What should I say?

[bighearted]

After seeing our argument over the text messages, do you think its possible she could contact me in the future and still not hate my guts?

 

Also, I am not sure if your still reading this, but Don Ho, can I have your thoughts as well on my last post? as well as the thoughts on anyone else who is reading this.

 

You want her to contact you in the future? I thought you said this was it, you're done with her. You should be pissed about her being in the relationship. Use that to get past her. Like you said you were going to. More than likely, she did cheat on you "emotionally." You SHOULD be pissed, and I actually don't think your texts are too bad. Yes, you could have just ignored it, held it in, and went to No Contact. But you don't want to be with someone that's a "user, a lier, even though she denies it. She ruins men," as you said. So... it's over. You got those words in. Do what will hurt her the most and move on with your life. No contact. At all.

 

Eventually, she more than likely will try to contact you SOMEWHERE down the road (A long time), and that will be your decision on whether or not to converse with her. It will depend on your life. I had a somewhat similar breakup a few years ago. After being a wreck when she left, trying logic, trying persuasion, trying everything, and then waiting, I felt my heart explode when i learned she was dating other guys within a month. I was a mess for a real long time because it was my first experience with it. Eventually I learned to get rid of everything that reminded me of her, delete her number, delete her from facebook. No Contact at all. Once I FINALLY did that I started my healing process. She would text me every once in a blue moon since I hadn't said a word to her. And I would ignore her. Eventually she faded away and I don't know where she is, how she is, who she is, and I never speak to her. At all. And eventually I became happy on my own, then met another girl and was MUCH happier. Now, I'm in the break up situation again, and from my last (and only) rough experience i learned alot, and apply what I learned.

[Don Ho]

Exactly Big. College you seem to be going back around to the beginning. First you were pissed, now you're wondering if she'll hate you, to wondering if there's a chance in the future. It's like you were doing much better and now you've come full circle and back to where you were. What happened to improving on yourself, being mad, letting go and moving on with your life?

 

Bro I KNOW how difficult all this must be for you. The pain, the anguish, the "what if's", the sleepless nights, the racing heart beat, the mind spinning out of control, missing her, thinking you'll never find another as good as her and so on. You need to get back to focusing on YOU and moving ahead like you said you would.

[collegeguy_24]

My commment earlier was misinterprited. I didn't mean will she contact me because I want her back, I meant because of the text war will she even want to or is it more likly she will hold a grudge against me for a while. Sure, right now I am going through a whole range of emotions, regret that we ended, still love for her, jealousy at the other guy, anger at her broken promises and lies, and releif that I have a final answer. I will still work on inproving myself, because I need to. Afterall, if Jen and I are meant to be together we will get together at a later date. If not, then that means I am meant for another woman. Also, good news. I have a coffee date this weekend, I asked a girl out online and she said yes.

[collegeguy_24]

I forgot to mention this. Tomorrow I am going to a football game on the collage campus, and my ex is working there. If we encounter each other, how should I react?

 

I was told to let her make the first move, if she ignores me, I ignore her, if she initiates contact, I can go along with it and play it cool and with indifference. If she starts yelling, just walk away. Does that sound like good advice?

[Don Ho]

I forgot to mention this. Tomorrow I am going to a football game on the collage campus, and my ex is working there. If we encounter each other, how should I react? I was told to let her make the first move, if she ignores me, I ignore her, if she initiates contact, I can go along with it and play it cool and with indifference. If she starts yelling, just walk away. Does that sound like good advice?

 

College, for your heart and piece of mind I would do my best to avoid her. Come on Bro, I think you're likely to fall apart again if you have contact with her. She is working a concession booth? Stay away from it. If you do run into her and it is unavoidable, just be cordial and keep moving!!

 

Just say something like "Hey Jen how are you" and keep walking. IF she approaches do not converse. You will not be able to play it cool at all Bro. She won't have the chance to be sh$$ty or yell because you will keep moving.

 

 

BiAx: you know what I mean about making your appearance your best you prick! LOL. I'm 45 and I use Axe, guess I'm a college douche too!

[collegeguy_24]

If I remember correctly she is either part of the band or she helps them out equipment wise. I think what I have is just nervousness because its the first time I will see her since the text messages war. I think I will be fine I am just nervouse.

