What should I say?

[Don Ho]

But the one question I will ask, without a doubt, is what does she want with me? Cause she is leading me in all these different directions I don't know which way I am being pulled anymore.

Thoughts?

 

I'm still concerned that you're not emotionally prepared to see her and deal with it. Hopefully my concerns are for nothing. You know the answer to "what does she want"? She wants to explain she was not cheating and she wants to make herself not feel so guilty. It's about her, not about you. Bro, I don't think she's pulling you in different directions, she just wants to have the post break up conversation with you so SHE (and possibly you) can feel "better" about the situation. I still think in the back of your mind you're hoping and thinking she'll come back. Just be realistic Bro. Hang in there.

[PegNosePete]

What she says is irrelevant. It's what she does that matters.

It's over between the 2 of you. What's the point in saying anything more?

Who cares if she did or didn't cheat, or if you believe her or not? It won't change anything.

Don is right, she only wants the conversation so that she will feel better. It will do no good for you. You need to forget her and move forwards with your life, not backwards.

[Don Ho]

College, I know you will meet her. But please talk to your family and friends at length about making sure you do not fall apart after meeting her. Don't over estimate your emotional strength at this time. Like I said before, we don't want to see you fall into a deep depression like last month. Did you have any luck on the anti-depressants?

[collegeguy_24]

Her new BF facebook says he is in a relationship with her, as her name is on there. I look at that on occasion to remind myself that she is not looking for reconciliation in terms of our relationship.

 

It helps keep me from getting my hopes up, I have already resolved to go, find out what she wants, possibly get some answers, and then leave. Cause I still think she cheated on me, so I will give her the time to explain her rationale behind her actions.

 

The question as to whether or not I will ask the rest of the questions will have to wait till her and I actually meet, but I posted the possible questions here cause I wanted insight on them. Thanks for that by the way, having different opinions helps.

 

Even if she is doing this for her, I can still gain insight, which actually helps me cause thats how my mind works. Sad but true.

 

I want her back, I truly do, but if I can't have her, then I will move on. I did once before she contacted me again. For a whole week and a half, I talked with women, flirted with them, and enjoyed life before she contacted me again. Now that I know I am able to do so, then regardless how the meeting goes, I will move on. Whether its with her, or without her.

 

Besides, even if I don't get Jen back, then are there options. There is one woman who has been flirting with me in class, she made it pretty blatant at times last night during class. She is not as good looking as Jen, which is kinda sad, but she appears to have a good personality and she is smart, both are pluses. So you see, I have options.

 

I still care about Jen, and part of me always will. She also appears desperate to want to talk with me, so I will allow her. I am doing this on my terms, not hers. For far to long everything has been on her terms, now its on mine.

 

Emotionally I will be fine, I already told my brother this morning that I will not fall back into depression, I refuse. I spent enough time depressed, I won't spend another minute more.

 

I am also hoping to learn something from this. Cause think about it, I have dated two women in my life, one cheated on me, the other I am convinced has, but I have no proof yet. I am hoping to learn from this, to find out just why this keeps happening to me, and to prevent it from happening in the future. Thats what my therapist says I should do. This will be a learning experience.

 

I will also listen to everything everyone says on here, cause you guys have been my support for so long, I trust you all. Any advice is welcome, any at all.

[collegeguy_24]

College, I know you will meet her. But please talk to your family and friends at length about making sure you do not fall apart after meeting her. Don't over estimate your emotional strength at this time. Like I said before, we don't want to see you fall into a deep depression like last month. Did you have any luck on the anti-depressants?

 

The anti-depressants helped a little, then I stopped taking them. I started to feel confidant and like I could live my life again, so I stopped. My family and friends are supportive, except for my mom, she doesn't want me to talk with Jen. My friends, including the female ones, say to talk to her, but be on guard, and that they will be there for me when I need them.

