What should I say?

[Leandro]

I think you handle yourself very well. She's probably ashamed because she knows that she was wrong and may still have feeling for you. Don't worry about it. You did good.

[Don_da_Ho]

Yep. I don't think she was ashamed, I think you're reading way too much into it. I think it's always awkward running into an Ex, especially when caught off guard. You should tell your Mother NOT to call her. And you should not contact her. This was just a little karmic "temptation" to see if you would fall off the wagon. Continue dating the new gal and continue moving forward with your life.

[collegeguy_24]

I will admit, I am tempted to contact her again. I just really miss her, and lately Ive been thinking that perhaps I could get her back if I actively pursued her, like what her current did.

 

I haven't done anything yet, instead I've been distracting my self with school work and such, but its been a nice thought at least.

[Surfer203]

Dude.. don't bother chasing after her. I chased after my wife of 8 years for 5.5 weeks and it is hopeless. We had a strong bond and marriage and she just left for another man because she had "feelings" for him. She still claims to love me and claims she could never officially say not to me. Yet with all of my efforts, talks, emails, face to face meeting, nothing worked. Chasing them is not the answer. Move on with your life. One day she may realize what a mistake it is for you not to be together. That is her problem, not yours. Move on with your life - don't talk to her and just do your thing. You have a new girl, see how it goes. If she isn't right for you then move on with another one. Life is too short for could haves and should haves. Good luck.

[Don_da_Ho]

I will admit, I am tempted to contact her again. I just really miss her, and lately Ive been thinking that perhaps I could get her back if I actively pursued her, like what her current did.

 

Right. This was just my concern: that you would read her reaction as "ashamed" and rationalize it as a reason to contact her. Don't do it. You've been doing just fine. Chasing never works so don't rationalize that one either. Continue moving forward.

[strength-abounds]

You handled yourself with honor and respect, College. Keep moving forward with your life. Remember, never make someone a priority that considers you an option.

[collegeguy_24]

I was actually thinking of contacting her before I saw her. Its been in my mind a lot lately, I've tried to rationalize it by saying to myself, "Its been 4 months, I think thats enough time."

 

I still haven't done it yet, as I keep coming back here to see you guys saying no and that helps. I just really miss her, and I would give up anything to have her back or just to hear from her again, even if it means I contact her.

 

And some bad news.

 

Today, me and the new person were having sex, which is good. What is bad, is that I fantasized about my ex Jen! I didn't even mean to, I just closed my eyes and her face appeared!

 

And whats worse is that afterwards we took a nap, I dreamed about her still.

 

I feel so bad for doing that, even when I didn't mean to. Is that normal, or am I just F@#ed up?

[Banega100]

Alright man! how's it going? You seem to be on top of things!! Even aware of your subconcious rationalising things! good work.

 

But yeah, don't contact her. As stated by Don Ho. it's awkward and weird running into exes, this happens to me and i would think wow she's awkward must mean theres something there bla bla. I'm wrong aren't I. She's just weird because she doesn't know how to act. Nothing else.

 

Keep at it man. Keep dating girls. You're doing GREAT. CLEARLY.

 

but, don't contact her under any circumstance. Make sure your Mum doesn't either!

[collegeguy_24]

Ok, now that I am off work and have full access to a computer, here is my full report about my visit.

 

We talked for a bit about how I've made progress. I asked if it was normal for me to still think about Jen. I explained to him that I avoided all her haunts, I've avoided activities that she partakes in, and I've done a good job with distracting myself from thinking of her. Yet when I close my eyes I dream of her, and I can't control that.

 

He said that is a bit unusual, but that the dreams mean I still have feelings for her, and he repeated what Don here said, which is that it could take me years to get over her.

 

We also talked about my current open relationship. I like the girl i am dating, don't get me wrong, but there are some issues that bother me.

 

FOr one she can be obsessive compulsive with some things, and she seems a tad clingy to me.

 

I also don't like how she is extremely insecure about us, she is constantly afraid I will leave her for an ex.

 

But she also has some good qualities, she is nice and polite. Shy, but she can open up.

 

She has also spent way more money on us then I have, which makes me feel a little guilty.