[collegeguy_24]

How do I take advantage? Most women on campus are taken, we have 5 times as many guys then girls. And the ones I've seen that could be single look ike STD carriers. By the way the scor for the game was Montana State University 58 and Fort Lewis 10.

[Don Ho]

How do I take advantage? Most women on campus are taken, we have 5 times as many guys then girls. And the ones I've seen that could be single look ike STD carriers. By the way the scor for the game was Montana State University 58 and Fort Lewis 10.

 

Are you kidding? Well even if that's true you will see many more women in college than you will when you're older and out in public. Of all the women on your campus there have to be a few pretty ones that will go out with you. STD carriers? How would you know? Just glove up bro and hit it! LOL. I take it you did not see Jen?

[collegeguy_24]

If there are pretty women who will want to go out with me, I don't know how to talk to the women or to open conversation with them.

 

And no, I didn't see Jen, though I was anxious the entire game, and I was even able to watch other beautiful women, which I did enjoy. Last night, against my wish I might add, I did dream about her. I dreamt about the good times we had, about the break up and even reconciliation. I know now that reconciliation is all about impossible now, and I have started to talk with other women, but for some reason I dream about her, I don't know why. I will ask my therapist next time I see him.

 

Maybe its just the residue feelings surfacing, I don't know. and in more depressing news, my coffee date today was canceled, she wouldn't tell me, but it just was.

[Don Ho]

You have some time on your hands Bro. Go read some David DeAngelo or check out askmen.com and start reading about meeting women. You dreams? That's normal. Just your unconscious trying to deal with what's usually too painful for your conscious mind to deal with in the daytime. No worries on the coffee date .... next! LOL

[collegeguy_24]

I have actually read DeAngelo before, and his techniques have never worked for me. I usually wind up failed and with massive rejection from them. So far the things that have worked are the wearing nice clothes and standing up straight and smiling with confidence, but thats about it. The whole cocky and funny never worked here for me.

[Don Ho]

I have actually read DeAngelo before, and his techniques have never worked for me. I usually wind up failed and with massive rejection from them. So far the things that have worked are the wearing nice clothes and standing up straight and smiling with confidence, but thats about it. The whole cocky and funny never worked here for me.

Right. I don't think you have to be C & F and I think some of his advice is pretty juvenile. I think some of his ideas about approach, not hanging too long, and so on are useful. Go check out askmen.com too.

[collegeguy_24]

I'll give some of it a shot, see where it gets me. I will admit to being nervous though, but I think that is natural. I am going out with a female friend tomorrow and I guess I can take a look around at other women in town and get a feel for being single again. By the way, my friend is in a relationship, so I don't think there are chances she is intersted in me.

[collegeguy_24]

Well, my ex Jen just called me on my phone.

 

It turns out she was extremely upset, and I wondered why. It turns out that someone, under a false identity, friended her, then started spamming her face book account calling her a whore, slut, and revealing information about our breakup that I though was private and her identity, aside from her first name on here, was private. She asked if I knew anything, which of course I didn't.

 

I told her I will ask my friends if they are responsible, and if they are, to stop immediately, cause I know what it is like to have someone spamming me after a breakup, it happened with my first ex. the story for that is at the bottom of the page.

 

Anyway, she apologized for her behavior over the text message war, she said she was out of line, and since she apologized first, I decided to do so as well, saying I was frustrated and a jerk. But I waited till she made the first move. She said she would like to get together to discuss things and resolve our issues, but after some time. She said in two weeks she wants me to call her.

 

Now, my parents said, and I agree, and I am sure people here will agree, to not call her, to instead let her contact me. That way I have the power, cause if I contact her, I will give up my power, something I have no intention of giving up.

 

I am not going into this looking for reconciliation, if anything, there is someone else I have my eye on now I want to ask out. She also happens to be in my class and has been in most of my classes for the past two years. So I am thinking asking that person out, once I get the nerve.

 

 

Now about the spamming story. After I broke up with the goth chick, she posted my phone number on a website called 4chan. I had a 13 year old girl call me asking what my penis tasted like. I was also driving at the time, it was 2am, and I almost went off the road in shock. I wouldn't wish such things on anyone, not even Jen.