[Don Ho]

I don't think you would be getting the effect only a week or two on the Rx. I think it takes a month to get fully in your system. Maybe they WERE working and that's why you're feeling better and you don't realize it. You should not just stop taking AD. You should talk to your Dr about it. I'm not a Dr., and I don't play one on LS, but I think they could help you in the long run and you would feel better. Your call with your Dr.

[collegeguy_24]

I'll take your advice and talk to him as soon as possible about them. That way if I do end up an emotional wreck again, I can have them on hand immediately. Even though I doubt I will be a wreck, maybe having them can help me deal with my obsessive thought process a bit.

 

But yeah, I think Sunday will go well. I just need to remember, I have options now, I am a man, I have pride and dignity, I will not grovel, I will not beg and plead like I did in the past.

 

I will be calm, polite, but firm in my stance. I can negotiate, but I won't give in completely. I actually read a series of articles like this on askmen, its by the Mafioso, they actually provide sound advice on how to handle myself in this situation, as well as other life situations.

 

And thanks for all your time Don ho, as well as everyone else. You guys have helped me a lot, and I would like to continue our conversations on this thread for a while cause it really helps me keep things in perspective.

[collegeguy_24]

well, news, I made a new female friend!

 

We are not going on a date, and not interested in each other that way, but we are just working on a friendship. It makes me feel good, cause not only am I expanding my social circle, I am talking to women again. I feel good.

 

Expanding my circle is really helping me, I also reconnected with another friend of mine today, one I haven't seen all summer. this is turning out to be great day.

[collegeguy_24]

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I have come to an impotent conclusion.

 

I am going to forgive Jen.

 

I don't know if I am going to tell her or not, but I will forgive her. I am not going to forgive her for her though, or in some misguided attempt to get her back.

 

No, I am going to forgive her for me, as I have come to realize that while it is normal to be upset at what happened, carrying around all this hurt, anger, resentment, sadness, and so many other emotions can only do me harm in the long run.

 

If we get back together in the future, great, if we don't, thats fine as well. But I need t let go of all these emotions and forgiveness can help me with that. Thoughts on this is welcome, as this is a new concept for me.

[PegNosePete]

I think you've discovered what "closure" really is. It's not something you say to your ex, or something they say to you. It's something you feel inside yourself.

[Don Ho]

That's fine if you feel that way. I wouldn't tell her because I don't think it will be productive. Also, make sure you keep your emotions in check and don't get verbal diarrhea saying everything you have bottled up inside.

[collegeguy_24]

I won't show my emotions. I will go in there with indifference, not mad, angry, crying, or anything.

 

I will be blank and indifferent.

 

I feel better now that I've forgiven her, it will still take some time obviously, but its a good start. I truly feel that if things don't work out, I can now move on, and it feels good.

 

If she doesn't want me, there are women who do, if the flirting going on in class has been any indication : )

 

But I will admit, I am nervous about the meeting and what will be said, especially by her. By I feel that no matter the outcome, I will still come out good. I have a lot of friends, both here in town and on this site, that are behind me and have given me massive support.

[Billie The Puppet]

I won't show my emotions. I will go in there with indifference, not mad, angry, crying, or anything.

 

I will be blank and indifferent.

 

I feel better now that I've forgiven her, it will still take some time obviously, but its a good start. I truly feel that if things don't work out, I can now move on, and it feels good.

 

If she doesn't want me, there are women who do, if the flirting going on in class has been any indication : )

 

But I will admit, I am nervous about the meeting and what will be said, especially by her. By I feel that no matter the outcome, I will still come out good. I have a lot of friends, both here in town and on this site, that are behind me and have given me massive support.

 

Great Attitude so far. Hope this helps you move on and heal. Though I think it may be hard to be indifferent and ask the questions you had posted earlier. Personally I don't think it is good to premeditate a conversation I think you should just let it flow and listen to what she has to say.

