What should I say?

[collegeguy_24]

Well, I almost broke NC. Let me give you the lowdown on tonight.

 

Tonight, we met up on campus and played some pool and bowling. It was great and fun, I won two bowling games! A record for me as I usably lose.

 

I lost at billiards, but it was fun none the less. They left early, cause my friend was roped into going to a Christian concert by another friend, and the other person decided to go do homework that due tomorrow.

 

So now I am home. I live in Belgrade Montana, and the campus is in Bozeman, so its a 20-45 minute drive depending on traffic. And of course, during the ride, I think about Jen, a lot.

 

I thought about breaking NC, just to see how she is doing, cause I did hear from her mom she is sick, and I get worried. At the same time I just want to hear from her. I actually had three separate text ideas I was going to send her.

 

1: "I miss you"

 

2: "How are you, heard your sick, I hope your doing better."

 

3: :-)

 

 

Those were my ideas. Luckily, when I got home, I was able to rein my mind in by eating dinner, and thinking it would be a bad idea. I was able to not break NC, and so its still going strong.

 

But I came so close though, I can literally feel myself losing it. Losing control of my mind, I am coming apart. I tried to hold myself together, but without Jen in my life, without her love, I feel like I am dieing inside, thats there is no way or me to continue anymore. I am getting worse.

 

This is something I am a little hesitant about admitting, but to give you an idea of just how far down I've gone, here it is.

 

I tied to commit suicide, twice, since the break up.

 

First time, I tried to overdose on my parents meds, and drink alcohol to make sure it works. I ended up puking everything back up.

 

Second time I tried stabbing myself, my brother walked in at that time to do laundry, he panic and slapped the knife from my hand and has kept with him ever since.

 

I feel ashamed for admitting it, but there it is. I am not playing a pity party, I have just sunk that low and I don't see myself getting out.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. She made me happy, she was the light in the crap that was my life, and now without her, my life is empty.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. Not to mention the harassment from her BF and his friends continue, my mental and emotional states are crumbling around me.

 

Guys, I need some help, I don't know where else to go.

[Ajax]

The suicide attemps are serious. First and foremost you need to address that. I would make an appointment with a school councelor ASAP. We need to keep you around man

 

As for breaking NC with Jen, you know you can't. Even if she's sick. I know you care about her, but she's removed you from her life and it wouldn't be good to reach out when she doesn't want you to.

 

These breakups are hard. You're going through something that people have been writing stories and songs about since people started writing. Even before that, cavemen were probably going through hell because their cavewomen left them for someone with a bigger club!

 

I miss my ex like crazy too. I told her 7 weeks ago that i wouldn't bother her but when she was ready to talk she could call me. So far nothing. She took down all out pictures from FB and has erased me from her life. Did I deserve it? Nope. Does it hurt? I'd rather have a root canal with no anesthesia. Seriously, I'd do that if it meant having her back.

 

Many of us are going through this, College. Keep posting. We're all here for you!

[Billie The Puppet]

This is something I am a little hesitant about admitting, but to give you an idea of just how far down I've gone, here it is.

 

I tried to commit suicide, twice, since the break up.

 

First time, I tried to overdose on my parents meds, and drink alcohol to make sure it works. I ended up puking everything back up.

 

Second time I tried stabbing myself, my brother walked in at that time to do laundry, he panic and slapped the knife from my hand and has kept with him ever since.

 

I feel ashamed for admitting it, but there it is. I am not playing a pity party, I have just sunk that low and I don't see myself getting out.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. She made me happy, she was the light in the crap that was my life, and now without her, my life is empty.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. Not to mention the harassment from her BF and his friends continue, my mental and emotional states are crumbling around me.

 

Guys, I need some help, I don't know where else to go.

 

Okay I understand where you are coming from, you feel there is no one like her, no one else for you, you can't get anyone else, you were so comfortable with her and the relationship as when it was good, you miss her, you not only want her but you need her.

 

I'm glad you came out and told us about the suicide attempts. I have had thoughts myself but there is no way I would ever act on them. I just came from a wake and have to go to a funeral tomorrow though this is a natural death (grandmother) you wouldn't believe the amount of people it effects. Your pain is not worth your life, The loss of her is not worth your life either. How do you think she would feel if you had been successful. You have other people in your life that love you like your family and friends. No matter what you say right now they matter to you. I don't know if you believe in destiny or not but perhaps there is a reason those two attempts failed and I am so glad your brother walked in on your second attempt.

 

We can't help you get Jen back and I think you really need to start looking at it like she is never coming back as harsh of a reality that may be.

