What should I say?

[collegeguy_24]

Well, one of the reasons she wanted to meet was because she wanted to prove how she never cheated on me, and she said there is to much between us to let it go so easily. I mean in terms of issues being unresolved and all we've been through together.

 

Like I said, I will let her speak, when she brings up cheating, I will tell her how I see it, and give my reasons why I believe she did and see what she says.

 

Other then that, I will just let it flow naturally. I do want to ask all my questions, but I don't know if I will be able to or if I should.

[Billie The Puppet]

Well, one of the reasons she wanted to meet was because she wanted to prove how she never cheated on me, and she said there is to much between us to let it go so easily. I mean in terms of issues being unresolved and all we've been through together.

 

Like I said, I will let her speak, when she brings up cheating, I will tell her how I see it, and give my reasons why I believe she did and see what she says.

 

Other then that, I will just let it flow naturally. I do want to ask all my questions, but I don't know if I will be able to or if I should.

 

First Bold: You are asking for an argument with this, Let her bring it up but have no reaction is best is it absolutely necessary for you to tell her how you saw it? I've been this path and it justifies nothing they will still revert back to the way they see it and it will turn them off of any further discussion.

 

Second Bold: Right plan of action because premeditating a conversation will mess you up.

[collegeguy_24]

Today is the day, I am so nervous.

 

I really want to tell her that I still care for her, and at the same time, I want to also tell her what caused our relationship to fail, which was her errors.

 

I know I know, don't do it. And I won't, I am going there to listen to what she has to say, and see where the conversation goes.

 

I want her back so bad, but I have accepted reality even if it isn't pretty.

 

THough I do have a question for Don, why shouldn't I let her hug me? I ca understand everything else, but hugging is what she does, why can't she hug me if she wants to?

[Billie The Puppet]

Women want what they can't have so if she really wants to hug you and you don't give her the chance. She will be begging for it wanting it. I'm not Don but I bet this is what he will have to say.

Edited September 12, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[Don Ho]

Of course you're nervous. Have a drink or something before hand ... serious, that's what I would do. Yes, keep your emotions in check!! Sometimes words "bubble out" and you do not want that! Do you have your game plan down; telling her you have to leave at 230 to do something? You have to control the situation as best possible.

 

A hug is like "ok friend, no hard feelings" so SHE can feel better about it and be more comfortable with it, not you. If you wanted to be treated like and feel like one of her little girlfriends, you could go ahead and hug her. But you are a MAN and you're not going to do that. Plus if that's whats she normally does, you're not going to give her what she wants.

 

You're going to "one up" her by putting out your hand and giving her a hand shake. It shows her that YOU have put this relationship behind you and you are done with it. Don't give into your inclination to hug her. Fight your reaction to let her hug you and keep it business like. This isn't Barney where we can all be happy friends. Questions?

 

.

[collegeguy_24]

Any other last minute advice? I plan to wear good clothes today, with my contacts.

 

Should I smile at all, or just try to keep a plain, indifferent face?

[Username37]

Any other last minute advice? I plan to wear good clothes today, with my contacts.

 

Should I smile at all, or just try to keep a plain, indifferent face?

 

Look like you're enjoying life man.

[collegeguy_24]

Also, if she asks whether I still care for her, if I have any feelings at all, should I reply honestly?

 

Should I give a simple yes and leave it at that, go into detail, or should I say I mayhave feelings for her?

 

I don't think I can lie on that one.

[Don Ho]

Any other last minute advice? I plan to wear good clothes today, with my contacts. Should I smile at all, or just try to keep a plain, indifferent face?

 

Be friendly and cordial, just like you would about any friend ... like you don't have a care in the world. You know "Hey how are you? Good to see you. What's up?" You want her to say that you're acting different, that it looks like you're ok with it and so on. You're just happy go lucky and fine with the break up and over it. Don't get into you cheated, accusations, don't get emotional, don't get upset, don't get jealous, you know.

 

Well don't tell her you "love" her! You can say "of course I care about you" .... meaning as a person, as some one you dated, not "in love" with her or anything like that. Do not indicate that you still love her.

