What should I say?

[Banega100]

that's top drawer! Honestly, that's slick man.

[kaycstamper]

So did you get your candy?

[collegeguy_24]

In the last 24 hours, I have had a strange though process, it came over something I posted in another thread. So I don't send people on a search, I am going to post here what I posted in that thread. The thread is titled, "How paranoid are you that the person you're talking about on here would read it?

"

 

FIrst:

I was worried that my most recent ex would come across this site and know it is her I am talking about, (I even posted her name).

 

But then I realized I don't give a crap. After everything she put me through and her new BF continues to put me through, I don't care if she reads this. I rationalized in my mind that she can see all the pain she put me through, she can see all the love I still have for her and she might come back, realizing I am the one for her.

 

Or she could read all this and hate my guts and go NC, which we are already at so its no change. If she did read all this, she would have contacted me by now, I just learned to live with it and to move on with my life, regardless of the consequences of posting on here.

 

Second:

Thing is I am still in love with my ex, but she needs to know that her actions have consequences. She says she knows they do, but I don't think she really believes it.

 

I did a google search using her first and last name 5 minutes ago, and one of the very first sites to come up, it was on the first page actually, was her. It had her name, her picture, everything. and right under her picture was the link to this site where I posted her name for all to see.

 

So I know if she did a google search of her name, she would find this site and you know what, I DON"T CARE!!!

 

Maybe if she reads this she will understand everything, she will see all the pain she caused me, she will see that I still love her and would take her back, and she would see what an ********* her new BF is. How she reacts I don't really care, like I said before, she could come back to me, wanting to try again, or she could hate my guts. Either way I am fine.

 

But I degress from the original topic, No, I do not worry she can find me on here, I know she can, I just accept it, and try to live my life.

 

As you can see, this is an impotent thought process for me. Because for the first time since the break up, I don't give a crap about what my ex thinks! Thats an important step for me.

 

I mean, I still love her, yes, and I want her back, yes, but until that happens, if it ever does happen, I need to go out and enjoy my life. Date other people, be my own man.

 

And I really mean what I stated above, I don't care if she sees all this, I mean I have nothing to hide, nothing to be embarressed about. This is all the real deal, every page in this thread, all the help from Don, Banenga, and others, its all the real deal.

 

I will also admit, I want her to read all this, I want her to do a search for her name in google, and read all this. I do wonder hos she'd react to all this, while at the same time don't really care. If she hates me, whats she going to do, ignore me? Reall she is already doing that.

 

I fully expect to run into her tonight, I mean I can't go to a party, hosted by her dorm, and not expect to see her. Seeing her, I can handle, smile, nod, take it easy as we discused already.

 

If I see her new BF and he gives me Sh$#T again, I will ignore him. I will simply add it to my long list of things to get even with him with.

 

Though I will admit I have entertained thoughts of destroying him, completely. All legally of course, that would make it sweeter

 

Gotta love lawyers, when they work for you.

 

So, what does everyone think? I love hearing from you all, you people are the ones who get me through my day with my sanity intact.

[collegeguy_24]

Well last night was our Halloween party date.

 

We met up with some friends of mine, and made it a double date. We couldn't get into the dorm party. When I called earlier they said its open for everyone but they turned us away at the door saying its only for those who live in the dorm.

 

After giving the finger for lying to us, we decided to go to a Halloween party at a bar/dance club called Mixers/

 

I didn't drunk alcohol, as I was the designated driver, everyone else did though. My date only had one drink, and that was it, she is not a big fan. and my friends had plenty.

 

We did a little bit of dancing, but mainly we took great fun in costume watching. There were plenty of skimpy costumes, which was epic in my opinion.

 

Before the date, we spent a total of 4 hours together just hanging out and talking and watching movies.

 

We talked and decided to try an open relationship kind of thing. In other words, we can date each other, but also date other people. We are both hesitant to start a relationship especially since we have only had three dates together. But we still get the benefits of a relationship, in a way I guess its hard to explain.

 

Also, before the night ended we had 20 minute makeout session, where she revealed that on more the one occasion she wanted to jump me. Apparently I am good looking, in my own way. We didn't have sex, but there is a possibility it may happen in the future. I am not going to push it, but things did seem to go well.

[Don Ho]

That's good Bro. But I thought she didn't like being touched?

[collegeguy_24]

I was confused as well, Apparently it was a miss communication.

 

SHe told me she is really shy, and it takes time to warm up to people and until she warms up a bit she will avoid contact. But she also told me she is warming up to me, which explains the kissing. It just takes time. She also said it could just be she's gets horny cause she is a virgin and sometimes she wants it bad.

[Don Ho]

How was that a miscommunication? Sounded like she made it clear to you?!

 

Not sure why you had a conversation about dating others then. Hmmm....

