What should I say?

[collegeguy_24]

SHe just walked by again, and this time she did see us as she was quick to duck her head to avoid all eye contact.

 

I am tempted to text her and just say that every time she sees me she doesn't have to duck her head and run off, she could at least acknowledge I exist.

[Surfer203]

Dude.. forget her. You are doing all the right things. I am sure actually seeing your ex would have a major impact though. I know when I saw my wife face to face it was weird.. I thought she looked good.. but not as good as I had made her out to be in my mind. I guess I saw the evil in her. Keep on trucking my friend!

[Don_da_Ho]

No Bro, don't text her. But that does show you that she won't respond positively if you contact her. Go talk to some new women today.

[collegeguy_24]

I just wrote up a different email to her, and I saved it in my draft folder and I double checked to make sure I didn't actually send it. It does feel better, at least a little, to do this.

 

I will admit, I am tempted to just say screw it and contact her. I am honestly tired of the games, as to me NC seems like one big game. At the very least when we encounter each other there doesn't need to be avoidance and shame. I feel like if I extend an olive branch so to speak, while it won't necessarily get her back, it could help make things less awkward when we run into each other. Below is the new draft.

 

Hi Jen

 

Its been a while since we last talked to each other. I have come to believe that perhaps enough time has gone by that we no longer need to ignore the fact that the other exists. I wanted to see how your doing as I do miss talking with you. I wanted to see if we could perhaps try to re-open communication again as it has been about 4 months. I hope all is going well for you and I won't make this to long an email. I hope you have a pleasant day and to hear from you soon.

[Surfer203]

Good thing you didn't send it. Screw it. Why bother with her? You are a young college student, plenty of hot chicks around. You are a good guy as far as I can tell. Live your life. Don't dwell on the past.

[Banega100]

No Bro, don't text her. But that does show you that she won't respond positively if you contact her. Go talk to some new women today.

 

Talk to some women ! we all know how skilled you are after the Hallowee'n chat with that lady. Her number should be deleted unless you've memorised it. Go out and chat up some gals!

 

If you're depressed then look at the way you view yourself. How do you feel about yourself? What do you like about yourself? Come on bro !

[Don_da_Ho]

College, advice to you and others that read this: I would write your draft emails in a word processor so you don't inadvertently hit send instead of save. I've done that!

 

No, don't say "screw it" and send it. Bro, what you really want is her back, not to feel more comfortable when the two of you cross paths in public. Be honest. Good rationalizing on your part, but she's not coming back to you anytime soon if at all. Four months is certainly not enough time, especially when YOU still have strong feelings for her and want her back. Nothing good will come of it. There is no reason to "re-open" communication, particularly since she has a guy.

[collegeguy_24]

Well guess what, I ran into Jen, again. Thats makes 4 time today.

 

First two you guys saw, the thrid was on my way to class and the fourth was when I was in my car.

 

I don't think she saw me 3 of those four times, and the one time I'm not sure. My brother is convince she didn't see us this morning cause she looked to deep in thought, but I don't know, thats just his opinion.

 

I talked with my mom tonight and she say not to contact Jen through text or email, but to do it in person. She says I can walk up to her and say that I would like to start talking again as its been a while and I miss our conversations.

 

That advice surprised me to.

 

I still don't know what I am going to do about contact.

 

But today my brother was nice enough to joke, "Wow, God must hate you if he has been brining you two together in proximity but knows your both to scared to talk to the other."

 

I kicked him after that under the desk.

[Don_da_Ho]

Bro, I understand you value your Mother's advice, but I don't think you should approach your Ex in person. It's very high risk, especially for you. It will make for a very emotionally charged situation between you and your Ex and I don't think the outcome will be good ... nor are you really prepared to handle it.

 

I think you should look at all these "sightings" of her simply as your subconscious challenging you. Challenging you NOT to give in after all this time and great progress you've made. I DO NOT think it's a sign that you should contact her.

 

It's like there's a little devil on your shoulder saying "do it. just contact her". Bro, you know that's not the best course of action for you. Don't listen to the little devil. Do not be tricked by temptation. Keep moving forward as difficult as it is for you.

[collegeguy_24]

I agree with not going in person, as it can get awkward, not to mention when me and Jen see each other its usually from 25-100 feet away. It would be kind of creepy for me to go out of my way to approach her like that and certainly turn her off.

 

But Don, maybe I missed this, but is it ok if I ask for a more detailed explanation as why I should not contact her?

 

I mean I'm not going in there expecting to get her back. Sure I would love to have her back, but I just want to start talking again. I can handle just conversing with her as that won't be a problem. not to mention there are certain subjects I would most certainly stray from. But I really do miss the conversation. Just talking again would make me happy, I honestly believe that.

[Don_da_Ho]

Don, maybe I missed this, but is it ok if I ask for a more detailed explanation as why I should not contact her? I mean I'm not going in there expecting to get her back. Sure I would love to have her back, but I just want to start talking again. I can handle just conversing with her as that won't be a problem. not to mention there are certain subjects I would most certainly stray from. But I really do miss the conversation. Just talking again would make me happy, I honestly believe that.

