What should I say?

[collegeguy_24]

Well College since you gave his name I tried to look him up on FB just out of random curiosity but all I got was a foreigner who still has a High School as his network so I doubt it was him. Not that it matters to me at all.

 

Strike that it may be him as current city is the same. Is he a high schooler? Or perhaps to lazy to switch network to College.

 

 

As for typing on the phone I know what you mean I use the iphone and my U's I's and O's always get mistyped so you'll see fir's alor from me instead of for ti's instead of to's and so on. Plus its a pain in the ass to go back an edit with the iphone.

 

He is a foreigner, he is from Bratislava, Slovakia. So it probably was him. Was his network the Bozeman MT highschool or something of the sort?

[Don Ho]

That's probably him. He looks like a tool.

[Billie The Puppet]

Yea I figured it was him once the current city matched and then saw the school thing as 08 graduate. Also seen Jen in friends list but no mention of her on his thing other than that but that could be hidden to the general search public.

 

I can't pass a judgment based on a facebook profile and you can't look at her leaving you as his fault etc, However based on what he and his friends have said to you doesn't sit well with me (I can imagine what it has made you feel like) and to me that relationship is destined to fail.

 

Sometimes in life they come back even after moving on not to get your hopes up or anything.

 

In fact I am starting to believe my ex is seeing someone which is hurting me somewhat buit if anything I got a two real friendships out of my relationship. Her sister and her sister's fiance. I don't think I can ever settle for a friendship with my ex though.

[collegeguy_24]

Yeah, its just annoying, and really disheartening. I am still in contact with Jens mom, and she said over text she understands my anger at the guy, though she does't know the details of what he has been doing to me after the break up, I think she knows that he pursued Jen throughout our relationship.

 

I am just so angry at the guy, and its worse knowing I can't lash out in vengeance. And I still love her, I really do. I don't know what to do, her mom said she would contact me in a few days when she has finished with her cross country trip with her elderly dad and would help me sort things out.

 

Also, his appearance is slightly altered now, he now has mutton chops growing on his face, which makes him even more hideous then normal.

[Ajax]

I like this thread, it's exciting!

 

Anyway College... I looked up the jerk too. Put mutton chops on him... complete tool. There's no excuse for his behavior towards you except to boost his own ego. And if he has to go to those lengths to do it then he can't maintain the relationship. It's only a matter of time before Jen sees through him.

 

Like I said before, stay on the high road. Don't be the "nice" guy, but be the better man. I think you're handling things well so far.

[collegeguy_24]

Yeah, I'm trying to maintain the high road. Its so hard though, and I feel my anger yesterday directed at the guy may have pushed Jen further away from me. But I have been trying to rationalize it by saying to myself that if she wanted me in her life at all, she would have contacted me.

 

Her mom said either tonight or tomorrow she will call me, but if things get to busy for her we will wait. I hope to be able to maintain my friendship with her cause I like her and she provides good insights.

[Ajax]

That sounds to me like a fine idea, so long as you can actually stick to it. However, if you keep shifting back and forth between abstaining from women and wishing strongly that you had one, you'll simply "spin your tires" so to speak.

 

I agree to an extent. If that's your choice then stop looking for women. But if somone special comes along when you're not looking don't reject them out of hand.

[collegeguy_24]

Well, I just got off the phone with Jens mom, and it went rather well, and she did explain somethings to me, and I explained things to her that were new to her.

 

We talked for about an hour and 15 minutes. She told me she did in fact, relay my apology to Jen for my behavior Saturday, and that she apparently accepts. She also told me herself that she accepts as she understands that emotions are still raw for me and that it happens.

 

One of the first things we talked about was how Jen felt so guilty, and horrible, and still does, about breaking up with me. She got the impression that Jen regrets it a little, and most certainly regrets with how she done it.

 

She was also surprised when I told her about the 4th of July incident, which anyone reading this thread will know about. She says she was aware that Jen almost broke it off with me, but she didn't know the details. So I gave her the details, and she was surprised.

 

We talked about Jens upbringing a little, and how it could have an effect on her now, and she also told me that maybe Jen was scared, she was scared of the level of commitment we were heading into and thats why she broke it off.

 

As for Jakub the *******, as I am fond of calling him. According to Jens mom, they had something a year ago, not sure if it was a relationship or a friendship, but apparently Jen walked away from the guy. She also says that she got the impression that Jen was the one who initiated the relationship, but after hearing what it was I told her, which was the guy pursuing her all throughout our relationship, she says my version is much more likely.

