What should I say?

[ar1]

Your advice really has no meaning.

 

Now the need to trash talk other members is because...? A**hole Award 2010, great job big guy. :hi5

 

It's only an ******* comment, because it's true. If I said something completely out there, I'd just be a nut job. Think about that...

 

If someone were trying to get over their alcoholism/drug habit, should they be taking advice from people who are also struggling with the problem? Sure some sort of support is fine, but should you really be following their lead?

[Don Ho]

If someone were trying to get over their alcoholism/drug habit, should they be taking advice from people who are also struggling with the problem? Sure some sort of support is fine, but should you really be following their lead?

 

You just proved our point, thanks. Why do you think AA has worked for millions of people? Because people with experience with substance issues help and support each other and those that don't have as much experience in dealing with their issues.

[Thorgs]

It's only an ******* comment, because it's true. If I said something completely out there, I'd just be a nut job. Think about that...

 

If someone were trying to get over their alcoholism/drug habit, should they be taking advice from people who are also struggling with the problem? Sure some sort of support is fine, but should you really be following their lead?

So you're saying LS is a waste and no one should be here. You'd rather us go to someone for advice who hasn't "been there"? Yeah, that sounds like a grand idea.

[collegeguy_24]

Another update.

 

Today was my first day of the new semester, and I expected to run into her, but I didn't. I looked up her school schedule which she gave me prior to the break up, before anyone thinks this is creepy, hear me out.

 

I looked it up to see what the chances were that her and I would see each other as we walked to class. That way I could mentally prepare myself and put on the fake happiness smile. Well, chances are pretty good we will see each other. Just not on Mondays cause she has no class on Mondays.

 

I went to my therapist today and asked about anti-depressants, and he said he doesn't think I am ready for them yet, and to hold off a little longer before I try something like that.

 

we also talked about my feelings, and I was completely honest with him. I love her, even after all of this, I still love her.

 

He asked why, and I explained, I love working on our dates, planning them out, ect. I loved watching her smile, our intelligent conversations, ect. I honestly believed that she could have been the one, especially with the hints she was throwing my way prior to the break up. I even told the guy about my list.

 

What my list is, is that it contains everything in my ideal, perfect woman. My first ex, Jess, only had two items, that was it. But Jen, my recent ex, had all of them. So the idea kind of hurt, cause I was hoping that if i made a list, I could see she is not perfect and thus move on. It backfired horribly.

 

Jen has everything I look for, she is intelligent, good personality, good heart, kind, good sense of humor, but also strong, defiant at times, and a thinker.

 

You can see why it backfired, which sucks.

 

Anyway back to my day, I asked if it was normal for me to still be hung up on her? to still have hope that we could get back together? or am I turning into an obsessive creep?

 

He said its normal, as he has helped people who have been holding out hope for years, some a few months, ect. It just takes time for each person to heal from the wound inflicted on the heart. He also said, taking into account what I told him about the breakup, about how her and I met each other twice since then, and her words and appearance. He said its possible she is depressed about the breakup, which can also explain her current illness.

 

She could be depressed, and in thinking mode, trying to discover what she wants in a relationship. She could possibly be at a crossroads, does she want to be with me, or does she want to try to move on. Both are a possibility, but we cannot know for sure. But also to not hope for it, as while it can be good, I could also suffer again if I get my hopes up and nothing happens.

 

Last I saw her, she was wreck, she also said she still cares for, still has feelings for me, she just isn't sure if its love, or not. She could be trying to discover that herself.

 

Also, because of her personalty, she may not contact me if she wants to give another try, because she may be afraid pf rejection.

 

Kind of puts me in a spot here. I can break NC and try to win her back, at the risk of sounding like a stalker because its so soon.

 

Or I can give it time, wait to see what develops in a few weeks to a month or two, depending on what happens, I can either contact her, or she will contact me. We can work on a friendship or we will have both moved on. Right now though he says time will have to tell.

 

I also am running on no sleep, as I kept dreaming about her last night. I tried desperation to dream of something else, including video games, it didn't work.