 

If the harassment continues record it and give it to some sort of authority.

 

 

I'm here to talk too , heck if you have an Xbox and Live I'd give you my gamer ID or PS3 just to use it's mics if you really need some one to talk too.

[collegeguy_24]

Its hard, and I'm glad I have support here. It just so painful.

 

Jen has kept our facebook picture up. We only had one picture together, and she still has herself tagged in it.

 

I just wish I could have her back, her mom even asked me, "would I push Jen out of the way of an on coming bus, and would I take a bullet for her?"

 

I said yes with no hesitation, and that was 6 days ago. I still mean it to, I would.

 

I saw her a few days ago, I don't think she saw me, but I believe I posted it earlier. She does look horrible. Even her own mom, a woman known for rationality above all else, says that with all the bad things that have been happening to her since she left me, its like a message is being delivered. and that message is, "it was a mistake leaving him."

 

Her own mother said that, and she told me she believes Jen is beginning to see it to.

 

I just feel like I am getting lower and lower, with no way out.

 

Bilie: I do have an XBOX 360 and PS3, but we are working on getting internet for it.Just when I have a but of free time. When I get it hooked up, I will be sure to take you up on that.

[Leandro]

Same here Billie. I have Xbox live and I think it would be cool to like make a Love Shack clan or something. Just to talk when we need to vent.

[Billie The Puppet]

Bilie: I do have an XBOX 360 and PS3, but we are working on getting internet for it.Just when I have a but of free time. When I get it hooked up, I will be sure to take you up on that.

Any time, Just PM or let me know when your set up if you think this could help. Like I said I have both consoles so either one I'd give away my gamer tag

 

Same here Billie. I have Xbox live and I think it would be cool to like make a Love Shack clan or something. Just to talk when we need to vent.

 

Heck you can vent and play games at the same time it's multi-tasking, It may actually do better than hiding behind a computer screen but knowing someone is still hearing the venting and on top of that playing games. I honestly didn't have the ambition early on post break up to even enjoy VG's.

[Leandro]

Yea I couldn't play online for like a month and a half after the break up, but now I'm getting back into it.

[Don Ho]

Bro, have you noticed that since a few set backs with dating, you've turned your energy back towards Jen? I think you're going down the wrong path, the path of hope when little exists. IMO, you need to get back on the horse and keep making attempts to meet new women. Yes, I know you "don't feel like it", but I think continuing to hang on with hope for Jen just puts you in emotional limbo and continues your pain.

[Oscar Wilde]

I tied to commit suicide, twice, since the break up.

 

First time, I tried to overdose on my parents meds, and drink alcohol to make sure it works. I ended up puking everything back up.

 

Second time I tried stabbing myself, my brother walked in at that time to do laundry, he panic and slapped the knife from my hand and has kept with him ever since.

 

I feel ashamed for admitting it, but there it is. I am not playing a pity party, I have just sunk that low and I don't see myself getting out.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. She made me happy, she was the light in the crap that was my life, and now without her, my life is empty.

 

 

 

Guys, I need some help, I don't know where else to go.

 

Hi College!

 

Please don't try to comming suicide any more. We're here to help you in whatever we can. Keep posting here, a lot of people are reading your posts and providing you with good advice. Your hurt is going to dissapear as time goes by. We all have been suffering the same pain as you, but i assure you you're going to be ok and become strongest.

 

If you want to talk to me I can give you my MSN or Sklypeid. My english is not as good as I wish cause i'm from spain.

 

Me ex gf dumped me a month ago and I'm keeping firm to NC, so I know what's in your heah.

 

Bests reagrds,

 

Oscar.

[collegeguy_24]

Ever since my second attempt, my brother has been watching me like a hawk.

 

I know it sounds like I have hope for Jen coming back, and part of me does have hope. But at the same time, part of me knows its not likely to happen. I just don't feel like I can date someone without giving it my all.

 

I would give anything, anything at all to have her back. I can just feel my mind unraveling, and I don't know, and am afraid, of what to do and how to live.

[Don Ho]

Hey Bro, you can always contact me if you're feeling really down like you want to end it. I'm no expert, but I will help you as I can. I was in your position in college too. When you get that way you have to keep in mind how much you would hurt the people that love you; your parents, your brother, your family and friends. They will carry that guilt and pain and wonder "why" for the rest of their LIVES. Also keep in mind if you succeeded, whomever found you would have that horrible memory to live with and those you left would have that terrible image too. It's really unfair to them. It's all bad, bad, bad.