 

I also told her about the stalking, and she agrees that it is weird and unusual, however she is really grateful that I worry for Jens safety regarding the comments that are being said to me. She also says that they didn't appear to click when she had dinner with them, but that they seemed to be getting along well, if a little stressed.

 

She also admits that her and Jen have not had such an in deph conversation about all this, but that when she asked, Jen apparently hinted at still having some sort of feelings for me still. and that on the road of life, Jen may realize that I am the one for her.

 

SHe also said that this semester has been pretty bad for Jen, as she has had severe health issues, and her classes are taking a massive toll on her mentally, emotionally, and in terms of her ego regarding mathematics.

 

She says she also understands my feelings for Jen, and I explained about the reservations I had and the history with my first ex, Jess. With that in mind, she was able to understand that with Jen making her way to my heart, after having such a ****ty experience relationship wise, its understandable I would still have feelings for Jen.

 

She is not worried about my feelings for Jen, if anything she seemed to be a little grateful that I have such feelings for her.

 

I also told her abut the text war, and again she understood, seeing as how the new relationship was a sudden blow.

 

Before we ended the conversation because she had to catch her flight out, she told me she will talk with me again, and help me resolve things and be my friend. She also said she will talk with Jen and see where her feelings lie, because all these mixed signals are not healthy and she wants to help her daughter find the correct path in life, whether its with me, or not, and I understand, as I told her, Blood comes first. She did say she is not going to mention to Jen that she is going to tell me this stuff afterwards, and that she is not going to mention somethings about our conversation with Jen.

 

She is grateful that I still care for her daughter, an that two months is not really a long time, and that she fully expects it to last longer for me to get over her daughter, if I ever do.

 

If anyone has any questions about my conversation, feel free to ask them, as I could not post all the details here.

[Billie The Puppet]

Well, I just got off the phone with Jens mom, and it went rather well, and she did explain somethings to me, and I explained things to her that were new to her.

 

We talked for about an hour and 15 minutes. She told me she did in fact, relay my apology to Jen for my behavior Saturday, and that she apparently accepts. She also told me herself that she accepts as she understands that emotions are still raw for me and that it happens.

 

One of the first things we talked about was how Jen felt so guilty, and horrible, and still does, about breaking up with me. She got the impression that Jen regrets it a little, and most certainly regrets with how she done it.

 

She was also surprised when I told her about the 4th of July incident, which anyone reading this thread will know about. She says she was aware that Jen almost broke it off with me, but she didn't know the details. So I gave her the details, and she was surprised.

 

We talked about Jens upbringing a little, and how it could have an effect on her now, and she also told me that maybe Jen was scared, she was scared of the level of commitment we were heading into and thats why she broke it off.

 

As for Jakub the *******, as I am fond of calling him. According to Jens mom, they had something a year ago, not sure if it was a relationship or a friendship, but apparently Jen walked away from the guy. She also says that she got the impression that Jen was the one who initiated the relationship, but after hearing what it was I told her, which was the guy pursuing her all throughout our relationship, she says my version is much more likely.

 

I also told her about the stalking, and she agrees that it is weird and unusual, however she is really grateful that I worry for Jens safety regarding the comments that are being said to me. She also says that they didn't appear to click when she had dinner with them, but that they seemed to be getting along well, if a little stressed.

 

She also admits that her and Jen have not had such an in deph conversation about all this, but that when she asked, Jen apparently hinted at still having some sort of feelings for me still. and that on the road of life, Jen may realize that I am the one for her.

 

SHe also said that this semester has been pretty bad for Jen, as she has had severe health issues, and her classes are taking a massive toll on her mentally, emotionally, and in terms of her ego regarding mathematics.

 

She says she also understands my feelings for Jen, and I explained about the reservations I had and the history with my first ex, Jess. With that in mind, she was able to understand that with Jen making her way to my heart, after having such a ****ty experience relationship wise, its understandable I would still have feelings for Jen.

 

She is not worried about my feelings for Jen, if anything she seemed to be a little grateful that I have such feelings for her.

 

I also told her abut the text war, and again she understood, seeing as how the new relationship was a sudden blow.

 

Before we ended the conversation because she had to catch her flight out, she told me she will talk with me again, and help me resolve things and be my friend. She also said she will talk with Jen and see where her feelings lie, because all these mixed signals are not healthy and she wants to help her daughter find the correct path in life, whether its with me, or not, and I understand, as I told her, Blood comes first. She did say she is not going to mention to Jen that she is going to tell me this stuff afterwards, and that she is not going to mention somethings about our conversation with Jen.

 

She is grateful that I still care for her daughter, an that two months is not really a long time, and that she fully expects it to last longer for me to get over her daughter, if I ever do.