 

Bro, what you REALLY want is to have her back. All of this talk about why you should contact her are just excuses to re-open communication with her with the intent of it working into a reconciliation. My concern is that you're giving yourself false hope, you tend to have depression and you're going down a very slippery slope. In plain English: you are setting yourself up for a big hurt and you don't need to go backwards after all the progress you've made.

 

What you miss is a relationship with her and talking to her WITHIN that relationship. You are no longer together and that relationship is changed and gone. There is no going back nor re-creating it. You think talking with her will make you happy, but it made you happy when you were together. It will not make you happy now because it is not the same.

 

By the way, you're becoming quite the master at rationalizing why you should contact her.

[collegeguy_24]

I am so confused. Part of me wants to really give it a shot. It worked for Jakub, may he burn in hell, so part of me wants to see if it can work for me to.

 

I am also just curious as to what she would say I will admit. I will wait a few more days to decide if I am going to do it. To test the waters so to speak even though everyone says I shouldn't.

 

Perhaps, if I go through with it, I'll send the email, and go out drinking with a friend of mine.

 

or I could do some actual school work, but really, who wants to do that lol

[Don_da_Ho]

Bro, don't send the email or contact her. At least see your counselor this week first. BTW, if everyone is telling you not to contact her, do you think it's a good idea to do it anyway?

[collegeguy_24]

UGH, This has been a bad morning! I want to rant, but first, to answer Don:

 

I do plan to see my counselor, I do not plan to do anything regarding Jen until I see him. Thats my first priority. But sadly my appointment is Friday morning at 11, so its just waiting till then.

 

Now if by some chance I come across her and we are close to each other when that happens, then I will say a simple Hi, hello, how are you etc. Just be polite before moving on. No need for me to be a dick.

 

If I contact her, I don't know. Right now I have so many thoughts swirling through my head, most not even related to her!

 

Now, to my rant for the day.

 

This morning sucks, first, I wake up late because my alarm clock never went off despite the fact I set it last night. So I scramble out the door.

 

Later, I collapse on the ground in pain on campus because I end up coughing so hard my legs and lower back gave out.

 

Then, as I am drinking coffee I start coughing again. This time I got really hot coffee coming out my nose, my mouth, and burning my face followed by some landing in my lap and burning my private area.

 

After that, my 8 page paper went missing on my computer! and its due today, so I ended up skipping my morning class to look for it and I was finally able to download the backup from my email after a half hour of not being allowed in.

 

Now I have a swollen spot on my head that hurts like helll.

 

Today really sucks.

[Leandro]

Now, to my rant for the day.

 

This morning sucks, first, I wake up late because my alarm clock never went off despite the fact I set it last night. So I scramble out the door.

 

Later, I collapse on the ground in pain on campus because I end up coughing so hard my legs and lower back gave out.

 

Then, as I am drinking coffee I start coughing again. This time I got really hot coffee coming out my nose, my mouth, and burning my face followed by some landing in my lap and burning my private area.

 

After that, my 8 page paper went missing on my computer! and its due today, so I ended up skipping my morning class to look for it and I was finally able to download the backup from my email after a half hour of not being allowed in.

 

Now I have a swollen spot on my head that hurts like helll.

 

Today really sucks.

Stupid alarm clocks. For some reason, my body will turn my alarm off while I sleep. But that really does suck.

[Banega100]

No good is going to come from speaking to her man. She's got a boyfriend.

 

I walk past my ex at least once a week. Today she squeezed through the door i was standing by. I used to say hey or whatever. But it's too much effort. Plus she's fcking some guy. So what the hell is the point.

 

Just ignore her man. You're better off without her, because youre gonna learn so much and come back alot more rounded. Even if it doesnt seem like it now...

[ChrisMc]

Wow.

 

Reading this thread, I feel for the OP, because so much of his story mirrors mine.

 

I posted on here months ago about having my heart broken by the first love I ever experienced. I tried rationalizing why it would work. I had Don Ho tell me how stupid I was being lol. I went into NC, but after two months, I sent letters, I bumped into her by "accident", I sent emails, I cried when we met up, I tried to be friends. I went to therapy. I neglected almost everything else in my life, my friends, my job, my family. I literally fell apart.

 

It took months for me to realize that there is nothing I could say or do to get her back. I won't say that second chances can't happen, because I know a few couples who did, but ****, the odds are so long, and when so much hurt and pain is involved, I don't see how it's possible.

 

One thing you need to realize is, things will never go back to the way they were.

 

My only advice collegeguy is to stay strong.

 

I'm not gonna say don't contact her. I mean, I will, but I know you won't listen. I sure as **** didn't when, literally, EVERY person in my life told me not to. You will ultimately do what you want, and nothing anyone says will make you think otherwise. I could show you a video of the future and how it will go badly if you follow this path, and you'll still want to.

 

I get it. ****, I more than get it. I am that guy, even still, 5 months after she left me.