[NoneTheWiser]

College, I’ve been reading your post, even commented once, it sounds like you are heading in the right direction, the forgiveness is a big step and going into meeting her on Sunday with the attitude of indifference, knowing that you can move on is a good sign. Also, you have been given some sound advice from Don_Ho and others including your Mom and Dad put it to good use. Best of luck on Sunday and let us know how it went.

[collegeguy_24]

Hey guys, I have a question I would like answered as soon as possible.

 

I was talking to my brother earlier today, and he mentioned this.

 

He said that when I meet Jen tomorrow at 2PM, I should tell her at some point during the conversation, that I have had women approach me either for sex, and dates,and I declined because she led me on with hope we could get together. I should tell her that her time is running out to make a decision, and that I am going to stop saying no.

 

WHat do you all think? I think it may be a bad idea, but others thoughts are appreciated.

 

Also, any last minute advice to follow?

[Billie The Puppet]

Hey guys, I have a question I would like answered as soon as possible.

 

I was talking to my brother earlier today, and he mentioned this.

 

He said that when I meet Jen tomorrow at 2PM, I should tell her at some point during the conversation, that I have had women approach me either for sex, and dates,and I declined because she led me on with hope we could get together. I should tell her that her time is running out to make a decision, and that I am going to stop saying no.

 

WHat do you all think? I think it may be a bad idea, but others thoughts are appreciated.

 

Also, any last minute advice to follow?

 

Nah that will come off us you trying to make her look jealous and never mention sex with another it's a turn off. I mean it looks to much like a get back together scheme she will see right through it. Now if she asks what you have been doing as of late you can say something like been casually dating but nothing really serious has developed but lots of potential.

[Don Ho]

He said that when I meet Jen tomorrow at 2PM, I should tell her at some point during the conversation, that I have had women approach me either for sex, and dates,and I declined because she led me on with hope we could get together. I should tell her that her time is running out to make a decision, and that I am going to stop saying no. WHat do you all think?

 

NO!!! Do not tell her anything like that!! First, she will see right through it and know you're lying and think you're full of sh$$t. Second, you should not give her an ultimatum, especially when you're the Dumpee!

 

I think you better set up a second meeting or appointment or something with a friend, your family, a girl, whatever at 2:30pm. Be at least 5 minutes late. When you get there, after you say "Hi" to Jen, be the first to to speak and tell her "Hey I've only got a little bit, my friend just called and I have to go help out with XYZ". Or something believable.

 

DO NOT let this conversation go longer than 20 minutes. If it starts going badly tell her you have to leave to meet your friend. At 2:30 tell her you HAVE to go (even if it is going well or ok). Be the first to leave and do it. DO NOT spill your guts out to her no matter what she says. Keep it short Bro, it will only benefit you.

 

DO NOT give a big good bye, "feel good" hug or any hug. Shake her hand!! That will throw her off balance. Hit us up in the a.m. before you go.

[Billie The Puppet]

NO!!! Do not tell her anything like that!! First, she will see right through it and know you're lying and think you're full of sh$$t. Second, you should not give her an ultimatum, especially when you're the Dumpee!

 

I think you better set up a second meeting or appointment or something with a friend, your family, a girl, whatever at 2:30pm. Be at least 5 minutes late. When you get there, after you say "Hi" to Jen, be the first to to speak and tell her "Hey I've only got a little bit, my friend just called and I have to go help out with XYZ". Or something believable.

 

DO NOT let this conversation go longer than 20 minutes. If it starts going badly tell her you have to leave to meet your friend. At 2:30 tell her you HAVE to go (even if it is going well or ok). Be the first to leave and do it. DO NOT spill your guts out to her no matter what she says. Keep it short Bro, it will only benefit you.

 

DO NOT give a big good bye, "feel good" hug or any hug. Shake her hand!! That will throw her off balance. Hit us up in the a.m. before you go.

 

Everything here is a must I swear you must have wrote or read the one ebook I did buy!

 

Keep it Short is right and you have to end it!

