bro, but you have a lot to live for and a long life ahead of you and tons of years to have a great life. Now think about this: what if you meet a woman that was even better than your Ex two years from now? I mean the woman that really knocks your socks off and she knocks yours off. If something happened to you, then you would miss out on experiencing that love and happiness with this new woman. And who knows? Maybe you would get married and have kids and have a wonderful life.

 

But you will never know if you do something permanent to yourself now to get through what will be temporary anguish. And if you have my luck and tried something, you would end up alive and a para or quadraplegic. How would that work for you? It will pass bro. I'm 45. If I can make it through it, you can too. Please keep checking in and let us know how you're doing and for the sake of your future kids, hang in there!

[DustySaltus]

Been there too: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218249/

[collegeguy_24]

I am feeling better now, thanks for all the support. My suicidal tendencies are gone, I think it was just spur of the moment cause Jen and I saw each other right before my appointment.

 

I spent all day talking with my family and friends, and the night talking with Biaxident on his tinychat page. Both have been a great help to me.

 

I still love her, and believe she could be the one, but if she doesn't want to be with me, then I realize I must move on. I must date other people, focus on my school and my career.

 

As we talked, my parents made an interesting observation. I noticed that Jen was upset, she was hitting herself hard and took full blame for everything. She was a complete mess. As I told my parents, they said this.

 

They said that maybe she is scared. When we were together she said I am the best she ever had. I treated her right, I was a gentleman, kind, compassionate, and so on. In fact, on more the one occasion she said she sees us together long term, and even said I am the kind of man she wouldn't mind marrying. Good signs to be sure, but they theorized that she was so committed, she scared herself.

 

Jen made it no secret to me that these feelings were new to her, and she hadn't felt them since her first boyfriend, who was old enough to be father. They believe she became confused because of the nature of these feelings, and thats why she broke it off.

 

Jens words echoed some of this actually, even though she doesn't know my family said that. She said I am wonderful and should never change, and that she loved me at one point, she still cares for me, still has feelings for me, but she is not sure as to the nature of those feelings. When she said I was like a brother she herself sounded unsure about it. She even said that she is ashamed of herself, she is ashamed of her sexual past, and that ever since she came to college she has never been alone, she always had a man. When we broke up, she said she is taking a break from dating, no dating, no sex, just school work for her and her career and to sort out what she wants relationship wise, cause right now she doesn't know. She also said she felt like she was taking advantage of me, because I took her out, I helped her move, and she said she felt like she was using me, cause I love her and doing these things out of love, but that I deserve to do these things for someone whose feelings are clear. And that because she was so unsure, she felt like she was using me and I deserve better, her exact words.

 

They think, even my therapist believes, that she is confused, she doesn't know what she wants and is taking time to think about what she wants. They all believe her and I could have a relationship again in the future, but for now, I need to move on, date other people, and focus on school.

 

I still feel for her, but at the same time, I feel like I can move on with my life. My heart will always be open for her, but I can't pine and waste my life on the off chance she will say yes again. Only after I go out, experience life, and she is willing to try again, should I consider the possibility. Right now, I know I will say yes to another chance, but I can't live in the past, I must look forward to the future.

 

I still love her, and I think I always will, but for now, I must live my life, cause you only live once.

[BiAxident]

I still feel for her, but at the same time, I feel like I can move on with my life. My heart will always be open for her, but I can't pine and waste my life on the off chance she will say yes again. Only after I go out, experience life, and she is willing to try again, should I consider the possibility. Right now, I know I will say yes to another chance, but I can't live in the past, I must look forward to the future.

 

I still love her, and I think I always will, but for now, I must live my life, cause you only live once.

 

Damn straight.

[Don Ho]

You sound much, much better bro. Glad to hear it. Seems like you're coming to grips with it and have a much better outlook.

[collegeguy_24]

I really do feel a little better. Its hard but now that I have her answer I can follow a path to a future. In fact, today I even considered taking an offer of FWB from a woman, but I am still a little unsure. I said maybe after a week or two, what do you all think? Think it might help me move on?

