What should I say?

[Billie The Puppet]

I'm going to be a little more critical than Don Ho but it is not to disrespect you it's just so others can learn and take from this. Firstly I don't think you were fully prepared and I can tell you this because reading it because I saw me and my ex in your situation and I know I am not fully prepared. I want to be able to learn from this just in case I ever get a chance to meet up with my ex. Did you apply the keep it short idea? To me it seems like you had mixed intentions with this meeting 1 for closure and 2 to possibly reconcile. I think this is a mistake you should have chosen one or the other. I am also going to say that it seems more like it was to regain her as a significant other because you have asked if there is any methods to do so. If this was truly your intention than you went wrong in a few areas. What I am about to do is easier said than done because emotions come to play. Bold text below is your own non bold is my criticism again I hope you don't mind.

 

I arrive late, but she is not there, so I take a seat and wait. I am sitting outside in the heat, cause no one else is there and we can have privacy. I see her across the street, waiting for traffic to stop so she can cross.

 

• You did good by arriving late and now you can see why, notice she also arrived late. It shows both of you were not as eager to meet up. The only thing I would have recommended unless she was only seconds behind you was to scout from afar so you could still appear to arrive late. Not really that big of a deal though so you did good.
  

 

Well, it first starts out good, and then gets bad, then gets good again.

 

She was confused as to why I contacted her, and I said that she wanted to talk, so I changed the time. She asks why I asked to meet earlier and I tell her school work is coming up, she understands completely, having seen my work load before.

 

• Personally I think you handled this portion really well you changed it from on her terms to on your terms and gave a valid reason. I think the balance of power shifted to you at this point.
  

 

She says she never cheated on me, and I explain everything from my point of view. After a minute, she responds with she understands how I can think that, and she then explains things.

 

• If your intentions for closure are greater than you attentions for reconciliation you did what you had to do but reading your replies I feel you wanted to reconcile more so. I feel you went the wrong path here. When she brought the subject up you should have stated that she does not need to justify anything to you but if she really needs to get it off her chest to go ahead and do so.
   
  
• You know from my previous replies stating how you see it was something I advised you not to do because it wouldn't aid in reconciliation.
   
  
• Did her outlook give you any closure or do you still see it the way you perceive it?
  

 

She felt an attraction for the guy, but not romantic feelings, while we were together. And not once did she act on that attraction while we were together. In fact, the only reason she is dating him now is because he asked her out almost as soon as she left me, and she couldn't say no. She then said that now that she says it out loud to someone, it looks kinda bad.

 

• I am going to be harsh on you here but you have to realize by doing so I am also harsh on myself. She told you outright she felt an attraction to him, Had you maintained your own attractiveness she may not have noticed this in another guy because she lost attraction to you attractive traits of others begin to show. I know it's a little late to be mentioning this but it is a learning experience. She could say no it was and always is a choice.
  

 

She also said that she know she will probably hurt him to, because right now, she is trying to make it work, but she doesn't feel much beyond attraction. I then asked why does she do this, cause not only does it cause others pain, but it hurts her to. I told her that I can see, right now, that your in agony. She said she is and she doesn't know why.

 

• Right here she is feeding you what you want to hear now you may not see that but she is basically telling you that she'll hurt others that she doesn't love him but still does you without actually saying the words. It doesn't necessarily mean that is the truth but it what she wants you to know. Now I don't really have advice on what you should have done at this point perhaps steer the conversation away I don't know really because you do want to pay attention to her.
  

 

She then asks me, what do I think the in a relationship status means on facebook?

 

I respond with, well to me, it means you are in a relationship.

 

She says there was a misunderstanding, cause to her, it means there were a few dates, and they are going to see if it goes further or not, there is a difference.

 

• You got caught in a trap here she is shoving the new found relationship in your face and yet again is feeding you what you want to hear by telling you in means you have been on a few dates etc. It's softening the blow to the breakup and it's only making her feel less guilty. I can not disagree with your answer as it's pretty straight forward. It's a mind game on her behalf and with bad taste. Now I do have a counter argument to it bet again it is best not to play it. [Do not play it: It's complicated, or better yet no status could have been used but again it's best not to counter attack]
  

 

Things then started to go bad, and I started to raise my voice at her. She was purposely pushing my buttons and said I needed to be a man and such ****. I got pissed as you can imagine, but I suspected something, cause she normally doesn't push buttons like this. When I calmed down, I asked her why was she pushing my buttons.

 

She said she wants me to direct my anger and hate and unload it on her. She says she deserves it, she wants it because she knows I repress my feelings and she doesn't want me to lose control. She said she deserves it and wants it, to remind her of what she has done.