 

Sex wise, I took her virginity, but I got the impression she was desperate for it. I mean her ex of 4 years didn't make a move, and she told me when she got naked and said take me now, he ran into the bathroom and cried!

 

She is also very inexperience in relationships, like I am.

 

Also, I told him I fantasized about Jen during my last sex session! That makes me feel horrible, especially since I didn't meant for that to happen.

 

The topic of contacting her came up, and here is what was said.

 

I told him that my friends, that includes everyone on here, you are all my friends, my own mother as well said this, that I should remain NC.

 

However, my mom also said she might contact Jen, whether I tell her not to or not she will make the decision and I can't stop her. So part of me wants to do it before my mom does, at least if I do it, I can keep my pride and dignity.

 

Also, Jens mom tells me there is a distance between Jen and Jakub, and she strongly suspects she still has feelings for me but is afraid to contact me because I could very well tell her to go to hell. Exact quote there.

 

Also, Jens herself doesn't think she deserves me, that I deserve better. Well I won't argue that point cause its true. But Jen is the one I want. and Jen told me this at our last meeting.

 

Plus, there is the fact that she followed me twice now, and the way she acts each time I've run into her.

 

Now she is appearing in the locations that I frequent, and twice I've seen her look like she wants to say something, but she she clicks her mouth and departs.

 

Now I am not being hopeful here, I made that clear to him. But this action just puzzles me, especially my knowledge of female minds is rather low.

 

I told him that was thinking of sending an email, but not put anything in there that hints I am pursuing her.

 

But instead thank her for helping me when I needed it, and inviting a chance to open communication, little by little as some time has gone by.

 

He agreed that if I go that route, write up the email, and then next Friday during our session he will read the email with me, and he will write and edit it in a way that works in my favor, and doesn't make me look like a creep.

 

He also says her actions are puzzling, and it looks like, at least from his view, that she wants something, what it could be neither of us knows.

 

he also agreed that if my mother decides to contact her, I should do it before her. My pride and dignity must come first!

 

So, what does everyone think? This is a bit of a messy situation, my wants are conflicting with what I am being told, also, I have a LOT of posts about exes on Loveshack, to help remind my self I am not alone.

 

In all those posts, not a one of them has a girl that has the personality of my ex, which makes this even harder as I have no point of reference to go by, despite the fact that many of those girls have similar personalities, at least in the posts.

 

So, thats my update if I forgot anything I will put it down later.

[Don_da_Ho]

First, tell your Mother to NOT contact your Ex. No, you can't stop her, but you have to explain to her that you are a MAN and a MAN handles his own situations. By her contacting your Ex, she will be making you less of a man. She should understand that one.

 

2nd, I don't think your Ex was following or chasing you. IMO you're reading way too much into it. I would call it "synchronisity". That's just that you and your Ex are still subconsciously joined so crossing paths occurs. Or it's just happening by chance because you live in the same town. Just because event "A" (you cross paths) happens doesn't mean that "C" (she still wants to be with you) is true.

 

Anyway, I think you're getting a little off course here and doing quite a good job in rationalizing the situation and talking yourself into contacting her. You even make the excuse that she's worried you'll tell her to go to hell if she contacts you. I still hold the belief that if an Ex REALLY wants to be with you or talk with you they will contact you.

 

You can write the email, but don't send it this week or contact her. I don't think you should write it and have your counselor "proof" it next week because that's enabling you and you shouldn't send it anyway. Hang in there.

[Banega100]

Your therapist is doing HIS job well in that he is supporting your beliefs and sympathising with them. Eg. your willingness to contact Jen. However i don't if he's married or if he's even kissed a girl before.

 

So please think very carefully now. Do you want to undo the progress you've made, which you undoubtedly have? Contacting her is a bad idea. And is not an idea. Because you aren't going to do it. You're doing so well you don't need to reopen that wound.

 

Your hopes are just that; hopes. She's still with that douche and if she changes her mind in 5 years time then she will contact you. But the ball is in her court forever now. You have to get on your way.

 

Pointers which will help you:

1. Stop speaking to Jen's Mum, this is feeding the fire of hope in your head - admit it

2. Get your Mum to stay out of this. Her intentions are good ones, but it will make you look 12 years old.

3. Don't read into the situations when you cross paths, because it means nothing. She's awkward and flustered because you guys used to SLEEP together and stuff.

