Doubts we never had before

[pureinheart]

It isn't for you to understand what another person needs to heal. While it may not have been conducive to your healing(yet you are here), doesn't mean it isn't conducive to another. JJ posts all the time about NC not being the right choice for all those in an A. So why is it hard to understand that some BS don't find healing here as well? Lean not to your own understanding...right? Cause I certainly don't get how being in an A day after day isn't subjecting you to something painful?

 

It's not for me to understand anything, I can make an observation. I have communicated many times that this forum and a couple of others have been very essential in my healing...although you know, I think it might be the "people" rather than the forum, as their tone, knowledge and subject matter seem to turn the "light bulbs" on...

 

I can name a few that due to their demeanor have spoken to me bigtime, and I'm sure you can say the same thing, no matter what forum they frequent.

 

I don't understand how the tone of constant hatred and disgust accomplishes anything though, except to possibly give back the power that was once taken away.

 

Concerning remaining in an A, ultimately that is a personal decision.

 

I would say it boils down to respect, regardless of what a person does, and I know this won't be understood by the BS's, possibly due to the wall of hurt, although I see lesser issues with OW vs BS's....the anger seems to subside sooner.

 

Bent, I personally wouldn't frequent the source of my pain, or a facsimile thereof, especially for the sole purpose of lashing out.

[donnamaybe]

It's not for me to understand anything, I can make an observation.

But that is what people who cast doubt are doing as well. Making an observation based on what they are reading in this forum as well as their own life experiences. We ALL speak from a viewpoint of personal experience when addressing posts. We can't HELP but do so.

[BB07]

I don't like this thread.......... I get the points being made, but it's turning into a slag feast.

 

There is always going to be points of dissension within any varied group of people. Everyone here has such diverse backgrounds and experiences.

 

It all comes down to respect.......respect in that you don't call someone demeaning names, respect in that you actually hear/read the story. Respect for the person writing the story, even if you don't agree with the choices and respect and kindness and empathy should be exercised when responding.

 

My 2 cents.....

[pureinheart]

I posted what I did in a hurry. I almost didn't post it because my BF was anxious for me to jump into a game with him. But, I told him I needed a couple minutes to finish a post. I'm glad I did it.

 

What got to me was the OP of that thread had taken time away to clear her head and think. That resulted in a decision she is happy with. That was met with shock and dismay and name calling. She was called a fool, naive, second fiddle (so predictable:rolleyes:) and even a troll!

 

It just really pissed me off and I slammed out my post kinda as a warning to her and others reading that some posters (that are usually the majority) will only support the ending of a relationship. Anything less and the person the thread is about, better get their shields up and be prepared for the negative spew and dissection of anything they ever posted while a member.

 

Once on this forum, an OW that is now happy and secure in her relationship had other posters going back to when she was a noob here and quoting her and calling her a liar and that she should get her facts straight before she posted. I mean WTH? She changed her view on her relationship for pete's sake. People do that. It's part of life.

 

Some on this thread said things along the lines of, "Well, it's just a public forum. If they let this effect them so bad then I can't help how they feel. I'm just posting my opinion". I say to that, if it's so insignificant to you, that you don't think it should effect anyone, then why the hell do you waste your time posting?

 

My story was never posted as my own thread. I had no one in my RL to discuss my situation with. I found LS while searching for an outlet since I didn't have one in my RL. Well, I was smart and read a lot before joining. When I realized how OW were run through the mill, I never posted for help. I suffered alone until I finally told an Internet friend who had driven over 2000 miles to meet me. He is now my BF (best friend). I had no way of knowing how he would react when I told him. But I bit the bullet and told him and he totally supported me and I finally had an outlet for my emotions I had held inside up until then.

 

My hope is that posters will take into consideration that ppl do come here in pain and confusion and with big decisions to make. They aren't always thick skinned like I've heard is a requirement here. Posters may just look like an avatar and letters on a screen but some ppl take to heart what is posted here by those avatars and letters. *And they have the power to put doubt into ppl where it once didn't exist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Oh, that's right. That's the whole point. Some want to implant doubt.

 

I applaud your post Ms. Red.

 

And the part BBM stands out the most. It seems that those who say I'm not invested in this thread or you seem to post the most on it. Those statements bely their actions. Otherwise, why spend so much time on these boards?

 

What this says to me, in your bold WF, is that there IS an agenda and a pay off.

 

WF, I remember back in '94 when first starting a Marriage Restoration group, stuff started to be pulled out from my past. I was angry to say the least, I bitc*ed and pissed and moaned at everyone around me...I remember one day in particular, I was screaming and yelling at my kids, H, dog, cat, fish, turtles etc...then the mirror got turned on me, I cried for four days straight.