[Don Ho]

That's a crazy story. Sounds like you handled it with maturity.

 

She said she would like to get together to discuss things and resolve our issues, but after some time. She said in two weeks she wants me to call her. Now, my parents said, and I agree, and I am sure people here will agree, to not call her, to instead let her contact me. That way I have the power, cause if I contact her, I will give up my power, something I have no intention of giving up.

 

I am not going into this looking for reconciliation, if anything, there is someone else I have my eye on now I want to ask out. She also happens to be in my class and has been in most of my classes for the past two years. So I am thinking asking that person out, once I get the nerve.

 

I think about the same way; why would you be calling her in two weeks? She can call you. What was that!? YOU said you're not giving up your power? I almost fell off my chair! You are getting better Bro! Good thinking.

 

What!?!? You have your eye on another girl? WTF College, didn't you say a few posts ago that meeting girls at your campus was really tough and you didn't know how to do that? LOL. Good for you. Hopefully that comes together.

[collegeguy_24]

It is hard, but I ran into her today, she didn't see me, but I sure saw her. She's blond, blue eyed, very opinionated, and intellgent. It looked like she might have a boyfriend, but i will see what happens.

 

As for Jen, I am tired of the games. I will listen to what she has to say, say what I have to say, and see where that goes. As my mom said, if me and Jen are meant to be together, then someday we will be together. If we are not meant to be, then I will eventually find the one somewhere else. I still have residue feelings for her, but I also need to man up and stick to my guns. I am man, its about time I started to act like it.

[collegeguy_24]

Well, sad news, found out the woman I was interested in has a boyfriend, which sucks. So back to square one.

 

I have been thinking about my ex a lot today. Like how I miss her, and stuff.

 

But I was also thinking, if she does get into contact with me, how do I ask my questions without coming off as an a-hole? Because if we do meet, and thats a big IF, I do not want to ruin the chance to get answers by being a jerk. Which sadly happens to me a lot cause my mouth runs faster then my brain.

 

I have also been thinking about the possibility of her not contacting me, which is entirely possible, because I won't contact her. Even though in two weeks time I really, really, want to, I won't. I have been telling myself that I have pride as man, I am not her lap dog, if she wants to talk with me, she has to contact me.

 

I still miss her terribly, and I miss the good times we had together. But I am also afraid, afraid of moving on.

[collegeguy_24]

Not sure if anyone is still reading this, but I will post anyways cause it feels good.

 

Today I called my ex, I know, before anyone shouts at me, let me explain.

 

I told my therapist about what happened Sunday, and he says it is indeed a play for power between us both. It sounds like I gave her all the power by waiting till her specific time period in the past, I called first when she didn't ect.

 

Well the reason I called today is two fold.

 

1: I called as a play for power, she wanted to wait two weeks, I told her this week. She agreed this Sunday at a coffee house. I always waited for her time frame, even when we were dating, this time, its my time frame.

 

2: I wanted it this week because, next week my classes start getting harder, and I wanted this out of way so I wouldn't be to distracted for all my extra work. School first you know.

 

So we are meeting this Sunday, It feels good to have finally made a call as to what was going to happen.

 

I do not have my hopes up for us getting back together, sure it would be great, but I have to face reality.

 

I am going there to find out what she wants, she wanted to see me first, so I will give her the first say when we meet. I have no doubt she will also try to explain how she never cheated on me. I will then show her my view, and ask her to explain it then.

 

I of course, will have other questions for her, would people like me to post them here?

 

Also, I am thinking of casual wear, its what I wear normally anyway, instead of a T-shirt with an anime on it. I am going to wear clothing fit for a adult, not a teenager.

 

Tell me what you think?

[Billie The Puppet]

Play for power is all so hard: Because your heart wants to stay longer maybe your brain too but the longer it goes the dumper regains power.

 

Make sure you end the meeting too. Even though you are going to want to spend as much time with her as possible try to end it as early as you feel comfortable obviously not Like Hi how are you then end but keep it short.

 

I am rooting for you because well most of us all want the same thing so e-moral support is comforting although it doesn't really help any.

 

Also do you really need closure on the cheating aspect? Will it help at all?