[collegeguy_24]

Is that the kind of method that could make her realize what she dumped and is now missing?

[PegNosePete]

She knows what she dumped. She knows what she's missing (or not, as the case may be). You don't need to show or tell her that.

 

Acting as Don suggests is to preserve your self-respect and dignity. It will give you more self esteem if you can act normal, than if you turn into a gushing ball of girly-man. It's to help you cope with the meeting and your future life, not for her benefit.

[Don Ho]

Acting as Don suggests is to preserve your self-respect and dignity. It will give you more self esteem if you can act normal, than if you turn into a gushing ball of girly-man. It's to help you cope with the meeting and your future life, not for her benefit.

 

Yep! I want you to walk in a happy, confident man and leave as a happy confident man. So do it for you, your self respect and your dignity. Because at the end of a relationship, that's all you have Bro. Don't give that away. That's why I never beg or grovel or serial call if a woman dumps me. Fck that. I have my pride and dignity and I'll be damned if I will let her take that too.

[collegeguy_24]

Ok, I am going to go ahead and get ready, then I'll leave for the coffee place. I may get there early so I can have a moment to scope out the place and get my drink.

 

I hope this goes well, and I hope something good comes of this. When I return, I shall write up a full, detailed, report on here.

 

Thanks for the encouragement guys, I'm going to need it.

[Don Ho]

NO!! Get there at least 5 minutes late! You do not want to look too eager and you want her waiting and wondering where you are!! Remember, arrive late and leave early! Geez College! We gave you all this good advice, now fcking follow it! You will be fine Bro, relax.

[collegeguy_24]

I am, don't worry, I must have missed the arrive late one.

 

But I can still find a parking space, and talk to some friends before I actually head over to the coffee place. A friend of mine lives nearby so I'll drop by there before I get to the coffee place. Besides, he can be the excuse I need to leave when the time comes as well.

[Don Ho]

There you go Bro!! Remember, you're not the old, pining away, "lost without you" guy anymore. This is the new, improved, confident, happy MAN. Have a beer at your friends house too ... you'll relax and you want her to have the impression that you're off hanging with your Bro watching football or whatever. I KNOW how tough it is to see someone you care about, but don't get emotional.

[PegNosePete]

And, do not apologise for being late! You need to keep control of the meeting. Don't let her put you on your back foot. And leave early, if you have to make up somewhere you have to be, do it. Don't let the conversation drag on, when you feel it's done, end it and leave.

[GrayClouds]

There you go Bro!! Remember, you're not the old, pining away, "lost without you" guy anymore. This is the new, improved, confident, happy MAN. Have a beer at your friends house too ... you'll relax and you want her to have the impression that you're off hanging with your Bro watching football or whatever. I KNOW how tough it is to see someone you care about, but don't get emotional.

Or you can try just being yourself, it is much easier and if that does not work for her, I assure you there is someone out there better for who it will work.

[collegeguy_24]

Well my brothers/sisters, I am back.

 

Sorry it took so long to get back, but I talked with my family afterwards, then had a nice, long shower and proceeded to cry like a pussy. But I feel better now, and can move on. Heres a transcript of what happened.

 

I arrive late, but she is not there, so I take a seat and wait. I am sitting outside in the heat, cause no one else is there and we can have privacy. I see her across the street, waiting for traffic to stop so she can cross.

 

Well, it first starts out good, and then gets bad, then gets good again.

 

She was confused as to why I contacted her, and I said that she wanted to talk, so I changed the time. She asks why I asked to meet earlier and I tell her school work is coming up, she understands completely, having seen my work load before.

 

She says she never cheated on me, and I explain everything from my point of view. After a minute, she responds with she understands how I can think that, and she then explains things.

 

She felt an attraction for the guy, but not romantic feelings, while we were together. And not once did she act on that attraction while we were together. In fact, the only reason she is dating him now is because he asked her out almost as soon as she left me, and she couldn't say no. She then said that now that she says it out loud to someone, it looks kinda bad.