[collegeguy_24]

How will it be to my benefit to keep it short and the like?

[Don Ho]

Come on Bro, you should know this.... it raises your value and prevents disaster. It's like dating 101A. When you meet a woman, the first thing you say is "Hey, I only have a minute, I have to get back to my friends, but ...."

 

YOU want to be in control of the situation and the time. It raises YOUR value by showing her there's something else more important that you have to go do than "talk" with her for an hour. You're a busy guy with a life, right? Then act like it. You want HER to think she's not that important. It takes BALLS Bro, and even though you feel like she's important, you DO NOT want her to think or know or show that she's important. Get it?

 

DO NOT spend more than 20 minutes, even if (very unlikely) she tells you she can't live without you!! Be sure YOU are the one to end the meeting and be sure YOU shake hands with her before she tries to hug you. DO NOT hug her!! DO NOT tell you love her or you always will love her! Why??

 

1. This will spin her out, which will give you a sense of control and make you feel better.

 

2. YOU will save your dignity, feel better and be proud that you handled business like a MAN.

 

I swear if you do not handle it like I'm advising I'm going to kick your a$$!

[collegeguy_24]

Ok, I'll give it a shot, and I will post here how it goes.

 

I did not plan to say I still love her, cause even though I still do, I want her to think I am moving on. I want her to think she has a real good possibility of losing me cause on askmen they say if I do that, then she is more likely to pursue later on. And it saves me my pride and dignity, which is also important.

 

I am also a little scared as to how the meeting will go, of what he will bring up and what I will say.

[Don Ho]

Please Bro. Stick to that program. You have nothing to lose by doing it and much to gain. If the situation gets bad, you have already built in an "out" and an excuse to leave. If it goes ok, she will respect you and you will respect yourself. IF (highly unlikely) she falls at your feet, she will only want you more because you demonstrated your value to her. If nothing else, it will make her scratch her head and wonder WTF happened to you!! LOL. Make sure you make the first good bye move and make sure you shake her hand.

[collegeguy_24]

Like I said, I'll give it a shot. But my nervousness is really getting to me. I highly doubt she'll want another go, in fact I'm not even going to bring it up. I'll let her do that. I'm just going to listen cause she said she has things she needs to say.

 

I will respond when needed.

[Billie The Puppet]

Like I said, I'll give it a shot. But my nervousness is really getting to me. I highly doubt she'll want another go, in fact I'm not even going to bring it up. I'll let her do that. I'm just going to listen cause she said she has things she needs to say.

 

I will respond when needed.

 

First Bold: It's something natural because you are seeing you ex but try to get a hold of your self and keep your emotions in check. She's a woman so she'll be able to read your body language but it's natural on your first meetup since to show signs which is another reason to keep it short.

 

Second Bold: That's right you can't do so and you need to prepare yourself not to do so mentally keep telling yourself do not bring up "us". The dumpee can never chase unless a significant amount of time has passed like a few years but It's always best to let the woman chase it keeps your status above pussy as Don would say

 

Third Bold: Paying attention to her is also a must but truly listen to what she has to say.

 

I would even go as far as forgetting there is another guy and not bring him up it will only make you look stronger, of course if she brings it up don't get defensive.

[Don Ho]

Of course you're nervous Bro. That's one reason you have to have a good game plan. Did you say coffee makes you relax? If so, get one somewhere else an hour or so before.

 

I was thinking maybe you should have a drink or two. You could then always tell her you met your friends at XYZ or "your friends" house to watch a game and you have to get back. Maybe you should have a Xanex if you have any or a friend that has one.

 

I wouldn't get into the conversation about another guy or if she cheated or any of that. It really doesn't matter, will not make you feel any better and you will just appear less confident doing so. Remember, you are the MAN, so you don't care if she's seeing another guy. Your attitude and maybe your statement to her should be "cool. good luck with that". DO NOT let her get into talking about her dude like you're one of her GFs! Change the subject or tell her what I just said.