[Don Ho]

I really do feel a little better. Its hard but now that I have her answer I can follow a path to a future. In fact, today I even considered taking an offer of FWB from a woman, but I am still a little unsure. I said maybe after a week or two, what do you all think? Think it might help me move on?

 

That's good bro, glad you're doing better. True, now you have a definite answer. That will make it a little easier. At least you know. FWB! LOL!! I would go out and do some stuff with her if she's a friend and cool to kick it with. As far as "benefits", I think at first it will be tough for you not to think about your Ex and a little uncomfortable. It has to happen sometime. I'm not sure waiting a week or two will make much difference. Remember, you are a MAN bro .... so I'd say do it. Take the plunge. I'm not sure it gets you "over" your Ex, but it doesn't hurt! LOL. I did the same thing, actually this woman kinda fell in my lap the week my Ex dumped me (figures). Had to get my mind off my Ex somehow, so started getting busy with her like four nights a week! LOL.

[collegeguy_24]

Thanks for the words of encouragement Don! Would mind if I ask for the full story of you and your ex breaking up, and how you ended up with this new person and how long you've been together? You reference it a lot and I would like to see how you found happiness, it gives me hope.

[Don Ho]

It's a long story bro. The new woman kinda dropped in my lap the week that my Ex dumped me. I had seen her at my gym a few times over the past couple of years with her BF and thought she was really pretty. I didn't think too much of the guy she was with and wonder how he could get a woman like that and not me.

 

After my Ex dumped me, I decided to get right back on the horse and re-joined Match.com. 3 days later this same woman sent me a message on Match. She didn't have a pic, but soon sent me one and then I figured out she was the one from my gym. Apparently she joined Match just so she could email me! And guess what? She broke up with her cheating BF about three weeks before! Funny how that happens!

 

I've been seeing her almost a month. I was in NC with my Ex thinking she would come back .... and pining away. Now I just think my Ex is fckd up in the head and has problems with relationships and intimacy. Despite all the pain that you're feeling and your despair, always remember "another bus is always coming around the corner"! I think I happened to read that online right before the new one came along.

 

So get out there bro, get together with friends, do your thing, go shopping go out on the town. Have a life. Another bus will come around the corner when you're not looking or waiting for it!!

Edited August 27, 2010 by Don Ho

[collegeguy_24]

Heres another question.

 

Back when me and Jen started dating in April, she introduced me to her roommate, Who I will call M, and a male friend of hers, who I will call J. During that time, we hung out and we became friends.

 

I want to know, is it ok if I contact M and J, and say that even though me and Jen broke up, I would still like to be there friends?

 

I am not doing it so I can keep an eye on Jen, but I genuinely like them as people and would like to spend time with them.

[Thorgs]

Heres another question.

 

Back when me and Jen started dating in April, she introduced me to her roommate, Who I will call M, and a male friend of hers, who I will call J. During that time, we hung out and we became friends.

 

I want to know, is it ok if I contact M and J, and say that even though me and Jen broke up, I would still like to be there friends?

 

I am not doing it so I can keep an eye on Jen, but I genuinely like them as people and would like to spend time with them.

Why not msg them something like, even though Jen and I broke up, I'd still like to be friends.

[collegeguy_24]

This is hard, I put some serious thought into it and I'm not ready to date again. I still have strong feelings for Jen, and I can't let them go. I don't know why, for the longest time I thought we had it all, she even said so to my face, on many occasions before dumping me unsuspectingly less then a day after saying those things again.

 

I am going to continue therapy to see if I can get over her, and to deal with my mental stress. I delt with a breakup before, and she was easy to get over because she cheated on me. But this is different.

 

I probably sound like a raving loon by this point, and I don't even care if she see's this, cause I know she knows my username on this site. I thought I was moving on, cause yesterday I truly did feel like I made good progress. But today is different.

 

Thanks for reading my ramblings as I am pretty sure I sound insane by this point.