 

My situation is the same I suspected cheating but either way it hurts because we may have broke up because of my suspicion or it actually happened and yet she wanted to string me along. I personally rather not know.

 

I know you say you are facing reality and do not get your hopes up of getting back together but it seems some of your subjects for the meeting will kill all aspects of that being a possibility.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[Don Ho]

Hey Bro, I understand why you called her. You do have to figure out what you really want prior to Sunday. Do you want her back? Do you want to cuss her out? Do you want to get in a pissing match. I don't think the subjects or the meeting sound like they will have a positive outcome. If you're looking for closure you already know she can give you an earful that you do not want to hear. If it's to get in another pissing match / argument, what's the point?

[collegeguy_24]

The purpose of the meeting is a little bit of closure, but also clarity, and to just find out what she wants.

 

Thing is, she has been pulling me in so many different directions I don't know where I stand with her anymore. First I'm the boyfriend she is in love with, then she doesn't know, then she leaves me, then she says still cares for me she just doesn't know how, then we argue through text, and now she calls me wanting to talk. I just don't know where I stand anymore, because she pulled me in so many different directions. So one purpose is to find out what capacity does she want me in?

 

Does she want me as a boyfriend, a regular friend, an acquaintance, does she want me in her life at all or not?

 

Also, during the phone call, she was really adamant about saying she didn't cheat on me, and thats one thing she wanted to discuss, among others she said. So I will go and listen to what she has to say, because from my view it looks different. But there are other views and I am willing to listen to them.

 

I know for a fact she is so against cheating, she takes great offense to it, so thats one reason I even considered meeting her.

 

I am not going to cuss her out, or pissing match. In fact, here is the plan I have, tell me what you think.

 

Go in, order a latte, they help me relax. Find her and I will start and say that I am sorry for what happened to her facebook page, I was not responsible for it and I was unable to locate who was.

 

I will then ask her this, she called and said she wanted to meet with me. I have my own questions for you but I would prefer it if you spoke what was on your mind at the time, and what is on your mind now.

 

That way it can be an easy opener, not much stress, and it may help me gain an understanding of the situation before I throw accusations in her face.

 

Depending on what she says, I will either ask these questions, or not, it all depends on how things develop at that time. If I do ask these questions, here they are, please feel free to evaluate them.

 

 

1: To me, it looks like you cheated on me, you were talking with this guy before we dated, so I assumed he was a friend. Then almost as soon as you dump me you jump this guy. To me this shows signs of cheating cause I feel that you may have had feelings for him during our relationship, which is emotional cheating.

 

Tip: When we first started dating, we laid down rules of what constitute cheating, emotional cheating was her idea.

 

2: You told me you loved me the day before, and the weeks leading up to the breakup. Why did you lie to me when you could have just told me the truth?

 

3: More then once in our relationship, with special emphasis on the 4th of July argument and during the breakup and the two times we met afterwards, you said you were never alone since you came to college, you always had a guy to share a bed with. You also said that after me, you were done with dating for at least a semester, and done with sex to, cause you told me you wanted to find yourself, you wanted to focus on studies and find what it is you want in a relationship. You also said when we broke up, that if I was the guy you wanted, or didn't want, you would let me know. And if you were interested in someone else, you would let me know so it wouldn't come as a shock and we could avoid the mess we are in now. Instead of a semester You lasted less then a week, not even a whole month, Why did you lie to me about all that?

 

4: Did you even have sex with the guy yet? You denied sex to me for months, but you jumped him as soon as you started dating?

 

Tip: I am not sure about questions number 4, sounds kinda wrong to ask in my opinion, but your thoughts are appreciated.

 

5: How much of our relationship was a lie? You said you loved me and cared for me, yet you constantly distanced yourself when I tried to help, and never came to me with your problems until they exploded.

 

6: what was our relationship to you? You knew I was hesitant after Jess, yet you persisted in pulling me out. Why did you do that only to give up on us without even trying to work on our problems?

 

Thats it for now, if I get any more questions I will post them. Please tell me what you think about them.

 

Also on a side note, if she wants a relationship with me, either a romantic one or a friendship one, I plan to tell her that if she wants me in either capacity, she will have to earn it, cause she lost my trust, lost my respect, and broke my heart. She will have to work hard to earn it all back. I am also going to tell her that she needs to contact me, cause I won't contact her. I am done with always being the one to initiate contact. Good idea or bad to say to her?

