What should I say?

[Don Ho]

Hang in there College, there's lots of women out there. You might want to check out sosuave.net to get some more ideas about approaching women and dating. Good you did not try to kick your Ex's BF's ass, it's not his fault. If you should want to kick anyone's ass it should be your Ex's.

 

I don't know why there is always such a double standard; a woman dumps a guy, she gets a new guy and then the old guy wants to kick the new guy's ass? Either direct your anger towards her or to yourself for fcking it up.

[collegeguy_24]

Hang in there College, there's lots of women out there. You might want to check out sosuave.net to get some more ideas about approaching women and dating. Good you did not try to kick your Ex's BF's ass, it's not his fault. If you should want to kick anyone's ass it should be your Ex's.

 

I don't know why there is always such a double standard; a woman dumps a guy, she gets a new guy and then the old guy wants to kick the new guy's ass? Either direct your anger towards her or to yourself for fcking it up.

 

To clarify on your last sentence, she was the one who ****ed it up, I did everything for her and she was the one who ended it. Besides, I don't like the guy cause he asked her out as soon as she left me. Frankly he knew what he was doing and I wouldn't be surprised if he was somehow partly responsible for it.

 

I will give the website a look at, hopefully it will help.

[Don Ho]

Ok, but she was the one that fcked it up, not him. He did not "steal" her away. I am in a similar situation. My gal's Ex cheated on her, moved out and told her to never call him again. When she said to him "So we are totally done, right?" He said "right". Three weeks later she met me. Now he realizes HE fcked it up and he thinks that I AM the problem and if I wasn't in the picture, she would take him back. Totally FALSE. I told her if she wants him back, go to it. She said no way, he's a cheater, a liar and dumped her. She would never ever go back. I'm sure he would like to get in my face. But the reality is that HE fcked it up and he should be blaming himself not me. My point is I don't understand why the guy blames the new guy when usually it was the woman's FAULT. The guy should go kick her ASS! LOL

[collegeguy_24]

The thing is he made it no secret he liked my ex when we were together, even though she didn't cheat on me with him, it still hurts to see someone move as quickly as he did, almost as if he was just waiting for it. They were in contact all throughout our relationship. It just hurts.

 

I am moving on, its slow, but I've made progress. I rarely think about her, and the times I do, I just focus on something else to forget the thought. Just seeing the guy acting all smug just really irritated me.

[Don Ho]

Yeah, well that's just your ego talking. I understand what you're saying, but it does show me that you're insecure and jealous. Even IF he had stolen her from you, it was up to her; she wouldn't have been stolen if she didn't want to. I know, it is a pisser to have a guy all smug about being with your Ex. But that's the way it goes. You're above all that. Just remember as the song goes: "I ain't gonna fight over nobody's pussy". It's just not worth it. Focus on that SHE fcked it up, she will fck it up with him and that she is now HIS problem!

[collegeguy_24]

Focus on that SHE fcked it up, she will fck it up with him and that she is now HIS problem!

 

Golden words there. Heres the kicker, even she said she knows she is going to mess him up like she did me. She said she was willing to see if anything is there with him, and so far, there isn't. The very thought makes me smile. Thanks for listening to that Don, I appreciate it.

 

Now I can focus on tomorrow, and my coffee date with the new girl. I am nervous, but I am going to do my best to project self confidence. The other girl I told ya about, she pretty much gave me a clear dismissal after we met, so now I will work on others.

 

I am even considering asking some others out from my classes. Three of them in the same class though, good idea or bad.

One of them keeps staring at me in class, then looks away when i catch her eye. she doesn't smile though, which makes me wonder if she is interested, or is just bored from class.

[Don Ho]

Bro, have you gone on sosuave.net or askmen.com to get more insight into dating? Maybe you're approach isn't very good or you're choosing the wrong women. Remember, it is also a numbers game, ask enough of them or have a date with enough of them, one of them will hit.

[In_Repair]

I have something to ask. On the off chance my ex wants another chance at this relationship, I am worried about saying something that could ruin it. I don't want to hear about how I shouldn't give her another chance, I just want to hear about what I should say.

 

If she says she wants another chance, and I say yes, should I keep my feelings and thoughts bottled up until we get to therapy? Or should I tell her how I feel at that moment, tell her how she lost my trust, respect, and damaged my heart and she has to work to earn it back? I am thinking wait till we get to a therapy session first. But others thoughts would be appreciated.

 

Also, if she doesn't want to work on this relationship and wants to stay broken up, should I just say thats fine and walk out? Or should I use that opportunity to vent and say how I expected that since she always walks away from problems instead of working on them? as an example. I ask cause that could be the last time I see her for a while and its very tempting to vent before I leave.