 

I know it's hard. But don't undo the good work. Don't contact her. Come on ! you can do this ! You're going to do this !

[collegeguy_24]

Well I wrote the letter to Jen and I did no send it. Its in my draft folder, and I may go back to edit in the future, but thats just because I can't stand bad grammer.

 

I also drove past her place today, she lives in the dorms, and I had to drive past her place to get to the football stadium. In that regard, we made it to the playoffs, but we lost today, so our good streak is now gone : (

 

Anyways, I saw Jens car is still in the student lot, which means she is not at the new guys place, that made me happy inside, at least a little.

 

Anyways, I am posting my first letter draft here, if you want to read it go ahead, if not you can just skip.

 

Hello Jen,

 

Its been a while since we had a conversation. I have come to believe that enough time has passed that I am willing to begin opening communication again, if you are. I wanted to send this to thank you, as I am actually in your debt. I am graduating soon and I firmly believe you are, in part, responsible for helping with achieving my goal. During the summer you supported me far more then anyone else. You let me stay at your place when I was tired from work and expected nothing in return, you worked at the museum for me, and so much more. You encouraged me to do my best, not just for my internship, which has led to a job, but also for my capstone. I wanted to say thank you for everything. I also wanted to invite you to the graduation ceremony, even if I don't see you, just knowing your there would mean so much to me.

 

I also wanted to see how you've been. I will admit I miss our conversations and I wanted to try and re-establish some form of communication. I hope to hear from you, and if in the event I don't I wish you good luck on your finals/

[dk.bnz.chi]

confused i must admit that i read ur thread,and the only thing i can advice u is to tell that b..h 2 f...k off.

now u finally know what u should say

[Don_da_Ho]

That letter is probably good therapy for you. I wouldn't send it. IMO it sounds kiss a$$ and you shouldn't be contacting her anyway. Even if you send it, I don't think she's going to respond and if she does it's not going to lead to reconciliation. Let it go Bro and keep moving forward, not backward.

[collegeguy_24]

It did feel good to write, I will admit that. But I also know her personality, she won't contact me unless she is positive I actually am willing to talk with her. Which I am, so that leaves me in a pickle you know?

 

I've done really good with NC, and I know I've been rationalizing everything recently which is why I posted on here first, I wanted your opinions.

 

But heres the thing, I never fought for her, her new BF did, relentless and look what happened. Part of me feels that I should fight for her, and whether I win or lose, I can at least hold myself up with pride and said I fought and did my best.

 

But another pat of me wants NC, even though I know she will never contact me unless I do first, thats just who she is.

[Don_da_Ho]

I believe if a woman really wants to contact you she will. The rest are just excuses. Her douche "fought" for her? I don't think that had anything to do with it just like you trying to "fight" for her now won't do anything. If you have to fight for someone, then either it's not the right person or they have psychological issues.

[Banega100]

Yeah, he was probably AGGRESSIVE and went and asked her out and pursued and stuff. But she had to have been interested in him for that to happen...

 

So, your fighting won't mean a thing. Because she knows she could be with you if she wanted. She knows how you feel...

 

FORWARDS NOT BACKWARDS

 

Come on buddy !

[collegeguy_24]

I hate my life right now, I really really do.

 

I am stuck in a ****ing limbo right now, with my mind, heart, and soul being torn apart.

 

Its getting worse and has been for a while, I miss her so much and I feel I can't move on. I have tried my best to move on.

 

-I dated and still am dating other people, yet all I can do is think about Jen.

 

-I have avoided all the places she goes and I know she will go, yet I still run into her.

 

-I've tried to delete her fro my life, yet my mind and heart won't stop.

 

 

I feel hopeless, even the person I'm dating knows this.

 

We talked today and she knows I still love Jen, yet she won't leave me cause she really wants to give it a shot. I do to, but I feel my heart belongs to Jen.

 

I honestly don't know how much more I can take, I really don't.

[Ajax]

You're graduating at the end of the month right? Look forward to the change that will happen. What are you studying and what are your job prospects? Any chance you could pull up stakes and start a life somewhere else that doesn't remind you of Jen every time you look around?