[Don Ho]

I think you're setting yourself up for a fall and overestimating your ability to keep your emotions in check and underestimating how emotional you will get when you actually see her. You plan sounds "logical", but I don't think it will be so straight forward.

 

I think if you still have a goal of trying to get her back, this is not a good strategy. It seems like you plan goes like this: why did you want to meet? did you cheat on me? did XYZ happen? why did XYZ happen? Well I don't trust you and you're going to have to beg, plead and borrow before I consider taking you back.

 

Does this sound like a good plan to you? I think your strategy has DISASTER written all over it. Given the extreme emotional issues you were having last month after seeing her, I am concerned about you and your well being. I don't think it's going to go well. Your "plan" might seem ok on paper and appear totally logical, but these meeting rarely go as planned.

 

If you're idea is to try to get her back, you are giving her nothing to show why you are valuable and why she should consider coming back. Bro, you really have to MAKE a decision prior to Sunday. You want her back or you don't. Once that decision is made, you can make a plan. I don't think meeting her and "venting" or "cross examining" her is going to get you anywhere. If you want to be done with her, then go ahead with your plan. I have to, however, caution you that you may feel much, much worse after you meet her and you may fall into a deep, miserable depression. We don't want you going through that again Bro.

[Billie The Puppet]

Those sets of questions alteast all pertaining to sex with another , are all insecure. You show this woman you are insecure will only push her further away. The only reason you feel like asking them may be for closure but how much closure do you need? It's over it's over. Plus you are already thinking the answer is yes she slept with him. Which is not the real answer you want to hear now is it? So what if she really answers no, does it close anything for you? It may releave you a bit , but then say you leave this meeting not gaining anything. You fo know she will end up having sex again at some point in her life. Reality if you and her are split you both are entitled to have sexual relations with another partner.

 

I agree with Don this meeting is covered with Disaster

 

I've learned myself that no amount of answers will give me true closure. True closure is when life itself moves on.

 

Being a dumpee myself who is somewhat still into ( right now my feelings are jumping back and forth )my ex and would jump at the opportunity to even have a meeting with mine. I can see you really want her back but looks like you are going to mess it up.

 

What's the meeting really about and I am asking you this honestly?

 

What's you objective?

 

-get closure what will closure do for you of your still emotional you will break down after this especially if she had sex with another. I can give you closure right now She Did and it's over it may or may not be the truth but it is worst case scenario.

 

- find out what she wants. This is a good reason to go but be prepared for just friends and if she decides she wants to give it another chance it's a bonus. Whatever you do don't bring up your relationship. If she does try to steer to a new topic but if she dies continue it's safe to talk about it.

[PegNosePete]

if she wants a relationship with me, either a romantic one or a friendship one, I plan to tell her that if she wants me in either capacity, she will have to earn it, cause she lost my trust, lost my respect, and broke my heart. She will have to work hard to earn it all back.

She knows that already. And she hasn't done it. So........ 1+1= ???

 

I agree with the others, this meeting is a bad idea. No good will come of it.

 

I thought I was up to seeing my STBX the other day, when she came round to collect her stuff. We didn't even speak about anything except where is X item, can I have Y, etc. It affected me a lot more than I thought it would. I was right back to day 1.

[collegeguy_24]

I understand and appreciate your concerns, I really do, but I know I will be fine. My heart was already ripped out, she can't do anymore damage.

 

The purpose of the meeting, at least according to her exact words, are to explain how she never cheated on me, and to resolve our differences.

 

I do want her back, I really do, but she is in a relationship. Her new BF's facebook is completely open for people to see, and it still says they are in a relationship. I think that obviously means she doesn't want one with me. If thats the case, then my chances of getting her back are shot dead. If thats true, then what do I have to lose by asking these questions?

 

Like I said, I will listen to what she has to say first, cause she may very well say something that knocks all these questions out the ballpark. It all depends on how the meeting goes before I ask any of these questions.

 

But the one question I will ask, without a doubt, is what does she want with me? Cause she is leading me in all these different directions I don't know which way I am being pulled anymore.

 

Thoughts?