 

If anyone has any questions about my conversation, feel free to ask them, as I could not post all the details here.

 

 

Be careful of the path you and her mom are trending, Last thing you want to do is put her family in the middle. Her mom seems to be fond of you because you are a good choice for her daughter. However using the mother for information etc could potentionally not only be damaging to future relations between you and Jen but also Jen and her mother. I think it is fine to keep the friendship but harmful to discuss the daughter. Though you will want to with every chance.

 

My ex's father called me but I missed the call, He is one to not want to get involved which I can respect. I'll phone him later in the week I missed it a week or so ago but I know he just got back from a vacation. I don't want to call now as it is a Holiday in Canada (Thanksgiving) and I don't want to upset the ex but I would still like to touch base by returning the call with the Father. However I will not discuss with him my ex it would be unfair. Blood is Blood and they should be on their bloods side but being because my characteristics may reflect those of yours that Jen's mom like it could overall be damaging. The ex's may see it like we are using our friendship with their family to get to them. Due to NC I don't know if my ex has moved on but I have reasons to believe so.

 

I also hold a friendship with my Ex's sister who still feels bad for me etc but has told me herself that she thinks it's best I move on which I take as a sign my ex has. However with my discussions etc with the sister I have let my feelings slip which sucks because they could easily get back to my ex. However I'm pretty sure the Ex know's how I feel anyways even with me going into NC.

 

I wish us both a speedy recovery be it reconciliation or moving on.

[Ajax]

Be careful of the path you and her mom are trending, Last thing you want to do is put her family in the middle. Her mom seems to be fond of you because you are a good choice for her daughter. However using the mother for information etc could potentionally not only be damaging to future relations between you and Jen but also Jen and her mother. I think it is fine to keep the friendship but harmful to discuss the daughter. Though you will want to with every chance.

 

 

Yeah this is a tricky position. You don't wan't Jen thinking you were conspiring behind her back if she ever finds out that you're talking to her mom. If she trusted you with secrets I'd keep them.

[collegeguy_24]

Thanks for the advice, and looking back at it, I don't think I was clear enough, or I put my words together wrong.

 

Jens mom said her daughter comes first, whether she wants me or not she is not going to push. I understand that, family always comes first, cause she does not want to damage the relationship with her daughter. Also, Jen knows me and her mom are in contact and are friends, and from what I understand, she doesn't object.

 

What she is going to tell me though, in regards to Jen, is how her health is doing, and whether or not Jakub is abusing her or anything of the sort. Cause if he is, I am kind of like the silent guardian, I will watch out for her. Also, in regards to Jens feelings, she will consider telling me how she feels, cause she is going to offer to Jen the option of communicating through her so that we both don't screw it up by talking directly.

 

She did say she is going to talk to Jen when she has a chance for a long detailed discussion, about her feelings for me, and her feelings for Jakub. Its entirely Dependant on the contents of the conversation, and whether Jen permits her to tell me that she will or not. I hope that clears it up a little.

 

Ajax: I already told her mom on the phone today, that some secrets of Jens, I will not reveal to her, and she accepted and says she respects the fact that I will continue to keep Jens secrets.

[Banega100]

hey man, how you feeling?

 

i think that you might what to consider cutting ties with her mum. It seems unhealthy.

Now, before you tell me about the quality of this friendship, you have just relayed a conversation with her, where the only topic was Jen.

 

Therefore, this seems to me to be less of a friendship, and more a way of you getting up to speed with what she's doing etc, and a way of feeding that hope you have that she will come back to you.

 

You are not going to be able to get over her if you stay in contact with her mum, however you rationalise it. My ex's mum was super cool, and way nice to me, but i haven't spoken to her for 2 months since it ended. This is because a) i dont want to appear to be hung up on my ex. And b) hearing about what my ex is up to would set me way back. I couldn't handle it.

 

True friendships remain solid over time, so maybe look to cut ties with her for the time being, and if in a years time, when you can't even remember what Jen looks like, you think her mum would be a good friend, then go for it. But please give yourself the best chance here. all the best.

[Don Ho]

No offense Bro, but I don't think you should have had that conversation with her Mother. To me it's not what a man would do, it's a bit invasive to Jen, puts her Mother in the middle and is inappropriate. I understand you're friends with her Mother, which, given the circumstances is a bit odd. I think you're going on the wrong path my friend; now that these other women haven't worked out you seem to be checking out the Jen situation more. You even seem to be getting your hopes up that Jen is still the "one".