[collegeguy_24]

The conversation started when she told me about her ex, how even though they dated for 4 years, there was nothing really there. She said it was more of a relationship of convience, since they were roommates and he paid part of the rent.

 

Eventually, we started to talk about how we are not ready for a committed relationship, at least not yet. Also the fact that we have been dating for only for 2 weeks, we shouldn't rush thnigs into full blown long term. That way this leaves options open for us both.

[strength-abounds]

First things first. College, dude, you are an inspiration. From reading this epic thread to now, you have made a s***load of progress. Keep it going!

 

Second, I used to say the only way way fix a broken heart is a raging case of crabs. However, I have changed my perspective. Thanks to you, the only way to fix a broken heart is to p** some chick's c****y.

 

DUDE! YOU ROCK! Good luck. We are rooting for you.

[Username37]

College, I have seen you on the chat board and I read your thread every time I log on and I am happy for the progress you made my friend.

 

Like strength said, you're an inspiration and a total trooper.

 

Good luck bro

[collegeguy_24]

To Strengh-abounds and Username 37: Thanks for the kind words! I will admit I have made some progress, but its a slow going process. I am going to continue this thread because posting and talking about whats happening in my life is really helpful for me.

 

 

Last night was amazing. It was another double date, with my friends, my date, and this time I included my brother, who is 19 and single.

 

We went to a club that is 18+ for dancing, and while my date doesn't like dancing, I tried to give it a shot, to warm her up to it.

 

My brother was a nervous man, he has never had a date, never been kissed, etc. So he was standing there alone, feeling a little creeped out as to how much he resembled my old self, I did an intervention.

 

I pointed out to my brother these two to women in costume, gave him a small speech to use, and told him to go over there and ask if one of them would be willing to dance with him. Nervous, he did so having my encouragement.

 

He ended up not one, but with both ladies coming over to dance with him!

 

I have never felt such pride in my life.

 

Later on I see a guy walk in with two women, the guy looks exactly like my ex BF, the crazy stalker guy. I did not get a good look, so I do not think it was him. and none of the girls was my ex, but one was in fact, one of her female friends. I decided to not bother with him after that, and instead focus on the people I was with.

 

After the clubbing and the night of parting, I went back to my dates place, and well, things got physical, real fast.

 

We did not have penetrative sex, but there was some dry humping, and the night ended with her half naked and me getting a BJ. SHe also said she is willing to do other things, just not penetrative sex of her vagina. So any ideas on that?

 

She said she is not ready to lose her vaginal virginity yet, and I will respect her wishes and I will not push.

 

Also, before the partying, we talked about the misscummunication, it turns out when she gets really shy, he words come tumbling out and give of the wrong impression, so thats what happened.

 

But other then that, thats how my night went!

[Banega100]

Dude we don't want to be hearing about your BJ's!!

 

haha, but nah man, great work . On paper things appear to be coming together for you, and if you keep it up your mindset will soon reflect this.

 

I don't think you guys need to worry about defining 'what you are' yet though...

it's so weird that she said all that man, she aint shy!!

[collegeguy_24]

Lol, I thought I'd deleted that line, and when it was posted and I realized it was still there then, I couldn't go back and edit it!

 

Things seem to be going well, and I hope they do continue, I would really hate to have bad luck come get me again.

[collegeguy_24]

I am feeling angry, sad, and bitter this morning. I don't know why, I had an excellent weekend, I went partying with a date and my friends and brother Friday and Saturday, Sunday night I hung out with co-workers and went trick and treating.

 

This morning I am feeling like I am back at square one. I dreamed about Jen again, I don't know why.

 

I miss her terribly, I really do, and even my date says she misses her ex, so I am not alone.

 

But I just feel so angry this morning, I don't know why. I don't even remember the dream, I just remember her face fading away, and waking up to my alarm feeling angry and pissed off.

 

I also feel a little guilty, I think I may have posted my bitterness in another thread, but I am not level headed enough this morning to fully think on it. I posted it here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=251399&page=2

 

I need some encouragement today guys, I am just feeling really low and angry, and sad at the same time.

[bl22]

just had a dream about my ex also, really wasnt nice. Just involved her and 'the other guy'

 

feel really sick and hurt now.

[Don Ho]

Come on guys, that's just part of the process. It sucks, but it will pass. Get rolling and start your day. It gets better and easier.

[Banega100]

yeah boys, don't sweat it. Get on with it, she isn't back and she's still a bitch, game on.

 

College, it's not a bad thing that you're pissed off man, go lift some weights and look ahead to the rest of your day.

[Don Ho]

BTW guys, I wasn't dismissing that you felt bad I was just trying to point out that it will pass and it gets easier each time. Hang in there.

[collegeguy_24]

Well my day was interesting.

 

I think I saw Jakub today, but I'm not sure, it was on my way to work, but I just ignored him and went on my way. I wans't sure if it was him but I was not going to make sure.