 

She also said that she know she will probably hurt him to, because right now, she is trying to make it work, but she doesn't feel much beyond attraction. I then asked why does she do this, cause not only does it cause others pain, but it hurts her to. I told her that I can see, right now, that your in agony. She said she is and she doesn't know why.

 

She then asks me, what do I think the in a relationship status means on facebook?

 

I respond with, well to me, it means you are in a relationship.

 

She says there was a misunderstanding, cause to her, it means there were a few dates, and they are going to see if it goes further or not, there is a difference.

 

Things then started to go bad, and I started to raise my voice at her. She was purposely pushing my buttons and said I needed to be a man and such ****. I got pissed as you can imagine, but I suspected something, cause she normally doesn't push buttons like this. When I calmed down, I asked her why was she pushing my buttons.

 

She said she wants me to direct my anger and hate and unload it on her. She says she deserves it, she wants it because she knows I repress my feelings and she doesn't want me to lose control. She said she deserves it and wants it, to remind her of what she has done.

 

We also got into a conversation of why she broke up with me the way she did. Why did she say she loved me, and wanted to plan a future together? She said that she honestly, at one point, wanted a future with me, but that something changed. She doesn't know what, and she didn't want to take advantage of me while she tried to figure it out.

 

She said she will always regret how she broke up with me, as it was done in the worst way possible.

 

I say it hurts, cause you said you loved me at one point. She replies with that i do, when I say I love you, I meant it. She didn't say it in past tense, she said love, not loved, which makes me wonder now.

 

I told her that I will always love her, because she was my first true love and you can't forget that. She says she understands completely, as she is the same, and so are her friends, especially her roommate.

 

She says she wants to be friends at least, and I say we may need time, which she agrees to. I tell her I want her in my life, either as friend or girlfriend. She smiles.

 

She then says she still cares for me, she doesn't want anything to happen to me, she wants me to live my life and see other women, but not form a serious relationship, just do casual dating.

 

I said ok, but it will be hard, cause you are everything I want in a woman. I also said I will no longer pursue you, cause it will only push her further away. She says ok, and that she knows I won't contact her.

 

I agree, I say I need a little time, and she says she will contact me in the future.

 

She also led on in a way, by sending several hints that another chance for us is not out of the equation, but I will elaborate on that later. Also later, I will explain what my family said, but I can't now cause dinner is ready.

 

So if there are any questions, please feel free to ask, I will respond after dinner.

[Don Ho]

Real quick: I think it sounds like it went ok. More importantly, it sounds like YOU handled it well, which was what I was hoping would happen. Fill us in later!!

[Billie The Puppet]

Well my brothers/sisters, I am back.

 

Sorry it took so long to get back, but I talked with my family afterwards, then had a nice, long shower and proceeded to cry like a pussy. But I feel better now, and can move on. Heres a transcript of what happened.

 

I arrive late, but she is not there, so I take a seat and wait. I am sitting outside in the heat, cause no one else is there and we can have privacy. I see her across the street, waiting for traffic to stop so she can cross.

 

Well, it first starts out good, and then gets bad, then gets good again.

 

She was confused as to why I contacted her, and I said that she wanted to talk, so I changed the time. She asks why I asked to meet earlier and I tell her school work is coming up, she understands completely, having seen my work load before.

 

She says she never cheated on me, and I explain everything from my point of view. After a minute, she responds with she understands how I can think that, and she then explains things.

 

She felt an attraction for the guy, but not romantic feelings, while we were together. And not once did she act on that attraction while we were together. In fact, the only reason she is dating him now is because he asked her out almost as soon as she left me, and she couldn't say no. She then said that now that she says it out loud to someone, it looks kinda bad.

 

She also said that she know she will probably hurt him to, because right now, she is trying to make it work, but she doesn't feel much beyond attraction. I then asked why does she do this, cause not only does it cause others pain, but it hurts her to. I told her that I can see, right now, that your in agony. She said she is and she doesn't know why.

 

She then asks me, what do I think the in a relationship status means on facebook?

 

I respond with, well to me, it means you are in a relationship.

 

She says there was a misunderstanding, cause to her, it means there were a few dates, and they are going to see if it goes further or not, there is a difference.