 

Look, as long as you guys have communicated at all, and as long as she isn't the female version of Rain Man... she already knows what the problems are. If you really want to start seeing this woman again, then you have to accept that the old relationship you guys had is now dead. Start new.

 

Go with the flow and keep an open mind at first. Treat her in a way that reflects the emotional pain you felt when you lost her. In other words, don't be a dickhead. Be charming, like you would on a first date with a new woman. Later on, after things have settled down and you two are comfortable again, then you can open the door to discussing your concerns. You will be able to do it with a much clearer mind and your arguments will be based on what is, not what was...

 

EDIT: I didn't read the whole thread, so I'm sorry if I repeated what has already been said.

Edited September 20, 2010 by In_Repair
....

[collegeguy_24]

I haven't been to sosuave yet, but I frequent askmen every day. Some of what I've read works, but a lot of what they preach just isn't possible here.

[BlueMoonshine]

I signed up Loveshack because of this thread. What an amazing thread, honestly. So much resonates with my situation.

 

College - really proud of how you got yourself together and are coming out of this.

 

And to people like Don Ho - just a massive thanks for the way you see these things and help people out. Inspirational really.

 

This thread (and forum in general) has given me strength with my very recent situation ---> a girl at work who I went out with for 2 months, who I broke it off with (long story, but she was moving way to fast - talking about being engaged and moving in after 4 weeks), who I missed and thought i had let a good thing go and decided I wanted to get back with, who agreed to a reconciliation and that she needed two weeks to see where she was at, only to find out that she went and got with another guy at work that night....apparently she was “confused”….yeh right, how do you go from telling another guy that you don’t want to progress things with because you want to see how it goes with us, to locking lips with him?.....b*tch….and it hurts like hell....and I can't do NC because I work with the girl….she's like 2 cubicles down. It's tough, real tough. I still like this girl very much and she even said that Friday that she loved me.

 

Still, indifference and acting like a man are what I am doing. I'm taking control and I'm starting to date again....f'ck em all - plenty of fish in the sea and it hurts that I've lost her (some would say it's my fault for originally breaking it off), but damned if I'll play 2nd fiddle to some other chump ---> I'm gold and he doesn't even register on the chemical chart.

[Don Ho]

Moonshine, I appreciate the props. I have been told sometimes I should be more delicate in my advice, and I really do empathize and sympathize with members that are in anguish and having difficulty because I've been there, but I think I have to be somewhat direct in my replies.

 

Seems like you understand it. With your Ex you can't go NC because you work with her, but you can go CC, Cordial Contact, meaning you're polite and friendly because you're in a work atmosphere. Your Ex is obviously confused .... in another guy's arms! Yes Bro, there are plenty of fish in the sea (even for us older guys!) and you should be out fishing as much as possible!

Edited September 22, 2010 by Don Ho

[collegeguy_24]

Moonshine, I appreciate the props. I have been told sometimes I should be more delicate in my advice, and I really do empathize and sympathize with members that are in anguish and having difficulty because I've been there, but I think I have to be somewhat direct in my replies.

 

Seems like you understand it. With your Ex you can't go NC because you work with her, but you can go CC, Cordial Contact, meaning you're polite and friendly because you're in a work atmosphere. Your Ex is obviously confused .... in another guy's arms! Yes Bro, there are plenty of fish in the sea (even for us older guys!) and you should be out fishing as much as possible!

 

I agree, many thanks to Don and others for helping me, without them, I shudder to think of what I would've done otherwise. Also Don, for people like me, being blunt and direct works best, its how things get past our thick skulls and into our brains lol.

 

For you moonshine, I say listen to what Don has to say. Be nice and polite to her, but don't actively seek her out. Give it time and see what happens.

 

I do have a question for you Don.

 

There are two women I am attracted to, well three if you count the one I am going to to meet in a couple hours, in person.

 

Anyways, these other two have lockers next to were I sit every morning, and I see them every morning, but I don't think they know I exist. How do I go about asking them out?

[Don Ho]

I don't think you want to "ask them out", I think you just want to start up some conversation and go from there. Then you will have a better idea if they're even interested.

[collegeguy_24]

Thanks don. Good news, my coffee date today went well, we get along great. I was wondering when its to soon to ask her out agan? I was thinking of asking for a date this Friday night or Saturday? What do you think?

[Billie The Puppet]

Thanks don. Good news, my coffee date today went well, we get along great. I was wondering when its to soon to ask her out agan? I was thinking of asking for a date this Friday night or Saturday? What do you think?

 

My money is on Don saying, let her contact you.

[Don Ho]

Haha. Funny Billie.