 

Moral is, my past, present, future, kids, H, dog, etc. was not the problem I WAS.

 

Because of my experience, I would say if a person is angry, for them to look inside themselves first and if it is possible let all else alone. Release the anger, forgive and move on. This is a process and it doesn't have to take years and years, that is the choice of the individual.

 

I say this due to massive amounts of circumstances that required forgiving others and myself...forgiveness is the key to looking at life on an objective level, leaving out the sarcasm and plain hatred.

 

I think daily of the POW's and see how they behave after coming home...if anyone has a right to be angry, they do and I am ashamed of any anger I have held on to.

 

Ms Red...once again you have outdone yourself, this is a wonderful post, especially about this being a public forum...to me that is a cope out and gives no one the right to be rude or obnoxious.

 

 

 

Oh and would any of you agree that LS is addicting?

[pureinheart]

But that is what people who cast doubt are doing as well. Making an observation based on what they are reading in this forum as well as their own life experiences. We ALL speak from a viewpoint of personal experience when addressing posts. We can't HELP but do so.

 

Oh most definitely Donna, that is why I'm going to really think before I share an experience with a poster in trouble, as my crazy experiences are just that, crazy:D

[donnamaybe]

Oh most definitely Donna, that is why I'm going to really think before I share an experience with a poster in trouble, as my crazy experiences are just that, crazy:D

But you can't say you've had a dull life, eh?

[Spark1111]

There is an alert button on LS for us to report posts we consider are against TOS. I never said anything about "deleting posts from my threads", nor about "being affected by what an anonymous blogger posts" or "caring so much". Are you using poetic license now, Spark?

 

So....you asked Tony to delete them from someone else's???

 

Why would you do that?

[jennie-jennie]

So....you asked Tony to delete them from someone else's???

 

Why would you do that?

 

I used the Alert Us button for the purpose which it serves, to report posts that break TOS. Why do you have a problem understanding that?

[bentnotbroken]

It's not for me to understand anything, I can make an observation. I have communicated many times that this forum and a couple of others have been very essential in my healing...although you know, I think it might be the "people" rather than the forum, as their tone, knowledge and subject matter seem to turn the "light bulbs" on...

 

I can name a few that due to their demeanor have spoken to me bigtime, and I'm sure you can say the same thing, no matter what forum they frequent.

 

I don't understand how the tone of constant hatred and disgust accomplishes anything though, except to possibly give back the power that was once taken away.

 

Concerning remaining in an A, ultimately that is a personal decision.

 

I would say it boils down to respect, regardless of what a person does, and I know this won't be understood by the BS's, possibly due to the wall of hurt, although I see lesser issues with OW vs BS's....the anger seems to subside sooner.

 

Bent, I personally wouldn't frequent the source of my pain, or a facsimile thereof, especially for the sole purpose of lashing out.

 

 

I don't assume their whole purpose is for lashing out. I guess that's the difference in views. **shrugs** No more than I assume the whole purpose of an AP/WS posting here is to pats on the back.

[pureinheart]

But you can't say you've had a dull life, eh?

 

:lmao:OMG Donna, I am so glad the worst is over and the best is yet to come...I'm getting far too old for this crap!!!!!

 

I think this is where a lot of people are at, and it's really good to see. You have to be young to deal with the drama...I'll watch it on TV thank you:D

[pureinheart]

I don't assume their whole purpose is for lashing out. I guess that's the difference in views. **shrugs** No more than I assume the whole purpose of an AP/WS posting here is to pats on the back.

 

Your right, and whenever I communicate something, I always mean in general, although sometimes forget to say it.

 

In bold, of course not...I'm really bad with that because I've always had the "cheerleader" attitude, and have had to tone that down over the years...soooo (much emphasis on soooo) you are seeing the toned down version:p...oh and I like to hug/pat most everyone, one of those touchy feely type persons:D (not the opposite sex though, that can be taken wrong IMO).

[pureinheart]

It's not for me to understand anything, I can make an observation. I have communicated many times that this forum and a couple of others have been very essential in my healing...although you know, I think it might be the "people" rather than the forum, as their tone, knowledge and subject matter seem to turn the "light bulbs" on...

 

I can name a few that due to their demeanor have spoken to me bigtime, and I'm sure you can say the same thing, no matter what forum they frequent.

 

I don't understand how the tone of constant hatred and disgust accomplishes anything though, except to possibly give back the power that was once taken away.