 

Things then started to go bad, and I started to raise my voice at her. She was purposely pushing my buttons and said I needed to be a man and such ****. I got pissed as you can imagine, but I suspected something, cause she normally doesn't push buttons like this. When I calmed down, I asked her why was she pushing my buttons.

 

She said she wants me to direct my anger and hate and unload it on her. She says she deserves it, she wants it because she knows I repress my feelings and she doesn't want me to lose control. She said she deserves it and wants it, to remind her of what she has done.

 

We also got into a conversation of why she broke up with me the way she did. Why did she say she loved me, and wanted to plan a future together? She said that she honestly, at one point, wanted a future with me, but that something changed. She doesn't know what, and she didn't want to take advantage of me while she tried to figure it out.

 

She said she will always regret how she broke up with me, as it was done in the worst way possible.

 

I say it hurts, cause you said you loved me at one point. She replies with that i do, when I say I love you, I meant it. She didn't say it in past tense, she said love, not loved, which makes me wonder now.

 

I told her that I will always love her, because she was my first true love and you can't forget that. She says she understands completely, as she is the same, and so are her friends, especially her roommate.

 

She says she wants to be friends at least, and I say we may need time, which she agrees to. I tell her I want her in my life, either as friend or girlfriend. She smiles.

 

She then says she still cares for me, she doesn't want anything to happen to me, she wants me to live my life and see other women, but not form a serious relationship, just do casual dating.

 

I said ok, but it will be hard, cause you are everything I want in a woman. I also said I will no longer pursue you, cause it will only push her further away. She says ok, and that she knows I won't contact her.

 

I agree, I say I need a little time, and she says she will contact me in the future.

 

She also led on in a way, by sending several hints that another chance for us is not out of the equation, but I will elaborate on that later. Also later, I will explain what my family said, but I can't now cause dinner is ready.

 

So if there are any questions, please feel free to ask, I will respond after dinner.

 

She wants you as a fall back guy.

[Don Ho]

She wants you as a fall back guy.

LOL!! Good observation Billie!

[bighearted]

She wants you as a fall back guy.

 

Sounds like the definition of this. Disappear. Completely. (Easier said than done I know.)

[Ajax]

Well my friend, I think you're going to be OK. Not great for a while, but OK.

 

My ex also doesn't have her **** together, doesn't know what she wants, but wants to stay "friends." It's easier for girls to stay friends I think than it is for us men. It's something that sounds good when they say it, but in all reality it's just not possible unless you give it lots of time and move on anyway.

 

As far as her wanting you to date other people but not get into a serious relationship... I can't even put into words how ****ed up that is of her to say. Firstly, if she's OK seeing you with someone else that's a sign in and of itself. Secondly, she no longer has any say in how serious any of your future relationships become. Granted, you're heartbroken and shouldn't be getting too serious, but when and how it eventually happens is not her concern. She has lost the right to advise you on how to live your life.

 

So live it the way you want to. It's going to be tough going at first. It's still gonna hurt for a while. Keep us posted on how you're doing and if you need some moral support you know we're here for ya!

[collegeguy_24]

I don't know if she is using me as a fall back, and frankly I don't care, I'll see what happens when it happens but for now I am just going to live my life.

 

as for my parents.

 

They said, or my mom more specifically, that Jen is a good girl, she really is, its just that she is afraid of commitment. After all, she only did this once she said she saw a future with me. They theorize that because of her upbringing, which I can explain if you want, its no secret, that she learned from her parents.

 

She is afraid of committing cause she is afraid she will get hurt like how her mother got hurt. She has issues, thats something that even Jen admits, and she will have to learn to face those issues on her own will, I can't make her.

 

But today, I think I made her take a look at her decisions and her fears. Just because of some of the things said. She acknowledged she has issues today, and she knows she ran away. She confessed and she feels horrible for it.

 

But she has to face them on her own, and my mom says that if the day comes that she realizes that she is following in the footsteps of her parents, then she may come back to me. It could happen in a few days, a few months, years, or it could never happen.

 

But that I shouldn't let that stop me from living my life. If her and I are meant to be, we will get together, if not, then there is someone else out there for me.