 

NO! College do not ask her out for the weekend! It's already Wed nite, so it's too late. Plus it's too soon. Remember slow and steady wins the race? If she contacts you this week, fine. However, if she asks what you're doing, you have PLANS, but maybe next week will work. DO NOT meet up with her this weekend even if she asks. And STAY OFF the texts, emails, calls etc. New woman, new program Bro.

[BlueMoonshine]

Hi Guys,

 

Not to hijack this thread – but I went to my counselor this morning as I was not in good shape last night. I made the mistake of emailing her last night and asking if she’d like to catch up on the w/e and her reply was “sorry, but I’ve got other plans”…f’ck, did I set myself up for that. She's basically shutting me out now.

 

My counselor was really good. I used him for my divorce about a year ago (hence why I felt trapped in this current relationship when things were going too quick) and he said I was possibly scared I was going to lose the things I gained after my divorce, such as my freedom, being accountable to no one, doing my own thing, having more time. He said that's understandable.

 

The counselor was pretty direct in that she might have loved me, but by the sounds of it, she’s just not interested now. He also said I need to respect her decision and that contacting her or bringing up what happened, will make her pull away more. Man, how did it get like this so quickly?!?

 

I said how could it go from saying she loved me and sleeping with me just 2 weeks ago to it all going pear shaped within days. He said if there’s another guy in the picture, it’s going to make it easier for her. He said to stop contact because otherwise I’m just showing her how vulnerable and desperate I am. By pulling back it shows her that I’m a man and in control of my emotions and destiny….that in turn, could make her think that she’s the one who lost a good thing. I said, what if she comes around but I've moved on...he said that's a possibility and that's the way it goes.

 

He said that she probably jumped on this other guy because if she's got these timeframes (moving in together within 6 months, being engaged within 12 months, kids within 18 months) that she most likely desperate to fullfil this ideal. I said the other guy is going to screw her over and he's a total player (people talk around the office)....plus the guy's a little twisted too (but I won't go into that)....it just amazes me that's she interested in this guy....really, he's like a total douche.

 

 

This is the bottom line ---> I have to move on and be strong….I just miss the company and all that…I get lonely too…..I don't have a huge social circle (lost most of my friends because of my marriage) and it’s hard….plus I feel like I’ve lost another thing in my life after my divorce.

 

He said there's a lesson in this somewhere for me.

 

He said I need to stay active and I laughed when he goes "mate, just quietly, you're bloody talk, dark and handsome, you'll be ok, trust me"....lol

 

I just hate being used and played emotionally like I did....I wouldn't do that to someone else. That's what I hate the most.

 

Peace out guys....

[Don Ho]

Moonshine, good for you Bro, sounds like you found a counselor that actually knows what he's talking about! Good advice you should follow.

[collegeguy_24]

Ok Don, I won't contact her for the remainder of this week. You think next week would be good?

 

ALso, I was wondering, should I send her a message saying I enjoyed yesterday with her, and we should do it again sometime? But not asking her out this weekend? I ask cause thats what my parents told me to do, and I want extra advice before I actually do so.

[Don Ho]

I'd probably leave it alone and let her wonder.

[Banega100]

yep, let her wonder. That's one of your best weapons in this game.

[Don Ho]

Ok Don, I won't contact her for the remainder of this week. You think next week would be good? ALso, I was wondering, should I send her a message saying I enjoyed yesterday with her, and we should do it again sometime? But not asking her out this weekend? I ask cause thats what my parents told me to do, and I want extra advice before I actually do so.

 

See Bro, your parents, and many people, have good intentions. But look what they are doing; suggesting you be a "nice guy". Being nice isn't all bad, but you need to keep a slow pace, be interesting and act like a challenge. Let it rest a few days.

[collegeguy_24]

Well, she contacted me and we agreed to meet Monday, I am excited!

 

But heres something to, I have two other women showing interest in me. Both virgins.

 

One is going to the same college I am, and we get along well through emails.

 

The other one is a tad tricky. She is a senior in High school, and she is 18. She has expressed interest in possibly dating, and losing her virginity soon.

 

I've never been in this kind of situation before, and I don't know what to do or what options are available. ANyone have any advice?

[Billie The Puppet]

So you got a total of 3? You sly devil, 2/3 you know have the V-Card still in their possessions but one of them you say wants to get rid of it or at least expresses interest in such. How they hell did you get talking about this subject so fast.

 

I've never been with a virgin so I can't give you advice on that but personally I'd tend to each "date" in order as they seek you. You are only just dating not in a relationship.

[Don Ho]

Perfect! Date all 3 Bro. Be nice when you're with them and ignore them when you're not. You should always have a rotation. Keep working to find more also.