 

You've made a lot of progress, and have helped a lot of people including myself get through hard times. But you're still not over that last hump. Maybe it's time to start thinking of some more radical courses of action to get her out of your system. A trip somewhere exotic or treat yourself to something you've really wanted.

 

Bottom line, once you graduate you can start building a life for yourself away from where you might run into Jen.

[Eternity001]

I think you mentioned that you suffer from anxiety, that adds a whole new level of hard to the equation.

 

Forcing yourself to date if your heart and mind are elsewhere makes things harder in my opinion, it's like a band-aid. For some people it works wonders, for others it causes even more trauma.

 

I find it very fascinating that this other woman still wants to give it a go despite this information about your ex. I don't know if I'd entertain that situation much longer.

 

I think you need to remind yourself what you have achieved already and take heart from that. It's amazing what we can achieve when everything looks hopeless. We find strength from somewhere and you're doing really well.

[Don_da_Ho]

I hate my life right now, I really really do.

 

I am stuck in a ****ing limbo right now, with my mind, heart, and soul being torn apart.

 

Its getting worse and has been for a while, I miss her so much and I feel I can't move on. I have tried my best to move on.

 

-I dated and still am dating other people, yet all I can do is think about Jen.

 

-I have avoided all the places she goes and I know she will go, yet I still run into her.

 

-I've tried to delete her fro my life, yet my mind and heart won't stop.

 

 

I feel hopeless, even the person I'm dating knows this.

 

We talked today and she knows I still love Jen, yet she won't leave me cause she really wants to give it a shot. I do to, but I feel my heart belongs to Jen.

 

I honestly don't know how much more I can take, I really don't.

 

These are all issues you should bring up with your therapist; WHY you feel this way, what is the root of it, what you can do about it and not what you should email your Ex.

 

Bro you have made tons of progress. I think you tend to have depression. Your statements point that direction. You have made TONS of progress.

 

But I just thought about something: if you continue to pine away for your Ex than you can use that as an excuse to not deal with your life or be active about your life. What is it you're really avoiding? What do you think?

[collegeguy_24]

I don't really know what I'm avoiding. I mean when I was with Jen I was the happiest I have ever been.

 

-My school and internship was going perfectly for the first time in 6 years thanks to her encouragement.

 

-she actively said she loves me and wants a future with me.

 

-she has everything I want in a woman, she was extremely intelligent, smarter then me even, especially in mathematics. She actually paid attention to me, she was extremely beautiful, she wasn't clingy for when I wanted space she gave it and when I wanted to be with her she granted it. she talked with me and listened, she never asked for anything or expected anything. She was perfect, at least to me.

 

My depression is returning, I just miss her so much, I am just going to come out and say this.

 

I want to fight for her, I mean when she left I didn't do anything to try and stop her, I just let her go without a fight. I want to break NC and open communication, do a little probing to see how she is, and try to win her back. That bastard Jakub did it for a year, I am patient and I can do it to.

 

I think thats the true reason I want to contact her, I want to say screw it and give it a shot, because then at least I can say I tried if she doesn't want me.

[Don_da_Ho]

Bro, there you have it: your depression is returning. So you're trying to grasp at something that made you feel better, your Ex. You're not going to get the "lift" you're looking for from your Ex. You're not going to get the response you want from her, which is going to make you more depressed. Not a good idea Bro.

 

I'm not an expert, but I'm not sure your depression is caused by your Ex, I think that's just a symptom of your depression. You should be discussing with your counselor that your depression is returning. Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day. And if you tell yourself that you're still going to be depressed tomorrow and missing your Ex, that's likely what you'll get.

[Fufu]

collegeguy_24: Unless you can accept her rejection again and again without feeling depressed, you can go ahead and break NC and start your chasing.

[collegeguy_24]

Well, here I am sitting in the main Student Union building on campus, we call it the SUB, and no less then 35 seconds ago the ex I am still in love with, Jen, walks by.

 

I don't think she saw us because of the location of myself and my brother, we are located behind a door, she didn't even look in our direction, in fact she seemed deep in thought, but with finals coming up that is understandable as everyone is.

 

God she looks so beautiful, and I was temted to wave at her, try to catch her attention but I will admit I was to scared, and shocked to see her.

 

I want her back so bad, this sucks