 

In my dream I was told to put on a blindfold, that way I could freely express my thoughts without fear of seeing the reaction on peoples faces. Well my friend brought in Jen to listen to me as I expressed how much I still care for her, asking all kinds of detailed questions. But I didn't know because of the blindfold. Well the dream ended with Jen giving us another try because of my feelings and she wants to explore and see if its possible to work out.

 

Kind of weird, I know, but your thoughts on this people will be appreciated.

[Don Ho]

Bro, I understand that you love her and want her back. I think you're going down the wrong path in hoping that you can win her back and headed for more heartache if you go that direction.

 

I don't know why your therapist said you're not ready for anti-depressants. I'm not a Dr., but I don't agree with that. I would talk to your regular Dr. My regular Dr. has prescribed things like Zanax to ease my anxiety when my previous GF cheated on me and dumped me. I took them for a few months to get through that time and it helped. He's a cool Dr. I just think anti-depressants would give you a better "floor" so your moods don't go so low. They can also relieve your anxiety, obsessive thoughts and improve your mood. I would encourage you to see your GP and talk to him. You tell him you think they might help and work WITH him about his professional opinion and which ones.

 

The other part I don't like about therapists is that unless they're really good and know what they're doing, they can lead a patient in the wrong way. It sounds to me like your therapist was "suggesting" to you that it could work out with you and Jen. Again, I'm not a therapist, but given how strongly you re-acted last week after seeing Jen, I think I would be encouraging you to work through the breakup and how to go forward with your life. Whether she is depressed, confused or whatever, I don't think that means you should wait around for her nor put much weight into those comments. Again, I think when you are told about her possible mental state, that leads you to believe there is a window open with her and a possibility of reconciliation. I DO NOT think that's a good way for you to think. I believe you need to admit and accept that it is over and that you need to move on with your life because that is what is best for YOU. I hope being so direct with you doesn't make you depressed, just trying to help keep you on the right track and it seems like you've been doing better.

[collegeguy_24]

Being direct is fine, sometime bluntness is needed. I can also understand that I need to move on, but I can't stop loving her. She literally was the happiest time of my life, cause the majority of my life is rather depressing. SHe gave me great joy, not even my first ex could do that.

 

I know I need to move on, but at the same time I can only see myself with her. I honestly don't know how I can move on from that. I really would like it if she came back, and I would trade anything to have her back. I just wish there was some methods that could work, or any advice on how to do so. If you have any, please let me know.

 

Also, I dont think I am ready to date yet. I told him that today, that when I tried, I actually talked to women, all I could think about was my ex. Not out of loyalty, but it was like my own heart was screaming don't do it! My heart and my mind are going in so many different directions I dont know which to follow.

[Don Ho]

Good. Glad you didn't take it as an insult as I'm trying to help you. Of course you can't stop loving her. You probably always will to some degree. The majority of your life has been depressing. Now that's an issue you need to work on. I was very much like you at your age. You need to find a way to be fulfilled and happier with your life. That is something you should definitely talk about with your therapist. The problem is when you make someone the sole reason for your happiness or living, then if or when it doesn't work out, then, as you have seen, your whole world collapses. That's not good and not a good way to live your life. Now a woman can add icing to your cake, but you have to make your own cake (life) and be happy with it as best you can.

 

I don't know that you can get her back bro. Plus, I know you don't see this right now, but I don't think that's what's best for you and your mental health. As much as you might think it, I don't think even if you got her back your life would be perfect and you would be totally happy. I think you would find you were missing something .... being complete and content with yourself.

 

It occurs to me while writing this that you used her as an emotional crutch to keep you out of your depression and make you happy. That's not such a good way to live and A LOT of responsibility and weight for another person to carry. As much as it hurts, I think you need to really look with your therapists about your depression and what you're depressed about.

 

That's cool if you're not ready to date and I do understand that as I have been there too. Of course your heart and mind are going in all different directions. That's normal. I think you really need to focus on YOU and getting yourself happier, in a better position and on the road to a more fulfilled life. Hang in there bro. If I got through it, you can too.

[collegeguy_24]

I actually believe I know the reason I am so depressed. You see, I was raised with the ethic, if you work hard you will be rewarded.