 

I understand you want the pain to go away, but it is totally unfair to do that to those that love you. Bro, there will be another wonderful woman after Jen. There ALWAYS is. I went to some serious therapy for a few years back then. I'm in my forties now. Life is good. Life always has its ups and downs. You will be fine. Ten years from now you'll probably be with a great woman, have a couple of kids, loving your life and you'll wonder "God, I am so glad I did not end it back then". Like I said, when you have thoughts of ending it, focus on how you would devastate those that love you. If you're not already, get back into counseling. Hang in there.

[collegeguy_24]

Thanks Don, and to everybody.

 

Its just so hard, I want Jen back so badly and I miss her so much. When I was with her, for the first time in my life, I was truly happy.

 

I just feel like most of my life is a failure. My family has pointed out all my success, and I'm tempted to print them here, just to see if it makes me feel better.

 

And while they do say I have a lot of success, I feel like I have none, especially in my love life. We all know about my first ex, the crazy goth chick obsessed with anime, which I will admit was a mistake, one I leaned from.

 

But Jen, god, she made me truly happy to be alive. Every time I slept with her, and not just sexually, but actually falling asleep beside her and cuddling in our sleep. Gave me the best nights sleep I have ever had. I felt relaxed, happy, content, all this and more.

 

Then all of a sudden it was ripped from me, and I feel hollow and dead inside. Like a black-hole has taken its place.

 

I tried, you all saw me, I really did try to move on, but while my mind says to, my heart just isn't into it.

[Ajax]

I just feel like most of my life is a failure. My family has pointed out all my success, and I'm tempted to print them here, just to see if it makes me feel better.

 

 

Do it! I'm sure you've got quite a few successes under your belt.

 

We all go through relapses. God knows I have. There are days I miss my ex so much I feel sick. Don't beat yourself up over it. Being in a relationship should increase our happiness. And when they leave we get hurt, and that happiness turns to saddness. But don't let your happiness depend on someone else. That's never good for you or your partner

 

Definately go see a school psychologist if you haven't already. I've been going to one since my beakup and it's helped a lot.

[collegeguy_24]

It took me a while of asking, but so far here are the list of accomplishments my family says I did.

 

1: at the age of 13 I had a paper route, in two years it went from 60 houses a day to over 200. The people liked me and bought me some expensive tools for Christmas, cookies, and even the knife that, ironically, I tried to use to kill myself. How depressing.

 

2: I am the first person with my mothers bloodline to graduate college, or I will be this December.

 

3: I worked at an art gallery for 4 years on campus, and I was offered a promotion several times, one I turned down.

 

4: I lost my virginity at age 23, granted it was with a goth chick who tried to kill me later on and cheated on me with a woman. But still, I am no longer a virgin.

 

5: I made life long friends with two people.

 

6: I made Jen feel special in ways no one, not even her new BF, has been able to do. Which makes me sad considering she is no longer with me, which makes me wonder why the hell my family brought it up.

 

7: I had a successful internship that ended up giving me a job, even if only for a semester.

 

But still, looking at all this, I would give it all up, each and every single thing, to have Jen back with me.

[Oscar Wilde]

Hi College!

 

This is a great list man, I'm sure you're proud of it. Now it's time to think about the future, what do You expect from it? let us know!

 

Bests regards!

 

Oscar

[collegeguy_24]

I don't know. I feel like **** this morning.

 

I dreamed about her again, I just want to say, to hell with it, break NC, and send a simple text message. But I know I can't, which is irritating!

 

Her mom texted me yesterday, said there was something she wanted to tell me, but it was going to have to wait a week or so as she is helping her elderly father do some things.

 

I'm not maintaining hope its about Jen wanting me back, if anything, its most likely about her coming up to visit, or just to check and see how I am doing, ask about the football team, etc. I don't mind, its usually a good distraction for an hour sometimes.

 

To answer the question: What do I want?

 

What I want in life is simple, I want to be a college Professor of History. I want to find a woman to marry, and have children with. I want a house, large or small makes no difference, and a nice car and a truck. Thats it.

 

Oh, and internet.

 

And for the longest time, I thought the woman I would possibly marry would be Jen, I mean she was throwing hints left and right, even outright saying it! I was on cloud 9, and now, I feel like I am descending into hell.

 

EDIT: I want my car to be a yellow camero with the license plate that says Bumblebee! Or something similar.