 

• Ah the emotions begin to surface and she is pushing your buttons, she wants this reaction from you. To her it further justifies the break up and she wants you to get the anger out on her because it makes semi-transfers the guilt onto you. I know I am currently not prepared to handle this as during LC with my ex the same thing happened. You needed to play this cool and calm now we here at LS do not exactly know how she pushed the buttons but from reading everything before this has been about the break up and her new BF so I can see where it may have went. My suggestion would have been to either end it here or steer the conversation elsewhere
  

 

 

We also got into a conversation of why she broke up with me the way she did. Why did she say she loved me, and wanted to plan a future together? She said that she honestly, at one point, wanted a future with me, but that something changed. She doesn't know what, and she didn't want to take advantage of me while she tried to figure it out.

 

She said she will always regret how she broke up with me, as it was done in the worst way possible.

 

• How did it get here? Who brought it up? It's only to be talked about if she was the one who initiated it. This is under the premises of if you wanted to reconcile.
  

 

I say it hurts, cause you said you loved me at one point. She replies with that i do, when I say I love you, I meant it. She didn't say it in past tense, she said love, not loved, which makes me wonder now.

 

• Again she is feeding you things you want to hear to give you more false hope. The word love and hurt only push her further away from you leaving her less attracted towards you. Again I can't say what you should have done because I myself am not ready but I know enough that if I want my ex back I can not say what was said even though that is how I feel. So your emotions got to you. Perhaps stating what you have found in yourself since the break up to steer the conversation away. Better yet letting her know it's not as bad as she makes it sound and that you have grown from it.
  

 

I told her that I will always love her, because she was my first true love and you can't forget that. She says she understands completely, as she is the same, and so are her friends, especially her roommate.

 

• You broke the golden rule, You told her you will always love her, You just placed yourself on the back burner which is not where you want to be now is it? I know again its how you feel and it's something I have already said in my LC with my ex but again it only justifies her reasons to split with you more. She knows she can always have you. So she lost her desire.
  

 

She says she wants to be friends at least, and I say we may need time, which she agrees to. I tell her I want her in my life, either as friend or girlfriend. She smiles.

 

• Ah the dreaded friends zone. So nothing is gained here but she wants you in the friends zone because you are now on the back burner, How much of a real friends will she be is up to her. I bet you it's only a title thing so it takes guilt of her. Test it try to do things you would do with friends or go back to NC if it helps you heal.
   
  
• You again put your emotions out by telling her you want her back or will remain friends. Power is all hers now. Best to have not said anything here.
  

 

She then says she still cares for me, she doesn't want anything to happen to me, she wants me to live my life and see other women, but not form a serious relationship, just do casual dating.

 

• She is telling you she wants to move on but also telling you she doesn't want you to move on because it will bruise her ego. She basically putting thoughts into your head so she still has you as a fall back guy.
  

 

I said ok, but it will be hard, cause you are everything I want in a woman. I also said I will no longer pursue you, cause it will only push her further away. She says ok, and that she knows I won't contact her.

 

• Again your showed all the emotions, possibly because you went under the advice to just let it flow but you are telling her you still want her. Telling her about NC kills the effect and telling her you are not going to pursue her cause it will only push her away is telling her the reason why you are not pursuing her so she will never have to think. Wait he is no longer chasing I wonder why? - Mistakes I have made myself and wish I can take back.
  

 

I agree, I say I need a little time, and she says she will contact me in the future.

 

• They always will say they will contact you but it doesn't mean they will hold onto it.
  

 

She also led on in a way, by sending several hints that another chance for us is not out of the equation, but I will elaborate on that later. Also later, I will explain what my family said, but I can't now cause dinner is ready.

 

So if there are any questions, please feel free to ask, I will respond after dinner.

 

• Of course she did as I said earlier, she wants you as a fall back guy or at least wants you to believe their is a chance so you dont move on while she can.
  

 

 

After all that review it seems like my Ex's mindset and yours is the exact same. I'm going to book mark this in case I ever get the chance to have a meetup like you did.

[dtyk]

Your story's layout resemble mine in many ways, just differ in details. The last talk was also very similar. After 7 months of soul searching and reflection, I can only say that college just may not be the best time to have a relationship. We college students are simply not financially nor mentally able enough to allow a relationship to have a healthy growth.

 

This is your chance to go out and do things that you weren't able to but always wanted to do.

[collegeguy_24]

Thanks for the review and advice. I see I made a few mistakes, but I was just in the moment.

 

Also, the purpose was to get closure, not reconcile. Sure, it would have been nice to have her back, but I knew going in there that reconciliation was not on the table.

 

And being on the back burner, I am fine with that. Its not a big deal to me, because in the end if she wants me back, I am the one who has the power to decide if I want to.

 

Right now, I am going to enjoy my life. If her and I get together again, great, if not, well then I will just have to see what life has to offer.

[Billie The Puppet]

Thanks for the review and advice. I see I made a few mistakes, but I was just in the moment.