 

Concerning remaining in an A, ultimately that is a personal decision.

 

I would say it boils down to respect, regardless of what a person does, and I know this won't be understood by the BS's, possibly due to the wall of hurt, although I see lesser issues with OW vs BS's....the anger seems to subside sooner.

 

Bent, I personally wouldn't frequent the source of my pain, or a facsimile thereof, especially for the sole purpose of lashing out.

 

Ok...I was distracted, although still mean my last response to you:)...just want to clarify that there have been some REALLY angry BS's that did frequent this forum just to bash/lash out at OW....

[pureinheart]

All's fair in love'n war?

 

Hey WH, if you wouldn't mind, I have always been curious about this statement and would like to start a thread on it...I think I've taken thread jacking to new levels:D

[Snowflower]

Any LS member can hit the alert button on any post on any thread. As a forum, I think LS self-moderates itself pretty well. Truly offensive posts are often removed. Some "less-offensive" (depends who you ask ) are sometimes removed as well. It's part of being on an internet forum.

[awkward]

A third of all the threads Jennie has started have been locked. I'm afraid this one will be too.

 

I don't think LS posters should be blamed for causing doubts in other members.

[jthorne]

Any LS member can hit the alert button on any post on any thread. As a forum, I think LS self-moderates itself pretty well. Truly offensive posts are often removed. Some "less-offensive" (depends who you ask ) are sometimes removed as well. It's part of being on an internet forum.

Ha! Talk about ironic, I went to hit the Quote button on your post, and accidentally hit the "Alert Us" button!

 

You are correct about it being an open forum with many people with free will, including the free will of people to speak their minds and not be accused of taking poetic license.

 

I feel for Tony. He's the only moderator, and this site is too big for one person. Especially one that is an unpaid volunteer.

 

I have used the Alert Us button a time or two. Mostly to report threads of a newbie where one person had jacked the thread so much that it became about the jacker and not the new OP who came for help. The OP gives up and goes away when they could have used support. Where's the thread started to discuss the poetic license taken with them? Are they not as important as the poor thin-skinned OW who cries and goes away because someone told her the dude that's cheating on his W to be with her is a liar?

[jthorne]

I don't think LS posters should be blamed for causing doubts in other members.

Me neither. Nor do I think there should be threads started every few weeks telling other members what they should and shouldn't say. It's kinda rude if you ask me. The only people that think posters should be blamed are the ones in affair situations that are doubtful by nature.

[Spark1111]

Any LS member can hit the alert button on any post on any thread. As a forum, I think LS self-moderates itself pretty well. Truly offensive posts are often removed. Some "less-offensive" (depends who you ask ) are sometimes removed as well. It's part of being on an internet forum.

 

I have seen stupid blatant thread jacking. And I have either suggested the poster (mostly newbies) get back on track before they get an infraction.

 

Occasionally, I'm sure I;ve stumbled on a troll or two and asked them, "How old are you?"

 

Generally, if it takes a serious left, I just ignore.

 

I have never alerted anyone to anything.

 

I'm a big girl and can take dissenting opinions from my own.

 

Hell! I welcome it.

 

Especially since there are so many sites where I could be in a locked forum with BS, WS or OW.

 

I like it here.....

 

And I do not come here to have people tell me I am right.

 

I come here to learn and grow and heal.

[nadiaj2727]

Where in the TOS does it say that "poetic license" is forbidden?

 

I am with those that are alarmed at the use of the Alert Button. To me it's like "Thou dost protest too much."

 

Shame, shame.

[Snowflower]

Ha! Talk about ironic, I went to hit the Quote button on your post, and accidentally hit the "Alert Us" button!

 

-snip-

 

I have used the Alert Us button a time or two. Mostly to report threads of a newbie where one person had jacked the thread so much that it became about the jacker and not the new OP who came for help. The OP gives up and goes away when they could have used support. Where's the thread started to discuss the poetic license taken with them? Are they not as important as the poor thin-skinned OW who cries and goes away because someone told her the dude that's cheating on his W to be with her is a liar?

 

Oh, no! I'm reported!

 

The bolded part is what I was talking about earlier in the thread. When a poster (or group of posters) take over a thread with their own stories/assumptions and the OP is no longer heard. I've seen it here and on infidelity. I thought this was what Jennie was alluding to in her OP, but I've kind of lost track now.

[SidLyon]

Oh, no! I'm reported!

 

...

 

I'm sorry to hear this.

 

Sometimes these threads get started under the guise of being about "discussion" but then we get sucked in and it turns out to be another "bait the BWs and rOWs" thread.