 

Well I spent my entire life working hard, yet I have never been rewarded. For example, for the past 6 years I have worked my ass off in college, sacrificing time with friends to study, write papers, and prepare for exams. Yet all I can managed is C's and D's. No matter how hard I work I can never get an A unless its a super easy class. Whereas my brother hardly puts any work into anything and he gets A's like its free candy. That depresses me because I put so much effort into something and yet I can never reach that threshold of excellence, whereas people who put no work can easily do so.

 

One of the few things I am actually good at is relationships, I am really good and making a woman happy. Plus, all I really want is the love and respect of the woman I am giving the same to. Seeing Jens smile always made me happy. at the same time I have standards, she has everything I look for in a woman. Whereas women of the past either don't have what I want, or are to flaky for me to give a damn.

 

I feel depressed cause most of my life is either filled with failures, or barely passing. That also doesn't count my family life. I have thought hard and long about what makes me happy in my life, and I realized that I was at my happiest when I was with Jen. I truly was. We had our moments, where we were both unhappy, but we always worked them out and were happy again. She is a good person, and she , moved a little fast in our relationship, but as I got used to it, and had time to think. I realized that was what i wanted.

 

When she said I am the kind of guy she wants to marry someday, My first thought was holy crap, she is moving fast. But as our relationship evolved, I realized that I can see a future with her, a good future and that was what I stride for.

 

Thats why I want her back, and am willing to go to any lengths, to do anything, to achieve that, cause I honestly see a future with her, and I know she did in fact love me, and she still has feelings for me even if they are muddled in confusion at the moment. I also know she is afraid, and that it may have contributed to the breakup. I hope what I said makes sense, cause it sounded better in my head.

[collegeguy_24]

Sorry, double post.

[Don Ho]

No bro, it was not that you were raised with that ethic, I think it is that you view your lack of success in certain areas as failure in your parents eyes. Your parents view success in work, school and so on as important. Some people are just not wired that way. I really doubt your parents love you less because of where you are in life and how you performed in certain areas. THIS is a subject that you need to delve into with your therapist.

 

So you take your perceived failure or difficulty and project it into your relationship where you feel you have been successful. You have put a lot of energy into relationships so you can feel valued. I think if you put all your emotional eggs in one basket, i.e. relationships or Jen then you are destined to be very heartbroken and depressed when it doesn't work out. Like I said, I don't think you can make your relationship with a woman the core of your happiness and the one thing that makes you happy. I do get what you're saying bro. I think you really need to work on this issue with your therapist. You have too much riding on this woman and will with any woman in the future. That is a precarious position to put yourself into.

[collegeguy_24]

I know its kinda tricky, and I have another thought I want to discuss with you. I posted this in another thread but I will post it here as well.

 

My ex does have a fear of rejection, she admitted it during our relationship and it was a common occurrence, but we always worked through it. I talked with my therapist about this, and my brother, and I want to know what you think.

 

She did say, more then once, she still has feelings for me, she just doesn't know if its love, or something else, thats why she broke up, so she could explore those feelings without taking advantage of my kindness.

 

And from my understanding at the moment, she is quite miserable ever since the break up. Now on the off chance she does want me back, she may be to afraid to contact me out of fear of being rejected and her heart being hurt even worse. Even though we really knew each other, the break up was still very emotional for us both, and she cried during the break up, and both times we've met since. She tries to be strong, or give the appearance, but she can also be quite fragile.

 

One thing I discussed last night with Biaxident, was that I should give it time. My birthday is October 3rd, which is a little more then a month away, and a month and few weeks since we last talked with each other.

 

We were thinking that it may be a good idea to contact her after my Birthday, and while I wont mention the relationship in particular, I can at least see how she is doing and if there is hope, see what I can do. But if she has moved on by then, then I know I will have no choice but to move on as well. Of course, this is assuming she hasn't contacted me by then as well, which is always a possibility, you never know what life may surprise you with.

 

I also know this is risky to my emotional well being, and the reason I am waiting is for a few reasons.