 

Also, the purpose was to get closure, not reconcile. Sure, it would have been nice to have her back, but I knew going in there that reconciliation was not on the table.

 

And being on the back burner, I am fine with that. Its not a big deal to me, because in the end if she wants me back, I am the one who has the power to decide if I want to.

 

Right now, I am going to enjoy my life. If her and I get together again, great, if not, well then I will just have to see what life has to offer.

 

Did you get the closure you needed?

 

The answers you wanted?

 

Your post meet up attitude is great

 

I hope I can get to that point sooner than later but I have been having more downs lately.

[collegeguy_24]

I actually did get the closure I needed. I knows she loved me at one point, and that she genuinely saw a future for us together. So I know she did not lie.

 

I also know she didn't cheat, which makes me happy. She was just scared and unsure, something of her own admission.

 

I am uncomfortable with the fact that she said she was going to take a break only to date another guy so soon, but its a fact of life, I have to deal with it.

 

I will always love her, but right now she needs space from me, and needs to live her life like I need to live mine.

[Ajax]

Cheeseburgers. Life has cheeseburgers to offer. Better yet... bacon cheeseburgers! Enjoy one.

 

I agree with Billie that there are some things that could have gone better, but they're also things that I've done with my ex... telling her I still love her and want to be with her. It may not be the most effective way to keep the option of a second chance alive, but you're right that in the moment it happens. I think that of the two of you you're the bigger person in that at least you're being honest.

 

I think that just by meeting with her showed backbone, and I think you'll be better off for it in the long run.

[Billie The Puppet]

Cheeseburgers. Life has cheeseburgers to offer. Better yet... bacon cheeseburgers! Enjoy one.

 

I agree with Billie that there are some things that could have gone better, but they're also things that I've done with my ex... telling her I still love her and want to be with her. It may not be the most effective way to keep the option of a second chance alive, but you're right that in the moment it happens. I think that of the two of you you're the bigger person in that at least you're being honest.

 

I think that just by meeting with her showed backbone, and I think you'll be better off for it in the long run.

 

It's the biggest mistake dumpees say to dumpers despite being in the moment or not (I have done it numerous of times myself) and being honest is a trait I possess myself but omission is not always dishonest.

[Don Ho]

College, overall I think it went ok. You made a few mistakes and probably shouldn't have said a few things, but it's done now. You're attitude over the last week or two has been much better and your attitude after the meeting is good also. I was primarily concerned that you would have a meltdown like the last time you saw her. Good for you for keeping it together. Hopefully now you can start to move forward.

[collegeguy_24]

It may not have been the best option to keeping a second chance alive, the fact is whats done is done. Plus I have little experience, she was only my second girlfriend.

 

I still love her, but I will just have to see where life goes.

 

And a bacon cheeseburger does sound good : )

[Billie The Puppet]

Just go on without hope and if it happens it happens - easier said than done I know cause I still haven't given up hope.

[collegeguy_24]

Just go on without hope and if it happens it happens - easier said than done I know cause I still haven't given up hope.

 

I'm with ya on that one brother. It is hard, but I realize it must be done. I will pray that we can get back together, but I will not put my life on hold waiting for it to happen.

[Don Ho]

Bro you should give yourself some credit for how far you've come in the last month and how well you handled it considering where you were.

[collegeguy_24]

The thing is I am so scared to move on, but I know I must do so. I still love her.

 

But even she said I should date other people, even if she said no serious relationships. I don't even think I can take another serious relationship, maybe casual though, I am not sure.

[Don Ho]

The thing is I am so scared to move on, but I know I must do so. I still love her. But even she said I should date other people, even if she said no serious relationships. I don't even think I can take another serious relationship, maybe casual though, I am not sure.

 

I don't know that you're scared to move on, maybe nervous about the unknown. Plus moving on doesn't mean it could never happen down the road sometime, it just means that you accept it and you move on with your life. Of course you still love her. But you have to let go and move forward. I don't know if you have had anyone die, but there's not much you can do but pick yourself up, grieve and get up each day and do your best to go on. It gets easier with time, just like with getting over a relationship.

 

You should at least have a couple of coffee dates and get your feet wet. The funny part is Bro, when you meet a gal that likes you, I think you will feel better and more confident and it will all be much easier than you think. No one said doing anything serious. You would first have to meet another "right one", date and get involved. I think you should date, for YOU, and forget about what she said. Her comment is irrelevant at this point.

[collegeguy_24]

True, very true.

 

I am going to work on myself for the next week, I am going to set a goal of asking a woman out, whether or not it works doesn't matter, just the fact I did it is whats important.

 

I will continue to post in this thread cause its already established, and I like hearing advice and getting encouragement.

 

I definitely feel like I handled this conversation and its aftermath well, though I still miss her so much.