 

The opposite doesn't happen over on Infidelity.

[jthorne]

Oh, no! I'm reported!

 

The bolded part is what I was talking about earlier in the thread. When a poster (or group of posters) take over a thread with their own stories/assumptions and the OP is no longer heard. I've seen it here and on infidelity. I thought this was what Jennie was alluding to in her OP, but I've kind of lost track now.

No, not you. I was referring to when an OP posts and someone responds and the thread then becomes all about the person that responded, and not the OP at all. It's like the ownership of the thread was stolen by someone else, leaving the OP high and dry. It annoys the youknowwhat outta me when it happens because it's so rude.

 

If new OW need to be babied as this OP surmises, then the threadjacked need sympathy too.

[White Flower]

I both agree and disagree with you WF... my premise is that I am against censorship. I do not think threads or posts should be taken down unless they are totally rude and nasty (including your thread... I missed that happening but I think that's a shame!). So by the same token I also think other posters have the right to take your posts to another board but IMO that makes them look silly and makes me wonder what is wrong with them that they have nothing to do but take your words and transplant them somewhere else and pick on you. That's lame!

 

My posts are always getting flagged, this one will probably get flagged, so I really don't understand the censorship rules on here but in real life and ideally on LS I think people should be allowed to say what they want, and if other people don't like it then they can ignore that person or thread or board. We are grown adults and I hope we can behave civilly or have a good ole debate or even mudsling now and then... in my opinion it is wrong to tell other people what they can and can't post.

I actually agree with your entire post. We should have the freedom of speech promised to us in our constitution.

 

But I think here at LS, when someone is looking for support or advice, we should demonstrate a level of sensitivity toward the OP. Too many times we see someone not even finish their threads and sometimes they even comment on how nasty this place is and they're turned off and don't actually get the help they seek.

 

If only they had PM rights from the outset at least a few of us would be able to reach out to them and say we're here any time you need us without the bashing.

[White Flower]

I'm not missing any point. You were discussing societies and the fact that affairs are looked down on. The reason they are looked down on is because there is all this LYING and SNEAKING AROUND going on. It's not the sex. It's the disgusting level of deceit it takes to keep an affair going.

 

I'm all ABOUT having good sex. Hell, I had an FWB when I wasn't in relationship mode. It's not a "morality" thing. It's an honesty thing.

It seems that arguing the point with you is pointless...

[pureinheart]

I did hit the alert button on this very thread - it was for one of those posts that said something like "your life is terrible if you spend all your time posting here" (it was directed at me personally). I don't remember the exact words as it's now been removed.

 

Anyway I'm assuming the OP would have "approved" of my actions as the post in question was doing exactly what she was railing against (speculating on my life) and making judgments about people based on virtually nothing (all the time while criticising someone else for making judgments). Personally I dislike the hypocrisy - most of us make judgments at times, so claiming never to judge is fallacious.

 

I wonder if the OP bothered to report that particular post - I'm guessing not because it was directed at a BW. I also notice the OP does the speculating herself quite a bit. She did it on the Infidelity board only yesterday.

 

Hi Sid, there have been a few times that I have seen and in fact entire threads shocked at certain sitches concerning the BS...many OW have jacked bigtime other OW for being rude and insensitive to a BS.

 

It's kind of funny though Sid, I was thinking and I'm sure others have thought what you just said, except on the opposite side of the fence.

 

Usually, for me if I see being rude is a part of their make up, personality, I just blow it off because I don't think they are doing it intentionally...they are just "gruff"....

 

I actually agree with your entire post. We should have the freedom of speech promised to us in our constitution.

 

But I think here at LS, when someone is looking for support or advice, we should demonstrate a level of sensitivity toward the OP. Too many times we see someone not even finish their threads and sometimes they even comment on how nasty this place is and they're turned off and don't actually get the help they seek.

 

If only they had PM rights from the outset at least a few of us would be able to reach out to them and say we're here any time you need us without the bashing.

 

This is the part that bothers me...and this is the point Jennie has been trying to make in her threads, but then it gets personal and the momentum is lost.

 

Jennie is never talking to any one person, she is simply making observations and communicating what she has seen...she is not trying to run anything. I will really try to remember (that is the key for me) not to dramatize my crazy past because of this thread...to an OW/OM or BS.

 

The thing I think we all have to remember is that when a poster posts for the first time with their sitches, and they are upset...their world is already blown out of proportion and dramatic...calming the poster down and giving them practical solutions without making their world worse by imaginations or rude comments...