[collegeguy_24]

I think what is going on is being misunderstood. Jens mom is trying to help me move on, that's what she agreed to do. She is telling what she knows about jen, to show me its not easy on her either. I do not have hopes jen wil come back. Do I want her to, yes absolutley, but she is simply trying to help me get to a point where I can move on. Jens mom flat out said she will not be the go between forever, and that her daughter comes first. I competly agree, but as a friend she is trying to help me gain control of my emotions. She said its fully possible for jen to come back, but she is going to help me control myself. Like what you guys have been doing, ony from a female perspective. Also in regards to the concerns about our friendship, let me reassure you, this is the first time we talked about jenn. our last conversations was comparing football teams, and we useally talk about my football team and updates around montana in general. Like regular friends.

[Billie The Puppet]

I think what is going on is being misunderstood. Jens mom is trying to help me move on, that's what she agreed to do. She is telling what she knows about jen, to show me its not easy on her either. I do not have hopes jen wil come back. Do I want her to, yes absolutley, but she is simply trying to help me get to a point where I can move on. Jens mom flat out said she will not be the go between forever, and that her daughter comes first. I competly agree, but as a friend she is trying to help me gain control of my emotions. She said its fully possible for jen to come back, but she is going to help me control myself. Like what you guys have been doing, ony from a female perspective. Also in regards to the concerns about our friendship, let me reassure you, this is the first time we talked about jenn. our last conversations was comparing football teams, and we useally talk about my football team and updates around montana in general. Like regular friends.

 

Personally she shouldn't be the go between at all.

 

Yes she is a female perspective and a friend but she has relations to your ex and anything could easily slip and get to your ex. Yes your ex already knows how you feel etc but each time it gets back to her it makes it only makes matters worse. - She could be thinking despite NC with her you still haven't given up the chase etc.

 

LS also has females that could give advice but generally when we listen to the opposite gender they have given us the wrong advice like send flowers, write a love letter etc show how much you care which has the same effect as chasing.

 

Now I am in the exact same situation as you, gone on a few dates but still coming back to thoughts of the ex etc. I still want my ex back, I want to no longer want her back but my heart still does.

 

I have relations with the ex's family too. I am friends with the sister and her fiance, but I make it a point not to talk about the ex even if they bring her up because it's hersay even with them being closely related unless it comes from the mouth of the ex to me it's untrue only because even if it's truth the ex can twist it and not only would it cause conflict with the ex it will cause her to conflict with her family and then conflict between her family and me if I were to act on anything.

 

The father phoned me but I missed it and I am going to return the call out of respect but again I won't bring up the ex and shall he I simply ask him not too.

[collegeguy_24]

Well, in regards to the ladies of LS, and no offense meant to them, I really am doubtful about their advice. I've seen their advice before on other threads, and from what i've seen, its not the best. I could be wrong, and if I am, be sure to tell me.

 

ALso, Jens mom did say not to call Jen, to right now let things flow as they do. She says right now contacting Jen myself would be a bad move, and to instead stay NC. Which is also what you've guys have been saying, and what I am doing and will continue to do.

 

Her mom also did say that she is slightly wary of the new guy, that there was just something about him that disturbed her a little.

 

She is also willing to help me cope and to understand these feelings, cause she truly believes I am in love with Jen, and she herself, from her own experience that I will not divulge here, knows what its like.

 

Last Minute Edit: There is an episode of How I met Your Mother on right now that describes my situation exactly. How funny and ironic is that?

Edited October 12, 2010 by collegeguy_24

[Don Ho]

Like I said Bro, not to insult you, but a man would not be communicating with his Ex's Mother about his Ex. Besides, I think you're breaking NC, because in a round-about way it is contact with Jen. Move on. Get your life back on track.

[collegeguy_24]

This is the first time we talked about my ex though, and she believes that part of the coping process is to understand it. I have nothing to lose at this point, so why not? Besides, most of the time her and I don't talk about her daughter, this was the first.

 

I understand your concerns, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all the support you guys have given me.

 

Do I want Jen back? Yes.

 

Am I going to pursue her? No, I told her point blank she has to contact me.

 

Am I going to hold out hope there is a chance she will come back? No, I will live my life and follow the path I am meant to follow, if she wants to come with me then she is welcome. If she does not, then that is her decision.

 

Those are my guns and I am sticking to them. No more backing down, no more depression, no more pausing my life hoping for a yes. I told her its her decision, she has to be the one to make it.