[Billie The Puppet]

Hey college what other indications dud she give you out of curiosity that you could have a possible future?

 

You did mention this at the end of your recap.

 

I'm curious as I have heard a few myself from my ex and to me it's was only so she can soften the blow take less guilt off of her.

 

During limited contact the ex would tell me about other guys but follow with you don't have to worry I'm not looking for a relationship right now or he's not my type. I was like we are broken up you don't have to justify anything with me.

[collegeguy_24]

A few indications where how she looked at me, her physical reaction to things. She is not very good at hiding them, that is one thing I leared from dating her.

 

ANother is how she kept saying she still cares for me, still has feelings for me. She doesn't want anything to happen to me, at the same time she knows that if anything happened to her, to let me know and I will be there for her. Like an emergency of some kind, car crash or something.

 

She says she still doesn't know what she wants, and she is afraid. And I can understand, my parents, and my psychologist agree, she could very well be afraid and that is why she is so uncertain.

 

It was also her eyes, she tried to avoid looking at me in the eyes, but when she did I could see her feelings. She still cares for me, she is also afraid.

 

and then there was the love part I mentioned earlier. I think she is just confused and afraid because of he upbringing.

 

But I am willing to see how things turn out, in the future. Right now I am going to focus on my own life, and if she contacts me, great, if she doesn't, its her lose.

[Ajax]

It's hard when they don't know what they want. My ex told me she loved me more than anyone and really saw a future for us. Then two weeks later she broke up with me because she "didn't know" what she wanted. Now she wants to quit her job as a nurse (she just graduated from nursing school and it's her 2nd degree!) and move away.

 

We need to count ourselves lucky that we at least know who we are and what we want (and who we want to be with ). It may suck, but we're in a much better place than them.

[Don Ho]

Moral to the story: never try to have a relationship with a PROJECT.

[Billie The Puppet]

I think she is awfuly confused with her feelings, she may be playing the field to see what else is out there for her. She loves you but has already been with you so she knows how the relationship works. Perhaps she got bored as women do but it's not your fault really.

 

Maybe one day you two will reunite.

[Don Ho]

Billie, did you give up Hijacking?

 

College, it doesn't really matter if she's confused, had a bad childhood, doesn't know what she wants. You cannot help her figure that out. Don't use those as excuses to avoid the reality that she broke up with you and that you need to move on. I know you want to keep the hope that it might work out someday. But I have been there. I think a few years down the road you will see her and she will still be an emotional project and you will say to yourself "I'm glad I didn't spend all that time trying to fix her".

 

By saying "someday" to yourself, I think you're just using that as an excuse to totally let go and move on. Like you said, you're scared to move on. You hang onto her because it is more comfortable to grip on to the known (which is not good for you) then for you to go onto the unknown. Let it go Bro and move forward. You have tons of opportunities out there.

[Billie The Puppet]

Hijacking depends on my mood I suppose. I usually reply to threads in which my situation is the same not only as therapy for myself but also for others knowing they are not alone. I know I have already hijacked this thread at one point but in all honesty there are huge similarities with this thread and my situation which is why I have been so attached to it myself. My ex is what you would describe as an emotional project. In fact a healthcare worker I have been talking to about my situation diagnosed her by description as ADHD. I'm not ready to give up on her but I am the dumpee, yet at the same time I am not putting my life on hold either. I'm not looking for a relationship which is true but if one finds me I'm not going to deter it away either. Life as it is today is very exciting I have a job interview today that could eventual turn into a 6 figure salary job. Funny because I'm positive one of the reasons the ex split was she didn't see future with me and mostly for financial reasons. I know I don't have the job yet and know I'll have to start entry level with it but I also have connections within the company.

 

So I just highjacked the thread by responding to you ha ha.

[collegeguy_24]

If you hijaked thats fine, since you said we are in similer situations.

 

Don: Don't worry, I am moving on. Sure I would someday like for Jen to come back, but I am not going to wait around for it. In fact, I have a surprise for everyone.

 

I just asked a girl from my class out, and she gave me her phone number and even sent me a text to make sure we could both contact each other. I am going to make it clear I am not looking for a long term, serious relationship. But I do believe its a step forward!

[Ajax]

Way to go College!!!

 

I'll cop to having hijacked this thread a couple times myself. Also see a lot of my situation in yours.

 

As for this new girl, even if you're not looking for a serious relationship right now I think you've gotta keep it cool. You don't need to specifically tell her that unless she asks. And why not keep your options open, maybe she's a keeper? Keep things light and have fun, and don't talk about your ex.

[Billie The Puppet]

I myself am taking a girl whom I always had a thing for to a hockey game in a few weeks thing is I might run into my ex there and that's a situation I don't want to face. It's lose - lose as my ex knew I always had a thing for this girl.