 

One reason is to give my self time to grieve and to move on, focus on my school work and my job. Clear my head a little and she can also have the same chance.

 

The second reason is is to see how I am feeling at that time. I may just want a friendship by that point, or I may want to try for another relationship. There is also the possibility that with so much time gone by I may want nothing to do with her at all. It hurts to type it, but I have to consider all possibilities.

 

Also, i am getting anti depressants soon, next week or this weekend, and that may also help change things a little.

[Don Ho]

Bro, I hate to say it, but I think you're holding on to a false hope and trying to rationalize contacting her. I firmly believe if a woman REALLY wants to be with you, she WILL let you know. I just don't think the argument that she is afraid of rejection or too shy to contact you holds any water. Also, just because she was also "in pieces" and cried does not mean she wants you back. It merely means that she is upset by the breakup and does not want to hurt you. It is no indication of anything else. Please stop reading into it. I agree you should move on .... at least until October 3rd as a minimum.

 

I am quite concerned that you are building yourself up for another big fall. Contacting her around your B-day could be a double whammy and that is setting yourself up for a big, big let down. Focus on your school and get out there and socialize. Please do not delude yourself or talk yourself into waiting for her emotionally.

Edited August 31, 2010 by Don Ho

[collegeguy_24]

Well, I have been going over everything told to me on this site, and I had a pep talk with my mom, first time she was good at it, and I am feeling better. It is normal to go through the stages of losing a relationship, but instead of going from depression to acceptance, I am stuck in depression. So to get out it, I am going to do a re-wind.

 

I am going back to the stage that attracted Jen to me in the first place, not just to re-attract her, but to make myself feel good. At that point in my life, I felt great pride in being who I am, and I was that way throughout most of our relationship.

 

I will start to once again take pride in my appearance, I will wear nice cloths, I will shave often, work on my skin, stand up straight. I will smile and be friendly, I will seek out new people and expand my social circle to have new friends.

 

I am not ready to date others yet, but I can start by moving on. If Jen wants another try at our relationship, she can contact me. Till then I will go NC, I will be the best man I can be like I used to in the past. Already I can feel the change in how I am, and how I am feeling. It feel good. This is what attracted her to me in the first place, maybe I can have a re-peat performance, if not, then at least I can make myself feel good and prideful by being the man I am meant to be.

 

I will keep this updated as I go through this re-discovery of who I am.

[Don Ho]

Good job bro and good thinking! That is exactly the point after a break up: working on yourself. Too many people let themselves go mentally and physically once they're in a relationship for a while. A good friend of mine stated it very simply: physical attributes are everything. Not quite, but you get the point. If you're out of shape, overweight and don't keep your appearance up, what makes you think you would continue to keep your mate attracted?

 

So, yes you need to buy new clothes, go to the gym, watch your diet, work on your confidence, socialize, take up new interests, make new friends and so on. But PLEASE be honest with yourself and tell me that you're going to do all of this for YOU and not with the idea of getting Jen back. That, I suppose, could be an additional exterior motivation, but it really has to be about you and you have to go into dedicated that you are working on improving yourself for YOU. Yes, if you do all that and it does not work out with Jen, by that point you will be ready for the next Miss Awesome!

[collegeguy_24]

To answer your question, yes, I am doing this for me. I am tired of being miserable, tired of being depressed.

 

If i attract Jen back to me, that would be great and I would literally be the happiest guy in the world. But if all she wants is to remain friends, then you are correct, by that point I will be back to my old self and living my life.

 

 

I still love her, that is without a doubt, but I need to do this for myself, instead of mopping and and being a monster, I can man up, and be happy, or at least try to.

[Don Ho]

Bro, you must do it for yourself. Once you get your old confident self back and find the new you, then you may find that another Miss Wonderful drops in your lap making you equally or even more happy. At that point, Jen may not be that important.

[collegeguy_24]

Well today is a new day. I still miss Jen incredibly, and I want to see her, hold her, and kiss her, and tell her how much I love her.

 

But I am also doing something different, I am wearing good clothes, I am walking up straight and with a smile, I am getting my old self back. Its not easy, but I can feel the difference already. I know it will take time to get there, but today is off to a good start, and if I can keep this up, I know I will succeed.