[Don Ho]

Bro, that's a good list. You have made accomplishments. I know you're hurt and want her back. I can tell you from experience, it DOES get better and there will always be another woman around the corner. I think you have a strong desire to love and be loved. Any idea why? It seems you think there's a piece missing. Besides Jen or women, what makes you happy and content? You can't (and probably shouldn't) put all you happiness eggs in the relationship or woman basket.

 

I think this is a good time to find out what makes YOU happy and would make you feel more content with your life. That means WITHOUT thinking about Jen or another woman or relationship. Have you thought about volunteering? Helping others part time? I think if you get involved so that you are giving and helping others that make may you feel better. Also, you need to find a hobby or activity that you're passionate about. Do you have one?

[collegeguy_24]

Something I really do enjoy is reading. I do like to read, and I have been doing that a lot lately.

 

Throughout my entire life, the only thing that has made me happy was having the feeling of being loved and wanted. Most of the time I am the object of anger from my own parents, and the few times they actually pretended to give a damn about me made me happy.

 

I like relationships so much because they make me happy, because there is someone who loves me for me and doesn't have crazy expectations. I like the kissing, the cuddling, stuff like that. That is what makes me happy.

[Don Ho]

Throughout my entire life, the only thing that has made me happy was having the feeling of being loved and wanted. Most of the time I am the object of anger from my own parents, and the few times they actually pretended to give a damn about me made me happy.

 

There you go Bro, you found your issue: you were the object of anger from your parents and seek love from a woman to "repair" that issue. THIS is what you should be talking about with your counselor (if you're still going and if not you SHOULD be). This is why when a woman (like your Ex) dumps you, it replicates your parents rejecting you and you make attempts to end your life. I've been here Bro. You need to get counseling and really work on this issue so you're not spending your whole life doing this. You'll be much and happier and complete when you resolve this. You never answered us, are you still in counseling?

[collegeguy_24]

We did talk about it, and right now all he says is that its best I move out, but he also understands I can't afford it yet. I am just waiting for the chance to leave.

 

But, at the same time, I truly saw a future with her, I was hesitant at first but she worked her way to my heart, only to leave right afterwards.

 

I just can't move on. With Jessica, my first ex, it was easy to move on. She cheated on me with a woman! Once I dumped her it was easy to not regret it and start looking for someone else.

 

But for Jen, its different. For one thing she didn't cheat on me, she lied to me, but I can forgive that if she wanted to earn back my trust.

 

For some reason I can't seem to think of other women either. I tried, I really did, but I just came back full circle.

[Don Ho]

We did talk about it, and right now all he says is that its best I move out, but he also understands I can't afford it yet. I am just waiting for the chance to leave.

 

Bro, do you ever answer a question? Are you STILL in counseling or not? You need to talk about your past issue regarding your parents and those feelings. I find it hard to believe a counselor only said you need to move out.

[collegeguy_24]

I am still in counseling, but my time for the semester is almost up. You see on campus I can use the school counselor for free, but only for about 12 times a semester. After that, I have to pay, which I can't afford. He knows this, and is trying to help me get past my parents.

 

Perhaps I should have gone into greater detail, but he did say it sounds like my house is full of negativity, even when Jen was around they pretended to be nice, but she did tell me she noticed the hostility between me and them. Right now it is believed the best possibility is to move out on my own, once I have my own independence and can make my own decisions with less stress from the, then our family relationship can improve.

[Don Ho]

That's good you're still going. You can't afford not to either, so .... maybe your parents can help you out or you can check with County to see what they might offer. While there is no quick fix for your depression and missing Jen, it will help, especially in the long run. Believe me Bro, you don't want to be divorced and still wrestling with childhood issues when you're 40.

[collegeguy_24]

Well we think, as in me and my therapist, that perhaps I just need space fro/m them. I have never been out on my own for more tben a weekend so perhaps its just the pressure and what not. Also, today I did something different, in fact it was five minutes ago. I walk up to a woman, told her I find her attractive, and then smiled and went on my way. It just happened, my mouth said it faster then my brain. I thinks its because of what ypu have been telling me, whbich is to try and get out there more. Even if notbhing comes of it, its a confidance b ooster to be sure.

[Ajax]

Well we think, as in me and my therapist, that perhaps I just need space fro/m them. I have never been out on my own for more tben a weekend so perhaps its just the pressure and what not. Also, today I did something different, in fact it was five minutes ago. I walk up to a woman, told her I find her attractive, and then smiled and went on my way. It just happened, my mouth said it faster then my brain. I thinks its because of what ypu have been telling me, whbich is to try and get out there more. Even if notbhing comes of it, its a confidance b ooster to be sure.

 

How'd she respond? Could you have gotten a date with her?