 

Having said all this, I do have one tip, knowing you will do what you want regardless because that's the space you're in:

 

If you do meet up with her, do so with no expectations. That's the mistake I made. Just because she's no longer with you doesn't mean she doesn't care about you at all. She just doesn't care the way YOU want. She may just be meeting to ease her own guilt.

 

Also, DO NOT analyze things looking for clues she wants you back. My ex would say things like "if we're meant to be, we're meant to be" and "it's not like I'm giving someone else a chance and not yet" (meanwhile, she was sleeping with guys).

 

But more than anything else, I just wanted to say that I relate to the pain and suffering you feel, you're not the only one, and to keep your head up. Life will go on with or without you, and isn't it much better to be along for the ride than standing at the station waiting for a train that will likely never arrive?

[Don_da_Ho]

ChrisMc: are you sure I said that you're stupid? LOL. I probably told you that you were being a pussy and that contacting her, pleading, emailing and so on was going to just push her further away and not help your situation. But then if you totally ignored me, I might have called you stupid!

[collegeguy_24]

Merry Christmas to you all, my dear friends! I have some updates, and I will post them in the next couple days so be on the look out!

[collegeguy_24]

Well guys its been a long while, and I have some updates if your still reading this.

 

I broke NC and contact Jen a couple weeks before Christmas. I simply said I wanted to thank her for all her help in my internship, and I wanted to open communication so it wouldn't be so awkward when we run into each other in town.

 

SHe sent a message the next day, and said she wants to talk again to as she misses talking with me, and that she would also like to keep it electronic for now. SHe also said that she won't be available for much until the spring semester starts again because of holidays and family obligations. Then she went off on a long series of questions of what I am up to, how I am doing, what are my future plans, etc. She even asked if I will be staying in Bozeman, to which I replied yes.

 

After that we exchanged Christmas and New years texts, and thats it.

 

But I will say, after that, things have been better for me. I think about her less and less, and my relationship with the new person is getting better and better.

 

I honestly think that this time, breaking NC may have helped me.

 

Me and the new person are doing really well as well. She spent both Christmas and New Years with me and my family, numerous time over for dinner and hanging out with my friends. Things are going well.

 

I even gave up the option of dating other people, just dating her. So things seem to be going well for me.

 

However, I have noticed that I am a bit resistant about proclaiming our relationship on the ever infamous, Facebook. I don't know why, but I am, any ideas?

 

Other then that, not much else. I am not a college grad and still looking for a job, which she is helping me do. The sex is good

 

THings seem to be going well for me, relationship wise at least.

[Don_da_Ho]

Good for you Bro. Glad it's going well. Contacting your Ex was ok. It seems to have helped you put some closure on it. At least you waited long enough so you were not SO emotional and you developed things with the new woman. I would lay off contacting your Ex anymore for a while. Keep it going!

[Leandro]

I still read. I was starting to worry that you forgot about us, LOL.

 

It's good to hear that everything is going well. . Glad that you and the new girl are going well.

 

Not sure what to say about contacting Jen. Just keep it low I guess.

[collegeguy_24]

I haven't forgotten about you all, I just wanted you to enjoy the holidays without listening to me lol

 

As for contact with Jen, the ball is in her court now, I told her I wanted to open communication again, I answered her questions in the last email, so its her ball now. SHe said she wants communication again as she misses talking with me, so its in her court now.

 

If she doesn't take advantage of it, thats her problem. I am moving on, I told her when we first broke up all that time ago that I wasn't going to wait around forever. I believe that time has come.

 

In fact, my new years resolution was simple, it was to succeed. Whether its to succeed in my new relationship, or find a job and do well in that. I am not going to be held back with uncertainty.

 

If Jen wants another chance, she has to contact me, not the other way around.

 

So, how have you guys been since its been a while.

[Leandro]

 

So, how have you guys been since its been a while.

Mostly good. Still a bad day here and there. I will be starting school in a few weeks. NC still.

[collegeguy_24]

Right now I am so bloody frustrated

 

For the past several nights I have had no sleep because I've been dreaming about the ex, Jen. I thought I was over her, I really did.

 

After I sent her the email, and she responded with wanting to re-open communications again, I will admit, I was a little excited. But I haven't heard from her since the beginning of December. So I was like, 'You know what, if she says one thing, but then does the other, then its not worth my time.'

 

SO I went on with my life, I graduated, I am dating someone new, etc.

 

But lately I've been dreaming of her again. It seems like every time I seem to get over her, I seem ready to move, no thoughts of her, no dreams of her, nothing, it all comes back and hits me like a freight train.

 

Its pretty frustrating that this pattern just keeps repeating itself.

 

I am also frustrated because I've been looking for a job since November, and I still don't have one. I have little to no money, I live in my parents basement and drive their car because I have no money.

 

I've applied everywhere from museums to freaking Burger King and McDonalds, nothing.

 

Honestly I feel frustrated, and like a failure. I thought I was over her because I didn't think about her, didn't dream about her, then it all just returns out of no where.

 

I am frustrated because I am unemployed living with my parents and have to rely on them for everything. I am 25, I should be out there!

 

Sorry if this annoys you, I am just really frustrated right now.