[Don Ho]

Well today is a new day. I still miss Jen incredibly, and I want to see her, hold her, and kiss her, and tell her how much I love her. But I am also doing something different, I am wearing good clothes, I am walking up straight and with a smile, I am getting my old self back. Its not easy, but I can feel the difference already. I know it will take time to get there, but today is off to a good start, and if I can keep this up, I know I will succeed.

 

Good job bro! Sometimes the simplest changes can make a big difference. If you haven't already, go buy some Axe body wash, good shampoo, Crest white strips, hair gel and all that good stuff at somewhere like Walmart. Go to Marshalls or one of the discount clothiers and buy some inexpensive clothes, Hurley T-shirts and so on. You can do most of that for under $100. Keep clean shaven, go get some sun and go exercise. Of course you miss her, that will get easier it just takes time. You're on the right track .... soldier on!

[collegeguy_24]

Well, I am back at square one, and let me explain.

 

My ex, Jen Classen is her name, just announced she is in a relationship. This hurts like hell, and makes me angry as hell. She told me she wasn't going to date an entire semester so she could find herself, and she gave me false hope of us getting back together.

 

This is the guy she has been in contact with since before she started dating me, and the fact that it is so soon hurts me badly.

 

Her and I just ended a text war on our cell phones, and I know its wrong to do so, but it felt so good. I hope she is hurting for all the pain she caused me.

 

I just kicked her off my facebook, I just deleted her number on my phone, and I am now completely free of her and her path of destruction. No more chains, no more binds.

 

I will now live my life as I see fit, without putting her in the equation at all. My pain right now is monumental, but I will live on, I will survive, and for many reasons.

 

I will live on so I can watch as her new relationship fails, I will live on so I can have the satisfaction of knowing I will succeed, and I will live on because I am the most stubborn man alive.

 

Right now, I am in to much pain and to much anger to post all the details, When I am calm down, I will do so.

[Don Ho]

Sorry to hear that Bro. You have the right attitude now. Maybe that's what you needed to hear before you finally decided to move on. A harsh blow and I can understand how upsetting and painful it is, but you will be fine. Keep your anger and express it. They say not expressing anger just makes you internalize it and that makes you depressed. Besides, when you think about her or miss her, there's hardly any better help that thinking "that &%(*%# lying, little &(#@((% !! " Now you know the truth. Hang in there.

[collegeguy_24]

It was a pain, and it hurts, but you know what, It brought me back to reality. There is no reconciliation, if she wants it in the future, she will see just how quick she is shown the door. Her and her new BF have been in contact since before we dated, and I accused her of cheating on me, maybe not physically, but emotionally, cause she admitted to it once before and I took her back. That was mistake, I see that now.

 

Her mom in on my facebook friends list, and I am going to send her a message later today, thanking her for her kindness she has shown me since we met, but also explain that I am de-friending her cause I know she will choose her daughter over me, no matter what she has done. It the least I can do for a woman who has shown me great kindness.

 

Below is the entire transcript of last night between me and Jen as we text wared each other, I would like to hear others thoughts on this. Also, this is post me find out she has a new BF.

 

Me: Tomorrow I want to give you back your book. Give me a time and place and I will be there.

 

Jen: You can drop it off at the front desk of my dorm, whatever.

 

Me: I hope you are happy with the pain you caused me, you didn't even wait a month. Were you cheating on me with him?

 

Jen: Keep the ****ing book *******.

 

Me: I did everything for you and you treated me like crap and you even said you were going to wait to find yourself. Did you really think I would react positively to this?

 

Jen: I was hoping you'd be mature.

 

Me: I really loved you and you caused me pain by lying to me, by keeping secrets from me! Your the one who is immature, stabbing men in the back. I am done, I loved you and was happy when you said it to. Then you do this! How am I supposed to react?

 

Jen: Don't you dare try to guilt trip me again. I'm happy with the guy I'm with. If you can't accept that, go **** yourself.