 

At work today, I was talking with my two co-workers, we hung out last night and after work quite often. One of them is a guy, and I recently friended him on facebook, and the girl, who I can't tell is being flirty or friendly. Anyways they were discussing about how to drag me to a swing dance.

 

On campus every friday night we have a swing dance, its free. I've been meaning to go, and they really want me to go but I've been busy and haven't been able to.

 

Well I promised this Friday I would be there and I cleared my schedule so I actually can. I've been wanting to as well, so I look forward to it.

 

ANyways, the guy has 400 friends on Facebook, and I went through them to see if there was anyone I know. Guess whose on that list?

 

Yep, the exes new BF/my stalker, Jakub.

 

Well, I was a little nervous, so I asked the guy at work, does he really know the guy?

 

He said kinda, he's more of a friend of a friend. I asked if he goes to the Swing dance, cause if he does, I won't.

 

The guy was a little shocked, but he replied that no, as far as he knows Jakub never goes to the swing dance.

 

He asks why? I say its personal, but that its not pretty.

 

Well this gets the attention of the girl, and they press for more details, so all I said to them was that the guy is largely responsible for making my life a living hell, and if he goes to the dance, I won't go simply because I am coming to the end of my patience and I can't promise there will not be blood.

 

THey are both surprised, the girl doesn't know the guy, but she did says she has never seen such hate in my eyes before.

 

The guy is surprised as well, and he says to not worry, he's not a close friend and he will not invite him to the dance, and if he sees him, he will text me to let me know.

 

well after that, I get off work and the girl decided to get off early as well. I walk her to her dorm, and we just talk random stuff, like how fun Halloween was, thats about it.

 

That was my day.

[Don Ho]

Bro, you need to get your emotions in check, engage your brain before your mouth. They had no idea and you kinda spilled the beans with no reason. Emotions = bad words or comments. Not trying to be a prick, but you're sometimes wearing this stuff on your sleeve when you shouldn't be. I might have asked "why" but not said anymore and waited for their reply.

[collegeguy_24]

In response first: I know I may have said more then was needed, but at the same time I didn't want an awkward situation to develop if they invited me and Jakub at the same time. I told them I didn't want them to be surprised and put into a difficult situation. The guy, said it was fine, and he appreciates the fact that I told him me and Jakub are enemies ad inviting us together is a very bad idea. He says that instead we can just hang out separably, which is something I am already doing with a female friend of mine. I hope that makes sense.

 

But other then the above, I had a rather boring day. I woke up in a good mood, I dreamed about Jen again last night, and instead of feeling sad and depressed, I woke up feeling happy. My happiness only increased with my morning coffee and cinnamon roll

 

I went to vote with my family today, after that we went grocery shopping.

 

I am home now, fresh from a relaxing shower, and am about to play Dead Space for the ps3.

 

I think today was rather average, which is fine, better then having a bad day.

 

I also found out that the percussionists are having a concert this month, and my ex, Jen, is in it. Part of me contemplated going, not to do anything stupid by sitting in the front row and smiling, but rather sit in the back row, out of sight, and just enjoy the show.

 

I don't think I will though, considering it could easily be considered stalking if she sees me. I am just posting this information so its no longer in my head.

 

I just want to see her again, I really miss her. But I think going to the concert is a little far and can be easily interpreted the wrong way. I really did consider it though, which is rather sad and possibly pathetic.

Edited November 2, 2010 by collegeguy_24

[strength-abounds]

Stay away from her dude. All the progress you have made will be erased by seeing her. If you show up, she's going to think your stalking her and that will not help either one of you. Stay strong brother. We all are supporting you and know that you can do it.

 

Stay away from her. Stay away from her. Stay away from her.

 

Good luck and God Bless.

[collegeguy_24]

I do plan to stay away, simply because I don't want to be a stalker. In all honesty I don't want her to move on any further then she already has. In all honesty I want her back, not away.

 

But theres nothing I can do about that, I can't pursue her because in todays society if I try to win her back I will simply be labeled as a creeper. and I am not a creeper!

 

Instead, I am putting my thoughts and efforts into something else. If I can't have Jen, then I will have to try and have someone else, or be alone.

[strength-abounds]

You'll find some one else dude. There's more women out there other than Jen. Keep focusing on you and you'll make through this dark a$$ tunnell.

[collegeguy_24]

Well today I am in a perfectly good mood

 

I dreamed a little about Jen last night, and for the first time, the dream actually switched over to the new girl I am dating. It was great!

 

Her and I have been getting along rather well, and things seem to be progressing for me, she says she knew what she was in for when she asked me out, knowing how I am still pining for Jen.

 

But I've been thinking about Jen less and less lately. Instead I've been thinking about the new girl. In fact, we have a very special date tomorrow night. I think I am finally beginning to move on. Its a slow process, but I think its really possible now, I see hope for the future.