[Don Ho]

No bro, you don't sound insane. You're like most of us; fell in love and now you're in anguish. Continue with the counseling and I don't know if you have done this or not (and you don't have to tell us) but if you haven't already, check into some Rx meds like I suggested. Hang in there bro, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Thorgs]

The beginning of NC is the hardest, but it gets easier, I promise!

[ar1]

I like how some of the people giving advice in this forum, in general, don't even have their own **** together. OP: go with the flow, every situation is different so what may have worked for others may not work for you..

[Thorgs]

OP: go with the flow, every situation is different so what may have worked for others may not work for you..

 

Your advice really has no meaning.

 

Now the need to trash talk other members is because...? A**hole Award 2010, great job big guy. :hi5

[DavidWhite]

Either give it a good amount of time, or forget about it completely.

[Don Ho]

Your advice really has no meaning. Now the need to trash talk other members is because...? A**hole Award 2010, great job big guy. :hi5

 

LOL. Now that's some funny sh$t Thorgs! Nice hat and glasses. LOL. College hope you're hangin in there bro, let us know!

[collegeguy_24]

Well, yesterday was a new low. I thought I was making progress but my depression just went deeper and deeper. I couldn't take it. I miss her so much, i still love her but I need to move on. Problem is I just can't.

 

Yesterday I went to a friends house, him and his GF were there for me. We were originally were going to go drinking and get plastered. But we decided against it, instead we had ice cream, pizza, and played call of duty on xbox live.

 

THey are good friends, and they are more then willing to help me through my depression, my friends GF even called my ex a bitch for how she raised my hopes up then dumped me like that. I feel a little better.

 

My mom once again consoled me, saying how that while I am hurting, I also need to realize that Jen is hurting to. In fact, she is sick right now. A friend of hers told me. My friend andrew said its possible she is sick from depression because she is a mess right now as well.

 

He even said that she may be realizing what she did and what she is missing. I am not getting my hopes up, but I do hope she realizes what she is missing. But part of me knows that even if she did want to get back with me, she may be to scared to contact me out of fear of rejection. That also makes me depressed.

 

I just miss her so much and I need to move on until either she comes back to me, or I find another woman. But right now it seems impossible.

[Don Ho]

Hang in there bro. You WILL make it through this and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think you can hold onto hope that Jen will come back. I do think in your anguish you need to get out and a least look around at some women. Did you ever talk to your Dr about Rx meds for your depression? Are you on them?

[collegeguy_24]

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, and I will ask about the meds. Tomorrow is also the first day of the college semester in Montana. I have seen other women, in the aspect that I have begun to notice how beautiful they are. And there are so many now that college is starting back up. But part of me doesn't feel ready, another part doesn't want to hook up out of fear she will want to come back or will find out. And the final part wants to meet other women.

 

Even if i did want to meet other women, I don't know how to go about it.

[Don Ho]

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, and I will ask about the meds. Tomorrow is also the first day of the college semester in Montana. I have seen other women, in the aspect that I have begun to notice how beautiful they are. And there are so many now that college is starting back up. But part of me doesn't feel ready, another part doesn't want to hook up out of fear she will want to come back or will find out. And the final part wants to meet other women. Even if i did want to meet other women, I don't know how to go about it.

 

That's good. I'm not a Dr. but maybe Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor or one of those will at least give a little help to get you through this time and make it easier on you. There you go, college is starting up, perfect!

 

Of course you don't feel ready, but you have to start getting your feet wet. You don't have to "hook up" and IF she ever came back (which unfortunately I doubt) you are broken up. She has no business saying anything that happens when you are single and you would not be obligated to tell her. Don't use that as an excuse. Plus you have NO reason at this point to feel any loyalty towards her.

 

Well my friend get on the internet and start learning how to go about meeting them then. College is FULL of opportunities. Go read some David DeAngelo for starters. Believe me if you learn to meet women, your confidence will go up, you will become more attractive to women and, perhaps more importantly, you won't have to act like a pussy with your next GF because you will be confident that you can find another good one. Keep us posted.