 

Me: 3 weeks! You cheated on me with him and you say to not guilt trip you? You deserve it! I gave you everything and you threw me away. You need help more then I do, you have issues. I loved you but you killed it, I wish you the best of luck in your life cause you are going to need it.

 

Jen: I said it once and I'll say it again. I DIDN'T ****ING CHEAT ON YOU! I'm beginning to wish I had though.

 

Me: Really? So you fell enough for this guy in the time from when you dumped me to now? Short time span. I am in misery, I was willing to do everything to get you back, but now that I see this, I don't. You said you were not going to date for a semester to find yourself, what happened to that? What makes him better then me after all I did for you?

 

Jen: I didn't say i wasn't going to date a semester.

 

Me: Yes you did. You told me you didn't know what you wanted in a relationship, and that you still cared for me but didn't love me. You told me, twice, that you were not going to date so that you can explore your feelings and try to find in yourself what you truly wanted. I respected that, and I wanted to wait and see if you wanted another try with us later on. Or at the very least a friendship, cause I believed you were a good person at heart and I admired that. The fact it is so soon hurts me, and you should know seeing as we saw each last week. Making you happy made me happy, seeing you smile made me happy, call it weird if you want but its true. I would like to know, why did you decide to see someone so soon, and how long have you cared for him?

 

Jen: This isn't healthy, goodbye.

 

Me: No it isn't. I am done with you and your path of destruction. I predict the same fate will befall your new BF because that is what you do. Goodbye and live a nice life.

 

 

Thats it.

 

Keep in mind the cheating accusations, even though she denied it, during the 4th of July weekend, she admitted to having an emotional affair with someone else. Not physical, but mental and emotional. And like an idiot I took her back. I never should have done that, the pain would have been considerably less then it is now.

 

I know I may sound like a jerk in my texts to her, but after all the hell she put me through, I needed to vent. I knew I was going to cut her out completely anyway, so I figured why not go out with a bang. I can at least take some satisfaction knowing that I ruined her big day, her first day in a new relationship, her night with him. I am glad I ruined it, I feel vindicated.

 

I don't feel even most certainly, and there are plenty of things I can do to get back at her. But I'm not going to do them, starting today I will take my first steps forward into a brave new world. The old me, the nice guy, is gone, at least temporarily, and a new me will emerge. I had a life before her, and I will have a life after her. I will find a new woman, I will find a woman who will respect and love me as I do the same for her.

 

Jen was a user, a lier, even though she denies it. She ruins men, something of her own admonition before. One of her BFs actually went into intense therapy before me, because of all the damage she has done. I am done, I am moving on. It hurts to do so, cause I loved her so much, and I think a part of me always will, but whats done is done. It is over.

[NoneTheWiser]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]College, I’ve been in your position. Long ago I was in love with a girl. Engaged to be married then 6 months before the wedding she cheated on me. Like a fool I was willing to take her back, she wanted out. Needless to say we didn’t get married. Like you, I had the range of emotions, anger, hatred, depression, sorrow, sadness (you get the idea). I didn’t think that I would ever find anyone else to match her. 2 years after the breakup I meet another girl at college and WOW. We have been married 23 years and she is still my best friend (in fact we are going on a ‘date’ tonight). PLEASE, PLEASE have faith that as good as you thought your relationship was with Jen there will be something so much better out there waiting for you. College, learn and heal from this relationship then move on. The love of your life is out there…. and maybe it’s not Jen[/sIZE][/FONT]

[collegeguy_24]

After seeing our argument over the text messages, do you think its possible she could contact me in the future and still not hate my guts?

 

Also, I am not sure if your still reading this, but Don Ho, can I have your thoughts as well on my last post? as well as the thoughts on anyone else who is reading this.

[Don Ho]

Yep. I'm still on this one Bro. Well, you were pissed and let her have it. At least you know for sure where the two of you stand. I wouldn't start obsessing over what you said and if she'll hate you in the future. Keep moving forward College, you're gonna be just fine.

[Griffey]

Honestly, she seems awful for how she's acting. You will do way better man, just give it time and work on yourself. Things are gonna suck for a while, but the best revenge is to live well.