[Soysauce111]

Dude, please do yourself a favor and cut all ties, to all her friends and family! Trust me dude, i been in your shoes. As matter of fact, she left me to be with another guy 3weeks after we broke up. I cut all ties, deleted fb and number. I went NC for 3months now and been hitting the gym everyday trying to bulk up and to better myself. I know your saying that your not hoping for her to come back but in the heart you really want her back! Everyone been telling you to back away from her and the mom, so please listen to us so you dont put yourself up again. Man up!!

[Banega100]

if you're in contact with her mum it's NOT no contact dude.

 

You're finding out what she's up to, and feeding that hope you still have.

 

Start talking to random girls online and in real life whenever you can. And just have a laugh and get to know them.

[collegeguy_24]

I don't think I am translating what is happening very well. Or it could all be in my head. Next time me and her mom talk I will be taking notes on the conversation, and post said notes, provided they don't reveal certain private issues, on here. Assuming of course, the conversation is about me, Jen, our failed relationship, etc. If her and I talk about football obviously I will not be posting that here, unless your all interested Lol.

 

Perhaps then we can all get an understanding of what is going on, cause I don't think even she knows where to go or what to do, which is something she told me she is thinking about.

[Billie The Puppet]

You are translating perfectly fine, the point is you shouldn't be talking about Jen, you, or even Jakub with Jen's mother. Some of us here will even say you should drop all talks with the mother. I'm against that because it's something I break my self. I'm LC with my ex's family as in I don't initiate contact. I'm also not talking about my ex and my situation either. However I do have to be careful when they ask about wether or not I'm dating too.

[collegeguy_24]

You are translating perfectly fine, the point is you shouldn't be talking about Jen, you, or even Jakub with Jen's mother. Some of us here will even say you should drop all talks with the mother. I'm against that because it's something I break my self. I'm LC with my ex's family as in I don't initiate contact. I'm also not talking about my ex and my situation either. However I do have to be careful when they ask about wether or not I'm dating too.

 

What does LC mean? I see it a lot and don't get it. Also is the a thread where the abbreviations are for translation?

 

But yeah, I told her I can't contact her because I know she will be busy and I don't want to get her at the wrong time. She said thanks for the consideration because she is traveling with other family members. She said when she has time, she will call me soon.

 

Also, she said Jen knows I am not dating anyone, and that apparently the ones I have been on dates did not work out. She doesn't know how Jen knows, because I didn't tell her mom till the conversation on the phone we've been discussing about. That is certainly an intriguing thing.

 

She also said that she was given the impression that Jen has feelings for me still, but they didn't discuss it because of time constraints, I believe I said that already.

 

Also, Yesterday as an interesting day, as I ran into Jen. She didn't see me, cause she was busy drinking from her coffee container, with what looked like tea. Also, I was able to avoid a disaster.

 

I visit my mom for lunch, as she provides good company and my friends are in classes, and I don't want to eat alone. She works on campus by the way.

 

Well, I arrived early and just in time. She told me she was about to send a text message to Jen asking to come to her office to talk! I was like Holy Crap!

 

Apparently, she was going to be straight and upfront, she was going to say that she knows the relationship is over, and she is not trying to sabotage Jens new relationship, but she was going to tell Jen about what her BF and his friends have been doing to me and saying about her behind her back. She was also going to tell her about what the dorm mates have said.

 

Her reasoning was that Jen deserves to know what is being said about her, and I agreed. But I also told her that coming from MY mother would have the opposite effect, right now I am leaving it to Jens mom to figure it out. Thoughts on this?

[Billie The Puppet]

LC to me is limited contact/ light contact/ low contact out

 

Out of those three I prefer limited contact.

 

As for Jen finding out about Jakub and his friends if it persists it will come out naturally.

[Ajax]

 

I visit my mom for lunch, as she provides good company and my friends are in classes, and I don't want to eat alone. She works on campus by the way.

 

Well, I arrived early and just in time. She told me she was about to send a text message to Jen asking to come to her office to talk! I was like Holy Crap!

 

Apparently, she was going to be straight and upfront, she was going to say that she knows the relationship is over, and she is not trying to sabotage Jens new relationship, but she was going to tell Jen about what her BF and his friends have been doing to me and saying about her behind her back. She was also going to tell her about what the dorm mates have said.

 

Her reasoning was that Jen deserves to know what is being said about her, and I agreed. But I also told her that coming from MY mother would have the opposite effect, right now I am leaving it to Jens mom to figure it out. Thoughts on this?

 

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

 

Having her mom as a go between is bad enough. Having your mom talk to her is a nail in the coffin. Nobody listens to warnings about their partners, especially if the people telling them have ties to their exes. You need to remain aloof. She has to realize that this guy is trash by herself.